General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Paula]

(panda) You're awesome.

This :)

[OldMike]

(panda) You're awesome.

Jaq ^ wss (What Suzi Says)

[Suzi]

How was last night? This morning?

[Flo]

Being with a few close friends for a meal and time together is just what you need. A good laugh and happy banter is the best medication going....at least I think so. Glad you're having a great time.(bear)

[Jaquaia]

It was lovely. Lovely meal with people I've known almost half my life. Tom and his friend had me crying with laughter. Had a laugh with the others when we got back to the hotel. Had a few pints. Went to bed about 3am after a private talk with Graham, who told me that I should talk to my friends more, they can see I've got issues and only want to support me with them, I'm not a burden, and it's about time I got the help I've needed for a long time

[S deleted]

The dude talks sense.

[Angie]

Second this he does talk sense

[Paula]

Oh Graham seems awesome! You’ve got great friends, sweetie but that’s not a surprise as you’re so awesome :)

[S deleted]

You’ve got great friends

Of course she has. She’s got us.

[Suzi]

I like Graham!

[Flo]

Three cheers for Graham!!

[OldMike]

I'll add may ha'penny's worth, you got a gudun there in Graham.

[S deleted]

How did it go last night?

[Jaquaia]

Last night? I was still going this morning!!! (rofl)

It was a really good night, Lee Sharpe was very funny

[Suzi]

Are you having fun lovely?

[Jaquaia]

It's been brilliant! And Steve is coming back out to play tonight!!! (rofl)

The dinner stopped being about the football years ago. It's about family, and we are! We're a family. The love in that room for Tom last night was incredible to witness. I felt able to open up to Steve, his missus and Venkat and I knew I wouldn't be judged. In fact, they both made sure I knew how strong they think I am! We may only get to see each other once a year but it's always like we've never been apart. :)

[S deleted]

So all the stress beforehand with the journey and it’s all been worth it. Really glad you’re having a great time.

[Suzi]

That's amazing! I'm so glad you're having such a great time!

[Angie]

Glad that your having a good time hunni x

[Jaquaia]

Missed my train....

[S deleted]

Oops.

[Angie]

Opps hope you dont have long till the next5 one hunni x

[S deleted]

You obviously didn’t want to go home lol

[Paula]

Ah, oops. How long til the next one?

[Jaquaia]

Got another hour to wait. Going to pop to the loo then go buy food and I'll be ready to go!

I never want to go home.

[Suzi]

How'd the homeward journey go - apart from the missed train...?

[Jaquaia]

It was good and I got to see J as I went past his signal box. He made a point of standing outside the door and waving as I went past and it gave me a little boost. :)

I hate coming home. I can relax and be myself with my football family. I have people around me who love me for the person I am, they can tell when I'm struggling and will take me to one side and give me a hug or a shoulder to lean on. I was able to admit to Graham that I was feeling a little fragile last night and he just hugged me while I talked. And being able to trust the other Graham with what I told him this morning... I think that tells you all you need to know about how close we are. But at home I don't have that. I don't have that group of friends. I go back to being alone and I am struggling with that massively already.

[Paula]

(bear)

[Suzi]

I am so proud of you for telling G what happened! That's so awesome!

So, you need to get you a group of friends near you, one step at a time lovely....

[Jaquaia]

He even offered to have a word with the other person but is willing to follow my lead. He did say that if he ever makes me feel uncomfortable then I'm to go and tell him straight away.

[Suzi]

That's fabulous!

[Flo]

I genuinely hope that one day in the not too distant future you'll be able to be with J in a place of your own. I think it would be the making of you. You have such a lot of responsibility at home ....and trying to deal with the problems of others as well as your own.(bear)

[OldMike]

Gotta agree with Flo you Jaq and J seem to be soul mates and definitely need a place of your own.

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? I feel completely broken. I'm in tears as I type this. I'm so tired of always been alone. I'm tired of having to watch as everyone around me gets what they want. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of having to fight. This weekend away is always brilliant, I've known them for almost half of my life, but coming home, leaving that love and support behind jist highlights how lonely I really am.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart.... Is there anything I can do to help?

[Jaquaia]

I don't think there's anything anyone can do really

[OldMike]

We're here for you Jaq I know we can't give you proper hugs but we can send virtual hugs expressing our support and love for you. (bear) (panda)

[Paula]

(panda) could this partly be down to tiredness?

[Suzi]

You've had such a great weekend reality now hits hard.. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Can you plan to be kind to you for today and tomorrow at least?

[Jaquaia]

It could be partly tiredness but I think it's more then that. It just feels cruel that I only get a weekend a year of feeling like I belong.

[Suzi]

It won't always be like that... Do any of them live close to you? Or easily commutable?

[Jaquaia]

The closest is Andy but I don't drive which makes it hard. The rest are all the wrong side of the pennines or the US and Canada, even Hong Kong.

[Suzi]

Selfish barstewards living so far away!

[Jaquaia]

I have absolutely no idea how the hell I managed it, especially considering the state I was in!!!! But I only went and got bloody 88% on my assignment!!!

[Suzi]

Woohoo! Well done!!!

[Paula]

Which hopefully tells you how good you are! Well done, sweetie :)

[Jaquaia]

My stomach hit the floor when I saw the email come through saying my marks were available! I'm really surprised.

[Suzi]

So pleased for you! Hope you slept well last night lovely.

[Angie]

Brilliant hunni well done

[OldMike]

I have absolutely no idea how the hell I managed it, especially considering the state I was in!!!! But I only went and got bloody 88% on my assignment!!!

Absolutely brilliant Jaq (clap)

[S deleted]

Hey, I just wish you had the belief in yourself that I have in you. Then the result wouldn’t be a surprise.

[Jaquaia]

So pleased for you! Hope you slept well last night lovely.

I slept ok. Was still talking to J at half 12 and was awake before 7. Laid in bed reading at the moment.

I told my mum my mark...

"That's good but your grades are dropping"

:(:

[Paula]

:o maybe next time you just say you’ve passed and leave it at that?

[Jaquaia]

I had to explain to her that 70% is a First and that I have been pretty poorly lately.

When I got my A level results, I rang her...

"I got A, B, C, D!!!"

"Yeah? And? what else?"

[S deleted]

That’s pretty much the sort of response I would got from my folks back in the day, not that I really did much to be proud of.

[OldMike]

I slept ok. Was still talking to J at half 12 and was awake before 7. Laid in bed reading at the moment.

I told my mum my mark...

"That's good but your grades are dropping"

:(:

Some people are never satisfied are they, don't bother what your mum said because we all think you did great.

[magie06]

I think you are really really smart. Congratulations on your marks. I don't think I've ever gotten a first in my life.

[Suzi]

My Mum was/is the same... Hope today is going OK for you x

[Jaquaia]

I'm studying until I have to leave for my appointment. Have to admit that I'm a little bit agitated today. Hopefully they've unstuck the bridge or we'll have to go through the city centre!!!

[Suzi]

Hope the appointment is good and easy for you lovely x

[Paula]

What times the appointment?

[Jaquaia]

It was 20 past 3. My inflammation markers are still high but they're coming down. She's left my meds as they are as she's hoping that getting my psychiatric meds sorted will help things settle. Had to explain why I was under the home treatment team and then had the what are you doing to help yourself questions. Why don't I try courses etc etc.

Have to admit though, my dads drinking has sent my anxiety sky high though.

[S deleted]

Why don’t you try courses? What courses are being offered? Surely anything is worth a bash.

[Jaquaia]

Between my appointments, my mums appointments, caring for her, studying for uni, spending time with J, trying to help out on 2 depression forums, attempting to do what I enjoy already, I'm not sure where else I'm supposed to fit anything else in. I'm struggling with that

[S deleted]

I kinda already knew the answer to that but thought I’d give you the opportunity to explain.

[Suzi]

Doesn't sound as if you have much time "for you" in there?

[Jaquaia]

I've never felt like I'm that important. But J makes me stop when he's here. In fact, he can be a little bit bossy when it comes to my welfare!! And he's taking me for tea before we go see The Bluetones on Friday night so it's like a proper date night :)

[Suzi]

I'm glad. This is what you deserve...

[Jaquaia]

I don't feel like I do deserve it

[Paula]

Of course you deserve it.

I have to ask whether psych treatment is within the doctor’s training and experience and, if not, whether quizzing you on your treatment for depression is appropriate ......

[Jaquaia]

It wasn't even the doctor, I saw the specialist nurse today and I did feel uncomfortable...

[Paula]

I can’t see she had any right to do that to you (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I felt like I had no choice but to agree to look into courses just to expand my social circle. I can already do the crafty stuff I'm interested in! And anything academic I would have to self fund, but I felt like I had to say I would at least look into it.

It didn't help my agitation, especially when she asked about the marks on my arm. And if anything, the agitation is getting worse. I'm trying to do a diamond pic to distract my head from going to dark places but I can't stay still, my head is racing and my hands aren't moving as fast as I want them to and it's winding me up something chronic!!!

[Suzi]

She didn't have the right to go on like that love. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone!

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm so tired of my head not being right

[Suzi]

I can sympathise... (panda)(bear)(panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I just want my head to be quiet for a bit.

[Suzi]

Can you drown out the negatives with something more positive?

[Jaquaia]

My heads racing too much to focus on drowning anything out at the moment.

[S deleted]

That is where mindfulness comes in handy.

[Flo]

I feel for you Jaq. I've had just over 2 weeks without anxiety and agitation. I'm praying that it doesn't rear it's ugly head again anytime soon. It drives Ian mental, to the point where he'll go out to avoid it. That's something I haven't really mentioned recently. It's not something that I can tell 'normal' people cos they just don't get it! Anyway, hope you have a better day today love.(panda)

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm really not great. Already feeling twitchy and I've not even got up yet. Got teaching this afternoon and then going to my sisters. Can't really make anymore excuses to avoid people really...

[Suzi]

Can you distract until you need to go out?

[Jaquaia]

I need to get up and eat. Then there are bits I can do.

[Suzi]

How's the distraction going?

[Jaquaia]

I've ended u sat watching a fishing programme with my dad making smartarse comments, which is amusing me! But agitated again. It just seems to be constant now.

[Suzi]

When do you next see someone about your mh?

[Jaquaia]

4th June

[Suzi]

Can you bring it forward at all?

[Jaquaia]

Not really. He wants to give the vortioxetine a proper chance before he adds anything in.

[Suzi]

How long have you been on it love?
Have you tried omega oils? I know, I know.. but I do know that they helped Marc....

[Paula]

Big, soothing hugs, lovely

[Jaquaia]

4 and a half weeks at the moment, it will be 7 weeks when I see him next. I've not tried omega oils but I'll look into it.

Well I've been signed off as competent to self-inject! The nurses were lovely and I felt so relaxed with them that my anxiety wasn't even an issue! It's raising it's head again now though. Even though it was a bit rude, I took a phone call from J while at my sisters as I knew it would help me get through. My niece has had me in stitches though!

[OldMike]

Taking a phone call from J is understandable, I think your sister will understand.

Oily fish such as salmon & mackerel have a lot of omega 3 in them.

[magie06]

Lovely when the small ones can make us laugh. Well done on becoming competent! I knew you could.

[Suzi]

Marc took these ones: https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/holland-barrett-maximum-strength-triple-omega-369-capsules-60010151?skuid=010156
He took 3 a day and they really helped him... but obviously check everything with your pharmacist/dr...

[Jaquaia]

I will look into them.

I'm not doing good tonight. Tears aren't far away and the thoughts are always there, it doesn't matter what I do to distract, they're still there

[Suzi]

Oh I'm sorry lovely... I wish I could take it all away for you....

[Paula]

Sweetie, I just want to tell you how much you’re loved and respected (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I just want my head to be quiet

[Suzi]

How's today looking lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I woke up. I'm disappointed I woke up...

Fabulous start I think you'll agree!!!

[Paula]

I just want my head to be quiet

I’m sorry, love,and I’m not making light of how you’re feeling at all but this made me think of Worzel Gummidge and whether you could take off your noisy head and put on your quiet one (grin)

[Jaquaia]

I always hated that!!! One of my earliest memories is being off school sick, and for me to be off school I had to be really poorly!!! I was lying on the couch watching TV and my mum put Worzel Gummidge on. I hated it that much that I rolled over and spent the entire time staring at the back of the couch (giggle)

[Paula]

(rofl)

[OldMike]

I’m sorry, love,and I’m not making light of how you’re feeling at all but this made me think of Worzel Gummidge and whether you could take off your noisy head and put on your quiet one (grin)

I used to like that program with Jon Pertwee.

It'd be great if we could change a circuit in our brain and all would be good again.

Jaq fancy not liking Worzel Gummidge have you no taste :P

[Jaquaia]

I have excellent taste!!!

[Suzi]

I used to love Worzel too! :)

[Jaquaia]

I don't want to keep fighting today. It feels too hard. I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I've been awake 4 hours now and only half dressed. Everything just feels like an enormous effort and I just want it all to stop.

[S deleted]

So don’t do anything. Have a day off. It is allowed.

[magie06]

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you. If only there was something that I could do. I'd swap places with you in an instant, as well you know.

[Jaquaia]

I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel like this.

[Paula]

No, it sucks big time (panda)

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear)(panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I've started this so many times and deleted it each time. I'm still working up the courage to tell J and I already know how he'll react. I'm feeling a little bit more level now but I had to make myself bleed to get there. I don't like it when I crack and SH, I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I feel exhausted now so am settling down in my pjs with a book, I'm just annoyed with myself. And yes, I've cleaned it.

[S deleted]

I get that. Obviously I wish you hadn’t hurt yourself but I get the feelings involved.

[Paula]

You are are a lot of things but never a disappointment. You’re kind, funny, intelligent, caring - the list could go on. Just try to rest your mind this evening (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I've told J and he reacted exactly as I knew he would, just told me it was ok and how much he's going to hug me tomorrow.

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[magie06]

How about a virtual hug for now? Sending you abig hug.

[Suzi]

Oh lovely... The others are right. You are never a disappointment. I wish - the same as everyone - that you didn't feel so bad that you felt you had to do it, but I am never disappointed in you. You're my friend....

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired of having to fight so hard to get through the day in one piece. I've had to promise J I'll have an early night tonight.

[Suzi]

I get that.. (panda) Sweetheart, switch off, distract and sleep... See you in the morning..

[magie06]

Good .ight. sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

[Suzi]

Morning lovely... How are you feeling today? Less anxious I hope...

[Jaquaia]

A bit calmer but still anxious! Going to York to see The Bluetones with J tonight and it's sold out!!!

[Paula]

Awesome! That’s come around quick :)

[Suzi]

You'll have J, you'll be more than fine sweetheart.... Talk to him....

[Jaquaia]

Paula, you're telling me!!!

Suzi, I never have a choice. I can't hide things from him as he sees right through me.

[Suzi]

Good! :)

[Flo]

It sounds as if you can't fake anything with J, and that's a good thing!(nod)

[S deleted]

Tonight is date night isn’t it? Hope you both have a fab evening

[magie06]

I hope you enjoy your evening. I'm sure you will have a great time.

[Jaquaia]

It sounds as if you can't fake anything with J, and that's a good thing!(nod)

I can't. Even over text which is incredibly frustrating!

Tonight is date night isn’t it? Hope you both have a fab evening

It is!!! I'm nervous as hell because people, but so excited!!! And as sad as it may sound, I'm more excited about getting most of the day with him rather than a few stolen hours.


I hope you enjoy your evening. I'm sure you will have a great time.

I know we will :)

[Suzi]

Doesn't sound sad at all...

[OldMike]

I'm sure you'll have a great evening Jaq.

[Paula]

Have fun tonight!

[Suzi]

Hope you're having a ball!

[Jaquaia]

OHMYGOD!!!! THEY WERE AMAZING!!!!!! One of the best bands I've seen live and it made it so special for me to share it with J. I really do love that man so much!

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you had a great time!!!!

[magie06]

It sounds like you had a good night.

[Jaquaia]

It was absolutely brilliant. They sound utterly amazing live, they played all my favourites and ended on one of my all time favourite songs. I got to spend the whole evening with the man I love and everything just feels so natural between us, he encouraged me to get closer so I could see and I never felt any anxiety whatsoever as he was there holding my hand, and when the heat was making me feel sick and lightheaded, he looked after me. It was one of the best nights of my life and I can't wait to do it with him again for the Stereophonics in July (inlove)

[Angie]

Am glad that you had such a good time hunni

[OldMike]

I'm glad you had such a fantabulous time. (party)

[magie06]

That sounds almost idyllic. I'm glad you had such a good time. Take care of yourself today. Try to do nothing for the day. You will be tired after last night.

[Paula]

That post made me beam! It’s so wonderful to see you happy :)

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you!!!

[Jaquaia]

As sad as it may sound, I feel like part of me is missing today. We had such a lovely evening and it just made it even harder to let him go home.

[Paula]

(bear)

[Suzi]

I wish it was so different for you both.

[Jaquaia]

It will be, it's just going to take time. We make a point to talk to each other about everything so if either of us need reassurance we know rather then letting things fester. It's all going to be worth it in the end :)

[Suzi]

It is x

[magie06]

How was today for you?

[Jaquaia]

It's been quiet. I'm missing J terribly and they've changed his hours at work so I won't get to see him tomorrow either. I'm emotional and agitated. I didn't go to my sisters today as I'm struggling to manage people, so I hoovered the hall and stripped, washed and remade the beds. Still feeling agitated though and I'm snappy and irritable.

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry you can’t see J tomorrow (bear)

[magie06]

Can you talk to him tomorrow?

[Suzi]

When do you get to see him next? Can you arrange to go out, rather than stay in your room?

[Jaquaia]

We talk every single day, it's rare that we go a day without speaking on the phone and we always text.


When do you get to see him next? Can you arrange to go out, rather than stay in your room?

Wednesday this week and that's it. He said it will only be brief too but he'd rather see me briefly then not at all :(

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, that sucks. I'm sorry....

[Jaquaia]

Everything seems to suck at the moment. I'm sick and tired of my head.

[magie06]

Can you do anything to make things a bit less sucky.

[Suzi]

I'm not going to teach you how to suck eggs, but you know that it's not always going to be like this...

[Jaquaia]

I just feel stuck at the moment

[magie06]

That's very understandable Jaq. You had a wonderful night Friday and I think you were expecting this crash afterwards.

[Suzi]

How are you today? What's on your agenda this week?

[Paula]

Morning, hunni

[Jaquaia]

Morning. I'm ok I suppose. Plan is to study. I need to try and catch up.

[Suzi]

Don't forget to drink lots whilst you're doing it lovely. Hope it goes well x

[Jaquaia]

Have to admit my drinking is slipping again, though it's not as bad as it was

[Suzi]

Have you managed to drink today?

[Jaquaia]

Not much. Trying to focus on my textbook and it slips my mind

[Suzi]

How are you this evening lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding. Finished my chapter at least. Going to pack it away now and do something relaxing. Not sure whether to knit for a little while

[Suzi]

Hope you've done something stress relieving..

[Suzi]

It used to be one of my little sisters favourite films we used to watch together!

[Jaquaia]

Slowly plodding through my work but have another assignment due in a couple of weeks and I'm about 3 weeks behind. Struggling to concentrate and feeling agitated and it's doing my head in as I need to catch up!!!

[Angie]

Try not to panic or stress about it to much I know that is so much easier said than done, but it wont help hunni, and am trying not to teach you to suck eggs there x

[Suzi]

3 weeks behind? As in 3 essays behind?

[Jaquaia]

3 weeks work, I should be working on week 16 but I'm on week 13. I'm up to date on my submissions.

[Suzi]

You can do it. Look at it one bit at a time, not all 3 together..

[magie06]

Try not to panic. Just do what you can and you will get there.

[Jaquaia]

I have bloods first thing then I'm going to crack on with it since I'll actually be awake early.

[Suzi]

Morning lovely x

[Jaquaia]

Morning. I need to get up. Bloods in an hour and then I have to do my first injection completely on my own...

[Paula]

Good luck

[OldMike]

You can do it Jaq I'm sure all will go well.

[Jaquaia]

Well I've just found out that I can't have bloods taken within 3 days of my methotrexate...

You would have thought that the rheumatology nurses would have told me that!!!

[OldMike]

That's a bit confusing you'd have thought you'd have been told that wouldn't you.

[Paula]

Oh no, what a waste of time. Have you made another appt?

[Jaquaia]

Luckily, the rheumatology nurses did make a point of telling me not to rush the injection and that stuck in my head, so as I got up late, I didn't bother doing it until I got back.

Got to go back in 2 weeks unless my GP says otherwise as my CRP levels are still high. One thing the rheumatology nurse told me when she was teaching me to inject is my CRP level when I was first referred was one of the highest in the entire clinic! But just to show how much of a difference the methotrexate has made, my levels have dropped from 124 when I was referred last year, to 16. :)

[OldMike]

Wow that's a huge drop and shows the methotrexate is doing its job :)

[Suzi]

Wow that's an amazing job... Mine always hover around 100, but because it's osteo I can't have methotrexate ;(

How did the injection go? A friend of mine did her first self inject on Monday - she did it facetimed with the nurse as they'd cancelled her appointment to teach her how to do it!

[Jaquaia]

It went ok. I was nervous but I think given time it will become second nature to me.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Paula]

That’s a huge drop! Well done for this morning, hunni, you did great :)

[magie06]

You are so brave. Well done. You've done loads already.

[Angie]

Thats definately a huge drop,

[Jaquaia]

I cried again!!! Why do I always cry??? He needs me to be strong for him and everytime I tell myself that I won't cry and I do and I'm sick of crying!!!

[Paula]

We cry for many reasons, sadness, joy, pain, and all because of our emotions. Sweetie, you’re crying because he matters so much and I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that

[Jaquaia]

I know you're right. He wouldn't leave until I'd told him why I was crying and he'd made sure I was ok. He said it's important to him that I'm not afraid to show him how I feel. It's just hard letting go when I've had to hide it for so many years and when crying was classed as emotional blackmail.

[Flo]

Forget the idea that crying means you're weak! Like Paula says, there's lots of things that make us cry....it's just another cleansing process, and far better to cry than keep it in and letting it fester. You've got quite a bit on your plate at the moment and you're dealing with it in your own way that's all.

[Angie]

I agree with Paula hunni and this may sound really odd, but am glad that you have been able to cry, it shows how far you have come that you're not holding back your emotions with him as it shows how much you trust in his care and love for you, does that make sense?

[Suzi]

I completely agree with the others. It's actually about the most healthy relationship I think you've had....

[Jaquaia]

That makes perfect sense Angie. He's probably the person I feel safest with and the only one who gets the real me. As sad as it sounds, I don't even feel completely safe around my dad. I love him to bits but I don't feel safe around him as he's an arse when he drinks. I've had to come up stairs as he's being a dick with my mum and I can't handle it right now.

[Suzi]

(panda) lovely.. I really hope that you are doing something nice for you x

[Jaquaia]

At the moment I'm just flopped face down on my bed. I want to do a bit more studying and then maybe find something to watch.

[Suzi]

Do something nice for you lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I've not even eaten yet.

[Suzi]

You haven't eaten anything all day? Hunni, you know you need to..... And drinking.....

Please take care of you - actually scrap that - please take the kind of care of you that I would - oh and I'm a feeder! :) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I ended up just having a toasted cheese sandwich and a scone. I just feel exhausted.

[Paula]

Have you managed to drink?

[Jaquaia]

If I'm honest, I'm still on the same drink from this morning

[OldMike]

I ended up just having a toasted cheese sandwich and a scone. I just feel exhausted.

Nothing wrong with a cheese sandwich and a scone, I'm quite partial to a cheese sarnie and a pickled onion. (panda)

[Paula]

If I'm honest, I'm still on the same drink from this morning

Can you manage more today?

[Suzi]

Morning!
Drink, eat, drink, medicate, drink ;)

[Jaquaia]

I will try and manage more. Today is a struggle for reasons I mentioned elsewhere...

[Paula]

(bear)

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear) If there's anything I can do shout...

[Jaquaia]

I know. You guys are awesome

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

This drinking lark is hard today.

[Suzi]

How's the eating and drinking going gorgeous?

[Jaquaia]

Skipped breakfast and just had a sandwich, and a couple of biscuits and just had tea. only had 2 drinks so far but working on it. Just don't fancy much. I'm on edge again because my dad can be an arse when he's had a drink. But I am medicated.

[Suzi]

He seems to drink a lot... That sounds really triggering for you and your anxiety - which I understand to a point...

[Jaquaia]

He does. He starts about dinner until he goes to bed. It was better when he was at work, it's a huge trigger for me at the moment.

[Paula]

(panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I've finished week 13 and part of week 14. I've decided to put it away and give myself a break and do something for me and all I've done is flop on my bed. I have no energy to do anything. How much time have I wasted just staring at the wall or the ceiling? How many days have actually been bad but I've not recognised it because it's become my normal?

[Paula]

Recharging is not wasting time. If your body needs rest, then you need to rest.

[Jaquaia]

I'm just tired of having to fight for even the small victories

[Suzi]

I've finished week 13 and part of week 14. I've decided to put it away and give myself a break and do something for me and all I've done is flop on my bed. I have no energy to do anything. How much time have I wasted just staring at the wall or the ceiling? How many days have actually been bad but I've not recognised it because it's become my normal?
It's amazing how things become our normal... (panda) Sweetheart you need to rest.... You have to remember you are fighting your own head along with everything else. It is exhausting, give yourself time lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting. All I want right now is to have an early night with J. I just want to be able to lay there wrapped in his arms and drift off to sleep feeling safe and loved for once. I want to not feel alone. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of watching everyone else get their happy ending while I get left behind.

[Paula]

You’re not alone, hunni. I know life’s not what you want it to be yet but it will come (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I've got to go back to the doctors too. They rang me today. My GP has seen something in my blood results that he doesn't like and wants to see me about it. I asked the HCA yesterday and she said everything had come back normal so I'm really hoping he's not getting me back in because of my CRP level being raised. I still have active disease, it's why the consultant switched me to the injection. They've booked me in for a week on Monday, which just happens to be the same day I see the psychiatric nurse prescriber...

[Suzi]

If the doctor wants to see you, then surely they can get you in sooner than over a week ago...

[Paula]

Is it worth trying to get a telephone appt instead?

[Jaquaia]

I've just checked and it's not my usual GP so it's possible it is about my CRP levels. Or possibly about my hormone results. Hopefully that. But he is a very good doctor, he tried referring me to the secondary mental health team about 8 years ago.

My doctors are awful to get an appointment with but if results are a concern they'll get you in as quick as they can. I can wait.

[Paula]

You shouldn’t have to wait. You’re going through a lot of difficulty, health wise, and should be a priority

[Jaquaia]

I haven't got the energy to try and get in quicker at the moment. I haven't even found the energy to turn my light on. I feel so close to breaking yet empty at the same time

[Flo]

Hope you're feeling a little better today love. I do feel for you. Getting through each day is a small victory in itself sometimes. And regarding J. You don't have to fight battles to win him! He's already yours..it's just a matter of time. I think you'll have a lovely future together. Pat yourself on the back. He's worth smiling for.x(bear)

[Suzi]

I'm with Flo completely, I really hope today is even a tiny bit brighter....

[OldMike]

Flo said everything way better than this old dude ever could. I'll just leave this for you (panda)

You've found a soul mate in J and I'm sure you'll be spending lots of happy times together now and in the future.

[Jaquaia]

I laid in the dark until almost midnight, still awake at 1am. Woke up around half 7 and fell back to sleep until about half 10. It's the longest I've slept in a long while but I still feel tired. Still feeling empty and lost too.

[Suzi]

Sorry it was so crappy lovely. Are you getting out of the house at all apart from medical stuff?

[Jaquaia]

Other then for The Bluetones on Friday, not really. My sisters occasionally. Sometimes I'd just rather have the house to myself then go and be around people.

[magie06]

Hugs for you my love. Try for something to award yourself for getting this far, over the weekend.

[Jaquaia]

I want to try and do some study first. All I've done is come up and lay down so far...

[Suzi]

I've not managed to be particularly productive today.... I am exhausted from top to toe and have less motivation than an empty snail shell!

(panda)(panda) How's it going? Have you eaten? Had a drink yet?