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View Full Version : Contemplating a doctor visit *SU*



Foxtail87
12-12-17, 05:29 PM
Hello - I am new here

It's been a very long time since I last considered professional help but I no longer know where to turn. I've felt miserable for as long as I can remember but at least coped to a degree.

It's all very scary right now; dwelling on stuff incessantly and attempting to curb my thoughts away from nasty things with limited success.

I genuinely feel like I am edging closer to the edge and I don't know what will happen when I get there. The last time things got this bad I opted for an exit strategy and left many people, who I love dearly, terribly hurt and worried. I'd like to think that I wouldn't go that far again, but this time around it's even worse. The worst I've ever felt in my life. Why can't I just function? Why is my brain so corrupted?

I think it's a wise idea to speak to my GP... I know they will likely throw some pills at me but that has never worked. If I truly put across how desperate I am I'm worried that they'll section me and I can't have that :(

I know things are beginning to turn savage like before as I had to take a break at work and go for a stroll in the freezingness. Anxiety, hopelessness and grief intensified to a state of panic. I start hearing whispers in my head and everything gets fuzzy; static in my ears, my stomach in knots, trembling all over. Deeply unpleasant.

It's a horrible thing to say, let alone feel, but I sincerely hope that I don't wake up tomorrow morning.

Jaquaia
12-12-17, 05:42 PM
Hi and welcome. It definitely sounds like seeing a gp will be a good idea. There are quite a few different ADs they can try you on, with a lot of people it's a case of trial and error to find one, or even a combination that helps. They can also refer you to a specialist or for counselling.

Paula
12-12-17, 05:43 PM
A visit to the doctor is the only way you can fully access help and support so please, please make an urgent appointment. If you canít get to the doctors straight away and youre in danger, please get yourself to hospital and/or call Samaritans (if youíre in uk or Ireland) or one 9f the worldwide helplines available - weíve listed those helplines http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?14280-Mental-Health-Helpliness-Worldwide and http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?14278-Samaritans-UK-amp-Ireland

Please tell your friends and family how youíre feeling and accept the support they can give you. Iíd hope, from the way they reacted before, that you know they love you and want to help you

Foxtail87
12-12-17, 05:50 PM
To be honest the idea of dragging other people into my mess isn't appealing at all : / Things are quite stressful at home right now as it is, the last I want to do is add to that.

I plan on making an appt tomorrow evening after work but I'm not optimistic and I don't know what to say. All I can do for now is try to sleep.

Paula
12-12-17, 06:21 PM
Can I suggest you print out the posts youíve made here to give to your doctor? It will help start the conversation

Foxtail87
12-12-17, 06:31 PM
Paula - that is actually a good idea. Thank you.

Paula
12-12-17, 07:11 PM
It occasionally happens ;)

Suzi
12-12-17, 07:41 PM
Paula often has great ideas - don't let her modesty put you off!

Definitely print out your posts and take them with you - or you can just write out a bullet point list.
Why don't you want to talk to anyone around you about how you are feeling?

Foxtail87
12-12-17, 08:10 PM
Why don't you want to talk to anyone around you about how you are feeling?

It's extremely difficult. I wish I wasn't living at home - too much front and falseness. I suppose it's good in a way because it lessons the potential of doing something very stupid, but makes it harder overall. On separate occasions since Saturday I have dismantled and immediately threw away 2 disposable razors; it's as bad as it can get in that regard. Were I on my own I would've probably put myself in A&E by this point.

Suzi
12-12-17, 08:40 PM
I'm glad you threw them away. I promise you that making that decision to hurt yourself isn't the best way to deal with what is a temporary situation. You can get through this.

Foxtail87
12-12-17, 09:47 PM
I agree entirely, it is the most horrible and antithetical form of self-medication. I still feel driven to it though when I'm struggling to cope. To be honest it, I don't know if I'm strong enough to abstain from these things completely if my condition disintegrates further, but I will relay this information to my GP tomorrow.

Suzi
13-12-17, 08:01 AM
Hope it goes well with your GP today.

Paula
13-12-17, 01:30 PM
Thinking of you today

JamieW
13-12-17, 01:53 PM
Hope your appointment went / goes ok ... we're here to vent at :)

Foxtail87
13-12-17, 06:49 PM
Thank you all. Unfortunately I left it too late at work and will have to try to book tomorrow :( It was another very horrible day and was dominated by lots of bad thoughts. At lunchtime I felt scared about going home but find that now I'm here all I want to do is sleep and be unconscious for as long as possible. Permanent unconsciousness would be preferable.

Suzi
13-12-17, 07:43 PM
Sorry that you didn't get that appointment - can you try again tomorrow?
Sweetheart I do believe you need to try to prioritise getting that appointment because you deserve so much to be happy.

Foxtail87
13-12-17, 08:55 PM
I will try again tomorrow. I couldn't sleep because when I closed my eyes everything felt very intense and overwhelming. I went for a short walk, but it didn't help very much.

There is a strong urge to cut or burn myself as I know from past experience that it can make it go away, albeit temporarily. Struggling to not act on that impulse. Really struggling.

Paula
13-12-17, 09:00 PM
Please try, I know itís a coping method but it really isnít a healthy one. We have a section on distraction techniques. Could you please take a look through as you may find something that helps http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?249-Distraction-Techniques&highlight=Distraction

Itís so important you get that appointment - perhaps itís necessary to take some sick leave?

Foxtail87
13-12-17, 09:25 PM
Humm :( Maybe. I'd feel even more terrible for letting people down though it's crazy this time of year and everyone is working so hard.

I will definitely do my best to get in after work.

Foxtail87
13-12-17, 09:45 PM
I am a f**king idiot.

Paula
13-12-17, 10:02 PM
First, your health should be your first priority. Second, why are you an idiot?

Foxtail87
13-12-17, 10:13 PM
Got myself worked up very quickly and impulsively did something. Makes me worse in a different way. I can NOT revert back to those behaviours :( I don't know what to do. If I let this continue then i'll be heading to crisis town. I'd do anything for 30mg of valium right now :/

Suzi
14-12-17, 09:25 AM
I really hope that you've cleaned and dressed the wound properly and that you've managed to get a Drs appointment.
Sweetheart taking some sick leave now (if you need it) really might be better than trying to hang on in there and ending up in a worse state and having to take much longer off.

Foxtail87
14-12-17, 06:55 PM
Couldn't get in :( Managed to get through after being on hold for ages and being told that they were fully booked, try again tomorrow. So I will :/

I did feel a bit more relaxed in the afternoon which was nice but it was rather fleeting. I confided in a colleague at the smoking hut and had a bit of a meltdown. Had to reel myself in because I was starting to properly lose it.

I will take a day off on Monday if I can't get an appt tomorrow.


I really hope that you've cleaned and dressed the wound properly

I didn't really no and had an awful experience when getting out of bed clothes in the morning. Doesn't really dissuade me from doing it again though, been here before many times. Just have to struggle through another evening and hopefully get to bed without injury.

Hate it

Suzi
14-12-17, 08:47 PM
Oh sweetheart (bear)(bear) Have you cleaned and dressed it now? Don't forget you can always go to A+E if you aren't feeling safe.

Paula
14-12-17, 09:21 PM
How are you now, lovely? Is the wound cleaned? Sweetheart I get it re the SH but you need to find a way to ease the pain without hurting yourself. Did you have any hobbies or interests that youíve stopped doing because youíre not well?is there anyway way you could try to distract from the pain by starting up these hobbies again? I do cross stitch which is really absorbing and takes my focus away from my brain running away with me. Or I binge watch TV (mainly crime dramas) or I read my Bible. Itís so hard picking these things up when Iím struggling but theyíre so worth the effort and does keep me away from the SH. Is there anything you can do instead?

Foxtail87
14-12-17, 11:31 PM
Thank you Suzi & Paula. I'm very glad I decided to transparently open up on this forum, I've never really been able to just divulge the intricacies of how I feel without holding back (due to shame, fear of judgement etc... still difficult even online)

The past few weeks I've wanted to do nothing but sleep, cry and bleed. The sense of worthlessness and despair is overwhelming me. I fantasise about suicide like someone getting excited for an upcoming vacation, how awesome it'll be when they get there and leave the mundanity behind. The love of my family prevents me from ever doing that (again) though, so no such holiday for me. Sometimes I wish, very horribly, that I didn't have such a nice Mum and Dad, caring friends etc so those chains didn't exist. I believe 100% that I wouldn't be here if that were the case.

In the absence of medication, prescribed or otherwise, distraction is probably the only viable thing I could do turn my thoughts away the above. It's difficult to maintain for any decent length of time though like a spinning top that inevitably defaults to motionless.

Honestly - very nearly called a friend who drives a taxi to take me to the hospital but managed to fall asleep for a few hours. I woke up a few minutes ago and feel less inclined to indulge in anything unpleasant. Going to get a glass of milk and try and sleep again until the morning. Another day done :/

Suzi
15-12-17, 08:11 AM
Hope today is even slightly brighter for you. Hope you manage to get a Dr's appointment today. Please tell them it's urgent.

Foxtail87
15-12-17, 07:10 PM
My day was not good and I think people have started to notice I'm not alright. However, I've not long got back from the GP...

Explained the situation as best as I could. He will arrange for me to speak with the crisis team next week and I need to go back after 10 days as a follow up.

He prescribed me Mirtazapine which I haven't had before so I i'm just hoping it doesn't make me worse. I explained the sensations of skirting around psychosis and he admitted that, due to my history, there is a possibility that they might detain me under section 63 if it an 'incident' occurred so I am hoping that won't be the case. I don't see why it should be a major thing though because the last time I got sectioned I was 20 (10 years ago!) so it's not like i'm regularly losing control. Hmm.

He was extremely concerned about the self-harm (hence the crisis team visit next week) and apparently if I present at A&E as a result of this they could technically, if sufficiently concerned, use a Sec 63 for that as well? Seems a bit excessive and just worries me more tbh.

I am hoping that, going forward, things will be improve. Thinking about future happenings though just makes me anxious.

Paula
15-12-17, 08:11 PM
Mirtazapine is great and really helped me. Itís also a sedative so will help you sleep and hopefully keep you calmer. Hunni, donít let the fear of sectioning put you off going to a&e or back to the GP if you need to, if the doctor felt you were near that ill he wouldnít be waiting 10 days to see you again

Suzi
15-12-17, 08:27 PM
I completely agree with Paula. If he was overly concerned that you were at risk of suicide then he wouldn't be waiting to get the crisis team involved or waiting 10 days to see you..

Foxtail87
15-12-17, 08:46 PM
That makes sense yes I'm just over thinking things as usual - I confess that it was me that brought up all the Sec 63 stuff in the first place so he was obligated to inform.

Good to hear that you had a positive experience Paula, pleeaaaseee work for me also magic tablets :s

Suzi
15-12-17, 09:08 PM
Sweetheart I hope they help - remember though they take around 4 weeks to get into your system, so hang on in there..

Foxtail87
15-12-17, 09:51 PM
4 weeks is a long time :( The past 5 days have felt like a living nightmare and it's still on-going so I don't know how this is going to work

Paula
16-12-17, 10:19 AM
One day at a time, lovely, thatís how you do it

Suzi
16-12-17, 11:29 AM
Or hour by hour if you need to! You will get through it. Keep talking lovely.

Foxtail87
16-12-17, 12:20 PM
Damn that first dose knocked me out cold. Feel very sluggish this morning. Feel slightly more anxious but that's to be expected for the first 2 weeks. Hmm.

Have to go shopping for xmas gifts but soo don't want to. The town is evil here.

Paula
16-12-17, 01:49 PM
Your body should adjust to the sluggishness, itíll pass

Suzi
16-12-17, 03:08 PM
I agree it should pass lovely.
You could always shop online if you really can't handle the town?

magie06
16-12-17, 03:36 PM
Can you do your shopping at a different time. Weekends can be crazy and Monday mornings seem much quieter. I understand if you have to work or that, but one half hour on a Monday morning could be a lot better than 3 or 4 hours at the weekends.

Foxtail87
17-12-17, 06:01 PM
I got most of it done! Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to be honest.

I am actually feeling a slight reprieve from nastiness at the minute, not massively but enough to make a difference in my mood. Yaying for that.

Just bought my first car.. (very cute black Nissan micra) so second yayings.... there's even THIRD YAYINGS as I've finally figured out the next melody of a song I'm working on that had me stumped for ages :)

Back to work tomorrow though, so I am really hoping that it goes well

Paula
17-12-17, 06:03 PM
What a lovely post :)

Suzi
17-12-17, 06:53 PM
So fabulous! Well done! :)

Foxtail87
19-12-17, 12:51 AM
I very nearly had a breakdown at work today. Colleagues were ready to call an ambulance but I begged them not to because I know they will put me on a unit or something. It's likely that I am being monitored right now they are just waiting for the opportunity to lock me up.

I was determined, in my mind at one point, that I would swallow as many pills as I could find tonight and just finish it because I am done. No fight left.

I haven't done this obviously but today was just wild. It all feels somewhat surreal now because I have calmed down massively in that regard but feel worse in a way. I feel like I could be the most repulsive person alive.

I genuinely hate life right now. I wish I could apply for some kind of euthanasia like they can in Belgium. I would seriously pursue it. I don't live a life, I just squirm and writhe about like a disgusting, worm-like creature.

What gifts will tomorrow bestow upon me? Can't wait. Such fun.

Supposed to pick up my car but I am holding off on that, I am afraid I will do something stupid in it.

ARghsdgh. Sleep. Wake up. Tomorrow may be different. It's the only positive thing I can think right now. Sorry for rubbish update

Paula
19-12-17, 09:04 AM
Hunni, no one will be waiting for the opportunity to Ďlock you upí, not least because they just donít have the beds available to section people except as an absolute, last, last, last resort. Also, itís not about locking people up, itís about getting someone into hospital so they can have access to the acute care they need.

Saying that, sweetheart you really need to see your doctor again urgently - please call and get an appointment today.

Suzi
19-12-17, 09:30 AM
I completely agree with Paula. They don't section people easily, and I completely agree that seeing you/a doctor right now is essentinal.

Foxtail87
28-12-17, 08:08 PM
Thought I'd give a small update as I went from posting daily to not at all. Very typical of me.

Had a few moments. More self-harm. Another meltdown at work; HR are now involved. Yay. /s

I did go back to my GP and he increased the Mirtazapine to 30mg because I felt that I was getting some benefit despite being relatively new to it (possible placebo, but does it matter?)

I haven't really had many moments where I'm not feeling suicidally awful but I am doing my best to look forward. Definitely easier said than done though. I feel very unenthusiastic in my self-imposed optimism, however. My honest feeling is more akin to being tired of life and wishing it was over. A lot of dark thoughts emanating from that. Mostly stuff like, fantasizing about being run over / murdered, being diagnosed with terminal illness etc... so that way I could die without the guilt of self-termination and how easier that would be on others (ultimately). Making an effort to not dwell on these ideas though.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas - I nommed a mountain of food and feel super fat. Mean food. I blame the Mirtazapine, definitely not the fault of my Mother's wonderful portioning.

Suzi
28-12-17, 09:33 PM
Have you been honest with your GP about your suicidal thoughts? Do you have access to the crisis team?
It's good to see you..

Foxtail87
28-12-17, 10:11 PM
Probably not no-holds-barred honesty, no. Because I don't want an intervention and I don't want to be put on a unit (again).

I do have access to the crisis team which I have met, another meeting to be scheduled in the new year. I will also register as an out-patient at the nearest place sometime soon, although I am wary of doing so.

magie06
28-12-17, 10:35 PM
That first step is really the most difficult. It is scary to get in contact with those who can help. I felt like I was a failure when I first went to my doctor and asked for help. I didn't realise then that she really didn't know what was going on in my head and I really had to sit down and tell her. That was too difficult for me so I wrote it all down. I explained in my note that I wasn't sleeping, was having trouble doing things for myself, like showering and eating, and the main thing that I wasn't coping as a mother and I was going to hurt my little girl. I'm so lucky that I didn't have to wait long for an appointment with the psychariatist, and they got me started on treatment almost straight away. Unfortunately, I had a spell in hospital but I got better and got home again. I still receive treatment and help when I need it and I can make an appointment at any time for my GP and I can get an appointment with someone from the psychiatric team at short notice (usually about a week).
Just because you've taken that first step doesn't automatically mean that you will have a stay in hospital. The beds are very scarce and they really try to treat at home now, so please don't be afraid to take that first step. Make that appointment to register as an out-patient and good luck.

Suzi
29-12-17, 10:07 AM
That's a brilliant post from Magie - thank you for putting down everything as you have.

I really think if you are at risk of hurting yourself then call the crisis team - if you don't call them then they can't help.... The same with your Dr.