General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

I've eaten, quite healthily too!!! There was greenery in my sandwich!!! Didn't see the point in breakfast as I went downstairs so late. I've had some orange juice and half a glass of pepsi so far. I'm trying to make notes from my textbook, it's slow going. Had a few bouts of crying too and tears never feel far away. Just feeling so fragile today.

[Suzi]

Sorry about the tears lovely, but I'm glad you've eaten and had something to drink too.. (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm just feeling miserable tonight. Being sociablle with my brother was hard.

[Suzi]

I can understand that. Are you keeping a mood diary? It might help to keep a note to show your nurse prescriber..

[S deleted]

I'm just feeling miserable tonight. Being sociablle with my brother was hard.

But your bro is ace and well worth making an effort to be sociable. I know it’s not always easy but the best things in life rarely are. Did you see J today?

[Jaquaia]

Nope, he's been in Manchester since lunch

[Paula]

Morning, sweetie, how are you?

[Jaquaia]

I've been better. Had about 5 hours sleep and don't have the energy to get up just yet. Fed up of feeling like this but have to plod on.

[Paula]

What are your plans for today?

[Jaquaia]

Do some more note taking. Maybe even some knitting. Not much more then that really.

[Suzi]

Have you thought of trying to find something more social to get you out and meeting new people? Something like a book group - or would that all just screw with your anxiety - I know it would Marc...

[Jaquaia]

At the moment it would screw with my anxiety. I want to get caught up with my uni work and in a good working habit though and then start my Counselling level 1

[Suzi]

Go you!

[Paula]

Would going to a coffee shop and doing your uni work there be tolerable?

[Jaquaia]

Somedays it would be. More no then yes at the moment

[Suzi]

Or a library?

[Flo]

I used to study at the library, - or try - but I spent more time watching everyone else and got precious little done. But it might suit you. You can remain anonymous, but at the same time have people around you to observe to take your mind off anxiety for a bit. Doing anything today?

[OldMike]

The library sounds a good place to study and you can buy cups of coffee at a reasonable price at our library so may be able to at your local library too.

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous, how you doing?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok but already on edge. I'd forgotten J is at work in York on Wednesday too so have to wait til Friday to see him, so not happy about that either. Actually slept til just after 10 but still tired.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a long time to be without seeing him - sorry it's like that...
Today seems a tired kind of day - we're the same...

[Jaquaia]

The way we're looking at it is how much we miss each other when we're apart has got to be a sign of how much we're meant to be together. It's hard, but if we can get through this then we can get through anything.

[Suzi]

Absolutely.

[magie06]

Exactly. I hope today isn't too bad for you and your edginess can be put into studying instead of driving you daft.

[Jaquaia]

Too late for that magie! I'm already daft!!! (rofl)

[magie06]

(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

Done a fair bit of studying but it's hard to focus. Took a break but my dad was going on and on, he often does when he's been drinking, so I had to escape again. Hoping if I keep plodding I will slowly catch up.

[Paula]

I hope you’re proud of how hard you’re working at this - you’re an inspiration :)

[Jaquaia]

I don't see that. I just see how far behind I am but I've always been my biggest critic

[Suzi]

I'm seriously proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I'm determined that I will reach my full potential this time around. I feel like I let myself down with my first degree as I did the bare minimum. I know it was wh I started getting ill but I'm still disappointed.

[Suzi]

I can understand that, but you can do this. I know you can!

[Jaquaia]

Well I may be biting off more than I can chew but...

My plan is to start the second module in September and in the meantime do my level 1 in counselling and hopefully start my level 2. Do my level 3 next year and gain my accreditation to practise. Hopefully become well enough to work and be able to help people. Change my degree to full time so I can graduate in 4 years, instead of 6, and potentially volunteer as a listener for the Samaritans, alongside gaining my MSc anf PhD.

Not much really (giggle)

[Angie]

I can speak for a lot of us here when saying this but you are a wonderful and determined person so we know you can do this x

[Jaquaia]

J will keep me focused. He's quite bossy when he wants to be (giggle)

[Paula]

Well I may be biting off more than I can chew but...

My plan is to start the second module in September and in the meantime do my level 1 in counselling and hopefully start my level 2. Do my level 3 next year and gain my accreditation to practise. Hopefully become well enough to work and be able to help people. Change my degree to full time so I can graduate in 4 years, instead of 6, and potentially volunteer as a listener for the Samaritans, alongside gaining my MSc anf PhD.

Not much really (giggle)

Wow! That is a big plan ...... ;)

[OldMike]

WOW brilliant plan, I'll be supporting you all the way and waving pom poms.

[Jaquaia]

Wow! That is a big plan ...... ;)

He makes me actually want to look to the future :)


WOW brilliant plan, I'll be supporting you all the way and waving pom poms.

Awwww thanks Mike!!

[Flo]

That IS a brilliant plan. It'll give you something to focus on, and I'm sure it'll help your anxiety. Well done.

[Suzi]

I think your plan is fabulous!

[Angie]

Second all the above hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I may not achieve it all. I just need to remember to breathe and not beat myself up if I'm unable to do something. But since I met J, I'm looking forward to the future, I'm actually planning for the future!!! That's something I've not done in a long time.

[magie06]

I just going to repeat what every said, that is a brilliant plan. I have every confidence in you and I know that you can do it!!

[Suzi]

I may not achieve it all. I just need to remember to breathe and not beat myself up if I'm unable to do something. But since I met J, I'm looking forward to the future, I'm actually planning for the future!!! That's something I've not done in a long time.
i can't tell you how thrilled for you I am!

[Jaquaia]

I can feel my mood sliding. I just want a few stable days without having to fight tears. It's utterly exhausting...

[Angie]

Oh hunni can you find a distraction

[Jaquaia]

I'm reading, but in hindsight, 'Me After You' may not be the wisest choice.

[Angie]

I've never read it so cant comment but if its not helping could you get your knitting out ?

[Suzi]

Hope you're doing ok lovely x

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding, just feeling low.

Angie, it's the sequel to Me Before You. It's about how she deals with her grief after the events in the first book.

[Angie]

I havent read either hunni sorry xx

[Paula]

(panda) you’re right, not the most uplifting book choice, but wonderful novels

[Jaquaia]

I think she's a wonderful author. 'The Girl You Left Behind' is brilliant too

[Angie]

Will have a look out for them am always reading

[Jaquaia]

They're by Jojo Moyes

[Angie]

Thank you sweetie xx

[Suzi]

How are you today gorgeous?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok I think. It's weird, I feel quite numb, I'm missing J a hell of a lot, yet he's said some incredibly moving things to me which has made me feel loved and happy and made me smile and in the background there's agitation. How can I feel numb and happy and agitated at the same time?

[Flo]

Maybe it's because anxiety and agitation have been so familiar to you and so much a part of your life, and being happy is a relatively new feeling! Maybe one day the two A's will give up the ghost and happiness will take over. Let's hope so eh?

[Suzi]

Maybe because you are completely in love!

[Jaquaia]

I really am :) only 2 and a half days and I get to see him :)

I just wish my mood was more stable. I can feel myself sliding again.

[Paula]

Maybe because you are completely in love!

She’s not wrong! Apparently cortisol is responsible ;)

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

Anxiety is rising now. At least I've already eaten so can disappear upstairs very soon...

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Suzi]

Oh hunni! Can you do something for you lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to do a bit more studying and then take a break. I have music on in the background which helps.

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear) Can you relax after?

[Jaquaia]

I can but try.

[Suzi]

Good!

[Jaquaia]

Finally in my pjs. Plan was to settle down with a book...settling down with caramac buttons instead...

[Suzi]

Yay for PJ's and for caramac buttons!

[Angie]

Caramac buttons sound a good idea, now do I have to get the water bottles out :P (Kiss)

[Jaquaia]

I've refilled it!!! Honest!!!

[OldMike]

Had to look up caramac buttons to see what they were, must admit they look very tempting I'd guessed that caramel was the main ingredient now I want some but will have to make do with a cup of Cadbury's hot choc instead ;)

[Angie]

Okies will let you off this time :)

[Paula]

Morning, lovely!

[Jaquaia]

Morning! A 40 minute phone call with J is a wonderful way to start the day! (inlove)

Plan today is breakfast and then studying. I need to finish this bloody chapter!!!

[OldMike]

What a great start you must be firing on all cylinders and rarin' to go so that "bloody chapter" doesn't stand a chance ;)

[Angie]

Brilliant start to the day x

[Suzi]

How's the day progressed love? Finished that chapter yet?

[Jaquaia]

I have about 9 pages left. It's slow going as I'm highlighting and making notes as I go along and my wrist is aching.

Only just realised it's Wednesday too so only just done my injection!

[Paula]

But at least it’s wednesday still when you’ve realised ;)

You’re doing great today, just thought you should know

[Suzi]

Paula's right, you really are doing brilliantly!

[Jaquaia]

I don't really see that. J told me that I should learn how to recognise my strengths as I never give myself any credit for being academic and learning things quickly. Pot and kettle!

[Suzi]

Thing is, it's not only academically that you need to recognise your strengths.... Or that you are actually a really bloody lovely person!

[Jaquaia]

Erm... I don't know what to say to that (blush)

I think I'm just being me and there isn't anything all that special about that.

[Suzi]

Take it from me, you are a very special (in a good way) lady x

[Angie]

Am not going to do more than say Suzi is right hunni x

[Paula]

Being you is fantastically awesome :)

[Jaquaia]

Awww thanks. I'm actually blushing!!!

[magie06]

You should be! But it's all true.

[Jaquaia]

Oh thanks by the way!!! I showed J your comments and he's now feeling very smug! (rofl)

[Angie]

lol...

[Suzi]

Glad we made you smile, but I promise you none of it was just empty words...

[Jaquaia]

I know. I just have a huge problem believing in myself

[Suzi]

Can you start with believing that we believe that you are awesome?

[OldMike]

All the previous posts are true, academically you're a star and a fantastic person to boot you'd better believe it.

[magie06]

How are things today?

[Jaquaia]

I have to admit that I'm struggling today. My mood dropped a bit before sleep and I ended up crying. I've woken up with hardly any energy. It's taken me a couple of hours to get up and dressed, I did want to shower but no energy for that so will try again before bed. I've had breakfast but I didn't want it, I only ate because I needed to take my meds. I feel tired and numb.

[Paula]

Well done for getting up, eating and taking meds. If that’s all that can be dealt with today, then that’s pretty good.

[Jaquaia]

I have to push through. TMA week next week and I'm still 3 and a half weeks behind

[magie06]

But you are getting there. You are getting on with things and that's what counts.

[Suzi]

You've got this. You can do this. I know you can. I have every faith in you.

[Angie]

I have every faith in you that you will do this

[Jaquaia]

Week 14 finally completed! I even worked through the fire brigade calling round to sort out smoke alarms! Still a lot to do but I'm a little bit closer.

[magie06]

Excellent! Well done.

[Paula]

See? Despite having a bad day you still manage it. Well done

[OldMike]

Well done I knew you could do it (nod)

[Jaquaia]

See? Despite having a bad day you still manage it. Well done

I told you so would have meant less typing ;)

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Angie]

(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

I was going to start the next weeks work but my hands are so achey I thought I'd rest them instead as I really don't need a flare up right now.

[Paula]

Sounds very sensible to me

[Suzi]

Well done for completing week 14!
I'm even more impressed that you paced and rested your hands!

[Jaquaia]

I've had to. My wrists are throbbing. The annoying things is my left wrist is worse and I'm right handed!!! I would have thought my right would be worse with all the writing I've been doing.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry lovely.... I hate that you're in pain.

Hope today is more than OK for you - do you have anything lovely planned for today and the weekend?

[Jaquaia]

I'm actually really giddy and full of butterflies this morning as I'm seeing J before he starts work (inlove)

After that, just studying

[Paula]

Great start to the day :)

[Suzi]

Horray!

[Angie]

Brilliant way to begin today hunni x

[Flo]

J will boost your day!;)

[Jaquaia]

I feel much more content now I've seen him. Just being able to lay cuddled up after so long not seeing him was wonderful (inlove)

[magie06]

Your post made me happy. I'm glad you had such a wonderful start to the weekend.

[Suzi]

So glad you spent some time with him today.

[Jaquaia]

I'm missing him now though. Hate having to let him go :(
Seeing him monday though.

[Suzi]

Monday's not that long lovely - no matter that it feels like forever right now...

[Jaquaia]

I know. I think I'm just very aware that I don't get long with him on monday as I'm seeing the nurse prescriber at 12.

[Angie]

Right now it's just a case of making the most of the time you have together xxx But it won't always be this way xx

[Suzi]

Exactly as Ange says - it sucks for now, but it won't be like this forever.

[magie06]

You are doing great. Yes it sucks, but like the others say, it's not forever.

[Jaquaia]

We actually fell asleep together. It's something we do fairly often, I think because we can both relax fully with each other. I know it's all going to be worth it though, I have no doubts whatsoever.

[OldMike]

We actually fell asleep together. It's something we do fairly often, I think because we can both relax fully with each other. I know it's all going to be worth it though, I have no doubts whatsoever.

Aww that's so cute I'm imagining you and J as two little kittens curled up together snoozing away :)

[Suzi]

It will be good in time lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I know. As sad as it sounds, he makes me feel safe for probably the first time in my life.


Aww that's so cute I'm imagining you and J as two little kittens curled up together snoozing away :)

Usually wrapped very tightly in his arms and even his snoring doesn't annoy me :)

[Suzi]

Awwwwww

[magie06]

What's on the agenda for today?

[Jaquaia]

Studying and some knitting. Studying seems to be all I do just lately.

[Suzi]

But are you enjoying it?

[Jaquaia]

I am but it can get a bit overwhelming. I know my mental state makes it harder but I have to plod through.

[magie06]

Frequent breaks are prescribed from Galway.

[Jaquaia]

J showed up before work to surprise me!!! Very, very happy bunny now (inlove)

[Angie]

Take things one thing at a time hunni but you can and will get there, sorry got distracted while posting thats brilliant that J turned up hunni x

[Suzi]

How's the rest of your day been?

[Jaquaia]

Finished my chapter so can do all computer based work tomorrow and hopefully do most of week 15, done some knitting, and just talking to J :)

[Angie]

Sounds like a really productive and positive day hunni

[magie06]

Did anyone tell you today that you are amazing?

[Jaquaia]

J has, several times! But he tells me that every single day (inlove)

I've not done as much as I'd have liked to but it's a good chunk done.

[magie06]

It's amazing how much you did!!! Look back to a couple of weeks and you could hardly get up to take your meds. You are bloody amazing.

[Jaquaia]

It's still taking me a couple of hours to get up but I'm starting to see an improvement I think.

[magie06]

I see a huge change. You are getting there. You didn't get sick overnight and you won't get well overnight either. I was told that the length of time you are sick, is the amount of time that it takes to get well again.
You are really doing so well and as someone just looking on, I wish I had your strength.

[Jaquaia]

Are you kidding me? I think you're one of the strongest people I know. I remember what you were like when you first signed up. You're a lifetime away from that now, and look at how you came through your crisis. You're awesome!

I don't think I'll ever get better, a doctor has told me the same, but I think I can get to a stage where it's manageable. J makes such a huge difference to me. Between him and the support and encouragement I get here, I know I can get to a place where I can have a life again.

[magie06]

Of course you will have a life again! It will be a lot different from the life you had before, but it will be twice as good and maybe even better than that because you will have J.

[Paula]

Better is a relative term, I’ve learnt, and I know that I can live with ‘better enough’

[Suzi]

Better is awesome. How's your day going?

[Jaquaia]

To be honest, pretty crap. I'm feeling pretty low and it's not lifting. I'm changing my bed at the moment as I've bought some more awesome bedding. It was 50% off at La Redoute over the BH weekend and I'd had my eye on it for the last year so thought I'd treat myself. Have started cleaning the bathroom too. I'm agitated and the activity is keeping that at bay.

[magie06]

Talk to us so. Tell us what's wrong and get it all out of your system. I understand so of it but I find agitation can be talked out too.

[Suzi]

What's the bed linen you bought? Is it fantastic?

[Jaquaia]

It's this one;
https://m.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-324479384?dim1=1&dim2=3&rmatt=tsid:1037640~cid:637822951~agid:34556835311~ tid:pla-407728345869~crid:115319267351~nw:g~rnd:1323051516 6321096075~dvc:m~adp:1o1~mt:~loc:9046254?omniturec ode=Google-PPC-*Shopping_HOME+FURNISHINGS+%3E+Bed+Linen_Med%7EHOM E+FURNISHINGS+%3E+Bed+Linen+%3E+Duvet+Covers&omniturecode=Google-PPC-*Shopping_HOME+FURNISHINGS+%3E+Bed+Linen_Med%7EHOM E+FURNISHINGS+%3E+Bed+Linen+%3E+Duvet+Covers&gclid=CjwKCAjwo87YBRBgEiwAI1LkqZZJIlMxR5P9Y-dJlzPFE6kYJJJuid3Ji09_05OkybPhW7_-RuqJdRoCebUQAvD_BwE

I also have this one;
https://m.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-350055826?docid=210018&dim1=1&dim2=1#shoppingtool=smartrecospdptop

The 2nd one I got 40% off otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. I just love the colours and the patterns. They make me happy to look at.


Talk to us so. Tell us what's wrong and get it all out of your system. I understand so of it but I find agitation can be talked out too.

I'm not even sure. I just feel really flat and empty, yet at the same time, sitting still is winding me up. I'm sat studying but having to fidget or I just feel like I need to scratch itms?

[magie06]

Have you a fidget spinner? You could be fidgeting with that and studying at the same time.

[Jaquaia]

I've not. And my dad is just making me more and more agitated as he's been drinking again. I'm really, really on edge.

[magie06]

Look into getting one. They don't cost that much, and they are good for giving you something to do, even while studying.
Can you get out of your dad's way, by going to your room or something?

[Jaquaia]

Tea isn't far off. I don't get why it affects me so much now. I always managed to switch off before. He's always drank so it's not like it's anything new. I just can't wait to get out of here.

[Paula]

Beautiful bed Linen!

[Suzi]

I agree, that bed linen is beautiful! It is a happy bed linen!

What is it about your Dad's drinking you don't like?
Are they both still not smoking?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I suppose a lot of it is because he can sound quite aggressive when he talks and he can just be an utter dick. Possibly because of my experiences with dickhead, he never really drank but when he started sounding aggressive I soon learned to back down. I have memories of that aggression being aimed at me too...

[Suzi]

That would explain it all....
(bear) (bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm just struggling today and I'm so tired of struggling.

Have another appointment with the nurse prescriber tomorrow then have to go see one of the GPs too. If it's about my CRP level I may just scream....

[Suzi]

Hope it goes well... Are you feeling that this drug and dose seems to be helping at all?

[Jaquaia]

I think there's a slight difference but I'm still very up and down. I'm not wishing I could end things anywhere near as often.

[Suzi]

That has to be progress surely?

[Jaquaia]

It is, but not enough. I want to be able to have a quality of life.

[Paula]

When do you have a meds review next?

[Jaquaia]

Tomorrow. He didn't want to touch the dosage until they'd had a decent chance to get into my system

[Paula]

Ok, please make sure you tell him everything

[Suzi]

Don't know what time your appointment is, but I hope it goes well lovely x

[Flo]

Hope you get on ok today Jaq.

[Jaquaia]

He's increased my dose to 15mg and wants to see me again in 5/6 weeks. I mentioned that the agitation is still an issue but because I seemed more relaxed today then the last time I saw him he's hoping the increased dose will help that. Though I did see J this morning so there's no wonder I'm more relaxed (inlove)

[Jaquaia]

Ffs!!! I got called in to the doctors to be told I have PCOS. No (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) Sherlock!!! I was told that about 10 years ago!!! Tell me something I don't know!!!

"You will need help to get pregnant"

"You may experience some facial hair growth"

Why am I here??? You could have read through my notes to find this out!!! You could have then spoken to me on the phone!! Complete waste of an appointment that someone else could have used!!! :@

[Angie]

Oh bloody hell hunni (panda)

[Suzi]

Glad the hospital went ok - What a pita from your Dr though....

[Jaquaia]

I'm angry and a little upset about it. He was going on and on about fertility treatment without even asking me if it was what I wanted!

[Angie]

I would be the same aswell hunni x

[OldMike]

Glad hospital went okay.

Your doctor seems a bit of a dipstick to go on about fertility treatment without ever asking if you wanted to go down that road.

[Suzi]

I'm angry and a little upset about it. He was going on and on about fertility treatment without even asking me if it was what I wanted!
That's rude and insensitive!

[Jaquaia]

Suzi, his suggestion was metformin and folic acid would help, which goes to show just how much attention he paid to my notes, seeing that I've been on metformin almost 10 years now and folic acid about 9 months.

[Angie]

I would of told him to come back to me when he had bothered to read my notes xxx

[Paula]

What did you say to him?

[Jaquaia]

I just told him that I was already on them. I was completely thrown by the fact he hadn't even so much as glanced at my notes, not even my repeat prescription list.

[Suzi]

That's awful! This isn't your usual dr then?

[Jaquaia]

No but he's usually very good. All he's done is up the metformin.

[Suzi]

So frustrating!

[Jaquaia]

There's not a huge amount I can really do about it.

[Suzi]

Morning chickydee, how are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I've woken up to a tendonitis flare up so not happy!

[Angie]

(panda)

[Paula]

Ouch :(

[Suzi]

Oh no! Are you going to rest it a bit?

[Jaquaia]

A bit difficult as I have to go with my mum to the hospital this afternoon. The pain is radiating down my arm so going to get up and take some painkillers.

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Suzi]

Hope the pain has eased lovely...

[Flo]

Is it feeling any better now?(panda)

[Jaquaia]

It's not. I may even have pulled something. I just know that it's difficult to get comfortable enough to study and I've got to deal with my mums wheelchair in a coupple of hours :(

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? Crap! My arm is throbbing from my shoulder down to my wrist, it took forever to find a parking space at the hospital, my dad left a case of lager in the boot which made it harder to get the wheelchair out, the wheel wouldn't attach properly and is now stuck so my mums had to walk, and there were only 2 lifts available so took forever just to get to the 1st floor. And apparently asking someone to press the button for the first floor is rocket science!!!

Short answer is stressed, agitated and in pain :(

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed to get some space and relax at least a little...

[Jaquaia]

I've only actually been home about 10 minutes

[Angie]

How are you know hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I've come up to study and resorted to ibuprofen as paracetamol wasn't touching the pain. It's easing a bit now but getting comfortable isn't easy

[Suzi]

A long and difficult day... What's happening tomorrow? Can you take it as a pace day?

[Paula]

Do you have any stronger painkillers you can have if you need it?

[Jaquaia]

A long and difficult day... What's happening tomorrow? Can you take it as a pace day?

I need to study. Assignment is due next Thursday and I'm just starting week 16. I should be on week 18.


Do you have any stronger painkillers you can have if you need it?

I did think I had some naproxen left but I must have used it last time I had a bad flare up. I'll be ok once I get comfortable in bed.

[Suzi]

(panda) Might be worth getting some in case you need it...

[Jaquaia]

It's rare that it flares like this. I'll mention it next time I see the rheumatologist though in case it's linked to the RA

[Angie]

(bear)hunni xx

[Paula]

It's rare that it flares like this. I'll mention it next time I see the rheumatologist though in case it's linked to the RA

And speak to your GP about painkillers in the meantime??

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous. How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Just spent an hour on the phone with J as he drove into York :) my shoulder is absolutely fine today, which is weird but generally how it goes!

Paula, I will

[Paula]

Good girl ;)

[Flo]

Glad you're feeling better today Jaq.(nod)

[Jaquaia]

I spoke a little too soon. My shoulder still hurts if I move my arm a certain way but it's much better then yesterday and a shower has helped too.

[Suzi]

Better is good...

[Angie]

Agree better is good x

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Bad habits can be very hard to break. I'm not having a good day today. It was hard to eat my breakfast as I was battling the urge to cry. I didn't go with my mum for her eyes testing, despite needing my glasses straightening, as I couldn't face it. My head is a tangle of irrational thoughts and I'm tired. I was going to do my usual of keeping it to myself but that doesn't really help...

[Angie]

Oh hunni am glad that you didn't bottle it up, can you spend a bit of time doing something for you today ?

[Paula]

No, that doesn’t help so I’m glad you’ve told us. What do you need to do today? Not what you think you have to do, ie studying - what’s going to ease the burden today?

[Jaquaia]

I do need to study. I'm just starting last weeks work and I have an assignment due next week. Constantly working removes that panic that I'm too far behind as I'm slowly chipping away at what needs doing itms? Plus it makes me have to focus.

[Angie]

I get that hunni can you break it up a bit so study do something nice for you study etc ?

[magie06]

Can you study outside?

[Jaquaia]

Outside isn't an option, there's nowhere to sit and even if their was, it's quite windy so my notes would blow everywhere.

I can try but I have so little energy. I'm spending more time just lying here staring blankly at the page then actually working...

[Suzi]

Hey hunni, hope the day has been kinder as the day has got on love... (panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

Not particularly. I coulld easily curl into a ball and just cry. I wish I could disappear but it's not really an option. I'm just feeling really, really alone and if I'm honest, bitter. And I feel guilty for feeling bitter.

[Paula]

It seems to me today that trying to study is being counter productive .....

[Jaquaia]

I'm getting there, I'm actually starting last weeks work so small sense of achievement. But the thoughts are trying to shout that sense of achievement down.

[OldMike]

You're doing well Jaq the backlog of uni work is getting less and less so try and ignore those negative thoughts, or shout back "I'm winning" which you are (bear)

[Suzi]

Well done lovely! You're getting there! Bit by bit!

[Jaquaia]

I've managed to keep going all day and I've finally cracked. It's hard to not just completely break down and I'm fighting it but I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want my life anymore.

[Suzi]

I know it's tough, but you know it's not going to be like this forever...

[Jaquaia]

Do I though? Right now I'm not sure of anything at all

[Paula]

Has something happened, lovely?

[Suzi]

Talk Jaq... what's happened?

[magie06]

What's up?

[Jaquaia]

Everything just gets really twisted and tangled in my head when I have a bad day.

[magie06]

I understand that. It's difficult. Can you take onboard that it's not true. Your depression wants to win, that's why it tries to make you think like this. You can win though. You have proved on so many different occasions that you are stronger.
I know it's not easy, but you can do it.

[Suzi]

Magie is completely right. You know that it's your depression and not how things really are?

[Paula]

What are your plans for today?

[OldMike]

I agree with Magie you are have your up and downs but you're getting there and you're winning.

[Angie]

(panda) hunni xx

[magie06]

I hope you are winning the fight today. (panda)