General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

Can I go back to bed??? Now I'm in the car my anxiety is rocketing :(

[Paula]

It’ll be ok, Jaq, you’re much stronger than you think (panda). Big hugs

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

OH MY GOD!!!! HE ACTUALLY HELPED ME!!!!!

I'm so happy! And surprised!!! Very surprised but he was lovely.

[Angie]

That's brilliant hunni x

[Paula]

Fantastic! What’s the plan?

[Jaquaia]

He was so nice!!! He had 3 options for me.

1. Try and older antidepressant (pre-fluoxetine era)
2. Go back on an antidepressant I've already tried and augment it with a mood stabiliser. He was talking about lamotrigine to begin with and then said about putting me back on sertraline with quetiapine.
3. Try me on vortioxetine which he said works differently to other SSRI's and tends to work well for people who haven't had much success with other ADs.

He's gone for the vortioxetine. I'm to reduce my paroxetine over the next few days then stop taking it so I have 3 days with nothing and then start the vortioxetine. He's going to send me an appointment to go see him again in about 4 or 5 weeks and if I'm managing ok with it he'll discharge me back to my gp.

[magie06]

I'm on sertraline and quetiapine now and I'm finding them great.

[Paula]

It’s about time! I’m so relieved for you :)

[Jaquaia]

He seemed surprised by what the CPN said to me too.

[Suzi]

I'm thrilled for you!!!

[Paula]

He seemed surprised by what the CPN said to me too.

I think we all were ...

[Jaquaia]

I'm so tired now. Already got over-emotional on the phone with J and cried.

[magie06]

But that's what appointments like that do to everyone. Don't worry and relax now if you can. I'm so glad that you have J in your corner. He sounds so nice and you and he deserve to be together.

[OldMike]

Seems like a good plan Jaq and it's great your appointment went so well.

[Suzi]

I hope you're resting. Appointments like that are so exhausting and the relief of finally being listened to is too!

[Jaquaia]

I tried studying but ended up falling asleep. Feeling really low now. J ended up parking up at the edge of his village and refusing to get off the phone until I told him what was wrong but I can't really narrow it down to one thing. I really hope this new medication works as I'm so fed up of feeling like this.

[Suzi]

Maybe you need the sleep?
Sorry you're feeling low lovely....

[Jaquaia]

I probably did. I was awake at half 3 again and I should be used to feeling low.

[Paula]

No. Being used to feeling low can lead to giving in to it. I’m not going to allow you to do that. You will feel low, but you need to keep fighting - you’ve had a leg up today, you can hope .... I’m so proud of you, you’ve kept pushing and today is the result (panda)

[Jaquaia]

It's just exhausting fighting all the time.

I've got my next appointment. I go see him again on the 4th of May

[Suzi]

I know it's hard love, but we're here to help you to keep fighting.

[Jaquaia]

I think I need a lot of help some days

[Paula]

We all do, sweetheart, at times. It’s ok to lean on us when you need to - that’s what friends are for

[Jaquaia]

I struggle getting past the feeling that I'm a burden. I never seem to have many good days, I'm not able to give much support here recently, and I'm very conscious of taking more than I give. Even with J, I feel guilty for being so low so often. I feel like I'm just extra grief for him that he can do without. I think most people can do without me really.

[S deleted]

Ahem. I can say hand on heart that I want and need you and the support you’ve given me recently goes above and beyond. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass cos I would never do that. Despite your own problems you’ve been there for me so many times and I could never see you as a burden, only a blessing.

[Paula]

Stella’s absolutely right. You give massive amounts of support here and to the people you care about - no matter how bad you’re feeling. You are not a burden and, with J, if he didn’t want to look after you when you’re struggling, he wouldn’t.

I have huge amounts of respect for you

[Jaquaia]

I guess that's me told!!!

[Suzi]

A burden? You? To us? Never. You could never be a burden. We're friends - if it was the other way round (and I often feel like a burden so I do understand) what would you be saying to me/us?
You need support atm? So? What about all the times you've told me that you're more than happy to support me when I've needed it? Have some hugs, (bear)(bear), love and understanding.
I promise if you ever get to be a burden I'll be the first person to tell you.....

[Jaquaia]

I know that I would tell you exactly what you're telling me, I just don't think I'm as important.

[Suzi]

Maybe you could start to believe that we believe that you are?

[Jaquaia]

I can try

[Suzi]

That's all I'll ever ask...

[Jaquaia]

Feeling really lonely tonight. Don't know why

[Paula]

(panda)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

I'm with you in spirit - only a little bit though, coz otherwise that would be creepy ;) (invis)

[Jaquaia]

Today feels like it is going to be a very long day!

[Suzi]

What's today's agenda?

[Jaquaia]

I've finished a weeks studying and am part way through a second week. I've eaten, drank and I remembered I'm on half dose paroxetine. I'm going to do a bit more studying and either do some cross stitch or knitting. I was awake at 5 again, managed to doze again until 7 but tired.

[Suzi]

Sounds like you've done loads...

[Paula]

That sounds like a busy agenda, maybe just see how it goes?

[OldMike]

Agreed just see which way the wind blows and take it from there.

[Jaquaia]

I didn't do anymore studying but I did do some cross stitch. Going to spend the rest of the evening watching a boxset now. I have got my train tickets booked and have cancelled the 4th night in the hotel

[Angie]

Sounds a good Idea for tonight hunni

[Suzi]

All sounds brilliant!

[Jaquaia]

What is wrong with me? Why can't I have just one day where my mood is stable? Just 1 full day would be lovely. Instead of being ok this afternoon, one of my better days, and trying so hard not to cry now! I'm fed up of crying.

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Be kind to yourself! Hunni, you're awesome and I love you, but stop! You are cutting down - a drastic cut down of a med. That's going to be hard, it's going to leave you a bit screwed up right now. You really need to be kind to yourself. You're in for a rough ride whilst cutting down and starting the new one...

[OldMike]

Suzi is right changing meds ain't easy just hang on in there Jaq and be kind to yourself (bear) (panda)

[magie06]

How are you getting on?

[Jaquaia]

I'm doing ok so far. Today is no ADs at all as I need 3 clear days before I start the new ones. J has popped round so had lots of hugs which helps.

[OldMike]

Lots of hugs and cuddles can't be bad ;)

[magie06]

Any plans for this evening?
I'm so happy that J had time to call to you. Did you know that being in love can lower your BP?

[S deleted]

Being in a relationship raises my BP but that’s probably due to my poor taste in men lol

[Suzi]

Hope you're doing OK gorgeous? I think your taste in men is definitely better than it used to be!!

[Jaquaia]

I'm getting a little agitated but had to be social as my brother was here. Have got my prescription so have read the leaflet for the vortioxetine. You can tell it's quite a new medication as the information on side effects seems vague. Apparently my mum got questioned when she picked it up as the pharmacist wanted to know who prescribed it as it's apparently a special medication. I didn't know that! I see the nurse prescriber again on the 4th May.

Let's be honest Suzi! My taste in men couldn't have gotten much worse! (giggle) But I genuinely believe I've found my soulmate in J. He makes me feel so loved and cared for, when I'm around him I can completely relax, and I can easily imagine still being with him whem I'm 80. For probably the first time in my life, I am properly, head over heels in love

[Angie]

That post has put such a big smile on my face hunni

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you!!!!!

[Paula]

A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not ‘special’ ;)

[selena]

I'm really happy for you.

A personal really caring for you, and not a manipulator, what can be better than a genuine soulmate?

[Jaquaia]

A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not ‘special’ ;)

(rofl)

[OldMike]

A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not ‘special’ ;)

I'll run with that after all Jaq is a very special person :)

[Jaquaia]

Ok. This is just an idea at the moment. I've ran it past J though I know he will be behind me no matter what I choose to do as he's just that awesome!(inlove)

I'm considering doing my MSc in Mental Health Science through the OU once I've graduated, but then I've also discovered that Lancaster offer a PhD in Mental Health and I am very tempted! I think I would quite enjoy writing a thesis on the benefits of internet based support groups in mental illnesses for example. But at the same time, my head is telling me that I'm running before I can walk and that I'll never be good enough for doctoral level studies, or even Master's level!

[Suzi]

Of course you can do it all, but one step at a time lovely...

[Jaquaia]

It's just an idea I had while I was browsing the OU website the other night.I figured it could give me something to aim for.

[Suzi]

I'd love to do my Masters and a phD too...

[Jaquaia]

Think stopping the ADs is starting to have an effect now. Really on edge and agitated

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear) Can you find something to distract?

[Jaquaia]

I wanted to watch Strictly Ballroom but I don't actually own a copy though discovered Strange Magic on netflix so watching that. Not working much but good music.

[Suzi]

I haven't seen that film in years, but is on my "I need to watch it soon" list...

[Jaquaia]

Me neither. I need to buy it.

[Paula]

Ok. This is just an idea at the moment. I've ran it past J though I know he will be behind me no matter what I choose to do as he's just that awesome!(inlove)

I'm considering doing my MSc in Mental Health Science through the OU once I've graduated, but then I've also discovered that Lancaster offer a PhD in Mental Health and I am very tempted! I think I would quite enjoy writing a thesis on the benefits of internet based support groups in mental illnesses for example. But at the same time, my head is telling me that I'm running before I can walk and that I'll never be good enough for doctoral level studies, or even Master's level!

You are more than good enough to do this and anything else you set your mind to. And that thesis sounds awesome! However, I agree with Suzi. Focus on what you’re doing now and make sure you enjoy it - the rest of it will come and you’re young enough, bright enough to do whatever you choose for next steps :)

[Jaquaia]

Well last night I bought Strictly Ballroom, so that's winging its way to me! Managed to get the last copy music magpie had on ebay for a fiver. Every other seller on ebay and amazon you were looking at £15+!!! Not paying that for an old film!!!

Today has been spent with Scarlett so far. She's such a little character :) she was beating my dad up (giggle), trying to steal my drink when no one was looking and babbling away non stop.

Going to try and do some studying this afternoon. My right wrist and hand is throbbing but hoping that keeping it moving gently will prevent a full blown flare up.

[Suzi]

Wow you sound more upbeat and positive today.

[Jaquaia]

I'm very up and down. Scarlett kept me entertained today though. Not done any studying. Start the new meds tomorrow so I think tonight will be a long, relaxing shower and a film or something

[Angie]

Sounds like a plan for tonight hunni x

[Suzi]

Sounds like a perfect evening.

Sounds also like Scarlett really loves you! :)

[Jaquaia]

I did have her asking for cuddles which was lovely :)

[Suzi]

Aww!
What's on the agenda today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm spending the morning with J, studying this afternoon and also starting the new medication.

[Suzi]

Hope your studying goes well! YAY for J and I hope this med works well for you with no horrible side effects... You taking it at night or in the morning?

[Jaquaia]

I'm taking it in the morning with my breakfast as I take my others then. I'm really hoping it does work as my next option is mood stabilisers.

[Suzi]

Let's see how this one goes love...

[magie06]

One step at a time please.

[S deleted]

Ok I get how you feel BUT, we all have a default setting that we fall back to when we’re struggling and for you it’s turning what anyone says to you as criticism that you don’t do enough to help yourself. Trouble is there is only one person who actually thinks that way and it’s you. Your changing meds and as a result gonna be messed up. Trust me I get but I also know that nothing anyone can say or do to try and make you see things rationally will mean a thing cos what you’re feeling right now is very real to you. I know what you mean about the cliches cos I find it hard to deal with at times too as you know but you also recognise that these things are said to try and keep you grounded and to show that people care about you. Frustrating sometimes for sure but hey it’s better than nobody giving a toss.

[Jaquaia]

Yeah because a doctor frustratedly asking me what I actually do to help myself is me imagining it. Same with the CPN.

Doesn't matter, I'll delete my post and we can forget I said anything

[S deleted]

Nope not going to forget it cos it’s upsetting you. Of course they ask you what you are doing to help yourself and you know why. That’s their job. There is always more we can do, if that wasn’t true there would be no hope of feeling better, but looking at different things to help is not the same as you not doing enough. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working then you have to look at different options. You know meds alone aren’t the answer and I know you feel you need to get a bit of stability to be able to take the next step. You’re not an idiot but you thinking you’re not doing enough is no different to me blaming myself for all that is crap in the world.

[Paula]

I’m with Stella. I didn’t see that post but have seen your reaction to those sort of things in the past so can guess. Hunni, I get asked all the time what I’m doing to help myself - and not just with my MH. The mortification I had to deal with being told that the reason I have IIH is because I’m overweight and the only sensible option is for me to do something about it and lose some weight - the ultimate in ‘what are you doing to yourself’. But I know it’s only coming from a place where they want to help me, and it’s the same with you

[S deleted]

Don’t go quiet on us now. You know I think the world of you and I’m not trying to upset you in anyway. I know how it feels. Like everyone is either patronising you or judging you unfairly. When you’re pretty intelligent and know how it should be but don’t understand why it’s not when you do everything you can. I generally use the theory that no matter how real my thoughts are, if everyone who cares about me is telling me I’m wrong then it’s probably the depression warping my outlook.

[Suzi]

Jaq - I have no idea what is being referred to here, I didn't see your post. I am concerned about you. I guess by Stella's reaction that you aren't in a good place, and that's to be expected with a rapid decrease, cold turkey and then starting a new medication - Can you just let me/us know you are safe?

[Jaquaia]

I'm safe

[Suzi]

Thank you for letting us know hunni... Can you distract tonight?

[magie06]

Just to let you know that I'm glad that you are safe and that I'm thinking of you.

[S deleted]

Ok change of subject but how was your time with J this morning? Is he ok? Did you do anything nice?

[Suzi]

Morning lovely, how are you feeling today? Did you take your first med last night?

[Paula]

Morning sweetie

[OldMike]

Morning Jaq (bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Afternoon.

Taking them in a morning Suzi

[Suzi]

Sorry love.. How are you today sweetheart?

[magie06]

How did you get on with your injection today?

[Paula]

I hate it when you’re quiet, love :(

[Jaquaia]

Not got much to say really

[Suzi]

That suggests that there is a lot more to say....

[Jaquaia]

Not really. Today has been horrendous. Taking it one minute at a time.

[Suzi]

In what way was it so bad lovely? Have you started your new meds? Anything I/we can do?

[Paula]

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

It took 1 and a half hours in the hospital as they're putting my mum on a biologic and need a few tests first. Plus her appointment was running late. Getting in a lift to get to the ground floor was nigh on impossible due to people's sheer ignorance, thankfully, the 5th attempt, there were some lovely people who saw that I needed to get a wheelchair in and got out and took the stairs so we could fit in the lift. Before that I got dragged shopping in Home Bargains, and sofa shopping at DFS. Pretending to be ok was exhausting, and if I'm honest, all I wanted to do was walk across the car park to the river and take a swim. I tried a shower but lots of thoughts about dismantling my razor... I normally top my mums meds up once a few days are empty but didn't trust myself so didn't. I cried off and on ALL day! And all that is on top of non-stop dizziness.

Edit: Oh and was still awake at half 2! Today I saw 3am!

[Suzi]

Wow, that's a difficult day. I'm not surprised you are finding things tough - adding in a meds change too. (bear) Is today more of a rest day?

[Angie]

(bear) hunni, can you rest today and find something that you enjoy doing to do that is relaxing xx

[S deleted]

Some people can be so ignorant. How’s J doin’? Are you seeing him today?

[Jaquaia]

He's just left to go to work. He's spent the last hour and a half just holding me so tight. He always makes me feel so safe and loved and he's probably the only person I feel able to cry in front of. Today isn't a great day but he's made it that bit better.

[magie06]

Have you a lot on this afternoon? Would you be interested in taking a walk (if you have sunshine)?

[Jaquaia]

We have sunshine, but no, not going for a walk. Really dizzy again and have the lovely addition of nausea today. Worried J when I shot off the bed with no warning as I thought I was going to throw up.

[S deleted]

What is it with dizziness lately? Everyone seems to be suffering.

[Jaquaia]

Side effects. I'm fine until about half hour/an hour after I take the vortioxetine.

[S deleted]

You have my sympathy. Today is the first day in almost 2 weeks where I haven’t felt dizzy.

[Suzi]

Are you eating and drinking? Has the nausea subsided a bit? Can you put up with it for a couple of weeks?

[Jaquaia]

I'm picking at things as I haven't got much of an appetite. I've got coke and water. Should have ordered a bottle of ginger pepsi but the nausea is new today (think)

I'll put up with it, I've only ever been unable to cope with duloxetine side effects.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Even laying on my front reading my textbook isn't helping the dizziness. The room only stops spinning when my head is on the pillow...:(

[Angie]

Oh hunni but please speak to someone if you struggle to much xx

[Jaquaia]

My gp won't do anything as he didn't prescribe them. He'll just tell me to wait until I see the nurse prescriber again.

[magie06]

That drives me nuts when the GP won't take any of the responsibility of easing effects of something prescribed by someone else. Thank goodness my GP listens to me and will normally try moving things about.
Would it help if you took the new meds in the evening?

[Paula]

Can you get your dad to go out and get some ginger ale?

[Jaquaia]

My dads been drinking all day while he lays the flooring in the kitchen. I'm struggling with him just talking to me. Pepsi and water is helping and we have ginger biscuits in so should be ok.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart I really struggle that you have so little support when you are going through something as horrible as med changes... I wish I could come up and get you some ginger ale...

[Jaquaia]

I have J and I have you guys. He was awesome this morning.

[Suzi]

Yeah, but your parents should be helping you...

[Jaquaia]

J did ask me to tell my mum I was struggling with the new meds but I can't cope with medical top trumps!

[Jaquaia]

This sucks. Stood up and I don't know what I wanted to do more; land in a heap on the floor or throw up!

[Suzi]

Oh hunni...

I really understand the medical top trumps thing, I have a friend who is always in more pain/more issues than I have!
What about taking them in the evening? Sleep through the worst of the side effects? Can you call the nurse prescriber and talk to them about how bad you are feeling - maybe they can give you some anti sickness or something?

[Jaquaia]

We have ginger in, that helps, and hopefully the side effects will start wearing off soon.

I've bitten the bullet and made an appointment to go see a female doctor. I still haven't had a period since September and that isn't normal for me. 3 months without, yes. But getting on for 8 months is really unusual and has never happened before. I'm finally thinking that it needs looking at.

[Angie]

Hope they do wear off quickly for you sweetie, glad you have made that appointment

[OldMike]

Hope the side effects wear off quickly Jaq, I'll just leave you a big hug to make you feel better (bear)

[Paula]

Well done for making the appointment. When is it?

[Suzi]

I'm really proud of you for making that appointment!

[Jaquaia]

It's the 3rd of May.

I think the tablets are in my system as ended up being sick last night and I've been dizzy since I woke up. Today will be fun!!!

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

(hugs) lovely.... How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now

[Angie]

Huge hugs hunni can relate to so much of that, am not sure what the answer is but your doing all you can right now to help yourself and hopefully have some help now to x But its not easy I know

[S deleted]

Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now

Sounds like we're on the same merry go round.

[Suzi]

Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now
I had a similar conversation with Angie this morning lovely. I also had the same conversation with Marc last night after I injured myself and had to be helped in and have spent most of the day with my leg up....
Sweetheart you aren't a burden, you are a wonderful, intelligent, kind, special, wonderful friend and I am so privileged to know you at all. I know you're struggling, but maybe you can do what Ange does and maybe you can believe that I believe that you are amazing? It's a start?

[Jaquaia]

All I can do is try.

[Suzi]

That's all I will ever ask of you. You are such a lovely person, I just wish you could see you through my eyes...

[Jaquaia]

I don't feel lovely in the slightest. I feel like so many people would be better off without me in their lives. I even told J he would be better off forgetting he ever met me earlier.

Hating theseside effects. Have to be social tomorrow too as it's my dads birthday.

[Suzi]

I know you don't feel it, but I believe it enough for your doubt to be covered too....

[Jaquaia]

I was hot yesterday so have put a dress on today. It feels weird having my legs out. I've warned J that he'll need to wear his sunglasses when he comes in.

On the bright side, only slightly nauseous, still dizzy but the nausea is a lot less.

[magie06]

That's good news. I'm sure you're legs are just fine.

[Paula]

I was hot yesterday so have put a dress on today. It feels weird having my legs out. I've warned J that he'll need to wear his sunglasses when he comes in.

On the bright side, only slightly nauseous, still dizzy but the nausea is a lot less.

Yay for less nausea :)


I don't feel lovely in the slightest. I feel like so many people would be better off without me in their lives. I even told J he would be better off forgetting he ever met me earlier.

Hating theseside effects. Have to be social tomorrow too as it's my dads birthday.

I’m definitely better with you in my life, lovely

[Flo]

That feeling of being 'sick and tired of feeling sick and tired' is one I know well. I'm a dyed in the wool fatalist and pessimist! I also hate my thoughts at times, but obviously others see something in me that I don't, and they love me for some strange reason. I've never met you, or spoken to you. However, it's so crystal clear that you are a very clever, loving and funny girl and a very good friend to a lot of people. You have a bloke that idolises you, like mine does! We seldom see in ourselves what others see. We must be doing something right otherwise we wouldn't have all this love lavished on us eh?(bear)

[Angie]

Totally agree with Flo hunni you are all those things, I get how you feel honestly I do but please try and accept how we see you and how J does xx

[Suzi]

Bet your legs are better to look at than mine! lol How's you love?

[Jaquaia]

I have no choice with J as he slaps me!!! To be fair, it's my own fault for teaching him the Gibbs slap but it's so effective!!! That and he tells me every single day how he feels about me.

I've had so long being told that I'm not enough, they having someone tell me, and show me, that I am is still pretty new to me. And I've had so many so-called friends hurt me that when my mood crashes I start believing that the problem must be me


Bet your legs are better to look at than mine! lol How's you love?

Well J didn't complain ;)

I'm up and down but hugs has really helped today

[Angie]

It will take time hunni its hard to change whats in your head

[Suzi]

Glad you've had a good time with him lovely!

[magie06]

I'm so glad that J had time to call over. I love hearing how much he loves you.

[Jaquaia]

I feel very, very lucky to have him and he has made me believe in soulmates. He's confessed that he knew he loved me the second time he met me (this time round) (inlove)

[Suzi]

I think he's the lucky one!

[Jaquaia]

I've just about reached my breaking point for today, I can't cope with anything else.

[magie06]

Switch off and rest. Read, do some cross stitch or just listen to some music. Love you and really wish I could help more.

[Paula]

Are you still here? Please go and rest ....

[Jaquaia]

I have been resting. Crying a lot but resting too. Or trying to.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Hey hunni, how are you? Did you sleep? To you have a rest day planned?

[Jaquaia]

I slept but not well. I'm disappointed that I woke up, I've cried several times already. Popped down to get some clothes off the washing pile and the parents were bickering so that's sent my anxiety sky high.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry you're having a horrible day. Can you get out of the house to do something nice?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not really feeling up to leaving the house if I'm honest. There are people out there!

[magie06]

Could you sit out in the garden?

[Jaquaia]

Not really. I get irritable when too warm so it would just be pushing it at the moment. Not to mention, my dad is cutting wood out there, the neighbours back way are arseholes and Talia is a knobhead so it's not really peaceful out there. I have my windows open and there's a lovely breeze coming in so it's nice a cool. I have music on and can hear the birds too. It's quite peaceful.

[magie06]

That sounds nice. Enjoy your afternoon.

[Suzi]

Can you do something lovely to distract atm?

[Jaquaia]

I'm online shopping. Which considering I go away in 3/4 weeks, isn't helpful!!! Looking at 2 tshirt dresses and a maxi skirt. This arrived today; http://www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clothing/tops/curves-black-paisley-folk-print-tunic-top/p/572490709?comp=Browse as well as some other tops, but although it suits me and feels lovely on, it feels clingy around my middle and I'm self conscious in it. I commented to J about needing to lose some weight. His reply, and one of the many reasons I love him so much, was pretty much he'll help me with the exercise (giggle) and if I will be happier, but he thinks I'm perfect the way I am :)(inlove)

Debating between cross stitch and knitting. Think knitting may be the safer option.

[S deleted]

What kind of exercise is he suggesting?

There’s a small game of football on shortly. I can understand you not wanting to watch your team lose :P

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea! (angel)

[Jaquaia]

I've massacred my wardrobe. I think I'm getting rid of more then I'm keeping! Still got loads of energy though.

It's possible I may be having a bit of a manic episode...

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

That top is beautiful and totally like something I'd love!

Hope you're resting now lovely x

[Jaquaia]

I've got rid of 2 black bags full of clothes and my wardrobe and drawers are now half empty but starting to feel calmer now. I just needed to get rid of the energy as it was making me agitated. And watched Strictly Ballroom too.

Just bought this
https://www.yoursclothing.co.uk/red-floral-print-t-shirt-dress-with-pockets-elasticated-waistband-p
I did ask my mums opinion and all I got wa a lot of negativity so have shown J and he encouraged me to ignore her and get it anyway.

[S deleted]

What kinda negativity? Nowt wrong with that, it looks good.

[Jaquaia]

Oh no, you need a different colour, it's far too bright. Try it in black...

But I don't want to hide away in black anymore!

Oh and this was a good one... she looked through the clothes I'm getting rid of and held up a vest top.

"Why are you getting rid of this?"
"Because it's a bit big"
"What? Even on you?"

...

[Suzi]

Ouch! That's the kind of comments I grew up with too, so I understand how bad they are...
I'm glad you got that red number, I can see it suiting you really well...

[Flo]

I love the T-shirt dress in red, I think it's really flattering. Bright colours will be nice on you. If you got it..flaunt it!!...I take it mum wasn't nominated for this years Tact Awards!! I'd give anything for bigger boobs. I have a broad back too which doesn't help. I think the almighty put me together with what he'd got left! Never mind, I'll have to make do with what I've got. I don't think anyone's really happy with what they've got. But we're perfect in the eyes of those who love us and that's all that counts.

[Jaquaia]

Ouch! That's the kind of comments I grew up with too, so I understand how bad they are...
I'm glad you got that red number, I can see it suiting you really well...

I was telling J about some of the things I grew up hearing, like if I got rid of my spare tyre then I would look ok, often while she was grabbing it. It really annoyed him. In hindsight, there is no surprise that I'm extremely self conscious about my middle!!!


I love the T-shirt dress in red, I think it's really flattering. Bright colours will be nice on you. If you got it..flaunt it!!...I take it mum wasn't nominated for this years Tact Awards!! I'd give anything for bigger boobs. I have a broad back too which doesn't help. I think the almighty put me together with what he'd got left! Never mind, I'll have to make do with what I've got. I don't think anyone's really happy with what they've got. But we're perfect in the eyes of those who love us and that's all that counts.

Clothes that look demure on the model look really revealing on me!!! I have one vest top which has a beautiful pattern and is a lovely jersey material but I can only wear it if I wear a vest with a higher neckline underneath! Kind of defeats the object of wearing strappy tops in summer really... definitely one I couldn't wear in public...

I have a broad back, I've been big since I was little too, I've never known what it's like to be slim. I've been bullied over my size since I was 5 years old, had strangers shout things at me in the street, grew up with those comments from my mum and then had dickhead saying things like he never touched me because my body put him off. There is no wonder I have so many issues about how I look!

But J makes me feel beautiful and he is always telling me that I am. He tells me that he thinks I'm absolutely perfect the way I am and he loves all of it; that everything makes up me and it is me that he's in love with. He tells me that I just need some extra TLC because I've been treated badly :)

[OldMike]

Looks good Jaq, we love you the way you are. (bear)

[Paula]

Well done J :)

[Jaquaia]

He is pretty awesome (inlove)

[magie06]

Those clothes are lovely. I love bright colours too. Nothing wrong with them. And I love J's comments. He's definitely a keeper.

[Suzi]

J's definitely right.

I understand where you are coming from as I've had similar and other things too...... (bear)(bear)

[selena]

Jaq, he is absolutely right.

By the way, that nice floral dress inspired me too and maybe one day I'll buy one too, as I stopped wearing dresses and nice skirts since quite long time.

[Jaquaia]

J's definitely right.

I understand where you are coming from as I've had similar and other things too...... (bear)(bear)

I don't think I'd realised just how much of a scar they'd left until I met J. He's really good for me.


Those clothes are lovely. I love bright colours too. Nothing wrong with them. And I love J's comments. He's definitely a keeper.

He really is, he doesn't think so but he knows I think he's wrong on that! I'm generally not one for bright colours, I tend to wear more muted colours but red does tend to suit me and the dress did really catch my eye. My main worry was that it would stand out and draw peoples eyes :(


Jaq, he is absolutely right.

By the way, that nice floral dress inspired me too and maybe one day I'll buy one too, as I stopped wearing dresses and nice skirts since quite long time.

I think the trick is finding a style that compliments your body shape. Work out what colours work for you, what cut of clothing highlights your best features and skims over the bits you don't like.

I've been wearing more jeggings and longline tops that come to at least my hips. Shorter tshirts just make me feel self conscious as they ride up. If I wear dresses, then I tend to suit ones that are tighter under my boobs and then drape and I tend to wear a lot of autumnal and fairly natural colours like rust, greens, blues, purples.

Yellows make me look ill, white makes me look really pale and certain cuts of clothing make me look a lot bigger then I am! Bulky clothing can make you look bigger too. You just need to find what works for you :)

[Suzi]

I think it's great! :)

[Jaquaia]

I think I've done too much today, I ache all over! Stripped my bed and washed the bedding, done my mums meds, done a load of washing for my mum while the oldies were at the sisters, done all the ironing, made my bed, put my clothes away and organised my drawers, and grabbed a shower but my hip is now really stiff and my back is aching. At least it's made me stop though, if I wasn't so stiff now I would probably have carried on with stuff.

[Suzi]

Wow, that's a weeks worth of stuff in a day! No wonder you are tired.

[Jaquaia]

I had loads of energy and sitting still was winding me up...

[Suzi]

How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

OMGOMGOMG!!!!! SO EXCITED!!!

I need to sweet talk my beloved in a little while. They've just announced Stereophonics are playing Scarborough in July!!!! And because I've bought tickets for a gig I get early access!!! As in tickets tomorrow!!!! OMG!!!!!

I mean I'm ok so far Suzi, tired as spent a few hours awake, but ok.

[Suzi]

Glad you're OK lovely...

[Jaquaia]

Ok, I'm not as ok as I thought I was....

Got really paranoid over something and my head just escalated it. I have no idea where it even came from!

[Paula]

Something you want to talk about?

[Jaquaia]

Not something I really can here.

[Suzi]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Head is racing a bit today. Feel like i have so much energy again

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear) How was the rest of the day?

[Jaquaia]

It's been strange. Found it hard to sit still once J left but then he's having a bad day so worried about him. Had music on all day, been beaten up by Scarlett, got some uni work done, mainly sung along to 90s indie though! Oh and I have my presale access for Stereohonics (party) so generally feeling ok but weird if that makes sense?

[Suzi]

How's today treating you?

[Jaquaia]

Well...

I HAVE FRONT ROW SEATS FOR STEREOPHONICS!!!!! (party)(party)(party)

I'm ok, thoughts are racing a bit, struggling to sit still but no point starting something as I'm leaving for the hospital soon for my methotrexate injection.

[magie06]

Good luck with your injection. I hope that they are getting easier to bear.

[Jaquaia]

Injections have never been an issue for me. I often watch the needle go in! It's the waiting room I have problems with. The bloods room was very busy so the waiting room was heaving and the corridor the treatment room is down is really busy too. My anxiety levels are so high :(

[magie06]

Try to think of somewhere nice - the beach, a forest mmaybe J's arms.

[Angie]

Oh hun have you got any headphones for your mobile can you maybe listen to music while waiting

[Jaquaia]

My headphones are in my bedroom! I'm home now anyway. Probably a good thing as my thinking is really irrational at the moment though J has been brilliant as always at talking me down.

[Paula]

Tut! Why were your headphones at home?

[Jaquaia]

I don't normally take them out with me. Just to give you an idea of how anxious I was though. I forgot I had a book in my bag...

[Angie]

Oh hunni (bear)

[magie06]

I hope you are resting now. Those appointments can make you very tired.

[Jaquaia]

This is nothing to do with my appointment. This is to do with my state of mind. I'm being completely irrational. I know I'm being completely irrational but I don't know how to stop it.

[Paula]

Irrational? About what?

[Jaquaia]

Today I got given yet more, but different, information about my injections. At Christmas, the consultant told me it would be 4 weeks of going to the hospital and learning how to inject. Last month her registrar told me it's 6 weeks. The nurse in the treatment room told me it would be 6 weeks learning how to do it, then I'd get my first 4 injections from the hospital pharmacy while they got me set up to have them delivered at home. Today, after yet another injection that they give me with no attempt to even talk me through it, I get told that they will give me all 6 and then I have to go in the week after the final one and only then will they teach me. And teaching is only done on a Wednesday afternoon so I have to mess around with my days again, just as I'm starting to get used to the different days of having the injection and taking folic acid these days but not that day. If they are happy with how I do it, they'll sign me off, if not, I have to go back the following week.
And my reaction to that???

I might as well just stop my treatment, everything, not just the DMARDS. I know that those drugs allow me to use my hands with very little discomfort. Less then a year ago, just an hour holding a book would have left me flaring, a couple of hours knitting would have left me unable to use my hand the next day, so I know they work and all I can think of is stopping treatment. And all I've done for the last hour and a half is fight the urge to cry and fail miserably. I'm trying to cross stitch as it's something I need to focus on and all I can think of is stabbing the needle in to my hand or using the scissors and I know it's irrational but I can't stop it

[Paula]

Given the mucking about you’ve had from then, I’d be throwing a paddy too.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni I'm so sorry that they've been so crap. Can you call the registrar for confirmation? Maybe get someone to talk to you about doing them whilst you're there?

[Jaquaia]

I've pretty much reached my limit at the moment. I hate how unstable my moods are and if anyone states the obvious and tells me that it will take time blah blah blah then I may actually scream.

[S deleted]

Is it stating the obvious to tell you you’re awesome and as tough as this is right now you will get through it? I only ask cos it’s obvious to me how amazing you are and I don’t want you to scream at me.

[Jaquaia]

Yeah I'm really not

[S deleted]

You are too me.

[Paula]

You so are!

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous.... I know it's the obvious so I'm not going to say it...... How long have you been on them for?

What do you have planned for tonight/tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

9 days today. Attempting to cross stitch tonight, need to study tomorrow.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

It feels nigh on impossible to keep above water today, my head has been an absolutely vile place to be.

[Suzi]

I wish I could help...

[Jaquaia]

Right at this moment it feels like only one thing that would help and that's not really an option...

[magie06]

Do you want to talk through it? I don't mind if you do.

[Jaquaia]

Don't know what to really say. I have to wake up, I don't want to.

[magie06]

The words don't matter. It's just using words to get the thoughts out of your head. The weather, how many stitches you did in your x-stitch today, how long J held you today. Just talk until that feeling subsides.

[Paula]

Hunni you know the drill, it’s going to take time for the new meds to kick in, you’ve had withdrawal from the old. You are strong and awesome and you will get through this, things will change.

That’s the drill, but I know that’s not going to make you feel better right now. So what I’m actually going to say is that you are one of the strongest women I know and I’m so proud of how hard you fight (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired of fighting now. I'm tired of crying. I just want my head to be quiet now.

[S deleted]

I get it. We’ve all felt the same way at one time or another and there’s no point telling you what you already know. I wish I could take it all away for you, so you didn’t have this pain cos I hate to think about you hurting. You know I’m always here for you no matter what.

[Suzi]

How are you feeling this morning lovely?

[Paula]

Morning, sweetheart

[Jaquaia]

I'm not great. I got myself in trouble last night with J over something I said and he's taken charge a bit today. I've only showered because he told me to, and I have to admit that it's made me feel a little better as my skin doesn't feel like it's crawling. It's weird, but even though I can't see him today, he still manages to make me feel loved and looked after. I just don't think I'm worthy of it.

Just still working on the eating part...

[Suzi]

What happened last night? And you are VERY MUCH worth it.

[Flo]

Oh dear!....did you tell him that you don't think you're worthy of his love and affection?

[Jaquaia]

I called myself a not very nice name which he took exception too. He's told me in no uncertain terms that he is not having me, or anyone else for that matter, speaking so badly about myself.


Oh dear!....did you tell him that you don't think you're worthy of his love and affection?

I did. He simply told me how much I mean to him and I'm just poorly at the moment and in need of some extra TLC. He really is amazing.

[Paula]

Oh hunni, I wish you could see what we all see in you (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm really trying but I'm failing miserably. It's like my head is full of voices whispering about how awful I am and pointing out all my flaws, those thoughts are relentless and I can't quiet them right now.

[S deleted]

So don’t try to shut them up. Treat it as someone else’s opinion. They’re entitled to it but doesn’t make it right.

[Jaquaia]

That never really works for me as I take far too much to heart.

[smelly_steph]

you're like me too.

take way too much to heart