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JustEM
20-07-17, 05:39 PM
*SH SU Triggers*

Hello lovely people. Again, I know.

Sorry I keep posting. I feel very alone and don't have an outlet. It's been so helpful talking with those who understand. Thanks in advance for actually reading this.

I met with the occupational therapist from the community mental health team yesterday. I've seen her twice previously and both times left the sessions feeling deflated and honestly much worse. I thought this was due to having to go to the community mental health centre... there's just something really stuffy and depressing about this place and it felt triggering for me... so this week I asked if she could instead come to my house. She did.

But after our session, I still felt a lot worse. I didn't go to work (I was going to go before the session and had got ready in advance and packed my bag etc. and even straightened my hair to look nicer and boost the old mood), I spent all day in bed and I had very scary and suicidal thoughts (first time they were this bad) last night. This morning, the thoughts returned within ten minutes of waking, so I went back to bed all morning and dozed and escaped in sleep, lost control and self-harmed by smacking my body and my head (a bad habit I haven't done for a couple of months), I didn't go to work again and now it's 5pm and I'm back in bed feeling empty, deflated and exhausted. I did shower and make it out to see my CBT therapist in between, though. She helped as she always does, but the usual mood boost I get from seeing her is still lacking.

Basically, this is what triggered it. The OT weighed me yesterday as she does weekly. The scales showed that I had gained an unlikely amount of weight. I say unlikely because it was an amount that would be surprising to gain in a month and I've actually eaten less and done more all week so whilst a fluctuation higher or lower would make sense, this increase didn't. My therapist today even said it was probably wrong because she said I look like I've lost weight!

Anyways, the OT was happy with this. She said had I lost weight, she was going to give me one more week and then refer me back to the eating disorder team. (Um, cheers for keeping me in the loop with this by the way!) So if this week the scales read a certain number.... I don't need to be referred. But if next week they read a different number, I may need to be referred. So... how worthy and deserving I am for more support is measured in a number on the scales? And that's a scales that a loose part actually fell off of when the OT took them out of her bag...? So the fact that I starve myself and punish myself and have suicidal thoughts and can't function properly only matters when those numbers go down, hey? WOW. What kind of university degree they must have to do to come up with that solution is bloody beyond me. I thought it was better to catch eating disorders and mental health problems before they got out of control? Apparently not. The same happened when I was seventeen and relapsed seriously with anorexia. I got to the point where the doctors told me my heart would stop within six months before anyone rubbed the boredom out of their eyes and noticed something was up with me.

I asked the OT if I could access any more help. She said I'm not at crisis point and reading between the lines of all her 'um-ing and are-ing', again I have to get WORSE before I deserve any more help. Super duper news.

I'm sorry to sound ungrateful and like I'm calling everyone over, because some mental health professionals are honestly fantastic. The CMHT aren't doing anything wrong... they just do the job and that's about it. Nobody seems to care. I could literally discharge myself from the services and nobody would bat an eyelid. Guess recovery really does have to come from within.

I'm due to see this OT next week, too. I don't know if I can even be bothered to be honest. I'm not getting weighed. I refuse. Not because I'm worried about gaining weight or feeling fat or being referred to the eating disorder service but because I VALUE MYSELF and I KNOW my worth is more than what a number on the scales reads. Shouldn't it be the MH Team telling the patients that and, erm, not the other way around?!

I think tomorrow my mood will be on the rise. I bloody hope so anyways, and I've been cutting out things that are making it worse, so I don't know what to do about this OT again.

Also, the OT, ED team and my CBT therapist have all suggested AD meds again, but I've had two VERY bad experiences on different meds and I'm reluctant to try again. I take Kalms and the night Kalms and have actually slept better all week which is great. I just don't want to take any medication.

Amaya
20-07-17, 05:48 PM
No need to say sorry. Posting is a good thing.

I seem to be reading this a lot.. that if you are not in such a point of absolute crisis then you don't get the help you need. But this is how people get in to a crisis surely, from not having enough help soon enough. Crazy. I hope someone gives you the support you need.

Bit of a random question maybe, but are you getting any exercise? It can have an antidepressant effect, help with regulating eating whether that needs to be more or less, and get rid of the hormones that build up and contribute to the impulses to selfharm. I have done similar in the past and sometimes just going out for a walk helps me to stop doing those things now. I am not always in a good enough state of mind to go outside of course, but sometimes it helps. When it can.

Paula
20-07-17, 05:52 PM
(panda) I'm sorry things are so bad, lovely. I have to say, the reason people keep recommending ADs are because they really do work, once the right med or meds are found for you. It took me a bit of trial and error before the right combination for me was found. Please don't rule them out yet, hunni ...

If you're in crisis, love, please call the Samaritans (tel 116 123) or go to your nearest A&E. and, if you're not happy with the support being offered to you, can you please call your GP/pdoc for an urgent appointment and talk things through

JustEM
20-07-17, 05:52 PM
Hey EmmyRed,

Thanks for your post.

You're totally right, surely MORE help will prevent crisis....

I am, yeah. I walk a lot. I find it boosts my mood to be out in nature and sometimes I blast my feel-good music as I go. I don't do anything else though like the gym or whatever. I used to swim and enjoyed that, but I did it to death and got bored. I know this sounds stupid but the pool water I swear became much colder and I just wasn't enjoying the experience anymore!

I always make sure I go out for a wander at least somewhere every day though.

Amaya
20-07-17, 05:57 PM
Maybe this is a silly question, but what is an ED team?

JustEM
20-07-17, 05:58 PM
Thanks, Paula.

It may be worth trying another type. Clomipramine was awful. The side effects were vile... like, I was frothing at the mouth and everything haha! And mirtazapine initially felt fantastic but became really bad... so much so that the people around me urged me to come off it. I was so panicky and anxious and scared on that.

The GP who prescribed me these meds was really indifferent, too. But my current GP is fantastic. She always gives me enough time to speak, you know? I'm worried about gaining weight on AD's though... that would just tip me over the edge, like!

I was thinking of calling the helplines... each time I've tried I've either not got through or hung up. They might help, though. I was able to tell my mother who I live with how bad I was feeling last night. Not to alarm her, but so that she knew where I was at. And it helped me, too.

Thanks Paula (panda) I'm glad you've been able to find the right meds for you xx

JustEM
20-07-17, 05:59 PM
Not a silly question at all.

Eating Disorder Team. Sorry, I should have said that! :)

Amaya
20-07-17, 06:17 PM
I am no expert on anything, and especially not with eating disorders.. but you say for you it is about control. So my question would be what are you trying to control? Maybe if that can be helped, then your relation to food can begin to normalise by itself. Maybe focusing on it as an issue with food is the wrong way around? Just make sure you always drink plenty!

JustEM
20-07-17, 06:38 PM
It is, yes! (nod)

I experienced a failure last year and lost complete direction in my life. I was utterly devastated. I kept trying to re-direct my life and regain a focus but nothing was coming together and it felt like set-back after set-back.

Then I just gave up and things got worse. I lost my fight, I became more socially isolated... and the future and the present both looked hopeless.

My life feels out of control now and I guess by not eating, I'm controlling something. It's also a form of self-punishment and is mood-related.

The CBT sessions are helping. I'm supposed to be going on a big exciting venture travelling in six weeks... and potentially I may be travelling with a friend instead in just three weeks' time. I know it seems a little crazy maybe, but I feel I really have nothing to lose. It's like a make or break situation.

I do drink plenty, actually! Maybe a little too much caffeine, but tea makes everything better. ;)

Suzi
20-07-17, 09:47 PM
(bear) Sweetheart you can get through this..

JustEM
20-07-17, 10:13 PM
Thanks Suzi (bear)
Good days and bad days, eh? X

Suzi
21-07-17, 08:04 AM
Yup.. I know that's hard, but it is as it is...

JustEM
21-07-17, 08:48 PM
Yup! Much better day today though and the old mood is back on the up!
Just gotta work extra super duper hard to keep it that way now!!
Have a lovely weekend x

Paula
21-07-17, 09:36 PM
Good to hear, lovely

Suzi
22-07-17, 12:36 PM
Well done hunni ;)

JustEM
22-07-17, 10:59 PM
Thanks both! Saturday night now and still smiling! Thanks for being so nice and encouraging!
Hope you're both doing well
:) xxx

JustEM
25-07-17, 07:32 PM
Bit of an update...

So after my rant about the OT and the CMHT not caring about me etc. .... Today, I had an unexpected call from the eating disorder team. I missed the initial calls but when I called her back she said 'Im so glad to hear from you!!' and said how much she wanted me to stop having to struggle and to be well.

I really clicked with this lady when I met her at the initial assessment and silently wanted to work with her, but when we're not well it's not always easy to ask for help. I was too proud and afraid and felt I wasn't 'ill enough' to deserve it.

So she's coming tomorrow morning for a home visit. She doesn't want me to 'go under' and wants me to be able to achieve my goal of going to India in five weeks' time!!

It felt like a relief speaking to her. When I got off the phone, I felt like crying. I think it was just a massive relief knowing that someone who knows how to help cares about me. Showed me how low my self esteem is and how great my need to be loved is too.

And it was the OT (who I had predominantly ranted about) who contacted the ED Team in her concern. So it's nice to see they do actually want me to get better.

Onwards and upwards for tomorrow, then!

Paula
25-07-17, 07:41 PM
That's wonderful news, hunni, I'm so pleased :)

JustEM
25-07-17, 07:44 PM
Thanks Paula,
Yeah! I'm really pleased about it, too! x

JustEM
25-07-17, 07:45 PM
Will let you know how it goes!!

Suzi
25-07-17, 10:16 PM
Hunni that's a great development and it bought tears to my eyes! You are cared about lovely...

JustEM
26-07-17, 02:11 PM
Aw thanks Suzi!

I had the appointment today. I really like the therapist. She's going to see me three times a week at home so I'll feel more supported now. I'm now under the eating disorder service but it's okay because I don't have to go to any anorexic clinic or whatever which can feel triggering and just generally not great. She wants to keep me out of hospital and enable me to go to India I don't see things as serious as she's saying they are, so maybe its a bit of a reality check?

Also, I'm looking into AD meds that I went on six years ago that really worked for me so hopefully that will help, too.

So it was a positive session, but after therapy I always find it so hard to go into work and function and cope. I went to work but had to leave just half hour later. A staff member was nagging at me a bit and it all felt a bit secondary in comparison to what I'd just been addressing with a therapist moments before!

So hopefully I'll be able to make it in and have another crack at work tomorrow.

Hope you're having a good day today x

Suzi
26-07-17, 02:58 PM
Well done for that appointment. It's great that you're having 3 sessions a week and that she's trying to keep you out of hospital.Working after therapy is so hard. Really you need to have time to just absorb what you've been through and then just be kind to yourself.

JustEM
26-07-17, 03:08 PM
Yeah, I need it as my support network around me is a bit limited. That's right, I'll try and arrange appointments so that they're not just before work in future! Fortunately my employers are really supportive. On a good day, I give 110% but on a bad day I have nothing to give... Like I said, I will try again tomorrow!

Paula
26-07-17, 04:07 PM
You're doing fantastically well - you put me to shame tbh ;)

JustEM
26-07-17, 04:18 PM
Not at all, Paula!! :) We are all in this fight together!!
Thanks for always being so encouraging! (panda) xx

Suzi
26-07-17, 09:25 PM
I'm loving how positive you seem to be!!

JustEM
27-07-17, 03:26 PM
Thanks Suzi. I do try my best!
Guess we've just got to keep going, hey?

I've just come from a very productive CBT session and have lots of therapy tasks to keep me busy until next week! It was good to really focus on tackling this depression!

But now I'm at work again in half hour or so which I feel slightly apprehensive about as it's hard to put up a front when you don't feel so great inside so I'm savouring sitting in the sunshine before it's time to go in and I'll try to fake it til I make it!

Suzi
27-07-17, 05:15 PM
All we can do really is to keep on trying our best and doing the best we can do on any given day to the best of our ability ;) That's my mantra! :)

JustEM
27-07-17, 06:53 PM
Love the mantra! (happy) It's so true, too!

I wasn't able to cope at work. To be honest, my heart's set on recovery and getting to India which is a reality now for me. I work in a fish and chip cafe and it's nice but bagging up chips isn't a priority for me tonight at this moment!

So I faced my employers, told them I have some health problems, and they're willing to let me try again with some shifts on the weekend. I'm having a productive night really focusing on my therapy tasks and trying out an eating disorder online support group for the first time.

Today, that has been the best I can do. Maybe tomorrow, the best I can do is to go to work and bag up a hundred bags of chips with a smile on my face haha ;)

Thanks for the mantra!

Hope you've had a good day xx

Paula
27-07-17, 06:57 PM
Well done for talking to your employers, hunni

JustEM
27-07-17, 07:00 PM
Thanks Paula. :)
People can really surprise us. Mostly people are so supportive and understanding!
Hope you've had a good day today? x

Suzi
27-07-17, 10:08 PM
That must be so hard having fought an ED and being faced with fish and chips everyday... You're made of tough stuff love. Well done for talking to your employers! You should be proud of yourself.

JustEM
28-07-17, 03:15 PM
Thanks Suzi :) Need to put my mental health and well being first. Hey, don't we all? (happy)

JustEM
03-08-17, 06:10 PM
Ugh. Another set back today. Feeling pretty (swear)(swear)ty as a consequence.

I've been on a real high this last week, have been doing lots of things I really enjoy and working so hard on my therapy. Anyways, found out today that there's been a massive mess up with my visa that puts me £450 down. I've basically chucked that money to the Indian embassy for nothing and I'm not exactly in a place to be throwing five pound notes around, let alone hundreds of pounds!! Also got rejected for a bursary after being given the impression I was going to get it which means I also don't have enough money to stay there long-term and I've used all other fundraising methods so long-term volunteering in India is not to be an option for me any longer in the near future.

I was gutted and angry more than anything. Had a mad urge to self harm but shouted a load of expletives instead which seemed to do the trick. Contacted my support team and now I'm aimlessly walking off the rage.

Feel like I am right back at square one AGAIN. I hate square one.

I've got friends visiting the UK for the first time coming from America tomorrow to stay with me for a week. Everything is ready for them and I've spent all day today pre-(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) news baking for them. They know I've been ill and they did invite themselves to stay with me actually and we have a great week planned, but to be honest I already feel like I can't wait for the 10th August to come when they go back home so that I can just BREATHE!!!

I still want to take a short 1-2 week trip to India on my current visa if possible because I need peace and closure with my feelings of failure around my experience there last year, and then I guess I need to really start sorting my life out by establishing what I want out of life locally. I have the MH support around me to do that now whereas I didn't when I was trying to settle down, get a real job and move out last year. I just feel like I've wasted so much time between then and now.

Guess life will just keep dealing (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) sometimes and I've got to choose to deal with it until the next load comes at me or lie under it and wallow. Thankfully, I no longer lie under things, but I just feel so exhausted with it all.

Suzi
03-08-17, 06:25 PM
Oh hunni, I'm sorry it's not worked out well - can you call them and change things around with regard to your visa?

JustEM
03-08-17, 07:29 PM
Yeah... It was a bit of a blow. I've decided I'm going to cancel my visa application when I get home tonight. I will lose the money either way. It's their policy. Seems unfair but there's nothing I can do about it.

This leaves me two options. One, take a short trip to Calcutta for 1-2 weeks on my current tourist visa that expires at the end of this month. At least I would then be able to make the peace I need to make during that time so I can just move on. I could also really do with a holiday after this last year haha! Then I could come back, re group, and settle down at home establishing what I want out of life here locally.

Otherwise, I could get another visa and fly out for a few months maximum but I won't get away from the fact that I will again have to return to square one back home and start over.

There are a lot of work, Church-based and voluntary opportunities in my nearby city centre open to me that I know I could immerse myself into and enjoy. For example, last year I got an interview for an apprenticeship at a lovely little nursery. It wasn't the right time then but after this news today I contacted the manager as the same position is again available and she was happy for me to re submit my application. It's for a September start...

Suzi
03-08-17, 08:56 PM
It sounds like you've loads of options available to you.

JustEM
03-08-17, 09:06 PM
Yeah. Bit of a setback but it's about learning how to bounce back from them.

Feeling a lot more positive tonight and accepting of it all. One foot in front of the other as always.

AndThisTooMustPass
03-08-17, 11:34 PM
(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) news Em. I'm gutted for you but I am massively impressed with how you are responding. You never cease to impress me. Sorry you are getting stressed over your friends visiting, I'm sure there will be so many positives that the stresses will melt away once they arrive.

The holiday sounds great! You are right, you really deserve it.

JustEM
04-08-17, 12:33 AM
Thanks hun :)

I was gutted too but a few too many expletives, an angry walk in the rain and a good old fashioned cry and I feel better about it. Flights will always ever cost a bomb to go to India so after looking into that tonight, I've just realised that I would spend practically all my own savings on a two-week trip just to make peace in my heart. So I think instead, I'm just really going to work on letting this go. Accept it and move on!

Thanks for your kind words. With setbacks, I always feel they propel me forward even though they can hurt like hell. Step by step, I can get things back on track. Baby steps, yeah?

I'm going to go day by day with my friends. You're right that there will be more positives than stresses. I'll start with today! I'm getting up early to bake some homemade bread and to make some spicy Indian tea!

I'd love a holiday somewhere sometime! Wouldn't we all? I'm going to spend a couple of weeks with my dear auntie after my friends go home. She makes me feel better and she lives just an hour away. It's a change of scenery. Not exactly Calcutta but a good baby step nonetheless haha!

Thanks for your message. I hope all is as good as it can be with you!! xx

AndThisTooMustPass
04-08-17, 12:54 AM
With setbacks, I always feel they propel me forward even though they can hurt like hell. Step by step, I can get things back on track. Baby steps, yeah? Like I said, Impressive!

xxx

Amaya
04-08-17, 09:49 AM
Everything is possible in the future :)

Suzi
04-08-17, 11:11 AM
Who knows what's round the corner? Take up your explorers hat and go and find out! You're being so positive. I'm very proud of you!

JustEM
04-08-17, 11:22 AM
Thanks everyone!!

Aw thanks Suzi! That made me smile as my friend actually calls me 'Dora' after Dora the Explorer jokingly because of my wandering and travelling ways....

Exactly, maybe I'm looking half way across the world when the next thing is just around the corner. Ah we all have to just keep being positive regardless.

Have a good weekend all xxx

Suzi
04-08-17, 11:32 AM
Lol, it was a game I used to play with my babies when they were younger. We used to have to put on our invisible and magical explorer hats to go out and see what we could find lol... Amazing what you come up with when you're broke, but also can't stay in!

Amaya
05-08-17, 02:38 PM
You have reminded me of The Truman Show when he says he wants to be an explorer and his teacher says him everything has already been discovered so he is too late. But he never stops being determined. I love that film and I would recommend it to encourage your fighting spirit if you haven't already seen it. (No spoilers please dwd members!)

JustEM
06-08-17, 10:03 PM
Lol Suzi, that sounds like good fun! I can see me playing that game with my little niece actually! When I'm looking after her, she always says 'Aunty Em is taking me on an adventure today!' bless her. (happy)

JustEM
06-08-17, 10:04 PM
Hey Amaya :)
I've not seen The Truman Show, but I'm always looking for a new film to watch so I'll be sure to give this a looksie! Thanks.
And thanks for your kind words, too. :)

Suzi
06-08-17, 10:17 PM
Lol Suzi, that sounds like good fun! I can see me playing that game with my little niece actually! When I'm looking after her, she always says 'Aunty Em is taking me on an adventure today!' bless her. (happy)
It's brilliant - you know we went on a muddy walk in the woods tracking dinosaurs, we've hunted fairies, we've written letters to and had replies from our night time fairy Arrabella who puts all the flowers and animals to bed and helps the nocturnal ones if they are in need of anything..

JustEM
06-08-17, 10:20 PM
Aw I love it, Suzi! (happy)
Made up games like that are always the best types!

JustEM
06-08-17, 10:22 PM
My Grandmother had a great imagination like that too, bless her. As a kid, I used to ask her to tell me stories 'from her brain!' (giggle) Just a load of made-up nonsense. Love it. ;)

Suzi
06-08-17, 10:26 PM
It's something I've hopefully passed on to our children. We've been all over the world, all over fairyland, we've made friends with dragons and magicians, we've lived Harry Potter novels and then movies and we've cried when Charlotte dies... It's imagination, stories, it's good for the soul!

JustEM
06-08-17, 10:35 PM
I'm sure you have! :) You're totally right, it is good for the soul!

Amaya
10-08-17, 06:51 PM
How's it going?

JustEM
11-08-17, 10:19 PM
Hey Amaya (hi)

Good thank you! I coped very well with my friends coming and I actually enjoyed myself at times, too! (party)

I have closure on the whole India thing and have been positively looking towards the future. (y)

I'm doing all the right things for working towards getting well... all apart from addressing my eating, or rather.. my NOT eating. It's starting to really concern me and I'm feeling a bit scared about it all, but Monday I have an appointment with the Team Leader of the eating disorder team and will ask for more support at home with my eating to prevent me having to go into hospital which I really do not want! I think this will probably be my last chance as otherwise (and I hate to admit it) I'm heading down the hospital route....

How are you doing? :) I hope all is as well as it can be with you.

Em x

Paula
12-08-17, 09:54 AM
Oh Em :( I wish there was something we could do to help (bear)

Suzi
12-08-17, 12:30 PM
Oh sweetheart sorry it's not going brilliantly. I think it's amazing that you have acknowledged how bad things are, are prepared to ask for help and know that it could mean hospital - but that might not be pleasant, but it'll only be there to help... You are awesome.

AndThisTooMustPass
12-08-17, 02:10 PM
(panda)

Amaya
12-08-17, 02:55 PM
It is good it is the only problem to work on right now.. at least then you can be very focused on looking after yourself. If it would help to talk more about it feel free to do so. Otherwise I hope the ED team can give you exactly the support you need. I think asking for help at home was a great idea. Hospital is not so much fun! :)

JustEM
12-08-17, 09:39 PM
Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. It means a lot. :)

My therapist is remarkably supportive and my family are supporting me, too. I will have this honest and open conversation with the ED team Monday and will hopefully gain more clarity from there.

If I did have to go into hospital, it would be a psychiatric ward with eating disorder patients but not specified to eating disorders only. Does anyone have any experience of this? The fact that I don't know exactly what the whole hospital experience looks like is making me more anxious.... I need reassurance from the ED team, more than just the flitting remark of hospital being a possibility.

Also I think I'm more anxious because I FEEL unwell. I've had anorexia chronically and severely (more severe than now) but have never felt as if my body is giving up as I do now.... I don't know if this is my anxiety or because I've actually been unwell with a cold these last two days... But it's like my energy is depleted. This scares me. I'm scared I will go to bed and won't wake up the next day, but im sure this is anxiety taking over and me being over-dramatic.

Today was my little nieces birthday party. I slept all morning at home, went to the party at 1pm but slept whilst there for four hours, and now I'm already ready to go to sleep again ?!

Suzi
12-08-17, 10:27 PM
I think you're so worried and anxious about being poorly that you are using up all your energy, making you completely fatigued.. Be kind to yourself lovely...

JustEM
13-08-17, 08:19 AM
Think you're right, Suzi.
I watched a new DVD last night which took my mind off it all.

The ED team have arranged a CPN to be a care coordinator for me from the cmht and an appointment with a psychiatrist to start me on new AD medication. So, obviously they want to establish support for me IN the community.

Think it's just because I haven't heard from the cmht at all and that the OT from the ED team is on annual leave that, paired with being unwell, has caused my mind to overthink and worry.

I'm sure I will feel much better after my appointment tomorrow and after calling the cmht myself. Just feel a bit left to my own devices!

Paula
13-08-17, 09:12 AM
Anxiety is truly, totally exhausting even if you're not 'doing' anything. Despite this, though, you're still pushing for support so you can pat yourself on the back :)

JustEM
13-08-17, 09:48 AM
Couldn't agree more, Paula! Thanks.

Yes, I want to get better. It's been a long stretch this time around!

Wishing you a nice day your end. X

Suzi
13-08-17, 12:19 PM
You really are amazing to be pushing and doing everything you can to get the right help and support.

Amaya
13-08-17, 04:03 PM
Also I think I'm more anxious because I FEEL unwell. I've had anorexia chronically and severely (more severe than now) but have never felt as if my body is giving up as I do now.... I don't know if this is my anxiety or because I've actually been unwell with a cold these last two days... But it's like my energy is depleted. This scares me. I'm scared I will go to bed and won't wake up the next day, but im sure this is anxiety taking over and me being over-dramatic.

I had this type of anxiety when I first went into the hospital. The feeling that your body is just going to stop working all together and you won't be able to live whether you want to or not. For me it happened because I couldn't sleep or eat for days and was in the worst anxiety I had ever experienced. I think these three things feed into each other. It took a while before it got better.. routine was what helped the most. Sleep for the rest for my brain. Eating for energy to function. Walking for getting rid of anxiety hormones out of my body. It took a long time to work through it.. weeks actually. But everytime I managed an hour sleep, everytime I managed to eat a little something, and every time I managed to do something physical it got a little better.

Maybe you could make yourself a program for if this feeling comes back. Like promising yourself to eat an apple whilst walking for 30m or something like that. Having regular bed and wake up times might help too. The anxiety really does get better with these simple things in my experience. And when the anxiety eases, then you can do more, eat a little more regular and sleep better too, then the anxiety gets even better.. etc etc..

For those real crisis feelings, I say start with lots of water, then walking, then fruit, then sleep.. the rest comes later more easily then. Milk is also good.. it goes down easy :)

And I am glad you are getting help in the community. Hospital is good if you really need it.. but it is also very hard. My only experience is six weeks in a psychiatric hospital in Holland, no idea how they are in the UK.

JustEM
13-08-17, 06:44 PM
Thanks Suzi. That's very kind of you to say.
Yeah... I DO actually want to get better this time around which is good
But I honestly feel being supported in the community will be better for me personally than having to go into hospital.

JustEM
13-08-17, 06:54 PM
Hey Amaya,

Thanks for your message. I'm sorry you suffered such anxiety but I'm pleased to hear you're in a better place out of hospital now. I really think I just need this appointment tomorrow to put me straight and feel reassured. I will just be glad by the time it's tomorrow afternoon so I finally know exactly what is going on! I know it's my mind and anxiety working overtime here. Hospital doesn't feel at all like the best form of action to take for me personally now, I feel there are steps to take first and other support to access first before it becomes an option.

I find that I suffer most if I don't sleep but thankfully I sleep well and rest when I need to. I've stopped doing things that are not helpful for my mental health such as not working in jobs that were making me worse and I'm doing lots of things that help my mental health such as being with positive people and going to therapy etc.

I keep active, walk a lot and get fresh air everyday. I don't do my horrible bed days anymore and haven't done for months. Woo!

Suzi
13-08-17, 09:02 PM
Well done lovely x

Amaya
13-08-17, 09:13 PM
You are doing so great. Excuse me for the over giving of advice. I do that sometimes.

AndThisTooMustPass
13-08-17, 09:48 PM
Hi Em

Good luck for tomorrow, It sounds like you are right about them wanting to provide community support.
Despite the eating issues, I hope you are able to congratulate yourself on all the tremendous progress you've made over the months. If not, I'll do it for you (clap).

Rooting for you and impressed by you as always.

Me
xxx

JustEM
13-08-17, 10:05 PM
Thanks Amaya.
I really appreciated your advice - not over-advice at all. :) x

JustEM
13-08-17, 10:07 PM
Hey 'Me' (hi)

Thanks for your kindness as always!

I will let you know how tomorrow goes and will pop you a PM soon!

Hope you've had a good weekend. Wishing you a good new week!

Em xxx

Suzi
14-08-17, 11:39 AM
Hope the appointment goes well x

JustEM
14-08-17, 04:55 PM
Phew! Appointment over! (whew)
Feeling much more reassured. They and I view hospital as a last resort so for now it's off the table! (party)

Called the CMHT and will have an assessment with the care plan co-coordinator and psychiatrist within the next couple of weeks.

So by September time, my community care plan of AD medication, an OT three times weekly and a CPN should all be nicely in place. In the meantime, lots of nice things to keep me busy! Job interview as a nursery nurse apprentice tomorrow then spending a few days with my auntie and then my brother before taking a retreat in the UK to end this month nicely. :)

Was going to try a support group for the first time tonight but honestly feeling a bit 'therapied-out'. Raining pouring outside and have accomplished lots today so happily treating myself to a bath bomb and long soak in the bath, a chat with my good auntie and friend on the phone and a couple of episodes of a new box set! ;)

JustEM
14-08-17, 04:57 PM
And will still access an online eating disorder support group tonight (which I find very positive) to make up for missing the group.

Paula
14-08-17, 05:07 PM
Well done Em, you've done brilliantly today :)

JustEM
14-08-17, 06:10 PM
Thanks Paula :) xx

Suzi
14-08-17, 07:25 PM
Wow! Well done! You've done so well today! I'm really proud of you!

JustEM
14-08-17, 08:21 PM
Thanks Suzi :) Feeling a lot better about things. (whew)

My mood's flat as a pancake and unfortunately nothing is budging it.... I'm waiting on an appointment with an eating disorder specialist psychiatrist from the community mental health team to get the right balance of meds for me but that will be a minimum of two weeks away.... :=

Really nervous about my interview at the nursery tomorrow because of the depression. It (as we all know too well) just makes me feel so empty and like I've got nothing to give, which is overwhelming. But I know I have to go and give it a shot. I guess deep down it's not reeeeeally what I want (to work in a nursery) as I know I want to join a Catholic community.... which I have a possible opportunity of doing the end of this September, but I also know my health might not be good enough to do it then and that I'll have to probably postpone for the following year. Which is fine and always a good goal to have.

So the nursery is probably the best option for me now. Guess I've got to just faking til I make it, right?

Do anti-depressants really get rid of this horrible depression? They feel like the only option.

Paula
14-08-17, 08:37 PM
What ADs really do is allow you to cope so that you have space to learn how to deal with the illness itms

Suzi
14-08-17, 09:52 PM
I completely agree with Paula x

AndThisTooMustPass
14-08-17, 10:38 PM
Great news!(party)

AndThisTooMustPass
15-08-17, 12:18 AM
...er... great news about the appointment not the depression :( Good luck with the interview today, I hope it goes / went well.

JustEM
15-08-17, 01:43 PM
AD's are definitely worth a shot then. It just seems nonsense that, having already waited two weeks, I now have to wait at least another two weeks just to have an appointment with a psychiatrist about starting new meds. It feels like they're basically saying, 'You need help... In a few weeks'. They've asked me to get bloods done this week but I'm really busy with lots of nice plans so.. 'They need my bloods and they'll get them in a few weeks!' (giggle)

Seeing the team yesterday was a trigger for this big dip in mood (despite the obvious relief about hospital). It's always a trigger though and thankfully the low mood has now passed! I'm switching off from the MH team for the next couple weeks and focusing on having FUN. Off to the beach and on a speed boat ride today with my brother and sister in law, then a few days with my auntie and little cousin, a day at the farm with my little niece, a few days with my other brother and his family and a 5-day camping trip to top it all off! Woo!

ATTMP, thank you!! I didn't go for the interview today. I only applied out of guilt because I felt bad about not working and living at home at the age of 23... My mind likes to use this opportunity to call myself lazy, worthless, a failure and yada yada.... I was offered a great nursery position over six months back when I was better mentally and which offered more pay but didn't even take it back then because it just wasn't for me. We've talked at length about what I really want out of life and so I'm going to focus on that community I mentioned to you and see how that unfolds. Thankfully, the low mood has improved today! How are you doing? I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes to you all xx

Paula
15-08-17, 02:13 PM
Hunni, they don't need your bloods for their own benefit, they need them to rule out any underlying condition which could be contributing to your ill health. Please get that sorted asap - it won't take long .....

And I have to point out that a 4 week wait to see a psychiatrist is really, really short!

AndThisTooMustPass
15-08-17, 03:03 PM
Hey Em!

Glad you didn't go for the interview if you didn't want to do the job. Guilt - pfft! As I'm sure you know from CBT, should, must and ought statements lie behind that and those statements are as worthy of notice as Donald Trump's tweets or a headline in The Daily Star. If you had a broken leg would you feel guilty about not running a marathon? If I was in your position would you tell me I should feel guilty for not working? Would you judge and condemn a friend the way you judge and condemn yourself? Are you able to leave making commandments up to God?

23 - not exactly ancient (giggle) I left school at 15 and didn't start building a career until my first decent bit of counseling in my mid thirties and it is only now that I am doing a job I enjoy. I wish I'd not wasted most of my twenties doing jobs I hated because I felt worthless if I was not employed. I wish I'd not made myself feel worse when I was too ill to work by beating myself up for not working. You've loads of time to explore life! To take time to smell the roses.

As a Catholic atheist ( ^) contradiction I know but Catholic education runs deep (giggle) ) I know that guilt is our thing and I'm so glad and, mega impressed, that you have decided to focus on what you actually want to do, not what you feel you should do. (clap)

Thanks for letting us know about the interview and that your mood has lifted a little.

Speed boat ride, FUN! and all the other nice things you have planned YAY! (party).
You are an amazing person and deserve some fun and pleasure. Hope you enjoy!

Take care and I hope to hear more from you soon.
xxx

Suzi
15-08-17, 04:53 PM
Em, please do get those bloods done asap... It is important and I too am really impressed that it's only 4 weeks for a psych appointment!

JustEM
15-08-17, 06:03 PM
Well, it's actually been almost a three month wait for the psych appointment... It will just be at least a four week wait since the ED started getting in touch with them to speed up the appointment ;)

I will get the bloods done, Suzi. I did try today as my mother is actually a phlebotomist but she couldn't get them so I'll have her do them for next Monday. I was just feeling a bit cheesed off, that's all.

ATTMP, thank you. Everything you said about the job... You're totally right. I heard back from the community regarding my application today and they will be in touch soon about an interview. (clap) Speed boat was awesome!

Thanks all x

JustEM
15-08-17, 06:04 PM
*ED team

Suzi
15-08-17, 11:12 PM
That's so cool that your Mum can do them for you! :)

AndThisTooMustPass
16-08-17, 12:48 AM
No pin cushion arms from nursing assistants essentially playing darts (badly) for Em!

JustEM
16-08-17, 04:43 AM
Haha yeah Suzi! It's handy alright... Or 'arm-y' ;)

Haha, ATTMP! Bless her, she gets so stressed when she can't get them and I get so nervous when she takes them but we never let on to each other! She's a real gem though! (happy)

JustEM
26-08-17, 10:15 AM
Hi all!

Hope everyone's doing as okay as they can be right now. :)

I'm not in a very good place at all and I needed somewhere to rant and air my hurting brain. I don't even know if anyone will read this. :s Anyways, here goes.

My depression has become a hell of a lot worse lately. I think now I've achieved everything I set out to do and I've always had a goal ahead of me which gave me hope and something to work for... but now, summer's ending and it feels like everything's been 'wrapped up' if that makes sense? I need a goal because otherwise everything can feel so pointless and hopeless, and with the evening's slowly getting darker and winter coming.... :s

JustEM
26-08-17, 10:16 AM
I'm struggling to fill my days. Physically, I've become too weak to work (no pity here as it's mostly self-inflicted) and my energy levels peak for an hour or so but then I'm depleted. I did the ironing the other day for an hour or so and had to lie down on the bed for a while before returning to it. I also get really dizzy in the shower and struggle to muster up the strength to clean the bath out after having one. I take short little walks through the day to help boost the old mood but my legs get wobbly and all I do to attempt to fix that is drink a can of sugar-free diet coke? ^)

Mentally, I'm washed out. Sometimes, I can still appear to be alright and even just totally fine to others... but I'm finding more and more that I'm just getting overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Like yesterday, I couldn't even tie a cushion on a garden chair and sometimes I can't be bothered with washing the dishes. It's like an overwhelming sense of 'I absolutely could not give a crap about this and I absolutely can not do it'.

These reasons have been why I've finally accepted my inability to be at work. (As much as I want to work, I have easily had over 25 jobs this last year and have quit/walked out/walked out after swearing at the manager which is SO not my personality, and it came to the point where I have finally said 'Enough now!') They've always been the SAME job and I have fully committed to myself never to do this type of job again! At the start of this year when I was feeling better (but still not my usual self), I applied for different jobs... childcare and in the charity sector, but didn't get them or felt too anxious and intimidated by other professional staff to go ahead with them.) I didn't have any support around me then to have helped me get through this so I kept taking the crap jobs, got treated like rubbish, got into vulgar environments, and worked too many hours and left due to mental and physical exhaustion until about a month ago I decided to stop work.) Since then, I still have the odd 'I really want to work again!' thought, but now my body and my mind have continued to become much worse and I'm just too sick for it.

I'm also experiencing a MASSIVE amount of stress. There's no real stress going on around me but I feel stressed by the simplest of things. I currently have family staying with me which includes two screaming children and it honestly melts my brain like nails on a chalkboard. This paired with my brother's total lack of understanding about mental illness (He says things at 11pm to me like 'Why are you so tired? You need to fill your days more so you're not so tired all the time.' before he goes to sleep in my bed whilst I happily take the sofa. I am trying by visiting different members of family and I even booked myself onto a youth camping retreat but if I go, I spend most of my time sleeping up there and come home early or I cancel (if it's not family-related, like the youth event) at the last minute because I just know it will be too much for me. It's like setting myself up to fail!!

I'm currently under a tier 3 eating disorder mental health team. The occupational therapist I see three times weekly has been off on leave for two weeks. In the meantime, the ED Team Leader has filled in for her with two phone calls and another phone call promise that never came. Which, as you can imagine, has been a massive help?! (swear) I've had to chase up my psychiatric appointment by contacting the CMHT, tier 3 and tier 2 services to get them all to communicate with each other. I shouldn't have to be the one who does this!!! So the last couple of weeks have honestly been awful. I've gotten a lot worse.

Thankfully, I did meet the CPN who will be my care coordinator from the CMHT last week. She was really annoyed about the lack of support from the ED services and promised to 'kick them up the bum!' for me! (giggle) FINALLY, I am starting on AD medication. I really liked her and the psychiatrist and they took all my concerns into consideration when prescribing so that today when I took my first pill, I don't have any anxiety or fear about it... but only hope. (nod) She is meeting with me next week to draw up a community care plan. I felt like I could finally breathe when she told me this! I really do want to get well.

The OT is back this coming week too so it will be nice to have someone popping in to check I'm okay and dropping the odd text in between. It's reassuring to know there's someone I can call on, you know? My eating is really poor though. I eat as little as 300 calories a day and max at about 400-450. I'm so hungry and weak. It's not anorexia this time, it's like some kind of self-punishment for this depression. I've started taking laxatives too and I have no idea why. They don't exactly work on no food anyways!! (giggle)

JustEM
26-08-17, 10:17 AM
The ED team also said they will be able to offer me therapy, too. But it's yet to be explained as to what that is exactly. I continue to see my CBT therapist weekly though and she is fantastic.

She works for a mental health charity that offer a voluntary work scheme for sufferers of mental illness. It's a big, beautiful gardening project! They're due to get back to me shortly. I feel it would be a nice opportunity. Therapeutic, new skills, a supportive environment. :) I would like to maybe do a course in massage therapy at some point, too. Mostly because I love massage, because it's different and because people say I'm goo at giving massages! But these are little hopes for the future. I'm trying to go day by day. I've been doing little things like playing the keyboard again, baking, watching films.... Not much helps if I'm honest but even just short bursts of some activity are good. I do have a spa day booked for next week though which I am so excited for. I'm only 23 but I have so much pain. It seems that all that's helping me at the moment is taking long, hot baths and doing my stretches afterwards, watching TV and movies to distract me and chatting with/being around family. Walking on the beach sometimes helps, as does baking the occasional something which I never eat. So yeah. Day by day. I'm not spending my days in bed all day anymore which is always a plus (although I do take massive naps)

I flirted with the idea of going to some support groups. One is an eating disorder one but I felt that would be triggering and it's also difficult to go to a group for depression and anxiety if you suffer with depression and anxiety!! They're also like a two and a half hour bus ride there and back too which is a bit of an outing and I don't want to go alone but don't have anyone who would come. I do use a daily online support group though for ED sufferers which helps a lot! (y)

I also have an appointment with the job centre on Tuesday to discuss training, volunteering and placement opportunities. This is something that I would really like to explore and access! Even if it's just tiny baby weeny steps for now. I hope to go back to volunteering with the homeless once weekly too. This was something I used to LOVE and was the highlight of my week!

I decided this morning before scrawling down this never-ending post that I would give the community care plan at least one month-six weeks through the whole of September and maybe into October where I really try to get myself feeling better. But, if things don't improve or get worse... I think I'll have to spend some time somewhere as an inpatient. The same place that run this gardening project actually have an inpatient place not so far from my home which I feel would be the type of place I would be happy to go into. I REFUSE to go to an eating disorder place because major depression is at the core here and the not-eating is caused by my depression this time. (ALL the professionals and my family agree on this). And I don't want to go down the general hospital road on a psychiatric ward... We'll see what happens. (nod)

There's a rehab centre I've been looking into, too. I know people who have gone there and I know it's incredible. But that would be in Italy or Bosnia and I'm in the UK.

But now, it's today. If you made it through this waffle, thanks for reading.

Suzi
26-08-17, 11:51 AM
Sweetheart you've been really going through it - why didn't you post?
Hunni, you know all the lectures about food and bodies as engines and fuel, so I'm not going to give you any - but instead of eating something like 3 meals a day, could you break it up so you have little and often instead?

That gardening place and inpatient place sound good and it's good that you've a plan in place if things don't see more of an upturn in the near future.

Keep talking lovely.

Paula
26-08-17, 04:14 PM
Can I just say that, even though I know it's unimaginably hard right now and even the smallest thing seems impossible to deal with, you ARE dealing with it, you're making plans to help yourself, you're pushing the right people to get things done, you're refusing to give up. And I am so very proud of you!

JustEM
26-08-17, 06:44 PM
Hey Suzi :) Thank you!

I don't know why I didn't post. I had the thoughts around 'I don't want to be a burden' and such. Silly, I know, but there we are. Now I've vented! (whew)

We're all hoping that the medication will lift my mood and that from there other things will help too and then the eating will improve. Time will tell!

Yeah, I always have to have a few positive goals even if they seem to be getting smaller and more basic (but still always realistic) as time goes by! (wasntme) And the recovery centre is a positive safety net, yeah. Hopefully I won't need it but the way I see it... If I go there or even if I am admitted to hospital, it's because I NEED to be there, right?

But I'm in a better place tonight than I was last night and this morning so that's a good thing. (y) Thankfully, I have a wonderful and supportive family around me. Things would otherwise have become a hell of a lot worse for me.

I hope you're doing as well as you can be, Suzi. Thanks for always posting back. It means a lot. :) xx

JustEM
26-08-17, 06:47 PM
Aww thank you so much, Paula! That's so kind of you! (panda)

I guess we just have to keep going, hey?

I hope everything is okay with you. Thanks for posting. Really means a lot! xx

Suzi
26-08-17, 09:18 PM
You are working hard and that's immensely important and shows how desperate you are to get well. I'm proud of you lovely.

JustEM
26-08-17, 09:34 PM
Thanks Suzi.

I do feel pretty desperate to get well, yeah... It is a positive that I'm not giving up. I can't just give up.

I think we just have a way of dealing with what comes our way.

Thanks for always being so positive and encouraging xx

Suzi
27-08-17, 11:48 AM
I try ;)
Thing is, you're the one doing all the hard work. All I'm doing is waving pompoms and doing motivational chanting on the sidelines lovely.

JustEM
31-08-17, 06:25 PM
Yes, but sometimes Suzi it's all that pompom waving and motivational chanting that can make all the difference! ;)

Met my care plan co-coordinator last week anyways and she came to the house yesterday to write my care plan with me. She's really nice and very pro-active. I like her and feel I can trust her. (y)

I've been on 50mg sertraline for a week. Early days yet but no nasty side effects. I certainly feel more energised and seem to have responded well to them so far. (nod)

Have been keeping myself busy as always taking beach walks, spending time with family and enjoying time at a local spa pool! I'm definitely going back to swim and the spa more regularly as it's a real de-stresser and mood-booster for me! (y) I've definitely been more motivated this last week too with gardening, doing chores, ironing and even fruit-picking!

Looking to slowly get back to volunteering and hope to start a course in reflexology at college one night a week starting in a couple of weeks. Gently-gently! The future seems more positive but I'm still looking day to day.

CPN care coordinator is arranging DBT or CBT therapy sessions for me through the tier 2 service. I should get an initial appointment in a couple of weeks. The therapist will be able to provide me with a set block of 12 sessions on what she feels I need to focus on, e.g. low self-confidence and depression.

The OT is back off leave from the eating disorder services. I get my blood test results back tomorrow and hopefully all will be well with those. She's coming out to see me on Monday so we can catch up then. (y)

So all in all, things are better than last time I posted!

Hope everything is as good as it can be with you all!

Paula
31-08-17, 07:35 PM
You've achieved loads! Well done :)

Before I became really ill, I was a Holistic Therapist inc reflexology. It's incredible hard work but so rewarding. The only thing I will say is you need to create a bubble around yourself to stop soaking in all your clients negativity. It takes practise and I wasn't very good at it which wasn't a problem until my MH worsened.

JustEM
31-08-17, 08:29 PM
Thanks Paula! :)

Wow being a holistic therapist sounds great. I actually love massage therapy and spending time at the spa and personally it's something that helps relax me and helps my mental health. A lot of my family say that I'm very good at giving massages too! So I was thinking it may be something that I'd actually like to do. There's a full time course in complementary therapy starting at a local university next year and there's an open day in October. I'm no way near ready for full time enrollment now! But it would be a great thing to work for. (happy) In the meantime, the reflexology would be a little thing for me (and for my fellow massage-loving family members who I'm sure would want me to try it out on them haha! ;) )

Thanks for the advise though. What you mean by clients negativity? Just the way they acted or?

xx

Paula
31-08-17, 08:32 PM
Most clients come for help. And their emotions pour out of them in their body language, voice, muscles etc. It's so easy to take that on and hard to let go of

Paula
31-08-17, 08:33 PM
I'm not trying to put you off at all, keeping that barrier is a skill to be learnt, that's all ;)

JustEM
31-08-17, 09:01 PM
Ah no, not at all Paula! That's good advice and something definitely to be aware of! Thanks :) xx
I'll be aware of keeping that barrier, I have enough problems of my own lol ;)

Suzi
31-08-17, 10:40 PM
Wow you sound so happy and bubbly! Are you really feeling that good?

JustEM
31-08-17, 10:53 PM
I am feeling pretty good yeah, Suzi!
I feel really energised. Not in a manic way but a good way. Like, I used to play piano and haven't practised in years but tonight I spent a whole hour on the keyboard and really enjoyed! This was after doing all the ironing and cleaning up. I also woke up singing this morning as I was getting ready and last night went for a walk down the beach and felt like I could run if that makes sense? I haven't felt like I could have the energy to run in ages! (I didn't actually run for the record haha.)

You think it's the sertraline?! I won't knock it. I'm going with the flow here!

Suzi
01-09-17, 10:01 AM
Keep an eye on it lovely ;) It does all sound very positive and I'm really happy for you.

JustEM
01-09-17, 03:06 PM
Thanks Suzi :) I will. I'm enjoying it whilst it lasts but I know a crash may come (as much as I hope it doesn't!!)
Another great day so far my end though. (y)

Suzi
01-09-17, 11:38 PM
That's brilliant! Long may they continue coming lovely!

Paula
02-09-17, 11:21 AM
Morning sweetie!

JustEM
04-09-17, 05:56 PM
Thank you both :)

I don't know if I'm just rambling away to myself randomly here but it helps to get things out, you know....?

I had a great weekend. I was flying high at times. But the crash came Saturday night. I knew it would. :s Spent all day Sunday crying and huddled in a blanket watching films and all day today in bed....

The OT came from the ED services today and started going on about me heading towards being admitted to hospital. I would be admitted onto a gastric ward (not a psychiatric ward as I had thought...?) to be fed through an NG feeding tube. I was tube-fed for nine months when I was eleven years old but then I totally refused all food and drink. Now, I actually eat and drink (granted not all that much). So she said if I ate, I wouldn't be admitted to hospital for re-feeding but that I'm heading that way? It all seems a bit unclear but myself and those closest to me have accepted that if it goes this way, it will have to just bloody go this way. It is what it is - an illness.

They want to keep me in the community though so I just need to make sure my weight doesn't go any lower. (My BMI is currently 13.2 and I'm not even trying to be anorexic which is weird...) Remarkably, my bloods are okay too so that goes in my favour.

Mood-wise, I am feeling a little stronger tonight now all the rubbish mood is out of my system so hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. I'm increasing the medication to 100mg sertraline at the weekend too and I'm seeing my therapist Friday who I haven't had a session with in a few weeks.

The gardening project were in touch, too. I missed their call so will phone them back tomorrow. I also have an interview for a weekend job as I can do permitted work with the ESA.

Hope all is as good as it can be with you. Thanks for reading.

Angie
04-09-17, 06:18 PM
I'm glad that they are there for you and that your mood has improved.

JustEM
04-09-17, 06:21 PM
Thanks Angie.

Good days and bad, hey? The more I accept that and go with the flow on particularly awful days, the easier it will get I hope...

I hope you're doing as well as you can be xx

Angie
04-09-17, 06:41 PM
There will always be days that are better than others, but getting through the bad ones is always a win.

JustEM
04-09-17, 06:52 PM
Thanks Angie.

You're totally right. And I always ever get through them! :) x

Suzi
04-09-17, 07:28 PM
Definitely good days and bad days - why didn't you post when you were feeling crap? We could have helped?

JustEM
04-09-17, 07:52 PM
I should have.

I guess I just get so all-consumed in feeling the crappiness when it hits me that I don't post until it starts to seem like my mood might slowly lift again... :s

It seems endless. I mean, do people actually beat depression?! Like, for good?

Paula
04-09-17, 08:49 PM
Some do, some don't. I haven't but I manage it, a lot of the time, and I've got a good life despite battling with this since I was 16. I know it sounds odd but my illness is such a part of me now that I don't know who I'd be without it though I still fight it every moment itms

JustEM
04-09-17, 09:20 PM
That's reassuring to hear it can be managed. Most people seem to say they manage it rather than beat it completely.

I think I'll always have mental health problems unfortunately. I've had them since I was nine years old and now I'm 23. Even when I look back now at times when I thought I was doing great, I can see that even then I still had blips and my little 'meltdowns' and such. Guess some people just struggle more than others, right?

I'm pleased to hear you're able to have a good life despite what you have to battle with.

I just want to be treated for depression and not for anorexia. The reason I'm not eating now is a result of depression. I see starvation as a way out. Even the professionals have admitted I don't have 'classic anorexia'. I wish it wasn't all about the not-eating. My problems run much deeper. If I gained weight, I would still be depressed because I was depressed before I stopped eating.

I hate the ED services. I don't trust them. I'm anxious they're going to spring hospital on me or section me or something.

Suzi
04-09-17, 09:52 PM
Oh lovely. Have you told them that?

JustEM
04-09-17, 10:08 PM
I haven't told them I see self-starvation as a way out of living with depression.

I told them I don't want to be admitted to the gastric ward of a general hospital. When I said I would be more open to being admitted to a psychiatric ward or hospital, they seemed to think I wasn't 'ill enough' for that.

They know I have suicidal thoughts. I don't want to give too much away to them though.

I told her I didn't trust her and that I'm not eating for her - someone I don't trust. That was a tad rude of me to say that but she needs to know I'm eating for me and not for her. She did ask if she could give me a hug before she left. I reluctantly let her.

Hopefully I can just keep my weight from dropping any further to stay out of hospital. I'm going to try and be super positive next time I see her and give the impression things are progressing. I'm too scared to be honest with them because it's in their power to section me. I can just see this happening. It's like I'm leaving it go as far as possible before it does.

Paula
04-09-17, 10:14 PM
Sweetie, they're not your enemy and they can't help you appropriately if you're not open and honest with them. And the NHS don't section without very good reason to - not least because they simply don't have the beds to do that. Please tell Someone the truth .....

JustEM
04-09-17, 10:16 PM
But what I don't get is if I go to hospital it will be to be tube-fed. But they will not tube feed me in hospital if I eat so if I go to hospital for re-feeding but eat there instead then surely they won't pass a tube down someone who is willing to eat?

This is why I don't want to go to hospital. I'm not afraid of eating.

I don't want to eat because I'm so depressed. So I don't get why I couldn't go on a ward or to a hospital to treat my depression in a way that sees my behaviours such as not eating and excessive sleeping as side effects of this illness.

JustEM
04-09-17, 10:24 PM
They feel like my enemy though, Paula. I hated it today when she was here in my home telling me what to eat and drink and that what I choose to eat isn't good enough. Because then when I do eat and she says thank you it's like I've done it for her. Which is stupid because why would I practice self-care for her benefit when she's someone I don't even care about?

I know you're right about the NHS not sectioning without having a good reason to. I have to trust it won't be an overnight thing. I'm just so scared the ED services are going to spring it on me suddenly. I don't know where I'm at with them. In the same sentence, they say hospital admission is a last resort and then they say I'm heading that way.

Wish I could just discharge myself from their services and stop seeing them but I think that would give them more reason to hospitalise me.

Sorry for my ranting. I just feel really scared about all of this

Paula
04-09-17, 10:27 PM
"Occasionally, someone with anorexia may refuse treatment even though they're severely ill and their life is at risk.
In these cases, as a last resort doctors may decide to admit the person to hospital for compulsory treatment under the Mental Health Act. This is sometimes known as sectioning or being sectioned."

That's a quote from the NHS website http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Treatment.aspx

It seems clear section would be a last resort. The trouble is, hunni, is that it doesn't matter what the reason for you not eating is, unless you start eating you're going to become severely ill so they have to prioritise that regardless of whether it's anorexia or depression. If you don't want to go to hospital, you have to eat and keep sustaining a gradual weight gain.

JustEM
05-09-17, 01:03 PM
Thanks for sharing the link, Paula. I know that sectioning is definitely a last resort. I feel less anxious about it today because I've been left to my own devices. I know I will feel more wound up tomorrow when I have to meet with the ED services. I guess I'm just afraid of having all control taken away from me. I'm afraid of the ED services because they have the authority to section people.

The reason for hospital admission would be for tube feeding, but surely if it did come to that and I said I would drink the calories with supplement drinks (I could not eat that amount of calories. That would overwhelm me totally) then they wouldn't tube feed me. Surely the doctors would only tube feed someone who was refusing to take in calories by any other means. Obviously to avoid tube feeding, I would have to comply with the drinks which I am sure I would!

I feel I really need to talk to the nurse who runs this gastric ward about this. I will also ask the GP on Friday when I increase my medication. I need to know where I stand. I don't trust these ED services.

There are options to explore before hospitalisation, too. I could be a day patient somewhere or ask the ED services and CMHT to provide meal support not to support me with eating but to make sure I actually eat. Not a route I want to go down but better than a tube all the same.

I've said I've started on the supplement drinks again. Chucked it down the sink this morning and I know I will do the same tomorrow. If lying will prolong admission, then I will simply have to lie.

Also the sertraline is making it hard to eat. I feel nauseous to the point of wanting to vomit. Last week I was so full of energy but the last few days (and even more so today) I feel totally drugged and sedated. All I want to do is sleep. In a way, it's a real comfort because sleep can be an escape but excessive sleeping as an escape was a long-time symptom I thought I had overcome.

Job interview tomorrow though just for a few hours on the weekends part time. The gardening project have also arranged for me to go there and meet them. Going to call to check availability for the reflexology course just now, too. So hopefully having little things in my life will help me and I really hope these pills work too.

Paula
05-09-17, 03:25 PM
Hunni, you need to stop lying about what you're eating. You can't fake it if you're losing, or not gaining, weight so it's pointless lying anyway. And all the ED staff want is to help you and protect you from this illness - they're not your enemies. Please, please tell them what's going on.

And I really think you should think carefully about the reflexology. I know how gruelling the training is and, right now, it seems to me you're not well enough to cope with it. That's not to say you couldn't do it in the future, but now might not be the right time. Please think about it

JustEM
05-09-17, 04:14 PM
I know they'll find out about the lying eventually. I just can't help it though. It's like it's out of my control. Even today, I became so overwhelmed by my depression that I just stood staring at the sink, unable to get washed or dressed. I'm currently staying at my brother's because my parents are away and I cant bare being alone right now but it's like I'm paralysed with anxiety and depression... I can't get up and I've been hiding in bed all day.

When my anxiety and depression are worse, my eating is worse too. I haven't eaten all day. I feel sick and nervous. Don't know what the hell is up with me. Could it be the pills or just my mental health getting worse...? I was honestly great at the weekend.

The course is only one evening a week. My brother lives close by to the college and would be able to pick me up and drop me off there. They have an open day on Monday next week so I will go for a look but I will definitely keep what you've said in mind. Thanks. I don't want to set myself up to fail.

I think the gardening project is a good thing because my therapist recommended it and it is specifically for people suffering with MH issues. The part time job might be a bit much but I could try it at least. It gets me out for a few hours and I'm not great physically but it's not an exhausting job and I'm not on deaths door like! Little goals.

I've held off from big future plans. I just want to be happy because if I'm happy it won't really matter what I'm doing.

JustEM
05-09-17, 04:17 PM
I've also contacted the eating disorder charity Beat to ask advice on how to discuss certain concerns with the OT tomorrow. This charity have always previously helped me greatly so hopefully I'll feel more reassured about seeing her tomorrow. I'm currently DREADING it.

Suzi
05-09-17, 09:23 PM
Sweetheart if you aren't being honest with them then that is enough to make them think that you aren't coping. If you aren't eating you won't be getting any better physically or mentally. You know all this.
Really lovely, do talk to someone about how you are honestly doing...

JustEM
06-09-17, 08:54 AM
I know. It's like I can't stop it. It's like an addiction in a way. It's not even about weight or being 'thin' now. It's about wanting to diminish. I just want to shut off and sleep all day. Again.

I can't tell the ED services. I just can't. They'll put me in hospital. I want to be at home with my family, not on some ward somewhere. I honestly think that would make things worse. But the anxiety about going to hospital is actually making me eat less. But they're not stupid and I cant hide everything from them. I'll be glad when the appointment is over today and I'm left to my own devices and can just sleep.

My family know I'm struggling so I'm not completely alone or anything. I'm scared though and I feel really uneasy. I don't know how my MH has got to this point. I honestly don't want to feel like this.

magie06
06-09-17, 10:13 AM
If you don't want to feel like this any more, then I think you know where to start. You really need to tell them everything and even ifit's recommended that you return to hospital, what's the worst thing that can happen? You get the nutritional help you need. You get to off load things that are on your mind. Both your body and mind get a chance to become healthy again. Please take that first step.

JustEM
06-09-17, 06:34 PM
You're right, Magie. Thank you.

I met the OT today. She said when she told the ED Team Leader my BMI today, she wanted to admit me today. They even called me this morning to get into the clinic to check I was stable. It was the OT (the one I felt was against me!) who pushed to give me the benefit of the doubt and just one last chance. So tomorrow, I'm getting weighed. If I lose any more weight, I will be admitted for tube feeding. When I asked about the option to drink the calories rather than have them through the tube, she explained that wouldn't be an option because they wouldn't admit me to drink!

So, YES! I was finally honest. I told my mother and father AND the OT afterwards the truth that I had severely restricted these last few days and that I had been abusing laxatives. I drank a supplement drink for the first time tonight and didn't share it with the sink! ;) My bloods were good last week. I'm having more done Friday so if all is well and the weight is stable then I won't have a tube! You're right, I know where to start.

The CMHT can also provide me with CBT therapy once the bmi pops up a bit more and I'm increasing the sertraline to 100mg tomorrow. I missed my job interview today due to all this anxiety but called them to say it was a 'family emergency' so hopefully another interview will be scheduled pronto!

I'm meeting with the gardening project Monday and going to a college open evening next week about a part time course so I'm choosing to live.

Everyone seems to think the medication and eating better will help beat this depression. It's the least I can do to TRY.

Thanks everyone for your ongoing support. You're an awesome bunch xxx

Jaquaia
06-09-17, 06:47 PM
That's awesome! I am so proud of you for being honest!

JustEM
06-09-17, 07:00 PM
Thanks Jaquaia! (happy)

Sometimes you've got to get worse to get better, I think. But it feels like the decision is coming from me to get well.

It's still a little scary because my head tells me if I gain weight, I'll feel worse. But I've been here (and worse!) before and I've beaten anorexia twice previously so third time bloody lucky! ;)

Hope all is well with you xx

magie06
06-09-17, 07:06 PM
Well done you. That is such an amazing post. You DO know where to start and you bloody well went and did it. The relief must be tremendous, you've made the start, all you have to do is follow through. Well done again.

JustEM
06-09-17, 07:21 PM
Thanks so much, Magie. (happy)

Onwards and upwards now. Taking each day as it comes now. It's probably going to be a long road ahead, but today was better than yesterday so that's a good start.

I do feel relieved and I'm sure I'll feel better when my body starts feeling healthier, too.

Thanks for your support. xx

Suzi
06-09-17, 07:41 PM
I'm SO proud of you!!!! Well done lovely!

JustEM
06-09-17, 08:43 PM
Thanks Suzi. Means a lot. :)

Had a big chat with my mother tonight and she is the first and only one I've opened up to about WHY I stopped eating - as a form of self-destruction due to the depression. I wanted to die but would never take my own life so figured if I stopped eating, it would be something else that took my life. She said I really need to be telling the professionals this so Friday I will tell the OT and my therapist. I do feel relieved.

Will let you know how the weighing goes tomorrow x

Suzi
06-09-17, 10:13 PM
Can your Mum be with you when you see the OT? It's brilliant that you've started opening up to her about it all.

JustEM
06-09-17, 10:54 PM
Yes, definitely. My mother would be more than happy to be there. (nod) She's a great support for me. I used to feel she was out to get me too but my therapist helped me overcome massive issues around her and I feel we now have this understanding that the illness is something separate to the real me. I'm so grateful for her.

Suzi
07-09-17, 08:37 AM
That's awesome.

Good luck today lovely.

Paula
07-09-17, 09:58 AM
That made me cry, I'm so proud of you. I know you can do this and we'll be waving pom-poms the whole way :)

magie06
07-09-17, 10:13 AM
What have you planned for today? Something nice for you I hope.

JustEM
07-09-17, 06:42 PM
Thanks everyone!! (panda)

Suzi, I was weighed today and there was a slight increase actually. So no weight loss means no hospital - woo hoo! (rofl) (whew) Drank another supplement drink in front of my mother this morning and went for lunch with her and my dad, which was lovely and relaxed. :) Went to the GP and they referred me privately to see the Clinical Lead of the gastric ward as an outpatient. She specialises in nutrition because in all honesty (and the GP agreed!) the ED services, i.e. the OT I see really doesn't have any specialty in health or nutrition. She's just watching my weight basically. Think she was a bit taken aback when I said I'd made this referral and got a bit on the defensive. (giggle) Ooops. Unfortunately, she's a tad negative but she means well I'm sure. I click way better with the CPN, could just be a personality thing. Also increased my medication today to 100mg which the GP said to stick with for a month on this dose. Also got my bloods done again and have a bone scan arranged for October. Sorted!

Paula, thank you! (bear) The pom-poms mean a lot!!

Hey Magie :) Had a lovely day thanks. Went for a lovely scenic drive with my parents, lunch by the seafront and a nature walk. Then I came home and had a soak in the bath with some new bath salts and painted my nails and straightened my hair. Going to chuck a movie on later too and have decided that tomorrow I'm going out for the day into the city and having a 'me' day. Even if I don't buy anything other than my bus fare, I feel I need and want to get away and do something for me! :) How was your day today? x

Paula
07-09-17, 08:03 PM
What an amazing post! So awesome :). Well done for the weight gain too

JustEM
07-09-17, 08:39 PM
Thanks, Paula. (bear)

My head's trying to wind me up about the weight gain but I know it's just easier to comply than go to hospital. I can do this! (nod)

magie06
07-09-17, 09:27 PM
You can and you have done the hardest thing by starting. Well done. (panda)

Suzi
07-09-17, 09:53 PM
That post has me beaming! That's no small achievement today I promise! Well done lovely!

JustEM
07-09-17, 10:28 PM
Thanks everyone!! :)
You're all so nice! X

JustEM
08-09-17, 05:01 PM
Saw the OT again today. My blood test results were all okay again. She said this is remarkable! So the weight gain and the bloods being okay means no hospital for me! (whew) (y)
She also said to me that she believes me that my problem IS depression because of how I speak and behave and she said when she saw me eat the other day, my behaviours were very different to someone with an eating disorder. That said, obviously I have issues with my eating and she has a duty of care to make sure the eating disorder doesn't seep in too much. She's also happy with the notion of me going to this gardening project, doing the reflexology course and getting a part time job. So it's good we're on the same page for now. Perhaps I can start to dread my meetings with her a little less now! (giggle)

My mood has unfortunately been down-on-the-floor RUBBISH. Guess I've got to just accept that and go with the flow until the tablets kick in. Still, I went out with my dad for a few hours and bought him a coffee. I also bought myself a book and spent half hour on the piano, and I ordered some terracotta pots and acryllic paints to paint them ready for Christmas gifts! I feel pretty bored and lonely. Bit of a catch 22 situation because whilst I don't have much motivation to do things and whilst I seem to feel lonely and bored no matter what I do, doing nothing at all makes the depression worse.

So as for tonight, I'm doing an online support group and then taking a walk by the beach before watching something on TV and reading a few pages of this new book. Small victories.

Paula
08-09-17, 06:28 PM
You're incredible. No matter how bad,you feel, you never give up! I'm so glad you've settled things with the OT :)

JustEM
08-09-17, 06:40 PM
Thanks, Paula. (panda)

You're so kind! I simply cannot give up!

Thanks, it was a relief to settle things with her. My parents even feel confident to go away for a few days together next week (they've been on annual leave together for one week already but last week changed their plans due to my anxiety of being alone and their fears of me being admitted to hospital) now that the hospital scare has passed! (whew) This is a real positive for them and us all! (y)

Hope you've had a good day! x

Suzi
08-09-17, 07:36 PM
You really are amazing. I am in awe of you and your inner strength. I love that you are so determined!

JustEM
10-09-17, 05:44 PM
Thanks, Suzi! That's very kind of you to say :) ... although I most certainly DO still need to push myself a lot harder sometimes! (or always!!) (nod)

Means a lot to me to have others here who 'get it' show me such kindness and encouragement. Thank you. :)

I was really proud of myself today! (y) I've been alone since yesterday morning until this afternoon and coped really well with no anxiety at all. I took total advantage of the torrential rain and started to devour a new book (I haven't read for AGES!) Then I motivated myself to get up and ready this morning and to catch four buses (with an hour's worth of waiting between bus rides in the rain and cold) to go to a job interview. It would have been so much easier to have just stayed at home and not tried. I was so pleased that I tried!! (nod) I will know if I got it on Tuesday.... to start this coming Friday! (y)

Then my sister-in-law popped over for the afternoon with my three year old niece which was lovely. :)

I'm going to meet the volunteer co-ordinator at the horticulture/ecotherapy project tomorrow morning, too. (The charity project for MH sufferers that my therapist recommended me for.) I'm going with my parents and then we plan to make a day of it and stay there a while after.

Tomorrow evening, I'm going for the first time to an eating disorder support group! A bit nervous but determined to give it a shot at least!

I have to meet the OT AGAIN tomorrow which fills me with anxiety, but hopefully I'll keep my positive spirits up when she pops around. (My eating's been appalling this weekend and the supplement drinks went down the sink but I won't share this with her. Now people are around me from tomorrow, I know that my eating will improve.).

Hope you've all had a good weekend.

Thanks for reading! This helps me to get my thoughts out! ;)

Suzi
10-09-17, 08:59 PM
That's all so positive - but why did the drinks go down the sink?

JustEM
11-09-17, 05:48 AM
I feel worse if I drink them. I don't want to gain weight because I'm scared that will make me feel worse and I really need to avoid everything that will make me feel worse! I think the fear stems back to when I received some negative comments about my weight last year when the symptoms of depression first started showing again.

It's okay though. The fear of being admitted to hospital is preventing me from slipping into the eating disorder side of things. I'm with others now too so I'll comply more to keep the peace. I just can't be bothered when I'm left to my own devices. Think we're all a bit like that sometimes though?

Hopefully I can work through these fears when my therapy sessions start again.

magie06
11-09-17, 07:54 AM
You have taken giant steps in the last few days. Well done and congratulations on all you have done.

Suzi
11-09-17, 09:44 AM
Have you told your Mum about not drinking them?

JustEM
11-09-17, 01:25 PM
Thank you Magie! :)

I went to the horticulture project today. I honestly loved the look of it! They hold an art class every Tuesday morning where they do pottery and on Wednesday afternoons they have mindfulness sessions held in a relaxing garden. On Tuesday afternoons and Wednesday mornings, there are gardening projects. They grow all their own fruits, vegetables and herbs. It looks great! I then went for a coffee with the other service users who were all really lovely! I'm going next Tuesday now! :)

Also off to my first face-to-face eating disorder support group tonight!

JustEM
11-09-17, 01:29 PM
Suzi, my mother always knows when I've restricted... Mother's instinct and all that. She's exasperated by it. She asked me when am I going to wake up and realise I have a problem?! I am trying in so many ways to get well and I'm not going too far into the eating disorder. I feel so guilty for upsetting her. I just can't seem to address it.

magie06
11-09-17, 01:58 PM
I think that if you spend all of your life trying to please others, then you don't get to live the life you are supposed to live.

You are making great strides into conquering your deamons. Try to take it one day at a time. Congratulate yourself on your daily successes and try not to worry about the things you don't get around to.

Suzi
11-09-17, 02:28 PM
I'm so glad you loved the project - it sounds amazing.
I wonder why you are restricting your eating - even as far as the shakes...

JustEM
11-09-17, 04:38 PM
Thanks Magie. It's nice to have some positivity! The OT just came by. I told her all this positive stuff and she's always banging on about hospital STILL. I told her I feel like each time she comes it's a threat to send me to hospital rather than a support to keep me out?! She's very negative and says I'm on the edge of being admitted. I wish I could escape from her! Meeting my care co-coordinator Wednesday though and really need reassurance about all of this hospital business. Have to be weighed Thursday and bloods again. Ugh.

Still, you're right. One day at a time and I'm not letting her spoil things.

JustEM
11-09-17, 04:42 PM
Yeah, Suzi. It looked great! And I instantly felt comfortable there and like I fitted in! The people seemed really nice and they even put me down to do a horticulture qualification already!

Don't know what's up with the eating. Being labelled with an eating disorder makes me feel pressured to have one, if that makes sense? It's like the depression is dismissed sometimes when I know it's the cause of not eating. Low mood, stress, self-punishment too in a way and the inability to be bothered and fear that eating will make me feel worse. All a bit of a jumble of reasons really!

Paula
11-09-17, 04:49 PM
Hunni, I suspect it's not threatening, more that she needs you to understand how poorly you are. If she never mentioned hospital then one day came in to get you sectioned, giving you no opportunity to improve, that wouldn't be fair. Believe me, she won't be wanting you to go into hospital, she'll be wanting you to get better at home.

JustEM
11-09-17, 05:27 PM
Yeah. I don't like her attitude though regardless.

You're right though, she has to mention it. I'm trying not to let the fear of hospital consume me though, and take each day as it comes. I don't have to see her until Friday now anyways and as long as my weight doesn't drop by Thursday (I'm not intentionally trying to lose weight!) I will be fine. I'm going to weigh in Boots first so I'm not anxious when I go to the GP. I feel like she's just waiting for the opportunity to admit me! But I suppose she just has a duty of care, right?

Decided against the ED support group tonight. Third time I've decided against it now so I think that shows that deep-down, I don't really want to go! I will do an online ED support group tonight though which I do every night and find very positive. There's also an anorexia group online after my daily group tonight too so that's a good alternative!

Suzi
11-09-17, 06:06 PM
Why did you decide against the support group?

JustEM
11-09-17, 06:43 PM
Because this time around, I know my problems are rooted in the depression. I just didn't want to sit around with other anorexic sufferers if I'm honest. I feel like it's a life I was once consumed by and I don't want to go back or be associated with it?

I'm going to Mind tomorrow though to check out the depression group. I feel that will benefit me more.

The online groups for ED are good though... and not triggering!

Suzi
11-09-17, 08:37 PM
Fair enough. Sounds like you've really thought it out...

JustEM
13-09-17, 06:44 PM
Hope everyone is as well as they can be right now! :)

Little post on the ups and downs...

Tried out the Mind groups and the mental health drop-in centre. Both weren't actually for me for totally acceptable and rational reasons (I'm not making excuses, honestly! (nod) ) but I'm glad I went and tried them all the same. It's good to see what support works best for us each as individuals. (nod)

Managed to pick myself up from a major stressor regarding my appointment with my dear OT on Monday that was escalated by a very rude GP yesterday who made me burst into tears! :x I'm still going to allow myself to feel anxiety before things that stress me out and to allow myself to feel anger after things that upset me BUT I'm now feeling committed to LIMITING the time that I spend doing this so as not to let others' actions completely ruin my day. (ninja) A difficult concept to put into practice but it's most definitely something I feel committed to really trying to do! (y) I'm also feeling committed to stopping beating myself up so much all the time and to focusing on the positives much more. Like yesterday, okay I spent the whole day in bed in self-pity and misery BUT there was a time that I spent many days that way and now I only had one... and then I got up and showered and went out and was up and out early this morning again. Little victories. (nod)

I saw my CPN care co-ordinator today. She's so lovely and totally reassured me about the whole hospital thing. Turns out she'd been having her own issues with the OT behind the scenes and she also didn't understand why they were threatening me with hospital and tube feeding. (She did still refer to my BMI as 'a sh*tty BMI' though (giggle) and encouraged me to get it up a tad so I can start CBT focused on my depression next month.) I've also maintained my weight (no increase yet but at least no loss) and my bloods weren't of much concern this week either so things generally are looking better that way. (whew) Hopefully I'll have a smoother appointment with the OT on Friday. I don't want it to feel like a tension all the time!

I also got the job too - I start Friday! (rofl)

Take care everybody! Happy Wednesday! x

Paula
13-09-17, 07:00 PM
That's such a fantastic post! Well done Em ;)

JustEM
13-09-17, 07:18 PM
Thanks Paula!! (panda) x

Suzi
13-09-17, 09:51 PM
Well done lovely! What's the job? Tell us everything! :)

JustEM
14-09-17, 06:21 PM
Thanks Suzi! :)

It's at Millie's Cookies! It's only part time - 15 hours, so 2-3 days but it's a good start until I feel I'm definitely mentally ready to start and sustain full time work again. (nod)

As it's food-related again, my dear mother did roll her eyes when I told her where I'd be working, but perked up when I promised to work there on the condition that I actually eat one of the cookies from there each week! (nod)

Suzi
14-09-17, 09:43 PM
Good! One of the biggest ones with lots of chocolate and sprinkles ;)

JustEM
15-09-17, 07:00 PM
Haha! I'll do my best.... :x ;)

Job went well today! Easy enough, nice manager and got full marks in the induction tests! (y)

Met with the OT later this afternoon. Told her how she makes me feel she's threatening me with hospital rather than supporting me to stay out. She said she was sorry I felt that way and suggested I only see her once weekly rather than three times with the hope that I'll feel less stressed and pressured! (whew I was pleased about this because our frequent meetings were provoking much anxiety! She also said she'll help me address other areas of concern rather than just focusing on eating the whole time next week. Things like goal-setting to help me achieve what I want in life and to hopefully help me find some more direction. I've become quite lost.

Had a bit of a wake up call just now though. My parents noted how I'm taking advantage living with them. Not that I'm difficult to live with as such and I know they love and support me and wouldn't boot me out heartlessly in the state I'm in, but I also know that as a 23 year old woman I am taking advantage by living here. It's easier to succumb to depression and to lie under it all and not to turn up for work when there aren't as many responsibilities and no big bills to pay. I am making baby steps towards working again and volunteering etc. But a wake up call is what I need. I know I really need to grow up and get on.

They also drew attention to my eating disorder - something I seem to avoid to the point of denying its existence. They weren't trying to upset me or criticise me (we all know it's an illness) but simply pointing out how manipulative I can be and how much I lie. It's difficult. I know it has a hold of me. There's two sides of me - one that is going along as if everything is totally fine and then the other who lives on melon and coke zero and feeds the sink supplement drinks). I think because I've lost my way, friends and sense of worth in life, 'being anorexic' or rather 'having' anorexia feels like a possession - something I have of my own. Life felt out of control and I felt lost. My body became the thing I could control. I know I need help with my eating. I am trying to put things in place in my life to motivate me to eat more but it's like the eating disorder fights against that. Like today, I ate LESS even though I worked at this new job.

Sorry for the waffle!

Other than the not-eating business though, things generally are going quite well. I've been doing more activities that I enjoy to keep distracted and to boost my mood. I've also cracked a bad habit of being too lazy to get undressed at night and have not slept in my day clothes for two weeks straight! Think the sertraline could be something that will work for me, too. Only three weeks now but have increased and I'm sticking with it.

Wishing everyone a positive and enjoyable weekend!!

Paula
15-09-17, 08:45 PM
Well done for talking to the OT, love. Thing is, they can't change their approach if they don't know how it's affecting you.

You know, I'm so impressed your relationship with your parents means they can talk honestly with you without you taking offence or feeling like they're pressurising you. That's says a lot of good about all three of you :)

Suzi
15-09-17, 10:15 PM
I completely agree with Paula. That's an amazingly honest and open post. Well done for talking to the OT and to your parents lovely...

JustEM
16-09-17, 06:12 PM
Thanks ladies! (panda)

Totally right there, Paula. It's about finding what support benefits us each as individuals. I feel relieved I don't have to see her three times a week now haha! (whew)

Yeah, I have a great relationship with my parents. I feel more motivated to grow up and get on! They're a great support for me. I'm very fortunate there. :)

Suzi
16-09-17, 09:35 PM
You sound upbeat lovely which is great...
Give your Mum a massive thanks for being so awesome!

JustEM
20-09-17, 07:02 PM
Yeah, as positive as ever me Suzi! ;) Ah yeah, my mam is an angel. I would honestly be lost without her!

I had a big wake up call today. Met with ED services at the clinic. I lost quite a lot of weight in a short space of time and my BMI shows 'severe anorexia' at 13. My bloods showed abnormalities, too. The neutrophils were low (basically, my immune system is down and if I got an infection, my body would struggle to recover.) People can be admitted to hospital if the levels go below 1 due to the risk of infection and my levels were at 1.1. Close call. Jammy as ever.

Anyways! They've referred me to hospital BUT as I, my parents and my care co-coordinator ALL think hospital would be the worst option for me (unless obviously things were desperate), they have given me one last chance to comply at home. Starting today, I have to drink three supplement drinks. I've asked my parents to watch me drink them to ensure I don't 'feed' the sink with them!! I'm going back to the clinic on Friday. To avoid hospital admission from there, I need to ensure I comply these next three days, that my weight doesn't drop and that my bloods don't deteriorate! So hopefully, like a cat with nine lives, I have avoided hospital!!

The ED services said if I do get admitted, they would support the idea of me orally taking on the calories by eating and drinking supplement drinks to avoid NG tube feeding, so if worst does come to worst and I am admitted... I'm not so terrified about it because there's a way I can avoid that horrible tube again!

On a lighter note, I had a good appointment with my care co-coordinator today. She's great. She told me to reward myself every time I drink one of these drinks by doing something I enjoy doing. This makes it not feel like I'm only doing it for the ED services to back off but that I'm doing it to be able to do more in my life! She's meeting me next week and taking me to Costa for a coffee as a 'reward'.

Think the medication is starting to kick in, too. I'm getting pleasure out of doing things for the first time in a long time! I'm particularly enjoying painting flower pots for Christmas gifts!

I love my job at Millie's Cookies! I honestly think it's the perfect job for me! My local stall is really quiet and my manager said as long as all the work is done and it's clean, he's happy for me to bring in a book or magazine and even go on my phone haha! What kind of job is that? Love it. He said in October, he'd be able to give me full time hours between my local stall and a shop in the city centre which is busier and where more people work. So there's chance of me meeting others, too. This is something really worth guzzling down those drinks for!

The eco therapy project is a bit of a trek to get to unfortunately but it's not impossible! Turns out the buses change with the school holidays!! The project co-coordinator is back from annual leave in a few weeks so I can join them again then! By then, I should be a little physically healthier too.

Therapy appointment then tomorrow with my lovely therapist who I haven't seen in five weeks!! Due a session!

Onwards and upwards, now.

Suzi
20-09-17, 09:58 PM
Why haven't you been drinking and eating lovely? I'm worried about you.
Your care coordinator sounds lovely and I think she's completely right - it shouldn't be torture but something to reward yourself with. What things are you planning to reward yourself with?

JustEM
20-09-17, 11:35 PM
I don't even know really, Suzi. I know there were several reasons why I stopped initially right back in January. I think when the body becomes malnourished, the mind suffers too.... And I went a bit far. Anorexia is a weird illness. It makes you feel great and positive and completely in denial of the seriousness of it all but at the same time gravely unwell both mentally and physically. Even now the news they told me today hasn't sunk in. It doesn't feel real. It's an illness and I think in some ways it's like an addiction. A lot of it is about control.

I have complied with the drinks today though and will again tomorrow.

Have rewarded myself today with an afternoon of painting and a nice chin wag with my dear auntie on the phone. Tomorrow, I plan to pick up some new books from the library and browse around a little market town and see if I can pick my mam up a little nice something, maybe take a nice hot bubble bath, download a new album to play whilst painting, I would like to go to the cinema at the weekend but maybe just watch a new movie at home instead. Just little things really. Simple pleasures! I'm also looking forward to working at the weekend. I hope to be spending Friday night selling cookies and not drinking supplement drinks on a hospital ward!

Suzi
21-09-17, 09:55 AM
Well done hunni... I do "get" the whole issues surrounding control...

JustEM
21-09-17, 10:19 AM
Yeah, cheers Suzi.

My stomach's feeling a bit sicky and 'bleurgh'. Could be that I'm just not used to the calories from the drinks or that it's my head.
Regardless, I'm still complying.

Feel a bit flat but trying to stay positive as always. Off for a browse around town before therapy then an afternoon of painting. Keep going aye?

Have a good day x

Suzi
21-09-17, 11:38 AM
Be kind to yourself gorgeous. You're battling hard.

JustEM
21-09-17, 01:33 PM
Thanks hun. (panda) And you too! (bear)

Just treated myself to two new books from a vintage book store and picked up some little gifts for my parents. Impressed myself by managing to get served despite having no ID (I look SO young!) and got my dad a cool bottle of beer. Love spending money I don't really have haha! ;)

Had a great session with my therapist. We just chatted and she didn't charge me. She said she can see that mentally I am in a much better place and that things seem much better for me at home with my parents. She feels I'm in a good place for some more sessions with her and sees a change in me because I am finally actually doing things for myself. Happy days.

Plus I get to see my little three year old niece this afternoon which is always a joy.

So lots to be thankful for. Hope all is well your end. X

magie06
21-09-17, 02:05 PM
Well done. That's such a positive post. Enjoy your time with your little niece and treasure every moment with her. They grow up so fast.

JustEM
21-09-17, 06:21 PM
Thanks Magie!

Yeah, always keeping positive I am!

Aw I do! She's a joy. Can't believe she's in nursery already!

Hope all is well with you xx

Suzi
21-09-17, 09:16 PM
Sounds like a good day - how's the shakes gone?

JustEM
21-09-17, 11:19 PM
Yeah, it was a good day!

I've drunk them all again today. My stomach actually hurts a little. It's just not used to calories or nutrition! So that's a little uncomfortable but manageable.

I know I may well slip into old ways again when the hospital scare is avoided but I also know the ED services know this and won't exactly back away from me!

Part of me wants to get through tomorrow with ED services and then go back to what feels more comfortable but the other part knows my body is grateful for the nutrition. Plus the whole 'reward' thing works well.

Taking each day as it comes. OT in the morning then blood results, weighing and ECG in the afternoon. Hopefully no hospital admission after that!

Suzi
22-09-17, 10:04 AM
Thinking of you today lovely. Please let us know how you get on!!

magie06
22-09-17, 10:21 AM
I'm sitting here with bated breath waiting to find out how you get on. Good luck.

JustEM
22-09-17, 03:33 PM
Thanks SO much ladies!!

Appointment went well! Gained weight and my BMI isn't at a scary level and has skipped up to 14. The neutrophil levels in my blood also improved and there are no concerns about my electrolyte and potassium levels. So NO hospital admission for me!! Woo hoo!

I actually burst out crying and dropped an 'F Bomb' in the appointment. Think I was just so exhausted from being so positive. I was so overwhelmed and relieved!!

The OT was supposed to meet me this morning so I could drink a supplement with her but she cancelled on me by text... Which I didn't get due to expecting her to come and thus not checking my phone. Then I couldn't get hold of her about my blood results and my anxiety was through the roof! So today I told her openly how this had made me feel. She apologised and we patched it up. She's coming by Monday and we are going to look at setting other not just food related goals and will do a relaxation exercise together. She's not so bad after all.

Working tonight now and tomorrow!

Everybody have a lovely weekend! Thank you for your support all xxx

Suzi
22-09-17, 09:41 PM
I could drop the F bomb for you too! I'm so fing pleased for you! Well done love! I'm thrilled for you!

JustEM
22-09-17, 10:25 PM
Hehehe thank you Suzi (panda)

That's fing fantastic! ;)

Just got back from work and it went really well! Came home with free cookies for my parents bless them! :P

You have a lovely weekend xx

Suzi
23-09-17, 11:09 AM
Did you eat a cookie? I'm sure we made a deal that you would lol.....

JustEM
23-09-17, 04:12 PM
Hehe we did lol yes! I haven't as of yet although in all fairness I have been on the shakes haha!

Suzi
23-09-17, 08:54 PM
Hmm.... I hope you do get to eat one - hey, maybe one day we'll share one! :) You had better keep on with those shakes ;) You keep putting weight on and I'll work just as hard at trying to lose it ;)

JustEM
23-09-17, 09:40 PM
I will one day again, I'm certain. (angel) Hey, that would be a cool idea too! (panda)

Okay, I'll do my best and you do yours. We got this, girl! (y) (sorry in advance for my not so compliant days though... It's easier said than done! ;) )

Take care Suzi. Thanks for being so supportive! xx

Suzi
24-09-17, 11:14 AM
If it was easy love you wouldn't have been dealing with it for so long..... You'd just "do it." One shake/step/piece of lettuce at a time ;)

JustEM
25-09-17, 06:08 PM
That's true.
Haha, one lettuce leaf! Love it lol.
Few awful days compliance-wise but it's been an emotional time and when emotions are high life gets stressful, the depression gets rubbish and the eating gets pathetic. Had some really sad news last night but just going with the flow.

Positive is I've cried twice (albeit in front of the OT!) and I haven't been able to cry in ages. I also really enjoyed working at the weekend.

If I'm honest, I need to be supervised to eat. Not supported as such as I can get on with it, but if I'm alone I just won't eat and tip away the shakes....

Suzi
25-09-17, 08:30 PM
What happened love?

JustEM
26-09-17, 12:33 PM
To be honest Suzi, think I was so overwhelmed last week to hear from the ED services that I was lucky to be alive and that my illness had become 'severe' and 'life threatening' (honestly didn't realise it had even become this bad) and so relieved that I had managed to keep so positive and work so hard to stay out of hospital that after that I just lost all control. I worked the same night I was told I was lucky to be alive and for nine hours on no food the next day! Then I starved on only fruit for three days straight.

Found out two nights ago my sister in law has had a third miscarriage. Seeing my happy go lucky brother so desperately sad honestly broke my heart.

Today I told my mother everything. She is such a big support and has agreed to supervise me to make sure I drink the shakes and eat the agreed bits of food. It's scary but I don't want to live this way anymore! My auntie said eat to be able to do the things you want rather than only thinking of eating to gain weight.

I just had some lunch and feel so much more energised. I can do this!

Getting weighed again at the clinic tomorrow and have to fess up to the services, but I am asking for more support now!

Suzi
26-09-17, 06:35 PM
I really feel for your sister in law. I know the pain of miscarriage. (hugs)
I'm so glad you're so open with your Mum. It's so brilliant that she's willing to help and not add to the problems.

Are you sure that working with food is a good idea lovely when you are struggling with it so much?

I'm amazed that you are still so upbeat and positive. You are amazing.

JustEM
27-09-17, 11:46 AM
Thanks Suzi. I'm sorry that you know the pain of miscarriage, too. Sending big hugs right back to you, hun! My sister in law is being remarkably strong.

My mam is such a support. I went to the clinic today and came clean with the OT. I hit my lowest weight now at four and a half stone and my bloods are out. I'm on my absolute last warning before hospital. I've been struggling with refeeding physically so have agreed to have three supplements and three small snacks of melon, grapes and a couple of rivitas through the day. As after eating yesterday I almost vomitted and had to lie down from dizziness after drinking a simple supplement! My stomach has been making horrible squelching sounds. They don't want me to have refeeding syndrome.

Amazingly, they're still allowing me to work! The OT said I really need to comply though because I could collapse. I'm going back to the clinic on Friday.

Work gives me a sense of normality. It's a respite for me. It doesn't feel too food-focused. It's only cookies and there are lots of other things to do there so it's not like the chef jobs I've done before. Thanks for the thought though.

That's very kind of you to say, Suzi! I do try my very best to keep positive! I've started a new project actually... There's a charity event in six weeks at my local Church and I'm running my own stall setting hand-painted flower pots, homemade pies and homemade chutneys! I've really rekindled my love for painting! So I'm always setting little goals for myself and choosing life!

Hope you're having a good week xx

Suzi
27-09-17, 01:42 PM
4 1/2 stone? Seriously lovely, you need to comply because that's a scary low weight, and we're just getting the chance to know you. From what I do know about you, I think you're pretty dam awesome, but you're going to have to make this work so we can get to know you more.
I have to confess to being a big bit out of my depth with the ED stuff, so you might have to help me on the way if that's OK? But I promise you, I'll be here with you throughout this - as long as you want me to be.
I don't know where you are based, but I know there are loads of things that I'm sure you haven't done yet, so let's beat this (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ty ED OK?
I'd love to see some of your painting lovely. I can tell you're really creative.

One step and one supplement at a time? OK?

JustEM
27-09-17, 09:30 PM
Thanks Suzi! From what I know of you so far, you are clearly such a lovely, kind and compassionate person! Thank you for your support. Of course, I would be so grateful for you to be a part of this journey of recovery! Thank you. Please feel you can off-load to me about anything too, hun. I'm told I give pretty good advice!

Ah, I don't get EDs myself! They're a complicated business, but feel free to ask anything and I'll do my best to explain.

I got off the phone with the OT this afternoon who said I could collapse and that this could kill me. Sigh. As bloody positive as ever, bless her! Then I went to work and it felt totally overwhelming, surreal and futile. I was honest with them. The girl I worked with seemed indifferent and more concerned about the rota issues than my heart, although she was only a nineteen year old kid love her. If they can permit me to do a maximum of three 3-hour shifts where I won't be working alone, it's do-able. Otherwise, I'll have to postpone it until I'm stronger. Due to work Saturday 4-7 next.

I'm a Welsh gal I am and there are lots of things I want to do in life. I do keep very positive and take day by day. I find focusing on one day at a time really is the best way to get through things. We honestly do only have today.

I am quite creative! I would love to share some of my art. Can I do that on here? I could share some snaps! Also some poetry, if you like!

How about you? Are you creative too? X

Suzi
28-09-17, 08:44 AM
Maybe your OT is trying to get you to acknowledge how serious this is? Maybe all she sees is your positivity and has mistaken it for you not understanding how serious it is for your health? Might be worth telling her that you do understand how important it is, but her saying things like that is making it harder, not easier?

I love Wales - are you south or north? One of my closet friends is in South Wales and it's one of my favourite places in the world.
As long as you use a different hosting site and then link to the picture - there is a thread on how to do it- then yes of course you can share some of your work in the creative section! I crochet and cross stitch and used to write a fair bit....

JustEM
28-09-17, 11:15 AM
Yeah, I totally agree with that. At the end of the day, they have a duty of care. The ED Team Leader wasn't best pleased and thinks I should be in hospital. So does my mother, but everyone is trying to keep me out and I really feel I will be able to avoid it. That's great advice though. It's always best to be open and honest from the onset. She phoned me this morning and said that yesterday she felt for the first time that I do actually want to get well. She's nice. My ED just hates her sometimes.

She told me to go to A&E if I start to feel unwell or to call her and she'll sort me a hospital bed. This all feels a little surreal and double-life writing this as I'm on the bus to a market town for my therapy session....

I'm from the South! Born in the little Valley towns but now I live by the coast and it's beautiful. Something special about the Valleys though. Nothing much there but the good Welsh spirit!

Okay, that sounds cool. Maybe I'll venture out and share something soon. Crochet sounds good! I tried knitting once when I was badly anorexic at 17 at a time when the adolescent MH services considered even breathing as exercise lol. I lost so many hours knitting and loved it. Was embarrassingly bad at it though, but everyone loved their lop-sided scarves hehe!

I love to write, too. Why the 'used to' write a fair bit? I especially love to write poetry.

Hope you have a lovely day. It's a nice sunny one here in Wales!

Paula
28-09-17, 11:42 AM
Hey lovely, I’ve just caught up on everything and I’m really, really worried for you ....... I love how positive you are but I’m hoping you’re really starting to take your illness seriously.

I’d love to see some of your art! :)

JustEM
28-09-17, 01:35 PM
Hey Paula,

Yeah, it's all a bit surreal! Part of me (not in a depressing way but I say this with more of a sense of relief and desire to be free) wants to just collapse for it all to be over. Just coming from therapy now though and she's helped me see just how many people ARE rooting for me to get well and that deep-down, I DO actually want to get better. We're working on me getting well for me and discovering what it is I want out of life.

I am trying to take it seriously. It's all a bit 'double life'.

Oo okay great! I shall have to share some then!

Hope all is as well as it can be with you hun xx

Suzi
28-09-17, 05:22 PM
I'm glad you want to get better. I want you to get better.

I'm rubbish at knitting, Magie and Flo are awesome, so if you need some help I'm sure they will help.

JustEM
28-09-17, 08:18 PM
Thanks Suzi.

So far, with the supervision, I'm coping with the snacks and shakes and not feeling the horrible symptoms so much. So far so good.

Great therapy session today though! She wants to see me twice a week and is giving me one of the sessions for free! Spoke to the OT again today and she seemed positive. There was a slight improvement with my bloods so as long as my weight doesn't decrease tomorrow (it won't), I will be able to stay at home.

I'm also meeting weekly with my CPN who's so lovely and reassuring. She told me I've got my first appointment with the psychologist from the CMHT in October even though my BMI hasn't reached 15.

So I have all the support I need in place now and I know I have a wonderful family around me. I'm in a good environment to move forward!

Millie's have given me some shorter shifts but cared far more about the rota than the fact my heart could stop beating and I could collapse. It's not the end of the world if this little job doesn't work out as there's always work around my local area and if I have a few hours here and there then that's a bonus. Next in Saturday!

Still doing lots of things I enjoy and to keep me busy. The painting has been a real triumph! 'Homework' from my therapist today is to paint two pots for ME and to write a creative piece or poem about the experience of doing this. She also asked me to write two poems by next week. We shared a coffee and a supplement together in our session today, which was oddly lovely!

Lots of nice things planned for the next few days, too. Checking out the farmers market Saturday morning to enquire into doing my own stall, cinema Saturday night, day out with my little niece and a night in with my brother and sister in law.

My mood is doing much better. Thanks sertraline. Increasing the dose in two weeks' time.

Goals for the future!

1. Start the horticulture/eco-therapy project in two weeks.
2. Start volunteering at the soup kitchen in two weeks.
3. Continue to work and hopefully be well enough to increase hours in a couple weeks' time. (or get a more appropriate job!)
4. Then I really want to work on getting out and meeting people. I have no friends and, whilst South Wales is beautiful, my hometown is lonely and isolating.

Don't know why I ramble on like this. Think it helps me process things in my brain!

Suzi
28-09-17, 09:06 PM
It's not rambling, it's making friends...

JustEM
29-09-17, 12:35 PM
Yes, by means of rambling....;)

Sorry, my head's everywhere.

Thanks Suzi x

Suzi
29-09-17, 02:04 PM
How are you today lovely?

JustEM
29-09-17, 03:12 PM
Not bad, thanks.

Mood a bit flat as I'm tired of being a full-time mental health patient. Just coming from the clinic. Slight improvement with my bloods and weight. Everyone thinks hospital is where I should be and the OT said I'm her worst patient she's most concerned about. She said I'm at real risk of collapse. But I'm still out of hospital for the weekend and going back to the clinic Monday. Fun times!

All feels a bit surreal. I can't seem to see the seriousness of it all.

I've had to knock Millie's Cookies on the head unfortunately. They really don't want me working there. Bit of a blow but not the end of the world. Fortunately, I can find work quite easily where I live.

On the plus side though, my mother came home from work today with a huge bag of home grown apples for me to make Christmas chutney this weekend! I'm also planting three of my pots today to give as a gift for my sister in law who has just lost her baby. Starting another pot tonight and the OT has asked me to write a poem for Monday! Also making a cornbread for my mother to say thank you. So lots to keep me busy!

How are you doing? X

Paula
29-09-17, 05:30 PM
Sweetie, it worries me that you can’t see how poorly you are. I’ve had to learn over the years that, if everyone around me is telling me something I don’t want to hear, I have to trust them .....

Suzi
29-09-17, 08:39 PM
I wish you could see that you really poorly, and that you have to take it seriously, because there are loads of people who desperately want you to stay around....

You can do this. You can beat it.

JustEM
29-09-17, 09:20 PM
I know.... I think sometimes it's hard to see something when you're so far into it. The OT told me I could die today and it was like she said something about the weather. It's not that I don't care, I think my brain just can't process it. It doesn't feel real to me.

But thanks Paula, you're right. The MH services and those closest to me wouldn't be telling me this if it wasn't true or serious. I have to accept that and I do trust them.

Thanks Suzi. I know, I'm blessed to have people rooting for me. I know I can beat it. I've beat it twice before. I feel like I can't be bothered to fight again but I am still complying (albeit reluctantly and only to prevent hospitalisation).

Suzi
30-09-17, 12:15 PM
How are you doing today lovely?

JustEM
30-09-17, 12:48 PM
Thanks for checking in on me.

Bit meh today. Mood is flat as a pancake. Can't be arsed with anything, really. That's to be expected though if I'm doing more of what I don't want to do (nourishment) and less of what I do want to do (physical activity and work). Plus I feel like I'm only doing it to stay out of hospital which isn't the greatest motivation. Still, at least I'm still at home painting and complying.

Keeping the goal of being able to go to work and have an outlet of my own as my focus. It's what helped me last time, actually. Work will be what gives me that sense of 'normality' away from my current life of full time mental illness. Maybe this will be what actually makes me be able to stick at a job!

Painting my brother a Starbucks-related pot today (he's coffee mad!) to feel with lots of tasty treats as a little gift to cheer him up a bit. Cheers me up a bit, too.

How are you doing? X

Paula
30-09-17, 01:15 PM
Are you seeing anyone today?

JustEM
30-09-17, 01:20 PM
Not today, but my parents are present when I'm at home. They can't trust me to be alone in case I restrict and over-exert. Which I probably would.

Quiet day today, I don't feel like going out.

magie06
30-09-17, 01:26 PM
Stay in then. It's no harm to stay home and have a lazy day every now and again. Thinking of you even when I don't reply, you are on my mind a lot.

JustEM
30-09-17, 04:31 PM
Thanks Magie, that really means a lot.

You're right, nothing wrong with a cosy day in with the Welsh drizzle outside!

Hope all is as well as it can be with you right now!

Suzi
30-09-17, 06:45 PM
I love that you're still painting and letting out your creativity.
It's a weird day here today.. One where I've been busy, but not got anything to show for it!

JustEM
30-09-17, 06:59 PM
Ah, I have to Suzi. I get engrossed in it and the hours honestly fly by!

I've been really angry today though. Screamed a few expletives at the washing machine when the spinner was on full whack earlier and blasted out the rock music.

Haven't bothered with showering and such today, but it's okay. I allow myself days like this sometimes.

Haha, I have too many days like that myself Suzi! I love to faff! I'm sure you'd have more than you think you could show for it if you stopped and looked!

Suzi
30-09-17, 09:36 PM
Why have you been angry lovely? Do you want to talk about it?

JustEM
30-09-17, 11:30 PM
Just angry that I have to do what my head really doesn't want to. I feel better left to my own devices. I don't want to get well and I'm angry that the only reason I'm complying is to prevent being tube fed in hospital and to appease some OT who thinks she understands but doesn't have a bloody clue and who I don't give a bloody jot about.

There's just no motivation to get well. I've got no friends at all (not even colleagues or sort-of friends), no job, I'm not a part or member of anything and I get no real sense of fun out of anything other than bloody flower pot painting. And I'm 23, like! I feel like such a loser and a total joke, failure and embarrassment. I have no big aspirations for the future now because all my plans since last year just kept fizzling out. I'm fed up of things messing up through my life - my education, my employment, my relationships and my dreams.

And my anger is directed towards anyone encouraging or supervising me to eat.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I think. Feel so angry and fed up that I've had mental health problems for over half my life and I'm still only young. Can't believe I'm back here again after being severely anorexic at 10 and again at 17. Feels never-ending and I'm done fighting.

There's also tension in the house now there is need for Mass and to go out!

JustEM
30-09-17, 11:38 PM
Don't know what the very last sentence means haha!! - Predictive typing!! I meant to say there is increased tension in my house now between my anger, frustration and horrendous mood, my mother's nags to drink and almost-threats of hospital and her total exasperation with me, with my dad's inability to know how to deal with it all other than to over-work and put more pressure on mam.

Paula
01-10-17, 08:34 AM
I’m going to be blunt here, sorry. First, your OT is just doing her job. It’s her job to push you to ‘comply’, it’s her job to keep you safe - from this illness and yourself. It’s not her job to be your best friend and she’ll do whatever she can to stop you starving yourself to death. You may not give a jot about her but she gives a jot about you - that is her job ....

Second, as a mother to daughters (one of which is close to your age) I can tell you that she isn’t ‘nagging’ you to drink, she’s doing everything in her power to save her baby’s life. I can tell you that her heart is breaking right now, that she would much rather alienate you than watch you die while feeling completely helpless to stop it. I promise you that a little part of her dies every time you don’t drink, every time she sees the numbers on those scales go down, every time someone tells her you’re close to death. And your dad isn’t intentionally putting more pressure on your mum. He’s doing what 99.9% of men do when things get tough - they provide. It may not necessarily be the right course of action but it’s what they do

Third, I get it. I’ve battled my MH problems for 3 decades and I’m tired. But that doesn’t stop me fighting. Neither should you stop fighting. There is a life apart from mental illness, there is more to life than this - that I can promise - but You’re the only one who can make that happen. And you should make it happen - you’re a bright, warm, funny, big hearted woman and I know you’re going to have so much joy in your life. You’re allowed to have days where you’re feeling sorry for yourself but then you have to dry those tears, pick yourself up and keep fighting.

JustEM
01-10-17, 10:46 AM
Thanks Paula. Brutal honesty is what I need sometimes!

I know it's her job and I know I don't have to like her. I know she has a duty of care. I'm not saying she doesn't care at all - she obviously cares enough to do the job - but when you have MH issues it's so easy to root out those who care enough to get the job done and those who really, genuinely care. It doesn't help that she focuses on the negative all the time. (My mother agrees with this) She says 'eat because anorexia is killing you' rather than 'eat to stay well' and always asks me 'Do you want to go to hospital...?' Like it's some kind of threat. I'm seeing her again tomorrow with my mother and we're going to gently say that making too much reference to the 'you could die' aspect of it isn't helpful.

She also keeps saying how she 'gets' it. Sorry love, but she doesn't get what it's like to HAVE anorexia just because she works with sufferers three days a week. No matter how long you look at a patient, it won't make you feel it.

As for my mother, I know she's doing everything to support me. My parents are incredible. You're totally right about my dad! When life gets tough.... He heads to work, bless him! I've told my parents my anger and low mood is to be expected and they understand that. I'm busying myself with painting and staying out of their way if I feel crappy because I don't want to create any further tension. It's just easier that I comply.

That's so inspirational Paula, that you keep on fighting! And I'm so pleased and proud of you for achieving such goodness outside of mental illness. You must be a very strong and determined person! Keep fighting!

Yeah, I wallowed yesterday and still feel crappy today but not AS bad as yesterday. Painting and pyjama day again but might actually get over the grump and shower later on.

I'm trying to get well for ME - to work, to volunteer, to be able to exercise for my health, to join some exercise classes with my sister in law to boost my mood and meet new people and to eventually move out (my goals!) rather than to gain weight, avoid hospital, prevent tension at home or get the OT off my case.

Hope you have a nice day today! X

Suzi
01-10-17, 11:41 AM
Sweetheart you are amazing. You can do this. I want you to get well for you, for your parents, but also selfishly because I know how much I like talking to you! You really are more than your mental health issues. You are a strong, intelligent and loving young lady who really has so much ahead of her and I know the world isn't always going to be as hard for you as it is right now.

JustEM
01-10-17, 02:53 PM
Thank you, Suzi. That's really very kind of you to say all of that. I like talking to you, too! You are always so supportive and encouraging. Thank you!

I've been through recovery twice before and know it gets worse before it gets better. I know I can do this. Both times before, I didn't want to get well. It was like it is now - that I've kind of been forced to make a choice of how I want to get onto the road to recovery! But both times I got out of it, I swore I would never relapse. And life did get better. In fact, at times, it got wonderful!

I know I'm more than another mental health statistic. It's just been a long, tiresome road.

I want to be able to want to get better for me, but right now I'm not in that mindset. I would however rather not be this way than be this way (I just don't want to face the fight of getting well) so I guess that's a start.

Suzi
01-10-17, 04:41 PM
Can I ask a difficult question? Why don't you want to get better for you? Why aren't you worth fighting for?

JustEM
01-10-17, 07:13 PM
Hmm. Guess I feel like a complete failure. An embarrassment. A joke.

I don't have a job and can't ever get a 'good' job other than unfulfilling work or catering work with my enemy - food, I'm not in education, I have NO friends whatsoever and can't seem to meet anyone my age no matter how much I've tried, I have no purpose each day, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I haven't got my own place to live, I don't even drive and I suffer with really bad depression which re-inforces my feelings that I'm a 'lazy', 'lay-about', 'loser'.

This feeling of 'not being good enough' stems back to when I was just nine years old. I've moved on from that time but every time I experience a big failure, it acts as a trigger for me to fall into depression, not eating and a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

For instance, I came out of school with all A*s and was being encouraged to study medicine. Then I was badly hurt by a friend and ended up dropping out of school to wash dishes and fell into a serious anorexia relapse. I went back to sixth form but due to my illness remarkably scraped through my A Levels. But I never went to Uni.

I over came anorexia and had such a good relationship with food that I went full circle and wanted to train as a chef! I landed on the best course in the UK and did a placement at a Michelin starred restaurant. I did really well there but when I started college, I was badly bullied by others on the course. It was devastating after having worked so hard to get past my insecurities to be knocked back. I fell into a deep depression and no job compared to the opportunity I had been given.

The trigger this time was feeling not good enough whilst volunteering in Bosnia two summer's back. The community leader was manipulative and this was further re-inforced by me not joining the Convent in India last January.

Since then, things went from bad to worse.

Suzi
01-10-17, 08:35 PM
Wow... Some of that I was expecting, some I wasn't...
Michelin trained chef? Wow, I won't cook for you at any point! My cooking skills are legendary........

What's stopping you from training in something else? What about something like open uni? I've quite a few friends who have done or who are doing courses with them. At least you can work at your pace when you are able to?

Having had the chance to get to know you even a little I can't understand why you would feel you aren't good enough. I think you're really quite amazing. I think you are more than good enough. There is plenty of time for all the other things - but only if you start believing you're worth fighting for. I promise you that you are.

JustEM
01-10-17, 08:50 PM
Haha! Well, I didn't complete the training but the place was pretty incredible. Lucknam Park in Wiltshire... Give it a quick google! Oo legendary cooking skills... I like the sound of that! In my eating times lol, I love to cook too - especially baking!

I don't know what I want to do, really. I don't have the confidence to go through with interviews or offers for jobs I've wanted, like in a nursery or with the homeless. And I had a few knock backs last year that knocked my confidence.

But I absolutely cannot work with food anymore! I'm thinking of looking for a non-food related shop locally. Something part time to start with.

That's really nice of you to say that. Thanks for being so kind. Feeling a bit bleurgh tonight. Fed up of supplements and feel gross.Still, better than hospital!

Suzi
02-10-17, 08:01 AM
Morning love. I know of Lucknam Park ;) Wow....

OK something non food related - there are so many options. But maybe right now you need to focus on getting you better?

JustEM
02-10-17, 09:28 AM
Morning Suzi (hi)

Lucknam was incredible! A Welsh Head Chef, too! Hehe! But it wasn't meant to be and that's totally okay. It's all experience.

I'm a creative soul so probably something with children or people with learning disabilities as I have a good insight into that, too. But to be honest, I struggle to see myself in an 'important' job! I think something with little stress or pressure would suit me best first. It would still be an outlet and I can build my life outside of that.

There will be plenty of little shop jobs as Christmas is approaching, but you're right. Need to get well first.

Feeling brighter today though. Finally showered and dressed! Painting away again on my next pot for the charity stall with Kate Bush blasting. Clinic later this afternoon.

How are you doing?

Confession. My mother went to work and trusted me to drink my supplement un-supervised, but the sink beat me to it.

Paula
02-10-17, 10:52 AM
Ok, have you told her. If not, why not? And can you not have another one now instead?