General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

I've spent the past few hours with J so that has really helped. Just having something to eat then I'm going to carry on studying.

[Paula]

Hope you’re smiling :)

[Suzi]

How's the studying going? Enjoying it at all?

[Jaquaia]

Hope you’re smiling :)

I find it very hard not to smile when I've spent time with J. He is always telling me I'm awesome, how beautiful he finds me, how sexy he thinks I am (blush) and although I think he's deluded, he makes me feel all of that. I feel very, very lucky (inlove)


How's the studying going? Enjoying it at all?

More plodding at the moment. But I'm feeling better about it the more I get done.

[magie06]

That's because you are awesome. (panda)

[Suzi]

Magie's right... You are awesome.

[Angie]

Am another thats going to repeat the others am afraid but you are awesome x

[Jaquaia]

I don't feel awesome but I will believe that you think I am.

[Paula]

Please look back over the last week or two and see exactly how much you’ve caught up on your studying. And then tell yourself you’re awesome!

[Jaquaia]

I'm tempted to ask "and what if I don't?" But I think the answer may scare me! (giggle)

[Suzi]

It would scare you, don't ask... ;)
Glad you've made progress and are now going to believe that we believe that you're awesome!

[Paula]

(giggle)

[OldMike]

Not jumping on the bandwagon but all the work you've done studying screams AWESOME to me, it is not just the uni work you've done but the very person you are that makes you awesome.

[magie06]

How are things?

[Jaquaia]

Things are ok. I'm doing a little uni work and talking to J

[magie06]

I'm glad that you've got some work done. And well done J for chatting to you.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Angie]

Morning hunni

[Jaquaia]

Morning. Been awake nearly 3 and a half hours, suppose I should go eat...

[Angie]

Please also drink hunni

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely? Have you eaten and had something to drink?

[Jaquaia]

I've eaten and sipping water but it's an effort.

[Jaquaia]

I've only bloody caught up!!! And read an extra chapter from an old geography textbook which was relevant to my essay question! And still have 5 days before my essay is due!!!

[OldMike]

Woo hoo awesome (party)

[Paula]

I second Mike (party)

[Suzi]

I'm so proud of you! Well done lovely!

[magie06]

Excellent. Well done! (party)

[Angie]

Yay brilliant hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I'm not a happy bunny. My dad gave me a box of my books from out the shed and my copy of 'Jane Eyre' is damp and smells. And he's said that a much bigger box looked really damp. But of course, I'm not allowed to complain as it was my beloved sister who took them out of the loft and put them out there! I have a bag of paperwork slung all over too, which includes football programmes I'd kept :@

[magie06]

That would make me so angry. I understand your frustration. It happened to me years ago, when my dad decided that the leaky damp shed was a perfect place to store my porcelain doll collection. I found them by accident about a wet week later. I was so mad!!:@

[Jaquaia]

These have been out there a couple of years now because there's been nowhere else to put them.

[Suzi]

Oh no that's awful! Do you have space to dry them in your room? Can you put up some shelves to make yourself a library corner?

[Jaquaia]

Corner??? I need more then a corner!!! (giggle)

[OldMike]

A damp shed is certainly not the place to store books.

I know a library corner isn't enough, perhaps if you had four corners you'd end up with a library square (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

I have around a thousand books at a guess! There are 10 boxes in the shed and about 100 squeezed onto 2 shelves in my room ;)

[Suzi]

I've recently purchased a new cabinet for books lol......

[Jaquaia]

I need to sort out but need to do my essay first. Going in town with the parents tomorrow as need to get my glasses straightened! They've been married 35 years tomorrow, (god knows how!) so we all went out for a meal. Food was lovely, I ate too much but the dessert was worth it! Scarlett kept me entertained trying to steal food off my mum and sister. But all it's succeeded in doing is making me feel very alone and inadequate.

[Suzi]

You, my lovely, are very far from inadequate. I would be more than thrilled if my girls turn out half as lovely as you!
I can understand why it's made you feel lonely though -although I think Scarlett is one of the luckiest girls around to have you as an auntie.

[Jaquaia]

That's such a lovely thing to say! Thank you!

[Suzi]

It's honest. I would love to have someone as kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, witty, amazing as you as a daughter...

[Jaquaia]

I've never seen myself as any that, I'm just me. I'm really touched that you think about me like that :)

[Suzi]

Well I do and I'm always right.... So there!

[Jaquaia]

I think I'm just going to give up on today. Nothing seems to be going right :(

[magie06]

Take some time out, and regroup. You have shown time and time again that you can do this. Have something to eat and drink and maybe a little walk and see how you feel.

[Jaquaia]

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm tired of being treated as an afterthought.

[Suzi]

You are far from an afterthought here....

[OldMike]

You're an integral part of the DWD team here Jaq (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm probably overreacting but yesterday, we ended up paying for the parents meals. Not a problem! Except it seems my brother and sister had already sorted that out among themselves but neither of them bothered letting me know until the meals had been paid for. And then I was expected to pay an equal third of the bill despite being on my own and they had partners/the niece with them, plus they both earn a hell of a lot more then me. Neither of them considered that I may not have had the money with zero notice. But it's like that all the time. I only hear from them when they come and see the oldies or if I text them first and I'm tired of always being the one who has to make the effort.

[Angie]

Oh hunni have you spoken to them abut this x

[Jaquaia]

I've spoken to my mum and she's not hapy with them. And mentioned it to my dad, but nothing will get said as they just want an easy life. And if I said anything then I would just get accused of causing hassle.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I totally understand where you are coming from....

[Jaquaia]

Oh and went into town to get my glasses straightened except got to go back as they've managed to crack the anti-glare coating which it making things blurry. Not helpful when I'm very aware of the floaters in my eye today so it already looks like a web floating across my vision. Oh and Ash has popped up with a small guilt trip about having found and lost the person who made him happy but it will be ok as long as he gets to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) me again :(

[Angie]

Block him hunni

[Flo]

Someone get me a bucket!!.....what a sleaze bag!! In his dreams eh?!!

[Suzi]

Well isn't he poetic and romantic and stuff? That or a complete and utter twatfacedknob, I can't quite decide which...... not...

[Jaquaia]

J was angry about it, I told him straight away. It was just a really bad day yesterday and I didn't need it.

[OldMike]

Well isn't he poetic and romantic and stuff? That or a complete and utter twatfacedknob, I can't quite decide which...... not...

I've just learned a new word (rofl) *runs round the garden shouting "twatfacedknob"*

Jaq block Ash you don't need that sort of talk from anyone.

[magie06]

I bet you were raging along with him. That's just despicable. And to use that language too. Oh My God! Dirty, dirty mouth.
You are so well rid of that. (I won't insult the lovely gentlemen on here by calling him a man!) Oh God. :@

[Jaquaia]

I was more upset that that's all he thought I was worth considering he used to tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me...

[Angie]

I would be upset aswell hunni, you dont need that

[Suzi]

You are worth far more than him! I hope you've told him what you think and then blocked him?

[Jaquaia]

I was a coward and just ignored his last message.

[Angie]

Not a coward hunni if it were me I would block him from being able to contact me again, your worth so much more than being spoken to like that

[Jaquaia]

He knows about J so I don't have a clue why he thought I might say yes!

[Suzi]

Not a coward at all! Block him love, you don't need "that" in your life...

[Jaquaia]

Woohoo!!! Part 2 of my assignment done and posted on the forum. Part 3 won't take long as it's just a 10 word self-reflection. Then just a 1250 word essay to write by thursday lunch!

[Suzi]

Sounds like you're doing amazingly!!

[Jaquaia]

Finished part 3 but struggling with the main essay as my mood has divebombed...

[Suzi]

Do you know why?

[Jaquaia]

I have an idea. I'm giving up for tonight and going to go to bed. Since I've caught up I have that luxury

[Paula]

He knows about J so I don't have a clue why he thought I might say yes!

Because he’s a knobhead, because he thinks he’s God’s gift, because he wanting you to pine for him and is (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed that you’re not.

Have you blocked him yet?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't, I've just ignored his message. I just feel so much guilt still

[Paula]

You’ve done nothing to feel guilty about and, just turning to you for a romp in the hay after all this time? That’s disgusting, insulting and treating you like crap. Why do you think you owe this sort of man?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? I don't know. I think because I hurt him and he made such a huge thing out of it despite his own behaviour that I shouldered all the blame. It's what I'm used to, I did it with my sister too.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart Paula is right. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Block him.

[magie06]

I agree. You have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
How did you sleep last night?

[Jaquaia]

I didn't sleep amazingly well. I was still awake at 1 and woke up around 7.

I've just got back from my weightwise appointment and I've lost almost half a stone! (party)

[Suzi]

That's a huge loss! Well done love!!

Hope you're having an OK day hunni...

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding. My mask is firmly in place today, I wasn't even aware of it until Alex has just said I seem a lot more relaxed then my last appointment with him. I don't feel more relaxed! I'm pleased by how much I've lost though :)

[Suzi]

So you should be!
Sorry you're struggling today though lovely. Can you do something positive for you?

[magie06]

That's just amazing. Well done to you. I'm so pleased for you. You've been working so hard on yourself, you deserve the praise. (party)

[Jaquaia]

J has just popped round for hugs as he's struggling too at the moment. He calms me so much, my head always feels calm when I'm with him.

I'm just going to carry on with my essay today. Once that's done I can have a couple of days to myself.

[OldMike]

Congrats on the weight loss and catching up on your uni work you should be really proud of yourself for what you've achieved and rightly so.

[Paula]

(party) well done!

[Suzi]

So glad that you've seen J. Sorry that he's struggling too...

[Jaquaia]

We manage it ok when we're both struggling. We tend to focus on getting the other one through and it seems to work for us. He's a lot like me in that he can think logically for everyone but himself so we seem to have taken on that role for each other.

[Suzi]

I love that you are able to help each other lovely x

[Angie]

Well done on the weightloss hunni and also on the essay, am glad that J has been to visit and your helping each other

[Jaquaia]

I feel so sick at the moment. I'd forgotten about the nausea with these bloody meds. Only managed to eat the chips on my tea as they tasted bland.

[Suzi]

(panda) A friend swears by Belvita biscuits....

[Jaquaia]

We have ginger biscuits in so may go nick a couple. And maybe get round my dad for scrambled egg for tea if I feel like this tomorrow.

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I tell you what! Writing an essay when sitting up makes the nausea worse is bloody hard work!!!

[Suzi]

Oh no, can you lie and type? Do you not have any anti sickness meds?

[Jaquaia]

I can but it's slower and I have notes spread out everywhere which just makes sitting up easier as I can see them all. I'm going to go and get some fresh water before Angie starts throwing water bottles at me and see if something to eat will settle my stomach

[Suzi]

Lol about the water!

[Paula]

Hope it settles, hunni

[Jaquaia]

Lol about the water!

When she rang me the other week she actually threatened to chase me round the forum with water bottles! (rofl)


Hope it settles, hunni

Ginger biscuits has helped a bit.

[Angie]

I'm going to go and get some fresh water before Angie starts throwing water bottles at me and see if something to eat will settle my stomach

Lol Jaq there always at the ready :P(Kiss)

Suzi the other week I told Jaq that I would chase her round the forum with water bottles to make sure she was drinking enough, like I do you with the kippers (Kiss)

[Jaquaia]

Confession time...

I got in trouble off Alex today for not drinking. Think I had about half a litre yesterday, which is a lot by my standards!!! But he said I need to be more towards 2 litre...

[Paula]

Yes you do, I’m glad he’s told you! Why is it that you do t drink much? Do you forget or don’t you like to?

[Jaquaia]

I honestly don't know! Both me and my brother were like it as children, it drove my mum crazy! I tend to have nothing between taking my meds in a morning and teatime.

[Flo]

Hi love.....are you feeling any better today? Well done on your weight loss. It's no easy thing! Ginger is good for the tum. Good that you've managed the essay. You and J seem to be a good match. You can sort each other out. Most of the time lots of hugs and having the person you love beside you..or just being there....is the simplest way to keep you sane!!(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm feeling a little better but then I've not taken my meds yet. And just to add to the fun, I'm starting an increase with my metformin today...

J is brilliant. He has dealt with me at my lowest and never once thought of walking away. I would be completely lost without him now (inlove)

[Jaquaia]

I may be a little grumpy today...

Just received my methotrexate delivery and there is no logic to it whatsoever!! They sent me 8 injections but only 5 cotton balls, the maths doesn't quite work out!!! They sent me a box of gloves yet I don't use gloves. Why not ask that when they rang me to arrange it and save funds? Oh and each injection comes with an alcohol wipe yet they sent me a box of 100 alcohol wipes!? I don't get it! I know it will literally be a couple of quid but with the number of patients on methotrexate injections, surely that would soon add up?

[Suzi]

It's beyond me!

Have you got anything nice to look forward to?

[Jaquaia]

You mean other then finishing this bloody essay??? (giggle) I get to spend some time with J tomorrow :)

[magie06]

I hope the essay is almost finished. Thinking of you.

[Suzi]

Have you finished it yet? *ducks*

[Jaquaia]

Submitted it an hour ago :)

[Suzi]

Woohoo!!!! That's amazing! I'm so seriously proud of you!

[magie06]

Brainbox!! (nerd)

[Jaquaia]

Steady on magie! I need to get my marks back before we go that far! (giggle)

Just to take the shine off though... I've just opened 2 council tax bills for a place I lived in 4 years ago which I thought was paid. Why does dickhead always seem to follow me round? :(

[magie06]

Oh no! Unfortunately a bad smell lingers long after the event.

[OldMike]

Submitted it an hour ago :)

Wow that means you're totally up to date, go you (party)

[Suzi]

Steady on magie! I need to get my marks back before we go that far! (giggle)

Just to take the shine off though... I've just opened 2 council tax bills for a place I lived in 4 years ago which I thought was paid. Why does dickhead always seem to follow me round? :(
Bugger!

[OldMike]

^^^ what Suzi says.

Jaq have you talked to someone at CAB they might have some ideas as how to deal with these bills at most you should only have to pay half and if you've already given dickhead some money to pay the bills you shouldn't have to pay anything at all.

[Paula]

What Mike said ....

[Angie]

Please at least get some advice hunni and brilliant with the essay

[Jaquaia]

I'm in my pjs and relaxing with a film. I haven't taken any time for me like this in a long time.

[Suzi]

Good for you!!!

[magie06]

Hi, how are things?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired and feeling sick. Not even looking at my uni stuff today.

[Paula]

Good to hear (bear)

[Flo]

Give uni a rest for the weekend. You've been leading two peoples lives lately. Rest up...or try to!

[OldMike]

Leave uni work for a day or two you've earned a rest Jaq maybe do a bit of knitting or reading.

[Jaquaia]

I ended up falling asleep with J and have dozed for the last hour too, it's far more restful napping with him though. Got to go be sociable now though as my bro has just arrived

[Suzi]

Hope it hasn't been too bad being sociable..

[Jaquaia]

It's been ok. Not said much really, didn't want my tea but forced some of it down. I can escape soon at least.

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed to get to your sanctuary and are doing something positive for you lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I've ended up just laying on my bed listening to the radio. I meant to watch a film but can't be bothered

[Paula]

Listening to the radio sounds just what’s needed

[Suzi]

I love listening to the radio!
How are you this morning?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok mostly. Taken me a while to find the energy to move but been laid here texting J so not all bad :) feeling slightly nauseous and that's before I take my meds :(

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Day 6 of the increased dose... I may just hide in my room with a bucket ;( really hope it settles soon.

[Paula]

How long did it take when you first started taking them?

[Jaquaia]

About 2 weeks I think. It's also not helped by the fact I don't think the doctor has given me modified-release metformin. Gastro problems have been worse the past few days.

[Suzi]

Can you call your Dr on Monday? See if you can get them altered?

[Jaquaia]

I might give it a couple of weeks to give my body chance to adjust to the new dose as it could even by IBS.

[Paula]

I think if it took a couple of weeks to settle before, it’s wise to wait this time

[Jaquaia]

At least I should lose a bit more! My appetite is awful at the moment!

[Angie]

Hope things settle soon hunni (bear)

[Suzi]

Do try and eat little and often maybe?

[Jaquaia]

I've picked today and found it easier then full meals. I think a toddler could manage more then me at the moment!

[Paula]

How’s it going?

[Angie]

Morning hunni

[Jaquaia]

Ok I suppose. A bit lethargic today, only just had breakfast

[Suzi]

What's on your agenda for today?

[Jaquaia]

I went to visit my niece with my parents. Just heading home now. Think I might do some knitting for a bit.

[Suzi]

How's the scarf going?

[Jaquaia]

It's doubled in size so not too bad. I might leave it for tonight and watch a film once I've eaten.

[Suzi]

Just do whatever is going to be most beneficial to you!

[Jaquaia]

I've ended up settling down and watching Never Been Kissed. Having a bit of a wobble tonight so thought I'd watch one of my favourite films. Tomorrow I may indulge myself in a bit of Colin Firth in his Mr Darcy heyday.

[Paula]

Ooooo good plan! How are you feeling?

[Suzi]

Not seen Never been kissed - is it any good?

Hope today you are being kind to yourself...

[Jaquaia]

It's a teen comedy/romance. Drew Barrymore goes back to high school as an undercover reporter. I like it, I like the happpy ending.

I've spent the morning with J, he got here just gone half 9 and left about half an hour ago, so we've managed some quality time today. We both fell asleep too. When he wraps me in his arms I feel so safe and secure and loved. It's probably the only time I completely relax so I feel a lot more rested when I've napped with J then I do on my own itms? I may do this weeks reading and leave it at that.

[Paula]

It’s awesome how you’ve managed to catch up with uni work :)

[Jaquaia]

Only thing is I'm now obsessively checking my email to check if my grade is back!!!

[magie06]

Any email yet?

[Angie]

Aww glad you have some relaxation time today hunni

[Jaquaia]

No but they have 10 days to get our work marked and back to us. My tutor is usually pretty quick but he also teaches at Sheffield so will have assignments and exams to mark for there too.

[Suzi]

How did the reading go? Have you spent the rest of the time resting?

[Jaquaia]

I've only read a couple of pages and made a few notes. Anxiety is rocketing as my dads been a dick. I hate it when he's been drinking most of the day...

[Suzi]

Have you told him how it makes you feel?

[Jaquaia]

Tried before, gets me nowhere...

[Suzi]

I have some understanding as I used to dread Marc's dad. Depended on what he'd been drinking and how long for as to how he was..... I can't imagine what it's like not being able to escape it.

[Jaquaia]

Anxiety not being helped as J has been in an accident :( he's ok but getting checked out at minor injuries.

[Paula]

Oh hunni! Poor J (panda)

[Angie]

(panda) hunni, I hated my dads temper after he was drinking which was every day, quite often would slam out of the house for an hour no matter what time of day or night it was. So do understand

[Suzi]

Is J OK? What happened?

[Jaquaia]

He said he's ok, just shaken and his chest is tight but he doesn't know if it's anxiety or the airbag or both so he's getting checked out. He had the children with him too so they're getting looked over too. He doesn't want to but Cruella insisted and his dad won't let him leave. He lost concentration for a second and went into the back of a car. He reckons the car will be written off, only had it a few weeks. He told her he's tired and he told her he hates driving her car as he can't get a comfortable driving position but she refused to take it herself to get the brakes checked and gave him grief about not getting it sorted. I'm worried that once they're at home she's going to hit the roof with him :(

[Angie]

Oh hunni the main thing is that he and the children are ok

[Suzi]

Sweetheart you can't change what happens when he's at home no matter how much you want to. That is only down to him.

Glad he's not hurt though lovely x

[Paula]

I’m so glad they’re ok. Hunni, all you can do is be there for him and support him. And you do that so well

[Jaquaia]

Sweetheart you can't change what happens when he's at home no matter how much you want to. That is only down to him.

Glad he's not hurt though lovely x

I know. And he's slowly getting there.


Oh hunni the main thing is that he and the children are ok

That's what I've told him as he's already started beating himself up about it.

He's home now and been told to rest. Really hoping he does.

[Suzi]

As long as he and the children are in one piece, a car can be replaced....

[Jaquaia]

I think he was expecting a bigger reaction. Maybe the children being with him has encouraged her to act like a decent human being for once...

[Suzi]

Hmm... Wouldn't hold your breath....

[Jaquaia]

I'm not, but for his sake I hope so.

Feeling completely overwhelmed now and crying. I don't even know why, I know they're ok.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart it's only natural.... (panda)(bear)(panda)

[Paula]

After shock, lovely. And relief

[Jaquaia]

Colin Firth but not as I intended... I saw Mamma Mia was on and it would have been rude not to...

Saves me having to focus too. Just feel numb now.

[Suzi]

How are you doing today lovely?

[OldMike]

I'm glad J and his kids are okay, no wonder you were upset after you'd found he'd been in an accident, fortunately no serious injuries (panda)

[Paula]

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok I think. Been for my hair cutting this morning, first time since before christmas so had 3-4 inches off. Will wash and blow dry it later and it will feel so much better. Feeling a little agitated though...

[Suzi]

OO do we get pics?

How's the rest of the day gone?

[Jaquaia]

When it's washed and looking presentable...

I'm headachey and agitated and my sinuses are playing up, struggling to concentrate too. So not a great day really.

[magie06]

Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.

[Paula]

Have you taken any painkillers?

[Suzi]

Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.
Not heard that, but I'll try anything - bloody hayfever...

[OldMike]

Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.

Won't that give you brain freeze.

[Jaquaia]

Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.

I've never heard that before!


Have you taken any painkillers?

I haven't. I try and avoid them if I can if it's only vaguely headachey and just drink a bit more.

[Suzi]

How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

Better now I've seen J (inlove) He popped to see me briefly last night, his stomach is purple from the seatbelt :( but I've physically seen he's ok so I feel a lot better about it. And I get him for a couple of hours before work too so yay! I may be able to study better.

[Angie]

Glad that your less anxious now you have seen him hunni

[Suzi]

So glad you've seen that he's OK lovely... Enjoy your time with him later

[Jaquaia]

It was lovely just being able to cuddle up with him (inlove)

I've got my grade back! 85!!! I'm really happy with that as the work is getting so much harder and my tutor seems pleased with it too. I have a few things to focus on for my next assignment but I'm so pleased!

I've even enrolled in my next module, 'Investigating Psychology' and when I clicked through to start my loan application, discovered it's already been approved!!!

[magie06]

That's wonderful. Well done you. You really are doing so well.

[Flo]

Well done Jaq....clever old thing you!!(clap)

[OldMike]

That's brilliant Jaq (party)

[Jaquaia]

I was just better prepared this time :)

[Paula]

That’s fantastic news!

[Angie]

Awww brilliant hunni well done

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! I'm thrilled for you!