General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

So J has dragged out of me everything that is bothering me! That man can read me like a book! But he always holds me as he gets me to let things out and I feel so safe and protected so I feel able to talk itms?

Got to be social now as my brother is coming for tea. Is reading but being in the same room acceptable?

[Suzi]

So glad you've got everything out love.

Hope that the social stuff wasn't too bad x

[Jaquaia]

I sat and read a book but I wasin the same room so that counts as social right?

[Angie]

It does to me

[Suzi]

It's definitely a good starting point... ;)

[Jaquaia]

Popped to Home Bargains, which I can normally cope with as I'm one of those straight in-straight out kind of shoppers. I only take my time and browse in book shops! But then my mum decided she wanted to come in with me and that's sent my stress levels through the roof!

[Suzi]

Marc and I have a good system. If he's in a "can handle" then we'll browse a bit, but if I'm stopping and looking and his anxiety gets worse he goes off to wander round a bit.
If he can't then he just says it's in and out only.

[Jaquaia]

My system is generally don't take my mother!!!

[Suzi]

(rofl) That also works lol

[Jaquaia]

My arm is sore again, as for some reason I can't even logic out, I've pulled the scab off. On the plus side, it's not itching anymore!

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart, are you sure it's not infected?

[Jaquaia]

Pretty sure. At the doctors on wednesday though.

[Angie]

Please have them look while your there sweetie xx
I refused a lot of years ago to go shopping with my mother, she starts at one shop goes on to the next and the next and the next buying nothing you get the picture then goes back to the first shop and buys the first thing she saw drives me crackers, but then I hate shopping

[Jaquaia]

I will. Will show him the photos too.

My mood is low again tonight. So fed up of everything and of fighting. So tonight, I'm going to put away the studying, get in my pjs, watch another episode of Britannia and read

[Angie]

Awww hunni (bear) but pj's and a film sounds a good idea

[Suzi]

Absolutely stop and do something for you lovely.

[Jaquaia]

Watched an episode of Brittania, it really is brutal! And now got music on while I read.

[Suzi]

Haven't seen it... Rest and relax lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I haven't done any work yet today, I've just sat and read all day so far. The parents are at my sisters and I feel more at ease knowing I'm home alone then I have in ages.

[Suzi]

I can understand that... (panda) Maybe today should be a rest day?

[OldMike]

Reading's good it takes your mind off things and you can't be working every day :)

[Angie]

I'm always reading

[Jaquaia]

I've struggled reading lately but sticking with it. A bit more on edge now the parents are back

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Hope you're doing OK lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding. It feels like all I can do sometimes.

[Angie]

Ploddings ok hunni if that is getting you through xx

[Jaquaia]

My arm is really, really itchy!!!

[Angie]

Try to resist hunni

[Suzi]

Are you sure it's OK and doesn't need to be seen?

[Jaquaia]

I'm sure. I think it's just because it's healing, but I've showered and it's eased it

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)(panda)

[Paula]

How are you doing today, love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm doing ok, irritable and a little on edge, but ok. Had surprise bloods taken as I complained to the nurse who was doing my mums about the one I'll be seeing tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Does that mean you won't need them done tomorrow?
Are you keeping a record still of how you are feeling?

What things have you got planned this week?

[Jaquaia]

Yes which means I don't have to get up early! Yay! Although have had to go back as the nurse rang my mum in a panic that she's got our bloods mixed up so had to have them taken again!

I need to start it again. If I'm honest, I'm still feeling pretty disheartened about my assessment.

Plans this week are rheumy with my mum tomorrow afternoon, doctors wednesday for me, studying, seeing J when I can, reading, watching Britannia, maybe some drawing and potentially some housework!

[Suzi]

Oh no! Glad you get the lay in tomorrow though.
Your week doesn't have anything fun built in......

[Jaquaia]

Reading, Britannia and drawing is fun to me!

[Suzi]

Fair enough - I love reading too! Currently reading "undercover princess" which Hazel got for her birthday and she handed it to me on Saturday with "you've just GOT to read this. I read it in 3 days!" It's actually pretty good lol

[Jaquaia]

I had a book when I was little about a unicorn that was bullied for being different. She was pink and all the other unicorns were white. I loved it! I was thinking about it the other week as me and J were talking about his little girl who loves unicorns bit I couldn't remember what it was called and it was starting to bug me! Well...finally remembered!!! It's called 'The Special Unicorn' and copies are going on amazon for between £44 and £245!!!!! And I think my mother gave my copy away!!!!

[Suzi]

WOW! That's a lot!! Was it an awesome story?

[Angie]

Opps about the bloods but least the nurse rang to make sure she got it all correct hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I've read much better but I loved the message that it was ok to be different. And y'know....unicorns!!!!

[Suzi]

Well obviously! (Hazel IS a unicorn, she told me so)

[Jaquaia]

I should feel bad but I don't. The consultant said to my mum about her stopping smoking on her own wouldn't do much good as she'd still be breathing it all in. So I commented that it could be why I've had to start a second medication, because breathing in all their second hand smoke is affecting how well the methotrexate works. Normally I hate saying anything that could make someone feel guilty, but not this time. Quite frankly, I'm (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off that her choices affect me. I don't smoke, I don't choose to smoke, have never even tried smoking, yet I've had to breathe in their second hand smoke for most of my life. It's irritating my throat and it can't be doing my joints any good either. I do whatever I can to help myself, I take my medication, I take anti-inflammatories when my joints are painful, I keep my hands moving to help relieve the stiffness, yet still I'm on on 2 medications, probably for the rest of my life. Yet my mum does nothing to help improve how effective her treatment is at all. She's doing none of the exercises the physio or OT has given her, no matter how much she lies about it. She isn't using the aids she's been given, only for appointments, and she continues to chain smoke. Just argh! :@

Rant over

[Paula]

Well done you!

[Suzi]

I'm glad you've got that out! I know you struggle with it and quite frankly even as an ex smoker it makes me furious how much this affects you.

[Jaquaia]

She just constantly comes out with the excuse "well your dad smokes so tell him"

My dad isn't home all day!!! She never seems to take any responsibility for herself at all.

[Suzi]

(bear) I know how that one feels trying to deal with my own mother.

[Jaquaia]

Doctors in the morning, and as well as discussing how much help the secondary mental health team was, I need to remember to ask about my biopsy results as I haven't received them yet.

[Suzi]

What time in the morning? Are you going alone?

[Jaquaia]

9.10. I always go alone. I wouldn't be as open with my mum in with me and J is at work

[Suzi]

Be with you in spirit love...

[Paula]

(bear)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'll be ok. My gp is lovely. The secondary team may have written to him about my meds. If not I can always speak to him about starting mirtazapine alongside the paroxetine, or even maybe trying fluvoxamine or even vortioxetine. There's 2 I haven't tried.

[Suzi]

There's 2 I know nothing about too ;)

[Jaquaia]

Google (giggle)

Vortioxetine was only licensed a few years ago so it's fairly new, but apparently it can work well for people who haven't responded to other drugs.

[Suzi]

I love Google ;) I say hit him with a list and tell him that 2ndry services aren't able to help so he's going to have to. Maybe he'd like a google list of all anti depressants regularly used in the UK - of which there are 21 I believe, not just the 8......... ;)

[Paula]

Google (giggle)

Vortioxetine was only licensed a few years ago so it's fairly new, but apparently it can work well for people who haven't responded to other drugs.

Oh well done, love, smother him in research :)

[Jaquaia]

And I've never tried a tricyclic either.

[Suzi]

So... How'd it go?

[Jaquaia]

Giving up for today. Git up early and showered and got ready, only to get a phone call asking if we could put it back to 20 past 10 as the doctor was struggling to get out of the village he lived in due to the snow. So feel like I've been up hours!

My biopsy results aren't back yet and when my gp checked, he hasn't even got a record of it being done! He's getting the secretaries to chase it up. He's also had nothing back from the secondary team so is unwilling to touch my meds. Apparently methotrexate has a lot of contraindications, and tricyclics generally aren't given because of the increased side effects, although just discovered a tricyclic is out of the question because of the hydroxychloroquine. He's unwilling to try me with mirtazapine alongside the paroxetine without a psychiatrists say so as "it's not recommended to be on 2 antidepressants" and he's never even heard of vortioxetine. So we've agreed to hold on until he's heard back from the secondary team and look at it again.

[Suzi]

Oh that's really sh*t. I'm sorry love.

[Paula]

Oh ffs, most of the people I know are on 2 ADs :@

[Jaquaia]

Oooh! The doctor rang me back! They've found my biopsy results! It's showed some inflammation but no cancer cells or anything to worry about :)

[Suzi]

Hooray!!! Well done Cervix! :)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

Oh and he looked at my arm and said it isn't infected but it's healing slowly because of the methotrexate.

[Paula]

Double good news today then!! :)

[Suzi]

Glad it's not infected lovely and am super proud of you for showing him!

[Angie]

There are lots of people on two anti depressants, am glad your arm is healing ok hunni and am glad about the biopsy results, hope that your resting now and being kind to yourself

[Jaquaia]

I am. Tomorrow is studying but not with it enough today, only had about 5 hours sleep.

[Angie]

Hope you sleep better tonight xx

[Suzi]

Can you try to relax and meditate or similar before bed and try to get a good nights sleep tonight?

[Jaquaia]

I'm reading, but my hands are starting to flare up

[Paula]

Have you got anything you can take as a top up med?

[Suzi]

(bear) Flares suck.... Try to rest a bit more?

[Jaquaia]

I have some ibuprofen which I'll take before bed. Just having a cup of chocolate ovaltine, will let the dog out, then I'm going to bed!

[Suzi]

(bear) Sweet dreams lovely lady x

[Paula]

How’s your hands?

[OldMike]

I have some ibuprofen which I'll take before bed. Just having a cup of chocolate ovaltine, will let the dog out, then I'm going to bed!

Not had Ovaltine for years, my pre-bed drink is hot chocolate these days.

Silly me I just noticed it was Chocolate Ovaltine so the best of both worlds :)

[Jaquaia]

How’s your hands?

A lot better thanks so the ibuprofen did the job.

The plan today is studying! My next assignment is due in 2 weeks.

[Paula]

Good :)

[Jarre]

thats one weight off your shoulders hun, do something nice for you today

[Angie]

Glad that the ibuprofen helped hunni, try and pace with the studying x

[Suzi]

How's your day been love?

[Jaquaia]

I've gotten engrossed in a book so studying hasn't happened! And spoken to J on the phone which was lovely :)

[Suzi]

What's the book?

[Paula]

Getting engrossed in a book is always good ;)

[Jaquaia]

A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas. It's the second book in a series about the fae courts.

[Suzi]

OO that sounds interesting...

[Jaquaia]

Slight panic. I'm going to a wedding in a little over 5 weeks. By myself. And I only know the bride and groom. And it's in Crewe...

[Paula]

Eeek! Do you have your outfit sorted? Is there any remote possibility J can go with you?

[Jaquaia]

I very much doubt it! Only got asked last night and he's one of my oldest and closest friends so I want to go. It's just Crewe on my own when I won't know anyone!

Seen a dress I really like and was thinking that, black tights, black jacket and ankle boots.
http://www.asos.com/prd/8835610

[Niffler]

That’s really pretty :) is there anyone you can take at all to make you feel a little more comfortable?

[Paula]

That’s gorgeous!

[Jaquaia]

No one at all :(

[Niffler]

Ok, well you have time to have an action plan in place. Coping plans I mean.....if you jot down any triggers you know and a resolution or anything you can work trough it that way? That way you won’t miss your close friends day! Do they know that you may feel this way? X

[Suzi]

That dress is lovely and you'll look drop dead gorgeous!

Coping strategies can be worked on, are you staying in a hotel or something?

[Jaquaia]

I should let him know. I do need to ask him for details.

Don't know yet Suzi, he asked me to go at half 1 this morning.

[Suzi]

(rofl) Sounds awesome though!

[Angie]

That is gorgeous hunni

[Jaquaia]

It's just the length that's making me think twice

[Suzi]

Why? You'll look awesome - get it ,try it on and we'll be honest....

[Paula]

Ditto ;)

[Jaquaia]

I will order it soon. And I've messaged him to ask for details

[Suzi]

Woohoo!

[Jaquaia]

Not a good day today. Already sat and cried this morning.

[Jarre]

Any idea whats started it today?

[S deleted]

Oh mate, what’s up?

[Suzi]

(bear) lovely.. Hope you're doing a little brighter.

[Jaquaia]

I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. So reading as it distracts me.

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart (panda)

[Suzi]

Do you know why?

[Jaquaia]

I've woken up feeling like I am a despicable person and that I deserve to be alone as everyone would be better off without me

[S deleted]

I know I wouldn’t be better off without you. You’re one of the few people who is capable of removing my head from my arse for me. I’d be lost without your friendship.

[Paula]

You’re one of the kindest, most caring people I know

[Suzi]

You are so very far from despicable... I think you're kind, generous, intelligent, thoughtful, funny and a really good friend.

[Jaquaia]

I just feel completely broken today

[S deleted]

Wish I could do something to change that. You know where to find me if I can do anything.

[Suzi]

(bear) Are you speaking to J later? You aren't broken lovely, but I wonder when you last let it all out was?

[Mira]

I know the feeling. Distraction is good. Because it will pass and then things will be a bit better again. Your ok.

[Jaquaia]

I feel anything but ok at the moment.

We've been texting most of the afternoon and I know I have him worried, I don't like worrying him. I just can't hide it today

[Suzi]

IF you love him and he loves you then you shouldn't have to hide it.

[S deleted]

You don’t have to hide it here

[Jaquaia]

He agrees with you and is always telling me not to hide when I'm struggling as he wants to be there for me, just as I know that when I see him on Monday he won't say anything but just hold me tight until I'm ready to talk. It's a habit I got into with dickhead, because me talking about what I was struggling with was always "emotional blackmail"

[Paula]

Then have you told him now?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't. He knows I'm really low, he knows I'm tired of fighting, he knows I've been crying, but putting why in to words is incredibly difficult.

[S deleted]

Wanna try it out on us?

[Angie]

Huge hugs hunni you are a wonderful kind giving caring loving young women

[Jaquaia]

Wanna try it out on us?

I don't even know how to start working it out for myself

[S deleted]

Well if and when you wanna spill...

[Paula]

Can you explain one small thing? Maybe baby steps?

[Jaquaia]

J is incredibly annoying, has rang me to get it out of me, and when I tried to skirt around telling him, guessed what it was anyway... and was right! I'm not used to someone being able to read me so well. I know have orders to rest and make sure I drink.

[Suzi]

So go on, tell us.....

[Jaquaia]

It was a misunderstanding and with the frame of mind I'm in lately, especially waking up feeling like I did, all my insecurities raised their ugly head and the bad thoughts wouldn't quieten. They're not much quieter today, and he has been brilliant. He's the complete opposite to dickhead.

I'm trying to fight the dark thoughts but I am so, so tired. It's an effort to hold on.

[S deleted]

Spill bird. What’s going on?

[Jaquaia]

It was me adding 2 and 2 and getting 96. When you add that to me feeling like I don't deserve him on top of already feeling worthless and pathetic... then things become bigger issues then they need to be. Everything has become bigger then it needed to be.

I know he loves me, his words and actions show me that every single day. I think when I'm feeling so low, I start thinking that I deserve how I've been treated in the past and that I'm not worthy. His answer to that is that no one has ever appreciated how awesome I am before.

[S deleted]

He’s wrong!!! I appreciate your awesomeness and I’m pretty confident I’m not alone. Admittedly I’m not looking for commitment and you’re not really my type but.....you rock!

[Paula]

No one deserves the treatment you got, especially not you

[Jaquaia]

He was meaning more previous exes, well, pretty much everyone who has treated me badly.

I'll get there, it's just so hard to keep going at the moment.

[S deleted]

Sorry was just trying to add a bit of humour.

[Jaquaia]

I know. Was trying to avoid telling you you're not my type either ;)

Just feel.like I am in a very deep hole at the moment and I can't find a way out

[Paula]

*throwsaropeforyoutograb*

[Suzi]

*hands Jaq a torch* We're here and we aren't going to leave you or run away or be scared off by what is going on in your head. I wish you wouldn't bottle it all up though...

[Jaquaia]

Everything is such a tangle, I don't even know where to start.

[S deleted]

^^^wss

[Paula]

With just one thing, even if it’s the smallest thing.

[Jaquaia]

At the moment, everything feels huge. Just getting up in a morning takes hours

[Paula]

Can you take that baby step by baby step? Eg you’re just getting out of bed to go to the loo etc

[S deleted]

Ok let’s do this. When you came up with the answer that 2+2=96, what was the problem exactly?

[Suzi]

Getting up being a struggle - is that because of mental or physical issues?

[Jaquaia]

Mental. It just takes so much energy. Just showering this morning was exhausting.

[Suzi]

Well done for showering though, I know it's hard .What are you up to today?

[Paula]

If showering, eating, drinking, medicated is all you manage today, that’s awesome. Don’t push yourself any further than that if it’s too much

[Jaquaia]

I want to try and do some studying. Even if I just do a little bit it's better then nothing.

[Suzi]

Maybe a little bit hunni, but don't push too hard.

[S deleted]

If you want to do it then give it a try. It might be a good distraction.

[Jaquaia]

I've come upstairs and just flopped. My body feels like lead today

[Angie]

(bear)

[Paula]

Your body seems to be telling you to rest, so rest ....

[Jaquaia]

I must study tomorrow. I have an assignment due next week

[Paula]

And resting today will mean you’re more able to do it tomorrow ;)

[Jaquaia]

I hope so. Not feeling very confident at the moment

[Suzi]

Then maybe you need to rest a bit more and be kind to yourself for a day or so?

[Jaquaia]

I'm thinking of doing some drawing tonight. Not sure yet.

[S deleted]

Ooohhh, if you do you have to show me what you’ve done. I love your stuff.

[Suzi]

I think you need to share more of your drawing!

[Angie]

I agree with Suzi x

[Jaquaia]

I've started a drawing but struggling to keep going and not rip it up. I don't like anything I've done, I don't think it's good enough.

[S deleted]

That’s pretty much where I’m at today too.

[Suzi]

Don't rip it up. Show us tomorrow...

[Jaquaia]

I've put it away and just settled with my film for now before I got too frustrated

https://www.dropbox.com/s/a8p4wcpcko4og8z/20180305_204410.jpg?dl=0

[Angie]

Thats a really good start hunni

[Paula]

That’s lovely, already :)

[Suzi]

Wow, that's brilliant!

[Jaquaia]

Really bad day today. The way I described it to J is my head is full of bad thoughts and they're twisting everything, they're questionning everything. I woke up on the verge of tears and wanting to scratch. It's hard going today.

[Suzi]

Can you get some of those thoughts out of your head?

[Jaquaia]

I don't even know how to start. It's like they're one big, tangled, dark, seething mass. I don't know where one thought end and another begins.

[Suzi]

Just write a list. It's not impossible if we all help you work through it..

[Angie]

Jaq I get that and it feels impossible to untangle, can you maybe start with the first thing that comes to mind, don't try just the first thing that comes to mind?

[Jaquaia]

That's just it, everything just feels dark, like this huge oily stain. It feels like I have a huge knot in my chest and like I'm almost suffocating on it. I don't know how to make it stop. Everything just feels like a huge issue, I feel like I'm not worthy of anything good.

[Suzi]

but you are worthy of good things, of being treated much better, of being valued, loved and wanted - which you are here...
Let it all out - not even in sentences, just mentally spew out everything that's horrible in your head...

[Paula]

Instinctively, without thinking, what’s the first word/phrase that comes to you?

[Jaquaia]

Loser, pathetic, waste of space, waste of oxygen, people would be better off without me, horrible person, don't deserve to be happy, lazy, fat, disgusting, wish I could sleep and never wake up, deserve how I've been treated... I could probably go on.

[Paula]

Ok, let’s take just one of those ‘people would be better off without me’. Can you justify that thought? Is is true? Do you have evidence to say it’s true?

[Jaquaia]

I'm 34 and my dad is having to support me, I don't do much around the house as I don't have the energy, I have no friends locally I can spend time with because apparently betraying my trust is fine so I can't be worth that much to begin with, I'm tired of constantly making an effort with my brother and sister, I'm jealous and resentful of people getting the thongs they want in life, and I make J's life far more complicated then it needs to be.

All that says to me that I'm not worth it

[Paula]

All of which I can, and will, tell you are not true but later. The one I really want you to realise is not valid is that of making Js life more complicated. When Si and I had been seeing each other for about a month, in secret, our mutual friends found out. We had one friend phone from Denmark, another taking Si out to talk to him, 2 more taking me out for lunch to tell me it was a bad idea. Even Si’s mum told him it wasn’t a great idea. Tbh, if I’d been them I’d have probably done the same - seeing your best friend’s ex wife less than 6 months after they split up is not sensible. But it just felt right and we were falling in love, so we carried on erm carrying on. We were right and over 19 years later we’re still crazy about each other. Love is always complicated and never easy but it is always worth it

[S deleted]

I can only tell you the way I see things and you know I want bull(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) you.

At the age of 37, I found myself leaving my home and moving back in with my Dad cos I had no where else to go. A very similar situation to yours and if Dad was still alive I’d probably still be there. Sometimes in life we need to regroup and having met your parents there is no way they would sit back and see you struggle if they could help. That doesn’t make you a loser. It makes you fortunate to have loving family to support you in difficult times.

As for a lack of local friends, well, you have in innocence, a purity about you (ok stop laughing cos I’m serious here). You see the good in everyone and unfortunately that brings the arse wipes of this world flocking so they can use you for what they want but offer nothing in return. When they get bored they move on. Trust me you don’t need those kind of people in your life. That said though if you want to make friends it helps to get out and meet people. There has to be a local book club or something to get you started?

And finally we get to J. Yeah I know I wasn’t happy about you being with him and I still think you should have waited but it is what it is, and although it’s not the perfect situation you aren’t the one making his life difficult and if that was the case he simply wouldn’t bother with you and putting my initial appreciation aside, I actually think that you are good for him. He needs someone to talk to who understands. Someone to support him and his actions have proven that he is there for you. He seems like a nice guy and I look forward to meeting him properly in the future.

[Jaquaia]

Paula, it feels right with him, I know it's not ideal at the moment but nothing has ever felt as right as being with him does. I am head over heels in love with him, and his words and actions show me every single day that he loves me. I don't know, part of me doesn't think he deserves having to put up with me while I'm like this. I said something similar to him yesterday. He asked me if I would apologise for having a cold, that I'm ill and it isn't my fault that I'm ill so I had no need to apologise whatsoever. And he told me that I was perfect the way I am.

Stella, I often think I'm just gullible and I feel like a burden to my parents. They shouldn't have to be supporting me. I'm 34, reasonably intelligent, I should be out there working. I feel lkke a burden to J too at the moment.

[Suzi]

Actually I'm the only one of all 5 of us who HASN'T moved back in with my parents for an extended period. My sister moved back in with my Mum a couple of years ago and her and her children are still there and she's 38 this year. It's not something that is an exception to the rule anymore.

J? If it's right then it's worth it. True love never runs easily and smoothly. Marc and I have struggled in the past with both of our health, and things have been far from straight forward or easy. But I adore every bit of him and so no matter how difficult it is I'll carry on fighting for him. Do I think I deserve him? F*** no. He's way better/braver/stronger/more good looking/funny/awesome than I'll ever be. But that's how it is and I'll take it....

[Angie]

Moving back with parents is getting really common believe me the amout of customers we have that cancel there contracts because of this reason is higher than you might think sweetie x

[Paula]

Onto ‘you don’t do much around the house’ ...... you look after your mum, you take her to all her appointments (practically a full time job right there), you deal with her medication, you nag her to make choices that would improve her life, you bake for crying out loud - you’d be paying your full board doing that alone in my house! What you do for her is something not many would do, and that’s care. Where’s your brother and sister when that has to happen?

[Jaquaia]

My brother takes her to her appointments in S(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)horpe but that's it, though he lives in Grimsby. My sister does nothing, never has really. Neither of them have ever offered to go with her to an appointment so I can have a break.

[Suzi]

So maybe you aren't as useless as you think you are.....

[Jaquaia]

It's not really hard to sit and listen to the doctor.

[Paula]

You have got to be kidding! We’ve seen how much those appointments take out of you, how exhausted and stressed you are and how long it takes you to recover! It is hard to do that, yet you never say you can’t do it

[Suzi]

Ahh, but that's just it. It IS. It's not "just" listening to the dr is it? It's getting her up, medicated, dressed, to the appointment, sitting for the waiting time, listening to the Dr - telling them about things that she doesn't mention, explaining things to her, getting her home, making her lunch, trying to stop her from harmful behaviour such as smoking and setting the house alight.... Then it's going round and round in your head..... whilst you try to get on with so many other things that need to be done. That's all whilst also fighting your own pain, chronic illness, demons in your head, guilt, exhaustion, anxiety etc etc etc
Don't ever tell me that all you do is "just listen to the Dr"....

[Mira]

Maybe, but its not easy either.

Last week when I had my appointment with my therapist after we were done I thought that I came across realy superficial, like the most shallow person ever. And normaly I would not say that but last week I did. And she told me that she did not think that at all. And then she said that superficial shallow people do not need to see a therapist. And after thinking about it, yeah thats true.

I come and read your thread. And I can read that you are smart and caring. A allround nice person. And you where talking about you should work and you should do this and that. To me that makes you genuine. Because you want those things but at the moment its not that easy getting those things done. That puts you miles ahead of all the people that use other people. People that take advantage of other people because they are lazy and superficial.

So maybe sometimes you could tell yourself, hey I am ok. There are people that like me. So I am a likeable person.

[Jaquaia]

I just feel so utterly worthless and completely alone today. I don't want to be alone but I feel like I deserve to be.

[Paula]

You’re not alone (bear)

[Suzi]

You really aren't alone lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I feel so alone. Even my brother and sister rarely bother with me. I feel like if I disappeared, no one would miss me. I'm so tired of fighting now.

[Paula]

We would miss you, J would miss you

[Suzi]

I'd miss you. You really are so much more important than you'll ever know..

[Jaquaia]

I feel like I'm walking along a cliff edge that could crumble from under my feet at any moment. I feel utterly useless, I don't know what else I can do

[Suzi]

Trust that we have hold of ropes to hold on to you whilst you are finding things tough.

[Jaquaia]

Thank you. I want to get better, I'm just wondering if it will ever happen now

[Suzi]

IT will, but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get the right help love.

[Jaquaia]

I've spent the last hour and a half laid here listening to the neighbours pond and the birds in the trees :(

[S deleted]

Not great at that time of day but it sounds relaxing at least

[Suzi]

Was it relaxing? What's on your todo list today?

[Jaquaia]

It probably was but I wasn't all that relaxed. I eventually fell back to sleep around half 7

[S deleted]

Got much on the agenda today?

[Paula]

Hope you’re taking it easy then

[Jaquaia]

J has just left, I don't think he let me go the entire time he was here. He's given me so many hugs and so much reassurance and I feel so lucky to have someone so caring and understanding. I'm not used to being treated like this.

I'm going to try and do a little bit of studying this afternoon.

[Suzi]

Glad you got to spend time with him.

[Jaquaia]

It did help, I feel a lot more peaceful and calm now. I still can't find the motivation to go and study though. Still not good really, just a little better.

[Suzi]

Feeling calmer is good. Have you managed to do any studying?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't. I hadn't realised just how tense I've been. Now I've spent some time with J and he's massaged my neck and shoulders, I've not as wound up and now have a tension headache. I've tidied some of my bookcase and got a homemade minestrone soup on the go for tea tomorrow.

I've had a bit of a surprise today. I've received an appointment through the post to go and see the non-medical prescriber at the psychiatric unit. It's thrown me a bit as I thought they'd washed their hands of me. Wondering if this means that he thinks my treatment needs looking at further?

[S deleted]

Hey that all sounds good

[Suzi]

non medical prescriber? WTF is one of those?

[Jaquaia]

You tell me. That's what it says on the letter. She said nurse prescriber to me, which to me is medical!

[Suzi]

MHSW maybe?

[Jaquaia]

What's that when it's at home?

[S deleted]

Mental health social worker. I’m still waiting on the one I was promised back in 2008 lol

[Jaquaia]

Apparently it's the proper title for a nurse prescriber....why not just call it a fecking nurse prescriber???

[Suzi]

ROFL! Well at least we know...

[Jaquaia]

Head is thumping so settled down to watch tv. Was struggling being around the oldies.

[Paula]

Have you got any chamomile tea?

[Jaquaia]

God no! It's vile!

[Suzi]

Maybe you need a hot epsom salt bath and bed?

[Jaquaia]

Slight problem there...


No bath!

[Suzi]

Oh bugger! I've got a bath, come and use mine ;) I can't have a bath due to rubbish mobility....

[Jaquaia]

Hot chocolate and paracetamol before bed I think

[Paula]

How are you doing this morning?

[Suzi]

Morning! How are you feeling today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Not great. Woke up with the headache still behind my left eye. Trying to work up the energy to get out of bed too. Slightly less tense as J has just rang and given me orders to take it easy today too.

[Suzi]

Have you had that headache checked out?

[Paula]

You do get a lot of headaches ....

[Jaquaia]

No, it only started yesterday. And they tend to be tension headaches.

[Flo]

How is your neck? Sometimes when you're doing things in one position for a long time the nerves in your neck play up and send pain to your head. I'm not saying this is the problem you have but it's a possibility. Hope it feels better soon.

[Jaquaia]

My neck, shoulders and back feel really tight

[Suzi]

IT could be referred pain from there? I know I struggle with that.

Are you resting this afternoon?

[Jaquaia]

I'm attempting to study. The band is back behind my eyes and having to make a conscious effort not to grit my teeth so pretty sure it's a tension headache.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

(bear) (bear) Can you try to meditate or rest to try to shift it a bit?

[Jaquaia]

My head is telling me I need to study, that I'm going to fail if I carry on like this. J has already told me I'm being too hard on myself.

[Angie]

hunni can you at least take regular breaks and by breaks I mead do something else or just not be near your study work etc then go back to it etc?

[Suzi]

Why push yourself to be studying when you are in pain and I assume are struggling with concentration? J is right.