General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[OldMike]

J is right you're a lovely person and are certainly worth it. (bear)

J is a little gem (and I don't mean a lettuce you see Little Gem is a variety of lettuce, what am I wittering about trying explain my horticultural jokes, paint me green and call me a cucumber) :x

J is someone special and I'm so pleased for you Jaq, listen to what he says (bear)

[Suzi]

Jaq, maybe you could start challenging those horrible thoughts - each time you have one make yourself counter it with a positive...

[Jaquaia]

Then I would get nothing done as they are constant at the moment

[Suzi]

Then so be it. Start shouting at those thoughts!

[Jaquaia]

I have an assignment due next week, appointments Tues, Weds, Thurs and Fri, and I'm still doing work from March. I don't have time to do anything but ignore those thoughts as best I can.

[Suzi]

OK love...

[Jaquaia]

So sobbing this morning when I woke up, quite bright this afternoon, unable to concentrate, loads of energy while listening to music, a bit meh... now. I feel fecking dizzy!!!!

[S deleted]

I can relate

[Suzi]

(bear) lovely. Did you get any work done?

[Jaquaia]

I read a couple of pages but struggled to take it in. Put it away now as my hands are throbbing.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Have you spoken to your rheumy about how much pain you're still in?

[Jaquaia]

I'm often not in pain, just stiff. It's rare that I flare up now, the methotrexate has made a huge difference

[Suzi]

Glad it's made such a difference!

[Jaquaia]

Only 3 weeks behind now. Feel like I'm attempting to scale a mountain while the ground keeps shifting under my feet so I think I'm going to email my tutor tomorrow and make him aware of the issues with the medication change.

Killed my laptop now anyway so the rest of the night is watching Strictly Ballroom again and I'll charge it tomorrow.

[Paula]

I think talking to your tutor is a very good idea

[Jaquaia]

He was brilliant last time so I'm not as worried about emailing him as last time.

[Suzi]

I agree, talking to him would be a good idea - even just to keep him in the loop....

[Flo]

How are you feeling now Jaq? Yes, tell your tutor. He'll understand. After all better to tell him rather than slide and him not knowing why. Have a better day today.

[Jaquaia]

I'm feeling ok so far, I was awake when J went to work so we talked while he drove :)

I've got my laptop charging so will do it in a little while.

[Suzi]

Glad you're doing OK love.
Can you pace with the studying? Do a little, then rest a little?

[Jaquaia]

I will do my best.

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Jaquaia]

My hands are stiff, my head is only just calming down after racing all afternoon, and I'm tired. But hopefully I've been able to put a smile on someones face to I'll take it as a win.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely x

[Paula]

(Kiss)

[magie06]

Thinking of you.

[Jaquaia]

I have until Monday. My tutor is awesome :)

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! Well done for talking to them.

[Paula]

Well done, hunni :)

[Jaquaia]

I feel like I can breathe a bit, though still very on edge. Now just got to get through the week! Injection and bra fitting tomorrow, weightwise appointment weds, doctors thurs and nurse prescriber friday!

[Angie]

Glad that you are sorted with the tutor hunni, you have a busy week please try and pace

[magie06]

Can you do some resting in between all of those jobs?

[Suzi]

I agree, make sure you schedule some "Jaq Time" :)

[Jaquaia]

I need to study so will rest when I can. My extension is only until Monday and it's a bigger piece of work. Though I am spending some time with J this afternoon, he needs so many hugs

[magie06]

And thankfully hugs work both ways! Good luck with your study and paper this week and don't forget we are all behind you.

[Suzi]

How you doing babe?

[Jaquaia]

Not good. It's brilliant when J is here as I can completely drop my guard but it's getting harder and harder when he goes. My dad has been drinking all afternoon and after a lovely couple of hours with J, I'm finding it much harder to handle then I normally would.

[Suzi]

Does your Dad have an issue with alcohol?
Sorry it's so crappy love. Can you distract/do something different to drown him out?

[Jaquaia]

I suspect there's a bit of an issue there. I've told J tonight that when things are settled, I refuse to have beer in the house for when my dad visits. My sister and brother both make sure they have it in for him but I don't want to and he's completely behind me. I've even told my mum that when I marry (though she has no idea that there's someone who wants that job! (giggle)) that I don't want him drinking before he walks me down the aisle. One or 2 I can live with, but if he goes overboard then I don't want him giving me away, that's how strongly I feel about it.

[Paula]

I don’t blame you. For my first wedding, my mum told my grandad that, if he ruined my wedding in the same way he ruined hers, she would be chucking him out and would never see him again. For my mum and dad’s wedding, grandad got very drunk before the service, crashed the car and ended up in hospital (and lost his licence, again). She was the only one of her siblings (6 of them) who would stand up to him but she stood her ground, like you plan to do, despite the fact he was 6’2” and he’s 5’1”

[Jaquaia]

I'm the only one who's ever really stood up to him. It's easier for the other 2 as they only see them once a week, I have to deal with him slurring his words and being a dick most days.

It surprised J when I told him that he is the only man I feel completely safe with, I never even feel completely safe around my dad and brother :(

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear) I have every respect for you love. We have issues with Marc's Dad so I do sympathise.

[Jaquaia]

I spend so much time in my room now just to escape it, I mean I know I did anyway but now I only eat downstairs really.

[Suzi]

That's so not healthy - but I get why you are. With the smoking and the drinking you must be finding it so hard - no option of moving out?

[Jaquaia]

Oh!!!! Have I not mentioned that???? They've quit! They've not had a cig in 3 weeks!

I've discussed it with J. I don't really want to be on my own though

[Paula]

That’s a positive move on their part!

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be on your own. Has the situation changed at all?

[Suzi]

Wow! That's brilliant about them quitting!

I can understand not wanting to be on your own.
How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

We're going to the bank to sort a few things out when I'm back. I've reached my limit on how much (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) I can sit back and watch him take so I have to admit that I've taken charge a bit. I can take any grief people throw at me but hurt someone I love and my claws come out.

I'm a bit stressed today if I'm honest. Went for my bra fitting and not convinced whatsoever! Had a brief chat with a few people I used to work with, which was nice. Had my injection and complained about the training been on top of the 6 weeks and they've said that they may have to put a leaflet together as the doctors seem to be telling everyone wrongly, the nurses were both great about that and we had a giggle. Popped to Home Bargains for a few bits and that stressed the hell out of me!

[Paula]

That’s a lot to cope with in one day, lovely. ....

[Jaquaia]

This afternoon is studying with music on I think. Starting to get agitated now and just need peace and quiet. Only just eaten so still need to take my meds, and my full arm is aching, no wonder when my inflammation markers are up again.

[Suzi]

Hunni can you try to take your meds at the same time each day? I know that was key to getting Marc's and my meds right...

How has the studying gone?

[Jaquaia]

Appointment at 10am so needed to leave by half 9. Didn't find the energy to move until about quarter to 9 as I've been awake sing just after 6, about 4 hours sleep, not much more. Plan was to get ready and then eat and medicate, except my mother took forever in the bathroom and when you're desperate for a wee, eating is the last thing on your mind. By that point, it was too late to eat and I have to take the metformin with food. I find it much easier to take all my meds together as they I have it in my head that they're taken. So it's not as if it was deliberate.

[Suzi]

Sorry love, I didn't mean it to come across as if it was - I'd never think that....

[Jaquaia]

No it's me. I know you wouldn't. I'm just very, very irritable at the moment and struggling to manage it. My dad commented on it to my mum yesterday as I walked away from him while he was talking to me.

[Paula]

Is it possible, in those circumstances, to just grab a banana or cereal bar on the run?

[Jaquaia]

Normally I would but it never even crossed my mind today. Having a fight to get into the bathroom completely threw me.

[Suzi]

I can understand that.. (bear)

[Paula]

(panda). You’ve got a lot on at the moment, and are handling it all brilliantly

[Jaquaia]

I feel completely overwhelmed. I've completely miscalculated my finances and am having to lend off my dad for next week, which I feel guilty about. Have to admit that I've found it hard to control my spending urges too. I'm terrified about actually going for obvious reasons which I won't discuss here! I don't completely trust my self control as my mood swings have been so extreme lately, I've either spent the last 2 weeks crying or bouncing off the walls with excess energy! And after friday I lose that specialist support as he's already told me that he'll be discharging me.

[Paula]

Being discharged is a good thing, it means you’ve come a long way, it’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it but you’ve found new, better ways of dealing with the illness and the challenges it puts on you. However, being discharged is also scary and means you don’t have that safety net anymore. It’s hard to deal with the changes but I have total faith in you (bear)

[Jaquaia]

That's just it, I'm getting discharged because he can't keep me on his books while they wait and see if the new AD works. It's nothing to do with dealing with things better, it's purely a numbers thing and that is what scares me so much. If these don't work then the next step is a mood stabiliser but they can only be prescribed by a specialist. How much more fighting will I have to do to see someone who will actually prescribe them as my GP can't.

[Suzi]

So how do you get back to them if you need something else? Another long referral wait? Can he not give you an open appointment?

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea. I was so overwhelmed that he thought there was merit in looking at my treatment that I didn't think to ask.

[Suzi]

Can you ask on Friday?

[Jaquaia]

I can. I'm not sure if I can face going down the assessment route again.

[Suzi]

You can if you have to, so let's not worry too much now lovely....

[Jaquaia]

At the moment, everything is worrying me. Next week is a huge issue for me right now.

[Paula]

In my experience, no gp will prescribe new mood stabilisers but they will continue with repeats. Just tell him you’re worried about assessment and ask if he could make a note on your file to suggest straight to him for future issues

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired yet my head is racing. J bollocked me earlier because I called half 6 a lie-in. What I didn't tell him is I was still awake at half 1.

[Paula]

I know this sounds obvious but I’m going to say it anyway. You need to get your sleep pattern sorted. Is it something you’ve discussed with your gp recently? Are you taking anything?

[Jaquaia]

I've mentioned it and it's been ignored. I did mention it to the nurse prescriber. He said he doesn't want to consider mirtazapine for me because of the weight gain associated with it but didn't offer another option. I don't think my GP will offer anything alongside it at the moment, not until they get the letter telling them my medication has changed.

[Paula]

How about sleeping tablets, for a short period to get your body clock sorted?

[Jaquaia]

I've been speaking to my best friend who used to be a mental health nurse. He's referred to how I am at the moment as a manic episode a few times and it would explain how I am functioning on so little sleep I suppose. I'm not even dozing during the day. Zopiclone did work for me before, but I think my GP will be reluctant to prescribe anything until they find out officially what meds I've been put on. Will mention is again to the nurse on friday though.

[Paula]

Good girl ;)

[Jaquaia]

Don't get too used to it... ;)

[Jaquaia]

Half 1, still wide awake but still able to post epic FB posts! (rock)

Modest too! And maybe still on one....

[Suzi]

It's an epic post! Can I post it to the FB page? With or without name?

[Jaquaia]

You can and I don't mind either way!

[Suzi]

Awesome, thank you gorgeous lady!

[magie06]

Hi there. Thinking of you. Sending lots of hugs.

[S deleted]

Try not to have too much fun at the nut house lol

[Jaquaia]

I go to all the cool places!!!

[Suzi]

How'd it go?
Did you ask about next steps and how to get re-referred to them again if needed?

[Jaquaia]

He's actually keeping me on, which is not what he said last time, and wants to see me in 4/5 weeks. I'm really, really agitated and fidgety today which he picked up on. He said my agitation should never have been dismissed by the doctors I've seen. He wants me to give the vortioxetine another 4/5 weeks at 10mg to see if it's going to have an effect. If it is and I'm still just as agitated, then he'll be looking at increasing the dose and potentially adding in quetiapine at a low dose.

[S deleted]

Hooray for someone taking your symptoms seriously and looking at various options to deal with the problem. I know it’s a month in limbo but at least there is a plan going forward. It’s all positive.

[Suzi]

That's awesome!!!!!!

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure what to actually think now.

[Paula]

All you need to think now is that you’ve got someone who’s listening to you, is recognising the symptoms and is doing something about it. You don’t need to focus on anything else. Ftr, my agitation was the very first thing my first psychiatrist 17 years ago noticed and wanted to deal with ....

[Jaquaia]

It's one of the things that bothers me the most as it's usually hand in hand with irritation. It's completely out of character for me.

[Angie]

Am glad someone is listening to you hunni x

[Flo]

It's taken long enough for them to realise that something needs to be done. That must be a relief for you. It's about time that you get the respect you deserve! Good for you for persevering.

[Jaquaia]

I just feel completely deflated now. I'm still agitated but I feel completely flat. I've cried on the phone to J even though I tried so hard not to. My voice has no life to it, I feel exhausted even though I can't sit still and my skin is crawling

[Paula]

That’s exactly it though, lovely. You’re exhausted and, from experience, I can say that it’s always when there’s hope on the horizon that it hits just how exhausted you are

[Jaquaia]

I don't have time to be exhausted though. I have just short of 1400 words to write by first thing Monday. I have no idea how I'm supposed to muddle through

[Suzi]

You can do it lovely, just be kind to yourself along the way. You have to let yourself pace. You are exhausted, and the relief of someone finally listening is huge and it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks...

[Jaquaia]

I feel like I'm trying to tread water at the moment and keep going under as I don't have the energy to keep my body doing what it needs to stay afloat.

[S deleted]

Mate trust me, there may be the occasional gulp of salt water but trust me you are doing great

[Suzi]

Let us be your life ring and help you stay afloat love. The best thing you can do is talk and you know that.... How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not great. I'm agitated again and struggling to sit still yet I have no energy to do anything and all that's doing is making me more and more irritable.

[Suzi]

Can you do the background reading for your course?

[Jaquaia]

I've done the background reading. I need to start getting words down or I'm going to fail. But then there's nothing new there is there. I fail at almost everything I try to do.

[OldMike]

So NOT true Jaq I've every faith in you, you're struggling with the change in meds at the moment and but I'm sure you're trying your hardest and who can ask for more. (bear) (panda)

[magie06]

Maybe at almost everything BUT not everything. You probably need the rest. How is the sleep going? Are you getting more than 5 hours?

[Suzi]

I completely agree with the others - you do not fail at everything at all. You're dealing with a really hard time atm and the relief of someone listening is immense and certainly not something to be dismissed.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You'll get it all done, but maybe not all this week - email your tutor and explain if you need to.

[Paula]

Fail? You? No, not in the slightest.

[Jaquaia]

I am just struggling so much with just surviving at the moment. I suppose I'm in crisis. If I actually admitted even half of what is going on in my head then it would upset people. And before anyone suggests counselling again, I've been told that I can't have any while I'm under the secondary team.

[Suzi]

What about the crisis team? Are you safe?

[Jaquaia]

I'm safe, just. My parents have picked up on me not being well so seem to be keeping an eye on me, or my mum does anyway. I've just been so jumpy and agitated today

I'm not getting very far with this essay at all. With incredible timing, J rang just as I finally cracked and started crying. He's made me email my tutor again and tell him just how much I'm struggling at the moment and has asked me to put everything away soon and get some rest.

[Angie]

I'm liking J more and more xx

[Jaquaia]

He is pretty awesome :) He can read me ridiculously well so I never get to hide anything from him.

[Angie]

Good!

[Suzi]

Good. I'm glad. Have you emailed your tutor?

[magie06]

I think you know how I feel about J. I hope that by talking it out, it won't feel so bad now. How's the resting going?

[Jaquaia]

I have emailed my tutor. Have to admit I'm not resting yet but need to give in I think.

[Suzi]

Time for resting please lovely lady....

[Jaquaia]

I've given in finally. It's probably the first time I actually had a straight thought all day. He calms me so much.

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Paula]

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

[Jaquaia]

I'd say ok but then I've been awake about 3 and a half hours and still haven't found the energy to get up

[S deleted]

Snap!

[Flo]

Why bother getting up until you're ready to. It's Sunday!

[Suzi]

Exactly! It's Sunday, have a lie in!

[Angie]

Dont get up unless you have to sweetie
And Monday is a bank holiday so lie in time then to xx

[Jaquaia]

I have my essay to do so I need to be up :(

[magie06]

Can you promise yourself to do a broad outline of your essay today and maybe start it properly tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

The deadline is 9am tomorrow :(

[Jaquaia]

I could cry! Just checked my email and my tutor has offered me more time! I'm so relieved.

[S deleted]

I bet thats a huge relief.

[Angie]

Brilliant hunni x

[OldMike]

That's good Jaq, now the pressure's off (whew)

[Paula]

Fab, Jaq

[Jaquaia]

I've decided to re-do the background reading but it's a struggle. It's taken me a couple of hours to re-read 3 pages and make notes. I'm hoping a bit more will sink in this time round but still panicking as I've not heard back from my tutor with the amended deadline, even though logically I know that he'll reply when he next checks his email and he's aware that I won't be submitting it tomorrow.

Why can't my head just give me one day of working properly?!?

And yes, I know! I'm ill, new meds, possibly need some outside the box thinking etc etc...

[S deleted]

I can’t concentrate on any book when I’m bad. I can read the same page 3 times and still not have a clue what it said. Maybe you need to step away from it for a while and do something different. Maybe go sit in the garden for half an hour, or watch a bit of tv, or go for a little walk. Anything that gets you out of your room and away from the books and laptop. Then go back when your ready and hopefully you’ll be better able to process stuff.

[Suzi]

I agree, sometimes walking away for 10 mins is the best thing...

[Jaquaia]

I've had a break for tea but just really, really agitated now.

[Paula]

Then take a little more time. You’re not going to be able to do this when you’re feeling like this so maybe doing something completely different for half an hour could refocus your mind

[Jaquaia]

I've admitted defeat. And I will admit that my head is in a right mess. I've just blurted a lot of it out to J. How that man hasn't got fed up of me already I have no idea!

[Angie]

Because he cares and understands hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I'm not convinced that I deserve it.

[Paula]

Yes you do, you really, really do

[Suzi]

I agree, you really do... You can always let it all out to us too you know...

[Jaquaia]

I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.

[S deleted]

I never get bored of you.

[Paula]

You are no less deserving of our love and attention as anyone else, I promise

[Jaquaia]

I don't even know where to start

[Angie]

It doesnt matter where you start hunni x

[Paula]

Even one word would be a start, hunni

[Suzi]

I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.
What would you say if I said that to you? That I don't talk about things because I think that you'll get bored of hearing it? That I don't deserve to be listened to or that you, as my friend, wouldn't want to hear that I was struggling or in pain?

[OldMike]

I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.

Your problems are real Jaq, we are all here to listen *turns up hearing aid*

We'll never get bored of you (bear)

[Jaquaia]

What would you say if I said that to you? That I don't talk about things because I think that you'll get bored of hearing it? That I don't deserve to be listened to or that you, as my friend, wouldn't want to hear that I was struggling or in pain?

Ah! You see me and J often have this conversation. Our standard replies are "stop using logic against me" and "I embrace hypocrisy".

The truth is, I think other people are more worthy. I will do anything for anyone if it will help them. I just don't think I'm worthy of the same.

[Angie]

You are just as worthy hunni x

[Suzi]

I think the majority of us here would say exactly the same....

[Jaquaia]

There is just so much in my head and I don't know how to untangle it, even though I know that a lot of it is completely irrational.

[Suzi]

Then just let it all out... but by bit, word by word, bullet point it all?

[Jaquaia]

I'll try. I can't put all of it here but will try and get out what I can

[Suzi]

I'm proud of you for even trying...

[magie06]

You are doing so well to even mention that you are afraid to say anything. Well done you.

[Jaquaia]

I'm just getting more and more agitated. You know those scenes you see on Black Friday, where it's a mad scramble to get to the bargains? That is what my head feels like. The moment I try and pinpoint one thing, everything else makes a mad dash for the exit...

[Paula]

Are you at all able to do some mindfulness?

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to focus on my work, though I am taking breaks. I have music on too, which usually relaxes me. I daren't start anything else for a little while as I can get obsessive and I have too much to do. I'm going to grab a shower a bit later and hope that helps.

[Suzi]

How's it going lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Very, very slowly. I've achieved about a 3rd of the word limit but none of it is in any sort of readable order. I'm taking a break to get some of my stuff together for the weekend, otherwise I'll be panicking wednesday night and won't sleep properly. Not that I do anyway but you know what I mean. And my head is racing, I can't type this as fast as my head wants me to and it's making me feel very, very tense.

[Suzi]

Glad you're pacing....

[Jaquaia]

Except it doesn't feel like I'm pacing as I can't sit still...

[Paula]

Do you use essential oils to help you relax?

[Jaquaia]

I have some. Not sure where I've put them. But I do have a sleep pillow mist from avon which sometimes helps. Going to try a shower, hopefully it will relax me

[magie06]

How are you doing now?

[Jaquaia]

Still really agitated. My head is racing. Clean though!!! Clean is always a bonus!

[Suzi]

Hoorah for clean!
Hope you've managed to calm a bit lovely...

[Jaquaia]

Nope. Still agitated, still can't sit still, thoughts still racing.

[S deleted]

I'm going to grab a shower a bit later

But you’re not seeing J tomorrow are you lmao

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

He thinks my mum knows too after that comment!

[S deleted]

Of course she knows. She’s no idiot.

[Suzi]

What? Tell all....

[Flo]

How's things today Jaq? Still racing? Do you think there's an underlying factor that's making you go into overdrive?...apart from the anxiety that is....with me it's either clockwork mouse or snail...rarely a happy medium!!...try and enjoy your day....and your BF.(wasntme)

[Jaquaia]

Well for obvious reasons, there's only you guys here and a couple of my other friends who know about me and J. As far as anyone else knows, we're just friends as he wants to protect me from any nasty fallout.


How's things today Jaq? Still racing? Do you think there's an underlying factor that's making you go into overdrive?...apart from the anxiety that is....with me it's either clockwork mouse or snail...rarely a happy medium!!...try and enjoy your day....and your BF.(wasntme)

I'm not seeing him until tomorrow Flo. (angel)

I've woken up slightly agitated and already struggling to stay still. Yep, head is working slightly faster then I'd like. One of my best friends used to be a mental health nurse and he suspects I may have bipolar and that this is a manic phase. Not sure as my doctors have dismissed it.

[Suzi]

Are you keeping a log of your moods/symptoms? It might help.... It would make sense...

[Jaquaia]

I've been keeping track as much as I've been able to remember.

[Suzi]

What about using an app or a diary?

[Jaquaia]

I have a diary. I need to get it out again

[Suzi]

Please do lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I have to say, that is the first blood test that has ever sent twinges of pain down my arm....

[Paula]

Ouch. I feel your pain

You’re on mood stabilisers now aren’t you?

[Jaquaia]

More bloods tomorrow too as my gp wants my hormone levels looking at.

I'm not. Just the vortioxetine. He wants me to give this a decent amount of time to get into my system as he could add in a mood stabiliser and there could be problems but we won't know what drug is causing it so we've wasted a month. Makes a lot of sense doing it this way really, it just doesn't help the agitation right now.

[Suzi]

(panda) Oh love! Sorry it's not straight forward for you now.

[Jaquaia]

I'm used to things not being straightforward! (rofl)

And to top all that off, it's 24 degrees and hot enough that I'm wearing a dress, I'm trying to do my essay (sat really ladylike (giggle)) and my stomach has started! It can only be IBS but I'm fed up of doctors so never had it officially diagnosed...

[S deleted]

Oh I was diagnosed in a split second. I’d recently had full bloods done and so the GP saw that was fine and I’d barely got the words out and he was printing off fact sheets about managing IBS lol.

[Flo]

I think they all do it!!....if you have a dose of the runs and haven't had an India takeaway, been abroad, pigged out on fruit or drank too much Guinness...then the only thing left is IBS!!...just think...we could all be making 120k a year!! Simples!

[Jaquaia]

I will defend my GP! He had blood tests and me seeing a rheumatologist within 2 and a half weeks! Now I think that is awesome!!! And if my stomach doesn't settle, I can always use a cork (giggle)

[S deleted]

That doesn’t work lol

[Jaquaia]

As long as it settles for Friday night!!!!

[Flo]

I will defend my GP! He had blood tests and me seeing a rheumatologist within 2 and a half weeks! Now I think that is awesome!!! And if my stomach doesn't settle, I can always use a cork (giggle)

(rofl)

[Suzi]

I hate IBS.. *sympathies*

[Jaquaia]

I have another 600 words to write and packing to do so starting to get even more wound up then I was...

[Angie]

One thing at a time hunni, can you do a few words then take a break by doing a bit of packing and so on ?

[Paula]

You’re almost there. You can do this *waves pompoms*

[S deleted]

Angie's idea isn't a bad one. say 30 mins on the essay then take a break and do some packing then back to the essay. Just stay away from the Haribo, lol

[Jaquaia]

At the moment, I'm panicking as my tutor hasn't actually emailed me back with a new deadline. Except the more I panic, the harder it is to get the words out. I don't think a lot of what I've written is relevant either. So just hoping for the best and at the moment, my best is writing a coherent essay, even if it doesn't completely answer the question.

[Suzi]

How are you lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm agitated. But seeing J soon so yay!!!!! (inlove)

The plan today is breakfast, meds, shower, hugs, assignment, packing!!! I bet I forget something...

[Paula]

One thing at a time. Breakfast done?

[Jaquaia]

And medicated

[Suzi]

Packing sorted? Or a list written?

[Jaquaia]

I've selected my make up and got my dress out of the wardrobe. That's as far as I've got. Still need to finish my essay, my clothes are on the line drying, my anxiety had got to the point were I felt sick but J has settled that and kept me calm when my mum (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed me off!

[Suzi]

What did your mum do/say?

[Jaquaia]

I was upstairs with J and she brought up some pjs and just tapped and walked straight in and started rambling on about some app the smoking cessation team are going to install for her and moaning about my dress riding up so she could see my knickers. First of all, you're supposed to knock and wait for a reply, not just waltz straight in! You invaded the only personal space that I have. Secondly, she knows that J is struggling at the moment so we could have been having an intensely personal conversation and she could have stopped him opening up further. Thirdly, it was just plain rude!!! It could have waited until after he left! There was absolutely no need for her to come in and stay there wittering on for so long. And then to moan about my dress being up, and actually pull it down, and it covered me, it was just where she was stood!!! One, get off me!!! Two, If I want to flash my underwear in my room I will!!!

[Suzi]

OO that would have really got to me! My girls are 13 and 14 and B is 17 and I wouldn't dream of that - normally I knock and then I say "OK for me to pop in?" I learnt how much I hated it when my Mum did it to me - oh and read my diary...

[Jaquaia]

I just flopped over J and buried my head in his chest. I didn't even think, I was annoyed and frustrated and it felt natural to turn to him. I'll be surprised if she doesn't comment on it. But I just thought it was really rude of her. And then my dad walked in to hand her her phone and she started taking the call in my room!!! FFS!!!!

[magie06]

Oh god. That's so rude. Aisling is 11 but her room is her business. The only time I go in there, is when she's not in there to either get her washing or return her laundry. I very rarely go in when she's at home.

[Jaquaia]

It's just really wound me up. Her only redeeming grace was her timing!!!

[OldMike]

That's not right at all, I know mums always see children as their babies but no way should she knock and walk straight in when she knows J is there. Could you get a lock fitted on your bedroom door if mum won't take the hint that it is your out personal space and no one should enter without good reason and bringing you a pair of PJ's ain't a good reason.

[Jaquaia]

She would have learnt her lesson if she'd walked in 20 minutes earlier...

[S deleted]

Explains why your dress was a tad revealing, lol

[Jaquaia]

It wasn't! It covered my butt, and that is no mean feat in itself!!! But from where she was stood at the door, she was looking up my dress!!!

I did turn round and tell her that at least I was wearing knickers....

[S deleted]

but it doesn't count when you use them to warm your ankles lol

[Jaquaia]

Cheeky mare!!! (rofl)

[S deleted]

Hey, the only time I get to drop my knickers these days is to sit on the bog. I'm only jealous haha

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

My essay has hit 4 figures!!!!! Is it coherent? Yes!!! Is it relevant? Bits of it. But it is work I can hand in and correctly referenced.

[Paula]

(giggle) I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!

It’s completely inappropriate for any mum to do that - especially as you’re not exactly a baby anymore. I wish there was a way right now to change your situation for you ....

[S deleted]

(giggle) I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!

Pervert lol. I once had practically the whole family walk in while I was on the job. My mum, sister and nephews, when they were small, all decided to pop in, sit on the bed and have a chat!!! My bf at the time just hid his face under the duvet too ashamed to come out.

[Jaquaia]

(giggle) I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!

It’s completely inappropriate for any mum to do that - especially as you’re not exactly a baby anymore. I wish there was a way right now to change your situation for you ....

:o

I think we both would have died of embarrassment and I would have had to sit through hours of moral lectures!!!

I know it will change. I just need to be patient.

[S deleted]

Has ya Ma said anything since this afternoon?

[Jaquaia]

They went to my sisters and I stayed home and worked on my essay.

[Suzi]

Good plan lol

[Jaquaia]

Anyone want to come and pack for me?

[Paula]

God no. I hate packing ;)

[Jaquaia]

I have a pile of clothes and a toothbrush so far...

All I really want to do is relax now, I'm exhausted! I think the plan needs to be pjs, packing, and an early night

[S deleted]

Write a list of what you're taking tonight and then whizz round and pack it all in the morning. Actually just thinking about that it's not something I could do cos I'd panic I'd over sleep so have to get it done ready for a quick dash out the door in the morning if needed but I am the woman who turns a road trip into a military operation planning every minor detail and preparing for every eventuality.

[Jaquaia]

I'm thinking if I can get it mostly done tonight then I can take it easy in morning. I just have no energy to move now

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous, how are you? What's the agenda today?

[Paula]

Morning lovely!

[Jaquaia]

Just heading to the station now. Really, really agitated though and my anxiety is so bad I feel sick. Graham is meeting me at the other end with a mocha though!

[S deleted]

You’ve got him well trained.

[Jaquaia]

Due into Manchester Piccadilly in 6 minutes. Guess where I'm not....

[Suzi]

How's it going?

[Paula]

Hey, hunni, how are you doing?

[S deleted]

Are you there yet?

[Jaquaia]

Finally at the hotel! Signalling failure near Stalybridge meant that the train was a few minutes late leaving Hull. Got to Huddersfield to be kicked off the train as they'd cancelled the rest of the service. Get on the next train which is heading to Liverpool via Victoria station so text Graham to let him know. He heads to Victoria from Piccadilly. Still sat in Huddersfield as the train has no driver!!! Said signalling failure is affecting him getting across from Stalybridge... Train pulls in on the next platform while we're waiting for the driver, going via Piccadilly! At this point I decided to stay put as Graham was waiting for me at Victoria now. Driver finally arrives and we finally get underway only for the conductor to make an announcement...

The train is no longer going to Liverpool and will instead terminate at Piccadilly....

Anyway, 50 minutes late but I'm now at the hotel and checked in. Heading down to the bar soon but need my guts to settle a bit first...

[OldMike]

What a palaver Jaq at least you got there safe and sound in the end.

[Paula]

Oh no :( are you ok after all that?

[Angie]

Oh hunni what a time you had travelling hope your more settled now though.

Please say a big hello to my home for me though I was born in the city centre of Manchester

[S deleted]

What's your room like? Had a chance to chill out or have you found the bar and currently drowning your anxiety?

[Suzi]

Hope you're having a brilliant time lovely x

[Jaquaia]

I've been very agitated, my friend Annie picked up on it. And Graham has kept an eye on me. Just got back to the hotel after a lovely meal with a small group of people and not laughed so much in ages.

[Suzi]

Glad you had a good time hunni... What's the room like? Can you distract from the agitation?

[Jaquaia]

It's basic and small but all i need is somewhere to sleep.

The meal with such a small group has helped massively.

[Suzi]

(panda) You're awesome.

[Angie]

Awww glad your having a good time xx