General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Suzi]

Sounds like a pretty good day love xx

[Flo]

Home Bargains

The mutt woke me up at half 5 trying to get in bed with me ;(

Men can be SO irritating can't they??(rofl)

[Paula]

How are you doing? Did you sleep?

[Jaquaia]

I did. Fell asleep around half 1 and didn't wake up until 7 and then dozed for another couple of hours. Still feel tired though and tense and irritable.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

How was the rest of your day lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I've been reading again, almost finished the book I started this morning. Very, very irritable though, struggling to handle my mum talking to me.

[Suzi]

How are you feeling today lovely?

[Paula]

(bear)

[Angie]

Hope your struggling less today hun x

[Jaquaia]

Tired, grumpy. I was getting very snappy with my mum last night so went to read in bed. Fed up of being so irritable all the time, it's not me!

[Suzi]

When are your next appointments? Are you keeping note of the moods etc?

[Jaquaia]

I've got a diary I'm writing everything in.There are only a few days missing as I didn't post here.

Got bloods tomorrow morning, rheumatology tomorrow afternoon and counselling Thursday morning. Still really irritable but it's not as bad today as I've spent a couple of hours with J and he calms me

[Paula]

Still a tough week, so take it easy where you can

[Suzi]

I'm going to say something which is probably way out of order, but I'm concerned that your mood is pretty flat and low, and you say you are really irritable until you see J. It concerns me that your mood seems so linked with him. Whilst I get that you like spending time with him - as you should, I'm concerned about how dependent you are on him for your mood... Does that make sense? Have I upset you? I really didn't mean to...

[Jaquaia]

I need to begin working through week 1 on my course.

Suzi it makes sense. I don't agree but it makes sense. I think I feel less irritable with him as I'm not as exhausted as I'm not trying to hide how I am from him. He can read me too well so there's no point in trying to pretend I'm ok. I can drop my guard and just be me, whether that is me when I'm happy or extremely irritable or really low. And my mood isn't really that low today, it's fairly level with a few dips, but mainly irritable.

[Suzi]

Fair enough - I didn't upset you did I?

Why do you feel you need to have your guard up when you are at home with your parents?

[Jaquaia]

You didn't upset me (panda)

Because my dad doesn't understand so it's just attitude to him and not me being ill. And with my mum because everything has to have a reason and she pushes and pushes trying to find an answer until I snap and then she takes my reaction personally and makes it all about her despite her ignoring me when I ask her to leave it.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I wish you didn't have to pretend when you were at home.

[Jaquaia]

Me too but I'm used to it.

Just got home from the hospital. My blood tests are still showing inflammation markers, which is annoying as my hands almost feel normal, but I've been put on hydroxychloroquine alongside the methotrexate and have been told that I have to arrange an eye test and to make sure I have them yearly. Fun!

[Suzi]

My friends on the same things and folic acid too... (bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Yep. I've been on folic acid since I started the methotrexate.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I now have a swollen lip as this dizzy mare dropped her phone on her face :(:

[Angie]

Opps ouch!

[Jaquaia]

You can say that again! My mouth is throbbing!

[S deleted]

This is exactly why I don’t read hardback books in bed anymore. The number of times I’ve fallen asleep reading and cracked myself In the face with the book... I don’t advise it.

[Jaquaia]

I usually save the hardbacks for when I'm laying on my front and then wake up with the pages stuck to my face

[S deleted]

Now there’s an image, lol

[Jaquaia]

It's only a problem if I drool! (rofl)

[S deleted]

That’s bad if you have to hang it out to dry before you can finish reading lol

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

Still haven't started my uni work. I can't find any motivation at the moment...

[S deleted]

When does it need to be done by?

[Jaquaia]

Only on week one but got an assignment due in 2 weeks.

[S deleted]

Best not it leave it to the last minute. I’m sure you’ll get through it all ok when you’re ready

[Suzi]

Maybe start with reading around it and bullet pointing etc?

[Jaquaia]

I think I may just leave it for tonight and catch up on some tv and start it tomorrow after counselling.

[Angie]

Sounds like a plan hunni

[S deleted]

After counselling? You gonna be up for it then?

[Jaquaia]

Possibly not but I can try.

[S deleted]

Don’t pressure yourself if you don’t feel up to it.

[Suzi]

Hope counselling goes OK lovely

[Jaquaia]

It will certainly be interesting as it's been a rough few weeks.

[TiffanyyO]

Good luck <3

[Paula]

I’m with Stella, after counselling may be a touch ambitious. But you’ll get there :)

[Suzi]

Hope you are able to tell them everything and that it helps lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I should really stop being so flippant with my counsellor. I let her know that I had an assessment with the mental health team in 2 weeks time and she started talking about me being discharged from counselling as I can't have that and be under the secondary team at the same time. Also talked about what a psychiatrist could do for me with regards to meds and then asked me what I felt about it.

"All I think is awwwwww!!! It's so sweet that you believe that will happen!"

My mouth runs away with me sometimes....

I did tell her everything, even about the SH and suicidal thoughts. Tired now

[Paula]

So cynical lol.

Well done for telling her everything, lovely

[Jaquaia]

Cynical??? Me??? (angel)

[Suzi]

Well done love. I'm glad you've told her everything. Hope you've done something kind for you this afternoon/evening.

[Jaquaia]

I wrote my piece on fb and spoke to J a couple of times on the phone. Had cuddles with my niece too. Not had the energy for much more

[Paula]

Sounds like a pretty full day to me

[Suzi]

I think you've done brilliantly - is today a rest day? Top tip - best answer here is saying "yes Suzi. Today is a rest day" and then actually resting....

[Paula]

I think you've done brilliantly - is today a rest day? Top tip - best answer here is saying "yes Suzi. Today is a rest day" and then actually resting....

(rofl)(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl) just physio with my mum then resting.

[Jaquaia]

Well that was fun. Physio then shops. Only just eaten and taken my meds and already feel exhausted, though waking up at 5am wouldn't have helped that.

[Suzi]

Erm, you said physio then rest - now you've done physio and shops.............. Erm... RESTING?

[Jaquaia]

Pot and kettle missus!!! (rofl)

I'm resting! J is popping after work and I swear he's as bad as you lot so he will make me rest! (giggle) my mum had rent to pay and I needed to pick up my prescription, hence the shops.

[Angie]

Hope that you have rested hunnie

[Jaquaia]

Erm...yes. Rested! I did!

[Suzi]

Hooray!

[Angie]

Good,

[Jaquaia]

I'm even resting now!

[Angie]

Even better chufty badge on its way to you :)

[Suzi]

I'm really proud of you.

[Jaquaia]

To be honest, resting meant I could disappear to my room as being around the parents was a struggle.

[Suzi]

Shh don't dampen the mood of you being awesome and "just resting"....

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

My mind is racing a bit now! I suddenly want to do things!

[Suzi]

Nooooooooooooooooo rest!

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying but my mind isn't cooperating, I'm getting restless and finding it hard to sit still

[Suzi]

I don't think you need to sit still to rest - I don't, I crochet because it helps my mind to rest and means I'm sitting ;)

How are you today love?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. I was awake before 4 and then again at 5. It's taken 2 and a half hours to get up and get sorted as I have no energy or motivation. Already had J checking that I've eaten, I have! Just feeling a little empty today.

[Suzi]

Do you have any plans for this weekend?

[Jaquaia]

I need to do some studying but I don't have the motivation. I'm going to fail, I just know it :(

[Paula]

No. You’re not. You’re intelligent, focussed and it’s a subject you really want to study. Today, maybe even this week it may be hard but you’ve got a bit more time to put this one in and, even if it’s a bit rushed, you don’t fail on one rushed assignment

[Jaquaia]

Well I've gotten myself organised and got a folder and notepad sorted for notes. I've found my laptop bag so I can keep everything together. It's a start!!!

[Suzi]

It's a brilliant start. I know you can do this love. You are such an intelligent, interesting and fabulous lovely I have no doubt you'll be brilliant.

[Jaquaia]

I know I need to have more faith in myself, I just don't know how. All I can see is week 2 starts tomorrow and I'm already a week behind.

[Suzi]

What is your task for week 1?

[Jaquaia]

There's a video to watch and some reading I think

[OldMike]

You can do it Jaq you're highly intelligent and well bred (giggle) er I meant well read (nod)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

Video watched. Now to watch again and take notes!

[Suzi]

Wooohoo!! See, told you that you could do it!

[Jaquaia]

4 and a half pages of notes, a half hour phone call with J and have made a cheese and leek potato bake from scratch.... tired now and my back is aching!

[S deleted]

Wowzers. Bet you feel good about all you’ve achieved. You’ve earned a bit of a rest now

[Paula]

See, told you you could do it ;)

[Suzi]

Well done love.. See we were right..

[Jaquaia]

That's only part of the task for week 1, I still have more to do! But I've decided a shower would be more of a benefit

[Paula]

Yeah but that’s Called pacing, which is a good thing ;)

[Jaquaia]

Spent the morning with J so this evening will be studying. Will try and get an early night as I'm up early for my eyes testing tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Hope it's been a good day lovely...

[Jaquaia]

It's been ok. I got a bit emotional when J was leaving but he is absolutely amazing at dealing with me when I get like that. I haven't done any studying today as my shoulder is flaring and my eye is painful. It's a bit red and swollen near my tear duct

[Paula]

Doctor’s tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

I'll be ok. I'm used to my shoulder flaring now, I just need to rest it and antinflammatories. I'll see what my eye is like tomorrow. I'm hoping it's not a tear duct infection as that may mean a trip to the hospital and I really can't be bothered with that!

[Suzi]

(bear) I wish you and he could just be together..

[Jaquaia]

We will be. He just wants to do everything he can to stop me being affected by the fallout.

[Suzi]

I can understand that.. How are you doing today love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok so far, just tired. Choosing new glasses is a nightmare when you can't see without your prescription ones! But I have new glasses chosen, my pocket is £70 lighter and the optician also commented on how dry my eyes are, so need to start using my drops.

[Suzi]

OO new glasses! What did you go for?

Are you now going to rest?

[Paula]

^^^wss

[Jaquaia]

Erm...probably pottering or studying.

I can't remember what my glasses look like! They're blue-ish.

[Suzi]

How did the rest of the day go?

[Jaquaia]

I ended up dozing off this afternoon and have just watched "Hulls Headscarf Heroes". Absolutely amazing documentary which I really recommend. I found it incredibly moving, but I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I go past the memorial on Hessle Road most days and see the list of the men who died, I've been past the memorial up near the dock numerous times so these aren't just shadowy figures to me, but real people who shaped the character of my city itms?

[S deleted]

Any links?

[Jaquaia]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09r8jvr

[S deleted]

Not the only historical disaster on your mind today either I bet.

[Jaquaia]

It isn't. Tom is over in Munich with some other friends at the moment, he attended a memorial service, and our friend Mike plays a big part in organising remembrance every year at Old Trafford.


https://youtu.be/zB32CZchF3k

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)

[S deleted]

I ended up dozing off this afternoon and have just watched "Hulls Headscarf Heroes". Absolutely amazing documentary which I really recommend. I found it incredibly moving, but I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I go past the memorial on Hessle Road most days and see the list of the men who died, I've been past the memorial up near the dock numerous times so these aren't just shadowy figures to me, but real people who shaped the character of my city itms?

Just watched it and it’s absolutely shocking the conditions those men had to put up with and respect to the women who helped change the way the industry operated and no doubt saved many lives.

[Suzi]

It's on my "to watch" list.

How are you feeling today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Not great. I've cried more times then I care to admit and the moment I started studying I dozed off.

[S deleted]

Any cause for the tears?

[Paula]

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I don't know, I've not been right all day really. I had a weightwise appointment this morning and my voice sounded dead. J has been brilliant and wouldn't leave until he knew I was ok.

[Suzi]

How did the Weightwise appointment go?

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

It was ok. I didn't get weighed today, we just talked about how I've been getting on and things I can do to help me sleep.

[Angie]

Have they given you any ideas to help with sleep

[Jaquaia]

Lavendar oil, doing something to relax like read

[Jaquaia]

My reactions are completely out of proportion today! My sister has rung my mum today, she's got my niece into nursery 2 days a week when she goes back to work, despite my dad offering to look after her. Pretty much blamed it on my mum and the way she is and justified it on a load of what ifs, yet they're good enough to babysit if they want a night out. Oh and they're allowed to take her for days out the rest of the week too. So why aren't they good enough to look after her while she's at work? My mum is feeling quite hurt by that and my dad is upset too. Oh and she's not allowed at our house, she must be looked after there. Never mind the fact they never smoke when she's in the house, and it's obvious when they come down that she never really wants to be here. My sis never considers how her words affect people, she just opens her mouth and doesn't give a toss about anyone else.

It's made me so angry yet it's gone beyond that to wanting to claw at my arms and even the odd thought of I want all this to end. I want my mind to be quiet.

[Suzi]

I'd be cross too - but tbh it could be financial? Do they get certain benefits which only get awarded if she is in funded ofsteded childcare?

[Paula]

Actually, I completely understand your sister. When you pay someone to look after your children, there’s a professional contract between you that makes it easier to tell them what you expect in your child’s care. When family do it, you can’t insist on things being done your way. You have an overwhelming sense of guilt that they’re helping you out. You can’t tell your parents not to take them out because the child had a bad night or to make sure the child doesn’t have an afternoon nap because you need your child to sleep on a long car journey you’re taking her on when you finish work. And, you can’t stop your parents from spoiling your child.

I’ve had family giving childcare and I’ve had professional childcare. I adore my parents and theyre wonderful grandparents but my life was a 1000 x easier with a childminder. Ultimately this decision is about what’s best for your niece and her parents.

[Jaquaia]

That's fair enough Paula, but blaming it solely on my mums health? Yet they're good enough to babysit if they want a night out? Making it obvious that you don't want to be in your parents house? That you don't want your child in your parents house? Manners and being mindful of others feelings doesn't take much. But then no one else actually matters with her.

[Jaquaia]

Nearly there with my first assignment and all caught up with the work. Less than 200 words to go and references and I can submit it. I actually feel a lot calmer about it then the first time round at uni.

[S deleted]

Yay! Glad you’re all caught up.

[Paula]

Well done you! Told you so (giggle)

[Suzi]

Well done gorgeous! :)

[Jaquaia]

I haven't finished my assignment yet. Don't congratulate me just yet

[Suzi]

It's an achievement to have even started!!

[Jaquaia]

I'll no doubt find some way to mess it up. I always do.

[S deleted]

OI! We’ll have none of that.

[Suzi]

Totally agree with Stella!

[Jaquaia]

Well that's how I feel today

[Suzi]

You OK lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I woke up this morning so not really.

[Suzi]

Do you know what's caused those feelings?

[Jaquaia]

Just woke up wishing I hadn't and spent most of the day wishing I wasn't here. Of course I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.

[S deleted]

That’s bull and you know it. Not taking the easy way out is hardly cowardly.

[Suzi]

I don't think it's cowardly to or not to take that way out - but I hope you never do because no matter how you feel about yourself you are loved and wanted...

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired of fighting. I always try to be the best person I can be and all I seem to do is suffer, I can't even do being a woman properly. Yet people go through life treating others like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) and get everything they want. How is that fair?

[S deleted]

I hear ya mate. It sometimes seems like the way to get ahead in this world is to be a complete (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)

[Paula]

I can't even do being a woman properly.

Where has this come from?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. It was just in my head last night

[Suzi]

In what way can't you be a woman properly?? I ask because I've felt that so many times.......

How are you today gorgeous?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't had a period since mid-September so couldn't even do pregnancy, I have thinning hair and hair that grows where it shouldn't. Not exactly the most feminine of looks I have!

I'm better then yesterday but still pretty low and very, very irritable, snappy and on edge. Still wish I hadn't woken up but not thinking of ways I can achieve that at least. J is popping to see me soon. He tried to get someone to cover his shift so he could come with me this afternoon but there was no one available. I'm just touched he even tried.

[Suzi]

Do you have anyone to go with you?

Sweetheart I really wish I could take those horrible feelings away from you.. Thing is, you're much more woman than so many I meet....

[Jaquaia]

And there we have it. I'm not ill enough to see a psychiatrist, the meds aren't working because of my personality and my self harm isn't proper self harm.

[S deleted]

Your personality?

[Jaquaia]

"The meds I've tried haven't really worked. There's only paroxetine which has reduced the urge to self-harm and the suicidal thoughts"

"Have you ever thought it could be your personality? Some people find no antidepressants at all work because of their personality."

I kid you not!

[Paula]

What?? Ffs!!

And, I’m sorry, but any self harm is self harm. I’m really angry for you :@

[Jaquaia]

According to her, because I didn't need medical attention, it isn't proper self harm. Though she was debating between using proper self harm and superficial self harm.

[Suzi]

That's outrageous! I'm furious for you! Go back to your GP and tell them what was said, then call PALS and tell them too. That's horrific.

[Jaquaia]

She said I was angry and defensive and had a huge wall up. And that they hadn't let me down previously. And medication won't help me as it's issues that need to be worked out in therapy. I even told her that my counsellor has said that I fully engaged with my counselling. It was only me breaking down completely that got her to agree to ask the nurse prescriber to look at my medication. I'm talking snotty, sobbing, can't talk proper crying. Like I told her, I don't understand why I feel so low at the moment as J makes me genuinely happy and I don't want to wake up feeling disappointed I'm alive for the rest of my life.

In other news, it's 6 months ago today that I reconnected with J and it was him who remembered! So the day wasn't a total washout as I had hugs with him this morning.

[Flo]

You know, it's a strange thing really. Sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason for the way we feel the way we do. I have a caring husband, nice house, no immediate money worries, have 2 kids and 5 grandkids that are doing well and basically have a life that a lot of others would give their eye teeth to have...so why do I get anxious and feel depressed? I get really disappointed in myself for not being grateful for everything I have. Where is the logic?There is none! Depression doesn't recognise logic, which is why it's not understood by the majority, even some of the professionals who are trained to understand! Just keep getting hugs from J. I love hugs from my big bear. It's when I feel the most safe. By the way, how old is your little niece now? She must be at the really cuddly stage. Awww...(bear)

[Suzi]

I'm so sorry that they treated you like crap again. Do go and see your Dr love and tell them what they said to you....

[Jaquaia]

She's 7 months now Flo! She's a little bugger, constantly trying to pinch my glasses and last weekend tried sucking my nose! (rofl)

I feel safest when I'm with J, have done since day one. He will never let me give up, he keeps me going some days when I just want to disappear.

Suzi, it's what I expected, except the personality bit was new and really upset me.

I am so chuffed about my assignment score!!!! 92%!!!!! I have never ever had a piece of university level work come close to that before!!!!

[Jarre]

(panda) you know we are always just behind you hun when you need us

[Paula]

I am so proud of you!

[Flo]

Blimey! Well done! What an achievement. You're gonna sail through this. So little niece is at that stage!....I can't believe she's 7 months already! Where does the time go? Is she trying to crawl or roll yet? You'll all need eyes in your backside! Your J sounds like a goodun and obviously thinks the world of you. Men like that are few and far between so keep a good hold of him. (panda)

[S deleted]

Great result for the assignment. Definitely need to celebrate that somehow.

[Jaquaia]

She's rolling and trying to crawl and starting to eat solids Flo!
J is awesome, I'm not letting him go anywhere. :)

I can't believe I was panicking when I clicked submit! I got some awesome feedback!!!

[S deleted]

When we tell you we believe in you maybe you can trust you. ;) I’m seriously chuffed for you mate.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Angie]

Well done sweetie xx

[Jaquaia]

Shattered now. It's been such a mixed day and I still can't get over my mark for my assignment! Had to be sociable as my brother came down with his girlfriend, which was difficult, and I've not eaten properly as I wasn't hungry but I have had something.

[Suzi]

How are you this morning lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm a lot better today. I wonder if it was me dreading the appointment that made me crash so far? Plus J popped to see me for half an hour before work to make sure I'm ok. He really is amazing, coming to see me would have added half an hour onto his journey to work but he doesn't care, he just wanted to see me and check I was ok. I've never had someone treat me like I was so important before :)

Downside is my arm hurts and looks a mess, so long sleeves for a while, and it's FINALLY TOTM.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry you've hurt yourself love and that it's TOTM.. But I'm glad that he's showing you what you deserve - to be important and to be loved and respected...

[Jaquaia]

I'll live, it's just really sore.

[Paula]

Have you cleaned it up?

[Jaquaia]

I have been good this time and I'm keeping it clean and using an antiseptic cream on it.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're keeping it clean lovely... Wish you didn't feel you needed to do it in the first place though x

[Jaquaia]

I didn't realise I was doing it, I was that distressed. J was not happy that the CPN didn't pick up on me doing it.

[Suzi]

That's just not acceptable. Please go and see your GP in the morning and tell them everything and show them what you were doing whilst you were in their care....

[Jaquaia]

It's not the first time, it was the same in my last assessment too. Yet she mentioned me not giving eye contact.

[Paula]

Can you ask for a different cpn if you’re not happy?

[Jaquaia]

I can't remember the name of the other one I saw as she was just as bad.

[Paula]

Are there just two?

[S deleted]

I totally get what your saying Jaq. I’ve had similar experiences and the last face to face meeting I had with someone I was told I was an alcoholic and they couldn’t help me but I needed support from the alcohol and drug service. They couldn’t see that the drink was a coping mechanism for an underlying illness. Cock ends the lot of them. I still enjoy a drink but it has NEVER controlled me.

Anyway back to the point. After being told by many professionals that they couldn’t believe I was being overlooked for psychiatric care and having lost everything I ever held dear, I learned that the only way through this was to fight it myself. Yeah I make a lot of mistakes along the way but I try to learn from them and I never give up fighting. Yeah ok I may take a few days off once in a while but no one can say I don’t do all I can to beat this illness even without professional support. You don’t need someone with a badge of honour to get through this. What you need is the strength from within to stick two fingers up to all the people who’ve tried to drag you down or refused to help.

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I'm not keen to go back to find out after yesterday.


You donÂ’t need someone with a badge of honour to get through this. What you need is the strength from within to stick two fingers up to all the people whoÂ’ve tried to drag you down or refused to help.

Funnily enough, I said similar to J last night. I've got counselling next week so will let her know what happened as it's my last session and she was expecting me to get treatment. Other than grudgingly offering to talk to the nurse prescriber, she gave me the details to something called the Recovery College and said I should do some of the courses they offer. She made a point of saying the treatment teams have a long waiting list and they just offer the same stuff

[Suzi]

Marc's been referred to the recovery college too. They have loads of really interesting looking courses. He's also (finally) been given a contact at a local MH charity who seem to be really useful too..
Thing is, it shouldn't be a fight to get the help and that's so frustrating. Will you go back to see your Dr on Monday and tell them everything?
I know Marc's seen one set of CMHT before who weren't great, and now he's seen the other lot and they've been flipping awesome. Maybe that's an option?

[Jaquaia]

I will think about it. To be honest, friday has put me off, I felt attacked from the moment I sat down.

[Niffler]

Hi ladies, sorry to jump in on this but can you tell me what the recovery college is?

[S deleted]

It's basically a chance to learn all the tools necessary to keep you well in your day to day life.

[Suzi]

They run loads of different courses. Some of them look really interesting.

[Jaquaia]

I'm wary of biting off more than I can chew what with my appointments, looking after my mum and my OU study.

[Suzi]

Absolutely, but maybe something creative might be a break that your mind and you could do with?

[Jaquaia]

None of the courses they run are this side of the river, which is a pain. I need to start driving.

[Suzi]

No need to do everything all at once lovely...

[Jaquaia]

Well I've showered and even the water on my arm was painful :( it's feeling quite warm to the touch at the moment so I will keep a close eye on it. Annoyingly, I'm close to kicking myself for doing it but I'd detached and didn't realise. Logically I know it wasn't my fault.

[Suzi]

Please go and let your GP see it for themselves. It's very different to tell about it rather than see it itms?

[Jaquaia]

I will consider trying to get in.

[Suzi]

Have you tried to get an appointment?

[Paula]

Consider?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not really seeing much point at the moment. But I've booked one for a week on weds and I will keep an eye open and if one comes available sooner I will swap it.

[Suzi]

But in a week on Wednesday the area you've hurt won't look how it is now - can you take pictures?

[Jaquaia]

Already done that! And I've cancelled my weightwise appointment on wednesday as it clashed with counselling and I think counselling will be more beneficial to me right now. I will show my counsellor. I've even cut my nails pretty short, mainly to set J's mind at rest. With how short they are now, I can't do as much damage if I get distressed.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart (bear)(bear)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Pretty much anyway. Had hugs off J this morning, which was good for him too as he's struggling today. I'm planning on doing some studying to keep me occupied, or tidying. Not decided yet. I just cut my nails as I saw how worried he was and this removes some of that worry.

[Suzi]

How's the studying going?

[Jaquaia]

I went for tidying instead. Will do an hour or 2 later. Strugglibg to focus again.

[Suzi]

Can you pick and choose little tasks to focus on little by little?

[Jaquaia]

I should be able to. I have a standard to maintain now! (giggle)

[Paula]

I have no doubt at all that you’ll keep up with that standard. ;)

[Jaquaia]

Oh I do!!! Part of me thinks it was a fluke!

[Suzi]

Fuke or no fluke, who cares? Seriously, I have every faith in you x

[Jaquaia]

I'm glad someone does!

[S deleted]

And me. I have faith in you too.

[Jaquaia]

I think I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed after last week

[Suzi]

But it's the same as everything.. Little by little and one metaphorical foot in front of the metaphorical other.. You can do this.

How are you today?

[Paula]

Morning, sweetie

[Jaquaia]

Morning. Struggling to get going today, it's taken me 3 hours to get up and ready to face the day. Then I forgot to put my cardy on as I normally don't wear anything over my tshirt, so my anxiety went sky high when I realised my arm is visible. Covered up now but still pretty anxious!

[Angie]

(bear) hunni xx Have you eaten and drank something and took your meds ?

[Jaquaia]

I have, only just but I have done it.

[Angie]

Good, xx

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Rather then try and force studying, I've showered and started watching Brittania. Have to say I'm enjoying it! Although I think I'm pretty fragile at the moment. Been on the verge of tears a few times as I couldn't stop overthinking things.

[Suzi]

(bear) lovely. How are you feeling this morning? I think you're right not to force the studying..
Have you had something to drink? Something to eat? Taken meds?

What time's counselling?

[Jaquaia]

I'm there now, appointment is in 10 minutes. Actually eaten and medicated and I will have a glass of water in my session.

Feeling a little meh today but J is picking me up :)

[Suzi]

Well done love. Hope it goes well. Be honest. Tell them about Friday and show her your arm.

[Paula]

Thinking of you (bear)

[Angie]

(bear) hope the counselling goes well hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I showed her my arm. She's not impressed that the nurse didn't notice and didn't ask to see what I'd done. So she's emailing the clinical team and letting them know that secondary mental health have refused me any help and is going to see if she can get me another set of sessions. My counsellor is awesome!!! She's also said to tell my GP what happened.

[Suzi]

That's so good of her. I'm seriously proud that you told her and showed her! You seriously rock!

[Paula]

You were awesome today :)

[Jaquaia]

I don't think I've done anything amazing, and she said they might say no, but as I've been with them almost a year they sometimes allow it. She said she's on annual leave for the next 3 weeks so either someone from the office will get in touch or she'll ring me when she gets back, but until she gets a definitive answer she isn't discharging me.

[Angie]

Sounds like you have someone at least trying to help hunni and you are amazing please accept that is how we see you at least ?

[S deleted]

I’m not gonna tell you that you’re awesome because of today.

I think you’re awesome EVERY DAY!!!

[Suzi]

I'm so glad she's fighting your corner love.

[Jaquaia]

At least someone is willing to

[Suzi]

Hey, we are too ;)

[Jaquaia]

I know :)

I caught my arm earlier, have to admit that I did yelp! And J covered it earlier as it was itchy, in an effort to stop me scratching and he's commented that it's quite warm to the touch. So going to keep a very close eye on it.

[Paula]

Can you call the doctor in the morning?

[Suzi]

Please do call them lovely - or go to a walk in centre? But I really think your Dr should see it asap.

[Jaquaia]

It's less red and not as sore today so it's healing. I just always heal a bit weird

[Suzi]

Still might be worth it being seen?

[Angie]

I would still get it checked hunni x

[Jaquaia]

Fed up of my mood crashing. I was ok when I got up and started studying, actually got into it and was managing to focus. But had my mum shouting up at me for stuff that wasn't even important, my mum bringing a letter up that could have waited until I ventured downstairs and breaking my concentration, and that got the dog excited and she ended up getting caught in my charger and dragging my tablet off my bedside table, just fed up! I generally don't even get to have a shower in peace without my mum shouting up about the dog, or someone shouting up to see if I'm in the bathroom despite saying before I go up that I'm getting a shower. Or my mum coming up and asking if I'm decent as she was telling me some random (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)( swear).

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Paula]

How are you doing now?

[Jaquaia]

Feeling really flat and low.

[S deleted]

Hedgehog

[Suzi]

Are you still keeping a mood diary?

[Jaquaia]

Kind of give up after Friday. Will get back on it though.

Why do dentist use what feels like a bloody sander when cleaning your teeth? So much blood!!! And is there just me who avoids eye contact at all costs when they're hovering over your face?

[Paula]

Lol no, it’s so creepy. I know they have to do that but .....

[Jaquaia]

I had my spot on the ceiling chosen and he slid across into my eye line...

[Suzi]

*wanders in sees d word. Runs away*