General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

I've given up for tonight. My eyes are still hurting a bit, my hands are stiff and my guts have started.

[Suzi]

(bear) Rest.. Please?

[Jaquaia]

I'm laid in bed watching Not Going Out and texting J, so I am resting.

[Angie]

Good x

[Suzi]

Good. I'm glad.

[Paula]

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

On edge and fighting my own mind! But showered at least

[Paula]

What’s the next baby step then?

[Jaquaia]

Well J has told me off because breakfast was only a slice of bread so I could take my meds, so just had some toast. Going to plod my way through a bit of studying this afternoon I think

[Paula]

Ok, lots of rest periods I hope

[Jaquaia]

I will try and pace. First job is buying tickets to go and see Travis in December though

[Suzi]

How you doing babe?

[Jaquaia]

Ok I suppose. Having an uphill battle to ignore the thoughts in my head. They're really persistent today. Not managed any studying but I've got tickets to see Travis and the seats are the first 2 seats on the balcony on the front row, so if either of us are struggling with anxiety that day we're not going to be hemmed in by people.

[QPRFan]

Great you got the tickets . Remember them in the 90s

[Suzi]

Woohoo! Who are you going with?

[Jaquaia]

Going with J. The album they're touring is one of the first ones either of us owned. He's going to see the Bluetones with me too.

[Suzi]

Awesome!

[Angie]

Brilliant

[Jaquaia]

Settled down watching Not Going Out again. Trying to drown out the thoughts in my head.

[Suzi]

Well done for distracting lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I don't really have another option.

[Suzi]

There are loads of options, but I'm glad you're pacing...

[Jaquaia]

The thoughts are starting to overwhelm me a bit now. I don't need to be bullied, I do a great job of it myself.

[S deleted]

Who’s bullying you?

[Jaquaia]

No one, just saying that I do a good job of it myself.

[S deleted]

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. Maybe you need to take a step back and try and look at some of these thoughts from a different angle.

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Suzi]

Hi gorgeous, how are things?

[Jaquaia]

Woke up with another headache, trying to find the energy to get out of bed and on edge already. So I can see today being another good day.

[Suzi]

Do you know what's causing the headaches? Could it be something to do with your glasses? Are you drinking enough?

[Jaquaia]

Stress I think. The littlest things are irritating me at the moment so I'm constantly tense and clenching my jaw.

[Suzi]

OK what can you do to destress?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I may dig out an oil burner and try the chamomile and lavender oil I bought later.

I've got a good chunk of studying done but my wrists are flaring now.

[Paula]

Did you use the oils?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't yet. Only just come back up after tea. Going to sort it soon as I can feel my mood sliding

[QPRFan]

Take care and relax . You have impeccable taste in music too .

[Angie]

Try the oil burner hun I have a electric wax melt pot dont have candles because of the cats and I love it

[Jaquaia]

I like a bit of everything!

[Suzi]

Hope you're resting lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I've tried it, it's a bit overpowering so blown out the candle for now.

I've settled down with series 3 of Not Going Out. Halfway through week 5 so not feeling as useless.

[Suzi]

Glad you're resting. It's really important.

[Jaquaia]

I feel like all I do is rest.

[Suzi]

You may feel like it, but I'm sure that's not the case...

[Jaquaia]

Maybe not. I just don't feel like I'm any use to anyone.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart (panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

You'd think I'd be used to feeling like this by now.

[Suzi]

I don't think you'll ever get used to it, which is a good thing. This will get better lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I'm not holding much hope, it hasn't really gotten better in 12 years.

[Angie]

(bear)

[QPRFan]

Fingers crossed it does .

[Suzi]

I'm sure it will lovely. It just takes time.

[Jaquaia]

Time? 12 years isn't enough time to see some significant improvement rather than a steady slide down?

[Suzi]

I know, I know, but sweetheart it's taken Marc much longer and it's only the last few months that there have been big developments - It doesn't matter how long it takes love...

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired

[Suzi]

How are you doing this morning lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. It's taken me a while to get going today.

[Paula]

Time? 12 years isn't enough time to see some significant improvement rather than a steady slide down?

Hunni it took over 20 years before I got the right mix of meds, support etc so that I wasn’t crashing every few months/weeks even. But I have now and, even though I’m not well, nor ever expect to be, I am now well enough to cope and to have a life. It’s not the life I dreamt of but I don’t think anyone gets that. It’s a good life and more than I expected. I hope you don’t have to wait as long as I did for stability, enjoy the good things because, with time, those are the things your future is built on

[S deleted]

hunni it took over 20 years before i got the right mix of meds, support etc so that i wasn’t crashing every few months/weeks even. But i have now and, even though i’m not well, nor ever expect to be, i am now well enough to cope and to have a life. It’s not the life i dreamt of but i don’t think anyone gets that. It’s a good life and more than i expected. I hope you don’t have to wait as long as i did for stability, enjoy the good things because, with time, those are the things your future is built on

#epic post!!!

[Suzi]

Completely agree!

[Angie]

Another that agrees

[Jaquaia]

Ok I get it.

[Suzi]

How has the rest of your day gone?

[Jaquaia]

It was ok

[Paula]

And today? You’ve gone very quiet, love

[Jaquaia]

Today is much the same. Struggling to get going.

[Paula]

Have you done the basics?

[Jaquaia]

With some orders from J, just about.

[Suzi]

Do you know why you're so down atm?

[Jaquaia]

Not a clue

[Suzi]

Oh hunni... Anything to do with cycles?

[Jaquaia]

No, not had a proper period since September, just a bit of spotting. Everything just feels like an I'm scaling a mountain at the moment.

[Suzi]

Are you eating and drinking OK? What about sleeping? What about exercise? What about getting out of the house doing something that doesn't involve medical stuff?
Sorry, loads of questions.

[Jaquaia]

Sort of, not really, some but so exhausted and not just physically, not often but try and go with my mum to get my dad so I'm getting some fresh air at least.

[Suzi]

OK Well there are things there which are going to help which you know, so I'm not going to preach... But I do wish I could help... Are you able to be kind to yourself lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm physically not hungry but am eating so I can take my meds. I'm slowly getting into the habit of sipping water throughout the day and always have a glass of orange juice first thing and a drink with tea, so doing the best I can with eating and drinking at the moment.
I'm in bed by midnight every night, often earlier, yet rarely fall asleep before 1am and am always awake around half 4, 6 and 7. I try and switch my big light off by 9 and turn my tv off by 10, my window is open so my room is nice and cool, I've been using the essential oils and the blue light is permanently off on my phone. I'm doing what I can physically manage with exercise but I'm mentally exhausted and my body feels like lead. I hate going out as I don't like the area I live in. It feels too busy and noisy, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder so my anxiety goes through the roof. And I can't really be kind to myself tonight as I have a 900 words assignment due Thursday lunch.

[Suzi]

You sound so sad lovely....

[Jaquaia]

I cried on the phone to J sunday night, cried myself to sleep last night, and have already had a rant to my mum about a photograph today. I am so tired of finding every single day a battle.

[Paula]

(panda) sweetheart is there any way you could get out some more and find some way of getting local friends?

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea. The times I have gone out, my mums started with the "what if I need you" lines so I've given up. I find it very difficult going in to a group of people unless I know them. I still find it hard walking into the hotel bar in Manchester and I've known most of them 15 years. The only time my sister bothers with me is to send me pics of my niece, she's happy with her little family and loads of friends, and my brother never bothers with me unless I text him first, besides, he's got a new gf. I tried to make an effort to build bridges with my old friends and wasn't even worth a response. They assumed the worst of me, despite knowing me for a decade. They never once thought there might be something more to me withdrawing.

Is there any wonder I think people will be better off without me?

[Suzi]

Maybe it's time to do something different? Do you walk Talia? What about trying something like meetup or spice?

As for your Mum - what did she do before you moved back in? I know that one as my little sister has exactly the same with my Mum...

[Jaquaia]

I walk Talia when I can. Like I said, where I live sends my anxiety through the roof and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder when I'm out. No idea what meetup or spice are. Never heard of them. Different? Like what? Going places on my own places me on the edge of panic. I get very paranoid and very agitated and anxious and I spend the next few days exhausted. So it's trying to find a balance between loneliness or being terrified. At the moment, loneliness is the lesser of 2 evils.

My mum says she's trying to have a joke with me and I'm being oversensitive.

[Suzi]

Meetup - https://www.meetup.com/
Spice - http://www.spiceuk.com/home?handshaked=true#.WqjSj2hl_rc

They are both ways of meeting up with people who have similar interests etc.

Have you spoken to your GP about the anxiety and panic you have about going out?

[Jaquaia]

Spice seems to be more York/Leeds/Sheffield way. There isn't a lot on meetup but I'll have a look at what there is.

J has just left. I have strict orders to take it easy with studying. And to make sure I drink. He also made sure I've eaten. He's encouraged me to email my tutor and let him know how much I'm struggling at the moment too. My tutor has been awesome and given me an extension until Monday.

I'm not used to being looked after. I'm not used to being held while I cry or having my feelings put first. I'm not used to having my fears listened to and being reassured freely and with no resentment. I'm not used to childish behaviour purely because it makes me laugh so hard my ribs hurt, purely because he wants to see me laugh and smile. Is this what it's meant to be like?

[Suzi]

What about something like a book club?
Glad you've contacted your tutor. You know that this isn't something that they won't have come across before.

Yes, that's exactly what it's meant to be like.

[Jaquaia]

I've seen one book club on there so will look. I know, still didn't stop the panic though.

So, so tired now.

[Paula]

Yes, yes, yes that’s what it’s like!

[Suzi]

Tired is expected after a day of emotion and stress.

[Jaquaia]

Am I just being a tit? Booking a hotel for my mates wedding felt far more stressful then it needed to be

[Paula]

No, those things that should be straight forward are usually the things that trip me up too

[Suzi]

Oh dear God no, things like that are manically difficult for me too..

[Jaquaia]

Well it's booked and happens to be opposite the train station! Will book train tickets when I get paid on friday, then just need to purchase my dress!

[Suzi]

Awesome! Well done love!

[Jaquaia]

I think it's the only thing I've actually achieved today

[Suzi]

Well it's an awesome thing to have achieved! I've cleaned a windowsill and found my dining room table!

[Angie]

Well done :)

[Suzi]

How are you this morning? What's on the agenda for today?

[Jaquaia]

I need to study today and will have the Morrisons shop to sort out

[Paula]

Can you ask the delivery driver to help if you’re on your own? Mine happily take the boxes upstairs into the kitchen. It might make things a little easier ...

[Jaquaia]

I can handle the shopping usually and next week my dad can do it. Just tired, have a tension headache again, have cried once so far and I may have got a little overwhelmed last night :(

[Paula]

What happened?

[Jaquaia]

Nothing happened. My mood dive bombed and I was struggling to deal with it. I ended up drawing blood

[S deleted]

And you didn’t contact me or anyone else because....

[Jaquaia]

Erm....

Because it was late, I didn't want to bother anyone and everyone has their own problems...

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart (panda) Is it clean and dressed?

[Angie]

(bear) sweetheart huge huge hugs xx

[Jaquaia]

It's clean but doesn't need dressing as it's not deep. Was just deep enough to bleed.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

How you doing this evening?

[Jaquaia]

Not great. I'm on edge and agitated.

[Suzi]

What are you doing to distract?

[Jaquaia]

I'm laid in bed watching Not Going Out. J has just talked me through a meltdown so trying to do the sensible thing and relax

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart.. Is it worth trying to see your GP tomorrow and telling them how bad things are?

[Paula]

Hope you get a decent nights sleep (bear)

[Jaquaia]

There's nothing he'll do at the moment, not until I've seen the nurse prescriber. I'll survive. It just feels like an impossible task at the moment.

[Suzi]

How long until you see them? Sorry, I can't keep track of my own appointments atm....

[Jaquaia]

10th April

[Suzi]

Worth calling to see if they can add you to a cancellation list or something?

[Jaquaia]

I'm lucky to be getting seen so soon.

[Suzi]

I know, but call and see on the off chance?

[Jaquaia]

I ended up falling back to sleep and had a pretty horrible dream. My teeth shattered and my mouth was pouring with blood but no one would help me. The bleeding wouldn't stop. I was almost choking on my own blood and people just stood around me watching.

I have no idea what it means but it's set me on edge.

[Paula]

Oh sweetie that’s horrible (bear)

[S deleted]

Dreams about teeth falling out is supposedly a sign of anxiety.

[Suzi]

Ouch, that's a horrible nightmare to have had. So sorry lovely.

[Jaquaia]

It's been on my mind a lot of the day. I've never had a bad dream I've remembered before.

[Angie]

(bear)hunni can you find something to distract you from the thoughts about it ?

[Jaquaia]

I've been re-reading my textbook and highlighting bits. It's still there at the back of my mind though.

[Angie]

Its not always easy to distract I know xx

[Jaquaia]

It's not, but I am trying.

[Angie]

All you can do is try sweetie which is somthing you always are doing xx

[Flo]

Dreams are sometimes linked with what you've seen on tv or something you've read, or maybe either what you've heard or someone telling you recently. Have a think, you might just come up with why. I have had a few dreams - nightmares - about my teeth falling out and my mouth being full of broken teeth, like having a mouthful of pebbles! Silly this may seem but the old advice of don't eat cheese before you go to bed, isn't as ridiculous as it sounds. Apparently because of it's high density and fat content it's hard to digest, and there's so much going on with the brain that everything becomes distorted...including dreams.

[Jaquaia]

I very rarely eat cheese as I'm not actually keen on it. And don't watch much tv at all.

[Flo]

I very rarely eat cheese as I'm not actually keen on it. And don't watch much tv at all.

Well that rules that out then!(doh)

[Angie]

Caffeine or chocolate are others they say not to have before bed

[Jaquaia]

I don't drink coffee, had 1 cup of tea in the last 9 months or so and that was in the morning, and haven't been eating much chocolate.

[Paula]

Maybe it’s best to try not to overthink it and put it to the back of your mind?

[Suzi]

Can you try meditation or mindfulness?

[Jaquaia]

I'm watching tv and taken my anxiety meds so slightly calmer

[Suzi]

Calmer is good.

[Angie]

Glad your a bit calmer hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I think because my anxiety has been so high, the affect my anxiety meds have had is more noticeable. It's definitely helped settling down to watch tv on my own.

[Suzi]

That's really positive. How are you this morning?

[Paula]

How often are you taking your anxiety meds? What are they and are they regular or prn?

[Jaquaia]

Slightly better this morning, though it's taken me a couple of hours to get out of bed and my dad is now officially retired so double the people to deal with! :(

Paula, it's just propanolol, 40mg 3 times a day. The physical symptoms were affecting me the most yesterday so they made a huge difference. My gp won't give me any diazepam for when it's really bad, even though 40 2mg tablets lasted me 2 and a half years.

[Suzi]

I'm just glad that it helped lovely.

[Jaquaia]

Music is helping a lot today too

[Suzi]

I've got our complete music collection on "shuffle" so it's really random.. "Pie Jesu" followed by "Smack my b*tch up" (rofl)

[Flo]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. I take prop. too. Dr's close ranks when it comes to Diazepam. I don't abuse them either. My last strip lasted me 2 years as well. I can't afford to get addicted to them, but the odd 2mg can save an entire day of misery sometimes.

[Jaquaia]

Diazepam would have made the last couple of days so much easier for me.

[Suzi]

Why won't they give you a couple just in case you need them?

[Jaquaia]

I think it's the whole addictive thing, even though I told him how rarely I use them.

[Suzi]

Maybe you need to explain to him how bad you can be and that when it's out of hours it's incredibly difficult to sort...

[Jaquaia]

I'm fed up of explaining how bad it can be.

[Flo]

If you only knew the amount of times I wished I could plant my head on a doctors neck and say "Well put up with that for a week!" I doubt they'd put up with it for long. To be fair though, although the docs here aren't too bad Gorgeous Graham in Scotland was quite understanding. Possibly because he was so ill at one point. Is you BF with you at the weekend? He sounds very empathetic and kind.

[Suzi]

Maybe you need to tell him more often? Or get J to come to an appointment with you - he's seen how bad you feel at times....

[Jaquaia]

He's working this weekend. He's usually with the family on a weekend. He is awesome, but struggling himself today. He's so empathetic because he understands sadly.


Maybe you need to tell him more often? Or get J to come to an appointment with you - he's seen how bad you feel at times....

He would try if I asked him to but he's struggling enough with his own mental health.

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear) to you both!

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to weigh up going to this wedding at the moment. I realised last night that my appointment with the nurse prescriber is the same day. My appointment is half 9 and could take up to an hour. I wouldn't get to the station much before 11. The train won't get to Crewe until half 2, then I would need to check in, get changed, race to get to the town hall and it would just be hugely stressful. I could rearrange my appointment but I know how lucky I am to have got one so soon. I've talked it through with J and he thinks with how ill I've been over the past week or so, I really need this appointment and that my friend would understand.

[Flo]

I feel for you both. But ironically, at least you both have a full understanding of each others struggles....sadly, as you say. He sounds very sweet.

[Jaquaia]

I feel for you both. But ironically, at least you both have a full understanding of each others struggles....sadly, as you say. He sounds very sweet.

He is one of the sweetest men I've ever had the good fortune to meet :)

[Paula]

I tend to agree that the appointment is vital. The real question is, whether you want to go to the wedding ...

[Suzi]

I'm with the others. The appointment has to come first I think. But you could call and see if there was a cancellation beforehand or something? But it depends do you want to go to the wedding or are you going because you think you should?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? I'm terrified of going on my own and knowing no one other then the bride and groom is affecting my anxiety. And then I've only met the bride once! I want to go because he's one of my oldest friends but knowing how I've been lately worries me.

[Suzi]

I don't think I'd find that situation very easy either, and I don't have the same anxiety issues you do. If he's one of your oldest friends then he'll understand...

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to.build up the courage to talk to him

[Paula]

(panda)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

He's an old friend lovely, I'm sure it'll be OK.

[Jaquaia]

I know you're right. Focusing on my assignment for now. It's slow going but I'm getting there

[Angie]

Getting there is good hun and slow going is fine

[Suzi]

Taking any time for you?

[Jaquaia]

I can't. I need to finish this essay but I stopped for tea and I'm going to grab a shower before I carry on

[Suzi]

OK love, but don't push yourself too hard.

[Jaquaia]

I don't have a choice, my deadline is tomorrow.

[Suzi]

You can do it. I have every faith in you.

[Jaquaia]

191 words to go and I've been doing my referencing as I go along! Kill me now!

[Suzi]

Did you finish?

[Flo]

I bet she has...she's not a quitter!

[Jaquaia]

I finally submitted it at 1am. Tired now and my hands are flaring.

[Paula]

Be very proud, love, that’s a massive achievement! Now rest

[Jaquaia]

I was awake at half 6, managed to doze off again about half 7/8 but woke up with a headache and feeling pretty low now.

[Angie]

Agree with Paula please rest now hunni

[Jaquaia]

I'm out with the parents at the moment, I needed dog food and I've got a check to put in the bank.

[Suzi]

Can you do something to reward yourself for getting it done?

[Paula]

We all know that moods drops when we’re tired. So please do yourself a favour and rest today

[Jaquaia]

Urgh! You can tell I'm tired! I spelt cheque like an american! ^)

J is popping round after work so he'll make me rest.

[Paula]

Can’t you make yourself before that?

[Jaquaia]

I could but my dad will rope me into helping him put the freezer shop away and the dog food is frozen so I need to get that put away too. I suppose I need to eat too

[Jaquaia]

I've got my feedback already!!! 90%!!! (party)

[Angie]

Yay well done hunni xx

[magie06]

That's wonderful. Well done.

[Paula]

Never doubted you for a second! :)

[Suzi]

Congratulations lovely! That's awesome!

[Jaquaia]

I made a few silly mistakes on the self reflection and the forum posting but got some awesome feedback on my essay and scored 84 for that alone, so I'm trying to focus on that and not on my mistakes.

[Suzi]

Learn from your mistakes, but focus on the positives lovely.

[Jaquaia]

J said the same.

Tonight is me, some candles and a movie! There's something so soothing about candle light.

[Suzi]

There really is.

[Jaquaia]

Not getting very far with anything today. I didn't fall asleep until about half 12 amd I was so wide awake by 4am that I was on the phone to J as he drove to work at half 4! Didn't fall back to sleep until half 7 either.

[Suzi]

Maybe a self care day is needed?

[Jaquaia]

Was going to start some knitting but my hands are stiff. Trying to weigh up if knitting will help loosen them and help maintain their movement, or if it will just set off a flare up.

[magie06]

Could you give the knitting a try and put it down if your hands get stiff?

[Jaquaia]

I'm pottering for now and see if the stiffness goes. The problem I have is it's the next day I suffer if I'm going to flare.

[magie06]

I see. At the moment, my elbow is flairing when I knit. But I'm a bit stubborn and I just keep going.

[Suzi]

How did the rest of the day go love?

[Jaquaia]

I've done nothing but hide in my room. Mood is divebombing but have no energy to do anything at the moment. And I feel stupid that an email from a friend can bring me to the point of tears. He always manages to make me feel like I'm not enough. He doesn't understand mental illness, never really has and I know it's probably me reading more into what he said, but I'm fed up of being made to feel like I just don't try hard enough, like how I feel about things is irrational and stupid. I'm fed up of it always being hinted at that I'm rude and ignorant, despite telling him that my memory isn't great so I sometimes forget to reply. And I'm fed up of being so weak and pathetic that I can't permanently cut ties because I have so few friends who actually bother with me, that even one that makes me feel like that is better than no one.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

[Suzi]

Can we see the email and help you with an instructional response - from me it might just be a swift "F off you ignorant twat!" You certainly don't need "friends" like that...

[Paula]

Oh please let me at him! How dare he :@:@:@

[Jaquaia]

We'd been talking about exercising and I said about needing to find space for my exercise bike. He made a remark about wearing lycra and I commented not with my arse. I said it would make me feel self-conscious and his response was that I'd be on my own so why would I feel self conscious? It just made me feel really irrational. Just like the other day, I said my head hasn't been in a good place and his response was he would have thought I'd be the happiest I've ever been with me studying again and having J. It made me feel like I had no right to be struggling as much as I have been.

I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or not.

[Paula]

We all know this illness doesn’t discriminate. How ill you are has very little to do with current circumstances - he obviously knows nothing about depression and it sounds like he doesn’t want to know but, as your friend, the least he can do is trust you when you say you’re struggling and just be someone you can lean on.

[Jaquaia]

I just feel like I have to explain myself constantly. He makes me feel cornered and overly dramatic.

[Suzi]

Definitely not over reacting! How dare he? PLEASE let us educate him...

[Jaquaia]

Well if you are home alone spinning there is nothingto be self conscious about. Blimey, if you saw how little I am wearing to go to the gym tonight. I don't really worry about it. I hope you get on well with the bike, it is really good for you.(swear)


Why is your head not in a great place? Apart from the pain which I am sure doesn't help, I would have thought you would be the happiest I have known you. With the new man who is good for you and getting back into education I would expect things to be great.

I just feel talked down to when he replies like that ^^^ like I'm making nothing into an issue

[Paula]

‘Apart from the pain’???

No, love, you’re not making nothing an issue, not in the slightest

[Jaquaia]

Even when I mention struggle with my work "well if you actually care about my advice..."

[Suzi]

I'm sorry for speaking out of place, but he's being such a w*nker.

[Paula]

^^^wss

[Jaquaia]

Suzi, that did make me giggle. I was thinking pompous arse but your way works better! (giggle)

[Suzi]

At least I've made you smile.. So, can we help to educate him?

[Jaquaia]

Oh I've tried before and got the 'get a job, help yourself' speech from him. He'll need me before I need him. Besides, I have you guys and I have J who is absolutely brilliant, especially when I'm poorly.

[Paula]

Couldn’t have said it better. You don’t need someone in your life who speaks to you like that

[magie06]

That sounds positive. It sounds like it's been a good (ish) day?

[Jaquaia]

I struggled to get up, have had very little energy or motivation, but I did get to spend a couple of hours cuddled up with J :)

[Suzi]

Struggling is one thing, but you pushed through and did it. You rock!

[Jaquaia]

Hospital with the mother tomorrow and want to do some studying. Should be fun

[Suzi]

Can you take some time out to do something fun?

[Jaquaia]

I can try. It just seems like hard work. I've ordered a new diamond pic but it will take a while to arrive. I have rheumatology next week and my 18 month review on wednesday and that's after another appointment for my mum

[Suzi]

Can you go out to the library? A walk? Out for a coffee?

[Jaquaia]

I've finished watching National Treasure with Robbie Coltrane and Julie Walters. It's excellent but could be very triggering for some people. J recommended it and then spent the rest of the day worrying in case it triggered me!

[Suzi]

I've seen that! I agree, really brilliantly done - but could trigger..

How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

Tired, headachey, on edge. Will be going to the hospital with the mother in a bit. Just going to take a book and sit in reception.

[Paula]

*hugs* for having to do another hospital run. I really wish I had something to say that would be of more help to you right now. But I don’t so will just leave this (bear)

[Jaquaia]

Ended up sat in the reception for a good hour but got through a good chunk of my book. Only thing is I didn't realise it would take so long so I've skipped lunch and not had a drink so feeling sick and headachey

[Paula]

Have you remedied that now?

[Jaquaia]

I've picked at a few things, have a drink and have taken some paracetamol. My dads starting tea so was no point getting something proper.

[Suzi]

Have you eaten yet?

[Jaquaia]

About half an hour ago. Just feeling a bit bleh tonight. Not helped by being on edge and clenching my jaw, which is contributing to my headache!

[Angie]

Can you find something that will help to distract you and also help you to relax?

[Suzi]

(hugs) Sweetheart is there anything you could do which would be calming and for you?

[Jaquaia]

I forgot to charge my tablet so going to read

[Angie]

I read to relax well try to specially when going to bed at night x

[Suzi]

Reading is calming...

[Jaquaia]

I know that one. I'm often still awake well after 1am

[Jaquaia]

Not firing on all cylinders at all today! In fact, I'd describe my mood as giddy! Hopefully be able to sleep tonight.

[Suzi]

Hope you do get some sleep tonight gorgeous.

[Jaquaia]

I should sleep! Had a nice, relaxing afternoon with J at least so I have rested. Have given up on studying and will just read instead. Ordered myself another diamond painting so can't wait for that to arrive

[Paula]

Glad you got some quality time with J :)

[Jaquaia]

It's probably the only time I really relax

[Suzi]

Hope you sleep well tonight lovely x

[Jaquaia]

It would be nice! Annoyingly, I am still wide awake. Watched the first 2 episodes of No Angels on all4. My mum kept coming up and disturbing me so not as relaxed as I might have been.

[Suzi]

What did she want?

Hope you did get some sleep lovely.

[Paula]

Morning, lovely, how are you?