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Jaquaia
17-07-17, 12:16 PM
I'm going to try and stop hiding in the darkest corners of the forum as it's not fair that my support comes from so few people. So this is me taking the first step.

I feel strange today. Last night I felt like I was bouncing off the walls, and that showed I think, in a group convo I was having last night. I was the life and soul and I am never the life and soul of anything. I've had about 6 hours sleep, and although it's taken me a little while to get going, I feel like I have loads of energy, I can't sit still. I'm extremely irritable and I'm getting irritated because my fingers aren't working fast enough to type this. My thoughts are racing and feel all disjointed.

It's such a strange feeling

S deleted
17-07-17, 03:30 PM
Woohoo, welcome to the outside world. You sound like me on a caffeine rush lol. Don't really have an answer but try to put the energy to good use.

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 03:56 PM
I just feel really jittery. I don't like it. It feels like I'm wound so tight and the smallest thing could make me snap.

S deleted
17-07-17, 04:02 PM
I know what you mean. It's times like that I am glad I live alone so no one to annoy me and no one for me to snap at.

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 04:44 PM
I have no idea how I manage not to snap some days.

Paula
17-07-17, 06:15 PM
It's so good to see you out here :).

Where are you with your meds at the mo?

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 06:21 PM
I'm on day 5 now

OldMike
17-07-17, 08:14 PM
It's almost like a manic episode you're experiencing Jaq.

I've not had a problem with racing thoughts though I've experienced disjointed thoughts in the past and found that most disconcerting.

It's is good you're posting your thoughts Jaq, I've probably missed it but it looks like you're doing some med changes (I got that idea from a couple of previous posts). If that is the case it could be causing what you're experiencing at the moment and maybe you just have to ride out the storm.

Take care Jaq (bear) (panda)

BookNerd
17-07-17, 08:17 PM
What medication are you on?

As for the jittering, I read somewhere it's due to excess adrenaline coursing through your body. They suggest going outside for a brisk walk or a run, which can be too much for me since I have low mood as well. I'm a beginner at yoga (I only started 3-4 weeks ago at the insistence of my husband so that I don't continually keep myself in the house) but googled some beginner positions that may relieve anxiety and even 5-10 minutes of trying to hold 3 basic poses relieved me of the jittery/shaking feeling and the heart pounding. Might work for you too? I was actually quite surprised it worked to be honest, but I was desperate at that point!

Angie
17-07-17, 08:21 PM
Good to see you out here hunni x

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 08:52 PM
I've been posting in the dark, dusty corners of the forum Mike (really Suzi! Those cobwebs are getting ridiculous now!) so you will have missed it. I've just come off escitalopram and am on day 5 of paroxetine. It's kind of my last resort as the doctors insist that there is nothing else they can give me if these don't work. Not good when things have been pretty bad.

Booknerd, it feels so different to anxiety. The only way I can manage it is to keep busy, with anxiety I can't.

magie06
17-07-17, 09:12 PM
Hi Jaquaia, welcome to the big wide world. It's really not that scary and we are gentle lot. (rofl)

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 09:15 PM
(giggle)

Paula
17-07-17, 09:30 PM
I'm just wondering if a mood stabiliser is worth asking your dr about .....

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 09:42 PM
My issue is getting the referral to the psych.

Paula
17-07-17, 09:44 PM
I know, will your GP even remotely consider prescribing something like that?

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 10:01 PM
I think I mentioned another gp had suggested it before and he disagreed. But I know that my mood today and yesterday is far from normal for me

Suzi
17-07-17, 10:35 PM
I've been posting in the dark, dusty corners of the forum Mike (really Suzi! Those cobwebs are getting ridiculous now!)
Oi! You know where the cleaning cupboard is!

I think you're handling this changeover really well love. I know it doesn't feel it right now, but you are doing great.
I also think there are many other things that they could try, should they be able to.

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 10:53 PM
I'm too short to reach the corners of the ceiling (giggle)

I just hate feeling like I have done the last couple of days. It isn't the first time it's happened, except last time it was dismissed when I mentioned itnto the doctor.

Suzi
17-07-17, 10:54 PM
It shouldn't be dismissed at all. Definitely keep a note of it love - you are still keeping a mood diary I hope?

Jaquaia
17-07-17, 11:19 PM
Have lapsed the past few weeks as it hurts to hold a pen. That and if I'm honest, just staying medicated, eating and drinking has been hard. I haven't had breakfast in well over a week

Angie
18-07-17, 07:47 AM
Oh hunni, am not going to lecture you on eating breakfast as eating isnt my best point, but please try x

Paula
18-07-17, 10:08 AM
Can you not do a diary on your phone, with voice text?

Suzi
18-07-17, 10:17 AM
I agree, use your phone, it doesn't have to be beautifully presented, just put down so it's current feelings etc...

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 12:06 PM
And here's the come down. Feeling so lethargic and empty today and anxiety has raised its ugly head, though that will hopefully settle once I've had my meds. I have hospital with the mother today so better find something to wear!

S deleted
18-07-17, 12:12 PM
I don't recommend your birthday suit

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 12:18 PM
Definitely not. It would traumatise everyone!

BookNerd
18-07-17, 01:52 PM
Hopefully it's all just the medication side effects and will settle down soon! It can be really frustrating with these GPs...I'm hesitant to move from my area because I've developed a good relationship with my GPs and have had crappy ones before, so I know how hard they are to find! Can you not see the GP that suggested the psych referral?

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 02:23 PM
I can see that one but we both know that the secondary mental health team won't consider me to be ill enough to be seen by them. I had 3 referrals rejected last year so I'm used to it.

Paula
18-07-17, 03:52 PM
Which is completely wrong :@

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 04:05 PM
We both know that Paula. I have a chronic, long-term illness which has a huge impact on my life but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not actively planning suicide so I'm classed as safe. My self-harm isn't a concern, I assume because I don't draw blood when I can't resist the urge. I don't have a clue which way to turn really.

Suzi
18-07-17, 05:50 PM
But having one referral denied is one thing, but to persistently refuse the same patient care when their GP is obviously concerned enough to refer you 3 times is outrageous. Maybe we all need to petition your local MP and tell them how shocking things are.... After all the government are meant to be making mental health one of their prime focus points.....

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 06:29 PM
I just feel like I'm constantly going to be fobbed off with antidepressants and counselling for the rest of my life. You know I've queried possible bipolar before, and days like yesterday make me query it again, but they just dismiss me completely.

It's crazy really. I can get a referral, an appointment and see a rheumatologist within 2 weeks of having an elevated CRP level, but suffer from a debilitating mental illness for 10 years (and it is getting to that stage as it's preventing me living my life) and I'm on my own.

Suzi
18-07-17, 08:07 PM
Can you print out your mood diary and ask him to send it all with the referral letter? Get the MP involved? Complain via PALS?

Paula
18-07-17, 08:32 PM
^^^wss

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 09:09 PM
Apparently I don't meet the criteria. That's what I keep getting told whenever I bring it up. I'm going to give these meds ago, go back and see the other gp with the interest in MH in 3 weeks and talk about the next step, but mention my weird mood to the one I'm seeing tomorrow so it's all registered. Fingers crossed these meds work and I don't need the pysch route, and will definitely look into PALS

S deleted
18-07-17, 09:40 PM
I know what its like being turned away time and time again. It makes you think that they think you're making it up and there is nothing wrong with you, but at the same time you're living with it every day and still it puts doubt in your mind. I've pretty much given up any hope of any decent medical support and have learned that its down to me to pull out all the stops and find a way of coping and hopefully getting better. I'll never stop looking for ways to beat this and I'm only to pretty much anything.

Jaquaia
18-07-17, 09:53 PM
I've had assessments with fresh wounds on my arm as I've been so agitated being there and still been told I'm not ill enough. It has such a huge impact on me, nothing has worked and I'm still turned away. I have changed so much to try and get better and now I just feel lost.

Suzi
18-07-17, 10:14 PM
I can understand that, and I'll see if I can think of anything else to try - although I'm sure you've already tried it...

S deleted
19-07-17, 07:28 AM
I wish I had a simple answer to how to make it better for you.

Jaquaia
19-07-17, 10:48 PM
Today has been crap. I should have just stayed in bed.

Paula
19-07-17, 11:00 PM
I'm sorry, lovely (bear)

Suzi
20-07-17, 01:29 PM
Why love? Why was it so bad? How are you doing today?

Jaquaia
20-07-17, 05:21 PM
I got up early as I had an appointment for my hair cutting except it was cancelled after we set off. Doctors was ok, he checked how I was doing with the paroxetine, he's logged my strange mood and I'm going back on the tablet that helped my alopecia. Then I was at hospital with my mum, 1 hour sat in physio since we got there stupidly early then an hours appointment. She's got allsorts to help her which knowing her, will end up in a drawer with crap excuses as to why she can't use it! Plus I had someone have a huge go at me about something that was beyond my control. So it was just stress, aggro and wanting to hide.

Today isn't much better. I'm irritable, I feel like I'm wading through treacle, my hands have flared, I'm pretty much wishing that I never woke up.

Paula
20-07-17, 05:24 PM
I'm not surprised you feel crap and pain has flared given yesterday. Are you resting?

Jaquaia
20-07-17, 06:16 PM
I'm trying to. Had the shopping to sort out and washed the pots but not felt up to doing anything else.

Suzi
20-07-17, 08:24 PM
Then I hope you are resting and being kind to yourself?

Angie
21-07-17, 08:14 PM
Please rest up hunni its been a busy time for you x

Jaquaia
25-07-17, 01:12 PM
Not going to lie, I've been struggling and just not seen the point in posting more of the same. I feel like I'm treading water in treacle, it's bloody exhausting! Although it does help to be able to admit that

S deleted
25-07-17, 01:26 PM
No shame in admitting it. You've got a lot on your plate with the med change and physical health issues, looking after your mum etc. The one thing I truly love about you is that no matter how bad things are, you always pull through.

Paula
25-07-17, 01:42 PM
I was going to ask where you'd gone! Where are you re the meds now? (panda)

Jaquaia
25-07-17, 02:06 PM
I've been on them a week and a half now.

Stella, it's the only choice I have really.

Suzi
25-07-17, 09:55 PM
Are you keeping any real track of your moods? What are the side effects like?

Jaquaia
26-07-17, 04:27 PM
My moods are pretty flat all of the time. No real side effects but I'm getting a lot of sharp stabbing pains in my leg so I don't know if it's related.

Angie
26-07-17, 07:57 PM
(bear) hunni it could be related but if it continues or bothers you its worth getting it checked

Suzi
26-07-17, 09:38 PM
Do get that checked out love. Is it only since starting the new meds?

Jaquaia
26-07-17, 11:14 PM
It's only been the past week, I've been on the meds nearly 2 weeks now. Yesterday it was so bad that I woke up with my leg throbbing and couldn't get back to sleep.

Paula
26-07-17, 11:18 PM
Please call the doctor tomorrow ....

OldMike
27-07-17, 11:21 AM
Jaq if you're constantly getting stabbing and throbbing pains in your leg you really need to get it checked out at the docs. (bear) (panda)

Paula
27-07-17, 12:27 PM
How are you today, lovely?

purplefan
27-07-17, 01:29 PM
I agree with the other. I hope you make the appointment today. I used to get those stabbing pains and it was down to poor blood circulation. My feet had swollen up because i was not walking or exercising and the blood just accumulated in my foot because it was not circulating round my body but once i started doing a bit of exercise after a couple of days, it was fine. I would go to see your G.P.
I hope your mood is a bit better today.

Suzi
27-07-17, 02:27 PM
Hey gorgeous! How are you doing?

Jaquaia
27-07-17, 04:31 PM
I'm ok. Mood is still really flat but the urge to hurt myself isn't as strong, which is good. I missed my appointment with Mark yesterday as I slept in, my sleep pattern has been so poor just lately. I was at dentist today and have to go back in 3 weeks for 2 small fillings, not too bad considering I'm at a higher risk of cavities due to having a dry mouth. I've even managed to change the bedding.

Suzi
27-07-17, 05:19 PM
Bugger about the missed appointments. What's up with your sleeping?

Jaquaia
27-07-17, 06:00 PM
I'm getting into bed and I'm wide awake until 2/3am

S deleted
27-07-17, 06:05 PM
Ok I'm gonna ask all the obvious questions. Are having a wind down toward bed time? No phones, tablets or tv? Have you tried mindfulness or soothing music? Spoken to the gp about going back on Mirtazapine?

Jaquaia
27-07-17, 06:51 PM
No tv, usually watch videos on my tablet but it's got a filter on it that reduces blue light. Usually have earphones in and the fan on so I don't get too hot.

Paula
27-07-17, 06:58 PM
What about talking to the gp?

Jaquaia
27-07-17, 07:06 PM
I've mentioned it but I'm due a review soon so I'll mention it again.

S deleted
27-07-17, 08:13 PM
Right so while watching videos your mind is still active.

Jaquaia
27-07-17, 08:33 PM
I find it easier to switch off while watching videos. It gives me something to concentrate on rather then the thoughts racing through my head. Just like I relax more listening to metal then soothing music.

I've never claimed to be normal!

S deleted
27-07-17, 08:49 PM
Normal is over rated

Suzi
27-07-17, 10:10 PM
Pfft I don't think I'd want to be "normal" ;)

Angie
28-07-17, 07:59 PM
Erm whats this "normal"

Amaya
28-07-17, 08:27 PM
They do reckon if you can't sleep after 15 or 20m you should do something else like go for a short walk before trying again because just lying in bed trying to sleep isn't helpful. That doesn't work for me because of my physical problems, but maybe it will help you?

Jaquaia
28-07-17, 09:57 PM
That's why I try and watch something as you can guarantee if I put something on that I want to see I will fall asleep halfway through

Paula
28-07-17, 11:02 PM
Dr pimple popper - strangely soothing ;)

Jaquaia
29-07-17, 10:09 AM
I said want to see! Not makes me want to vomit (giggle)

OldMike
29-07-17, 10:18 AM
Dr pimple popper - strangely soothing ;)

Some people watch the strangest things ;)

OldMike
29-07-17, 10:37 AM
I find it easier to switch off while watching videos. It gives me something to concentrate on rather then the thoughts racing through my head. Just like I relax more listening to metal then soothing music.

I've never claimed to be normal!

None of us are normal Jaq that's what makes us interesting ;)

Jaquaia
29-07-17, 02:14 PM
Well I'm hoping I made a difference last night! I spent a lot of time talking to a guy with paranoia who hasn't been taking his meds. He's cut his leg to pieces and has been drinking a lot which turns him into an arse, yet despite him obviously needing help his doctor isn't interested. I've given him the name of 2 alternative surgeries he can try, I've advised him to go to Citizens Advice about his ESA, and I've given him the contact details for the Rapid Response team, the Samaritans and MIND. Fingers crossed it does some good.

Angie
29-07-17, 02:45 PM
Hopefully it will do some good hunni

Paula
29-07-17, 07:55 PM
You're an incredibly kind soul :)

Jaquaia
29-07-17, 09:06 PM
I just did what I could

Suzi
29-07-17, 10:40 PM
Sounds like you've done a very kind thing lovely x

Jaquaia
01-08-17, 03:55 PM
So today marks the 10 year anniversary of my wonderful friend Fiona passing away. I hadn't realised until I saw it pop up on fb. It doesn't feel like it's been as long as that.

Paula
01-08-17, 05:14 PM
(panda)

Angie
01-08-17, 08:27 PM
(bear)

Amaya
01-08-17, 08:38 PM
Do you find that you still miss you friend?


That's why I try and watch something as you can guarantee if I put something on that I want to see I will fall asleep halfway through I wish that worked for me, putting something on to watch guarantees I will stay awake to see what happens next!

Jaquaia
01-08-17, 09:07 PM
I do still miss her. She was an incredible woman.

Suzi
01-08-17, 09:40 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss lovely. (bear)(panda)(bear)

Jaquaia
02-08-17, 05:52 PM
Well I've just bought my dads christmas pressie. Quickest I've spent £100 in a while but well worth every penny.

S deleted
02-08-17, 07:46 PM
Wowzers! I bet he'll love it.

Paula
02-08-17, 07:54 PM
How are you doing today?

Jaquaia
02-08-17, 07:55 PM
I'm struggling. But so used to that now that it feels like stating the obvious.

Paula
02-08-17, 07:58 PM
I know what you mean, I bore myself answering that question with 'sore and tired' but, if that's what you're feeling, i for one would rather you were able to tell us (bear)

Suzi
02-08-17, 08:07 PM
I agree with Paula....

What did you buy him? I'm intrigued!

Jaquaia
02-08-17, 08:35 PM
I bought him this;
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y227/lusciousfandango/FB_IMG_1501701367235.jpg
It's a hand drawn, original sketch of Mark Hughes by Paul Windridge and there is a lovely story behind me being able to purchase it.

As some of you know, my friend Tom is very ill at the moment and as he lives in America, he's going to be faced with a lot of medical bills. Paul has donated 17 original sketches to Tom to sell to raise funds towards his medical care. That's how highly thought of Tom is among a section of Man Utd supporters. We are family. Me purchasing this sketch is just something small I can do to help him.

As to why I chose this sketch? I don't have many clear memories of my childhood. But the game this scene came from, that sticks out. I always watched the football with my dad, still do. The day this game was played I was 10 years old. We were a goal behind in the semi-final of the FA Cup and it looked like we were going out to Oldham. In the closing minute of the game, the ball came over his shoulder and he vollied it straight past the keeper to force a replay. That memory is so clear to me, even after all of this time, and that memory was made with my dad.

When I saw this, I knew I had to have it. Not only do I get to help Tom out, but I get to give my dad a very unique and personal gift. My dad has always done what he can for us and he has supported me this past year and asked for nothing in return. And Tom has always been there for me. Every penny is money well spent.

Suzi
02-08-17, 09:35 PM
That's a beautiful story!

Angie
02-08-17, 10:10 PM
That is a wonderful gift and a good way of helping aswell hunni x

Paula
03-08-17, 10:33 AM
What a beautiful gift :)

How are zyou today?

OldMike
03-08-17, 11:02 AM
That's a great gift Jaq. :)

Jaquaia
03-08-17, 11:13 AM
My instinct is to say I'm ok but I'm struggling. I'm not looking forward to counselling this afternoon at all. I'm up, dressed, eaten and medicated and took the shopping delivery but now I feel exhausted and I still need to put it away.

S deleted
03-08-17, 11:44 AM
Put the frozen stuff away and then do the rest one bag at a time. There's no immediate rust is there?

Suzi
03-08-17, 12:22 PM
Totally agree. Frozen stuff first, then fridge stuff, then everything else as and when...
Hope counselling goes OK lovely...

Jaquaia
03-08-17, 12:38 PM
It's all away now. I knew if I didn't get it done it would still be there later. I'm just fed up of feeling completely exhausted all of the time.

purplefan
03-08-17, 01:41 PM
SOmetimes when i am down that is when i open up more to the p/doc and it can be a very productive meeting Jauaia. Keeping you in my thoughts.
My instinct is to say I'm ok but I'm struggling. I'm not looking forward to counselling this afternoon at all. I'm up, dressed, eaten and medicated and took the shopping delivery but now I feel exhausted and I still need to put it away.

Suzi
03-08-17, 06:04 PM
How was counselling?

Jaquaia
03-08-17, 07:09 PM
Crap really

Suzi
03-08-17, 08:54 PM
Oh no! Do you want to talk about it?

Jaquaia
03-08-17, 09:18 PM
There's no point. It's stuff I've talked about before and never really get anywhere.

Suzi
04-08-17, 10:59 AM
Oh sweetheart (bear)(bear)(bear)

S deleted
04-08-17, 11:48 AM
Jaq, I'm sorry but I've gotta say this and I know you'll hate it and most probably take it the wrong way.

You say you're sick of things being the same way, but since the last time you said that what have you done to fight back? I'm pretty much aware of the big issues which trouble you and appreciate the difficulties of changing those situations but on a daily basis to deal with things I'm pretty sure you could battle a bit harder. Other than medical appointments how often do you leave the house? You have become so isolated and it makes me sad to think of you being so alone. I would love to see you push the boundaries and get out more. I know you care for your mum but there is no reason why you can't take an hour of your day to get out and about instead of hiding in your room.

Jaquaia
04-08-17, 12:15 PM
Yeah that's right. I don't do enough. I don't try hard enough. Thanks for that

S deleted
04-08-17, 12:22 PM
You say you're sick of things being the same way, but since the last time you said that what have you done to fight back?

Feel free to answer the question.

S deleted
04-08-17, 12:24 PM
It's not that I think you don't do enough but maybe not doing anything different, so it's going to stay the same.

Suzi
04-08-17, 06:24 PM
Actually I think that Stella is right in a way - maybe she should have been a bit gentler in the approach.... BUT when you were meeting up and doing your exercise programme you seemed to have more sparkle about you itms? But since that's stopped your life purely revolves around caring for your Mum and that's not healthy for either of you.... Apart from when you went to Manchester, when did you last get out and do something different for fun? Something that didn't revolve around hospitals, counsellors, drs etc.....

magie06
08-08-17, 12:10 PM
Hi there. How are things today?

S deleted
08-08-17, 12:18 PM
Hey you! Quit sulking and fill us in on whats going on.

Suzi
08-08-17, 04:34 PM
You OK Jaq?

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 11:58 AM
I'm ok

S deleted
09-08-17, 12:42 PM
Why do I get the feeling that's not exactly true.

Suzi
09-08-17, 02:17 PM
You seem really quiet hunni..

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 05:20 PM
I don't know what to say really

Suzi
09-08-17, 06:11 PM
Tell me what's going on in your head...

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 06:30 PM
I try to avoid my head as much as possible. It's a dark and scary place at the moment.

S deleted
09-08-17, 06:41 PM
All the more reason to get it out into the light where it's not so scary

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 06:57 PM
The only difference I've noticed with the new meds is I no longer want to hurt myself every day. It's made no difference to my moods at all. In fact today I feel bloody weird. My full body feels like a tightly wound spring. I'm so tense and on edge, I feel like I could snap at any moment. I'm struggling to sit still, my skin is starting to crawl so trying to keep my hands busy so I don't start clawing at my arms.

AndThisTooMustPass
09-08-17, 07:29 PM
Hi

When I get that I find a good long walk burns off the adrenaline, really helps me. Hope you are able to try it.

Suzi
09-08-17, 09:12 PM
Have you tried all the basics like a shower? Changing clothes? When's your next Dr's appointment? How long have you been on them? Remind me what ones you've changed to?

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 09:16 PM
Yes. And as luck will have it, tomorrow afternoon. I'm on 20mg paroxetine. I know something will be done, even if it's just an increase, as I was doing my mums meds earlier and found myself thinking that 400 paracetamol would do the job. I'm not saying that for the shock factor either as it doesn't feel like it's me writing it.

Suzi
09-08-17, 09:17 PM
Sweetheart, should you be doing your Mum's meds if you are feeling that way?

Jaquaia
09-08-17, 09:23 PM
She can't physically manage to do them herself. I'll be ok, and I will tell the doctor, they're just passing thoughts, not really important.

Suzi
10-08-17, 10:04 AM
I disagree, I think it's really important.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 10:17 AM
Apparently they're only important if I'm thinking of acting on them. Just like SH isn't anything to worry about if you're only scratching your skin.

S deleted
10-08-17, 10:22 AM
Jaq, (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) what the doctors say about those things. They matter because there are people who genuinely care about your well being and I for one would hate to think of you hurting yourself in any kind of way.

Suzi
10-08-17, 01:49 PM
What time is your appointment?

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 03:31 PM
It was half past 3 but got in early. He's increased the paroxetine to 30mg and I'm to go back in a month.

magie06
10-08-17, 03:50 PM
I'm glad that you were seen by someone today. And it sounds like someone is listening to you at last. Keep going, you've been quiet around the place recently and I missed you. Good luck with the increase in meds and please be careful when doing your mum's meds. I for one know I'd miss you around if anything were to happen to you.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 04:07 PM
I've had nothing to really add magie. The 2 doctor's I see are brilliant so I tend to stick with just them now. If I'm honest, I'm completely detached at the moment. These dark thoughts don't feel like they're mine. Today I've done a wash and got it on the line, washed the pots and dealt with the shopping and it feels like I was an observer.

S deleted
10-08-17, 04:58 PM
I'm completely detached at the moment. These dark thoughts don't feel like they're mine.

I can totally relate to that. Almost as if you're watching your life story being played out in a movie. Like it's not real.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 05:16 PM
Exactly like that. I'm getting through on autopilot. I've got stuff done today but I feel exhausted now.

magie06
10-08-17, 05:46 PM
You've done a lot today. You should be proud of yourself.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 05:49 PM
I don't feel proud. I feel nothing

magie06
10-08-17, 05:52 PM
Small steps though. I'm proud of you so maybe that will be enough for this evening?

Amaya
10-08-17, 05:55 PM
Do you often feel detached like this or is it a new thing?

I hope you have something nice to do for yourself tonight :)

purplefan
10-08-17, 05:55 PM
Hi Jaquaia. Hope your day is going good. Sorry i dont have any words of wisdom for you but i wanted to let you know i am keeping you in my thoughts. Hope your better.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 06:12 PM
Do you often feel detached like this or is it a new thing?

I hope you have something nice to do for yourself tonight :)

It used to be only when I hurt myself but now it's almost constant.

Amaya
10-08-17, 06:16 PM
I am not a doctor, but I think detachment is a natural protective instinct when feeling becomes too overwhelming. You shut down to protect. I think that means you need a hug: *hug* :)

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 06:42 PM
I can't even remember my appointment now. It's all a blur.

S deleted
10-08-17, 06:44 PM
I know that one too.

Amaya
10-08-17, 06:45 PM
Is this bothering you, or is it a nice rest from feeling bad?

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 06:50 PM
It bothers me as it isn't me. But there's nothing I can do about it.

Amaya
10-08-17, 06:57 PM
I'm sure it can't last forever :)
Do you have something nice to do that is also a good focus for distracting yourself until you feel different?

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 07:44 PM
Fingers crossed but I've been like this for years, it's just gradually got so much worse.

I've been playing lego Harry Potter but struggle to focus on it for long.

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 10:04 PM
And I am so fed up of snotty, entitled little madams who go through life treating people like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) and getting away with it.

S deleted
10-08-17, 10:07 PM
Oh dear. Fall out with ya sister?

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 10:22 PM
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family! Because I know I wouldn't choose her.

Suzi
10-08-17, 11:08 PM
Oh sweetheart I'm sorry.... (bear)

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 11:15 PM
I'm ok. I don't need her, I have better people in my life.

Suzi
10-08-17, 11:16 PM
But no one has the right to make you feel bad. I'm sorry that she thinks it's ok to be like this. (bear)(bear)

Jaquaia
10-08-17, 11:28 PM
It's something I've got used to with her.

Suzi
11-08-17, 09:12 AM
How are you today gorgeous?

Paula
11-08-17, 09:27 AM
Hi, lovely (hi)

Jaquaia
11-08-17, 11:47 AM
I'm tired. I was still awake at 4. Going to get up do some washing but have so little energy it's unreal.

Suzi
11-08-17, 07:43 PM
Oh hunni, do you know why you were up so late?

Have you tried meditation?

Jaquaia
11-08-17, 08:22 PM
My sleeping has been rubbish for a while now. I can doze off on the couch but as soon as I get into bed I'm wide awake

Suzi
11-08-17, 08:26 PM
(bear) Hunni... Do you have a good sleep routine?

Jaquaia
11-08-17, 08:41 PM
I try to be in bed before midnight

Suzi
12-08-17, 11:23 AM
Do you have a routine? As in, shower, change, bed, read, sleep?

Jaquaia
12-08-17, 02:06 PM
I sort of have a routine. Going to start trying the aromatherapy oils I bought I think

Paula
12-08-17, 03:43 PM
That sounds like a plan

Jaquaia
12-08-17, 03:46 PM
Well, because I get sick of the implication that I aren't changing enough to get better....

I'm off round a new friends for an hour or so for a brew and a natter.

S deleted
12-08-17, 03:49 PM
Hope you have a fab time tonight. You deserve it.

Suzi
12-08-17, 05:30 PM
I'm proud of you! I hope you have an awesome time - you deserve it!

Angie
12-08-17, 07:59 PM
Have a great time x

Jaquaia
12-08-17, 09:20 PM
So an hour or so turned into 4 and a half hours. I had such a giggle and haven't talked so much in ages. I actually felt relaxed around someone new. That's only happened twice to me in recent memory; when I met Ash and when I met Stella.

S deleted
12-08-17, 09:52 PM
I'm really glad you got out and enjoyed yourself. I know it's not easy for you but it really is worth getting out and having time away from the house.

Oh and ftr, I never said you don't do enough to feel better, I just don't think you were doing the right things. That's something completely different. I think you need to step out of your comfort zone on occasion.

Suzi
12-08-17, 10:10 PM
I'm so thrilled for you! Well done love!!

Paula
13-08-17, 09:48 AM
That's fantastic!

OldMike
13-08-17, 09:51 AM
Wow that's great (party)

Angie
13-08-17, 10:12 AM
Awww thats brilliant, am glad that you had a good time x

Jaquaia
13-08-17, 04:56 PM
Woke up in a great mood, yes it lasted!!! But grumpy now. Stomach ache is never any fun. Being a girl sucks sometimes!

S deleted
13-08-17, 06:13 PM
You have my sympathy.

Angie
13-08-17, 07:20 PM
(bear)

Suzi
13-08-17, 09:05 PM
(bear)(bear) **passes calorie free chocolate**

Jaquaia
14-08-17, 04:56 PM
Busy week this week. I started the med increase today, I've got physio with my mum first things weds and then I'm seeing Fran, counselling thurs and dentist fri. My shoulder has flared, my left hand and wrist has flared, I feel like my insides are slowly being dragged out with red hot pincers today and I'm tense so developing a headache, plus I've just been dragged shopping. Then next week I finally get a diagnosis from the hospital and the day after that I see the woman who has taken over my care from Mark!

It's going to be a relief to get through to the weekend when I get to hang out with Stella!!!

Paula
14-08-17, 05:08 PM
Ouch, can you make sure you rest in between, please?

Jaquaia
14-08-17, 05:27 PM
I can try but got a huge pile of ironing to do

Suzi
14-08-17, 07:24 PM
Then do it in little stages with rest inbetween if it has to be done.....

Amaya
16-08-17, 06:18 AM
What is ironing?

How are you coping with your week so far?

Jaquaia
16-08-17, 09:24 AM
I'm not completely sure...hence the washing pile being almost as tall as me! (giggle)

Physio is out of the way until October, it's going to be a very long process for my mum. I see the dietician in an hour so that's another one out of the way. I'm just tired and would like to dump the numb feeling

Paula
16-08-17, 09:36 AM
Thinking of you, gorgeous

S deleted
16-08-17, 09:44 AM
...hence the washing pile being almost as tall as me! (giggle)

It's not that big a pile then (rofl)

Jaquaia
16-08-17, 10:45 AM
Cheeky cow! (rofl)

I've only gone and lost 6 bloody pounds! 6lbs!!!!!!! In 4 weeks! Nearly half a stone!!!!!!! Chuffed to bits here!

magie06
16-08-17, 12:00 PM
That is wonderful news. Well done. What's your secret?

S deleted
16-08-17, 12:40 PM
Go you!!! That's brilliant.

Paula
16-08-17, 12:46 PM
That's fantastic! (party)

Suzi
16-08-17, 04:03 PM
That's awesome! How have you done it? Share your secrets!

Jaquaia
16-08-17, 04:29 PM
No secret really. My appetite has been rubbish just lately and I'm back on the spironolactone (water tablet) which helps with the hair loss so I'm thinking that has something to do with it.

Suzi
16-08-17, 08:03 PM
Hey as long as you are doing it a healthy way then go for it!

Jaquaia
17-08-17, 12:05 PM
And that's counselling out of the way! Only dentist to go!

S deleted
17-08-17, 12:22 PM
How'd you get on?

Jaquaia
17-08-17, 01:28 PM
It was quite positive. She's going to request some more sessions for me to take us up to Christmas

Amaya
17-08-17, 01:37 PM
That's good news :)

S deleted
17-08-17, 01:42 PM
Is that a good thing?

Jaquaia
17-08-17, 01:56 PM
I'm in 2 minds about it

S deleted
17-08-17, 02:05 PM
I only ask cos I know you had a bit of on issue a while ago with the counsellor and dunno if you feel comfortable continuing seeing the same person.

Suzi
17-08-17, 10:40 PM
I hope it is positive. I'm glad you've been given more sessions.

Jaquaia
17-08-17, 11:46 PM
They're not guaranteed yet, she's applying for them after the next session. To be honest, I'm not convinced after the issue I had but I have to show willing.

Angie
18-08-17, 08:27 AM
I would try and look at that as her trying to give you as much as she can hunni, but understand your reservations aswell xx

Paula
18-08-17, 08:46 AM
They're not guaranteed yet, she's applying for them after the next session. To be honest, I'm not convinced after the issue I had but I have to show willing.

I suppose the question is, regardless of what happened on one, or two, sessions, has the counselling overall been positive or otherwise?

Jaquaia
18-08-17, 09:11 AM
It's made me realise that I have lost myself over the past few years and there's maybe positives I can't see myself yet, but other then that I haven't noticed it being overly helpful.

Paula
18-08-17, 09:16 AM
Do you now have any tools that could potentially be used to find yourself?

Jaquaia
18-08-17, 09:53 AM
I don't know. Getting out and socialising was huge for me and made me feel more like myself then I have in a long time.

Suzi
18-08-17, 10:42 AM
I think that getting to realise how much you have lost you is huge - I know, because I know how scared that made me when I've had it said to me a few times....

Jaquaia
18-08-17, 11:03 AM
It finally clicked that I'm either ill or a carer but never just me.

Suzi
18-08-17, 06:36 PM
We talked about this a bit today about how each person around us sees a segment of us, but few people see the whole of this....

Paula
19-08-17, 11:09 AM
How are you doing, gorgeous?

Suzi
19-08-17, 12:05 PM
Hope that it's a good day lovely x

Jaquaia
19-08-17, 01:25 PM
It's not a great day but sat watching the football at the moment then going to disappear and go do my latest gem picture. Or try to anyway. I have to take a break after doing so many as my hands start throbbing. I realised today that I can't even cross my fingers anymore, not without forcing it and not without considerable pain and discomfort. Still, at least I get my diagnosis on Tuesday.

Suzi
19-08-17, 03:15 PM
Sorry it's not a good day lovely x

Jaquaia
19-08-17, 09:52 PM
Finished my gem pic. My hands are suffering a bit now but it kept me focused so I'll take it.

Suzi
20-08-17, 10:44 AM
Can we see?

OldMike
20-08-17, 11:35 AM
Yep a pic of your gem picture would be nice Jaq. :)

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 12:56 PM
I'll take a pic in a little while.

Amaya
20-08-17, 02:56 PM
Looking forward to seeing it :)

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 03:25 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y227/lusciousfandango/Mobile%20Uploads/20170820_152104.jpg

It annoys me that my hands make it difficult to do these now as I find them so soothing.

Amaya
20-08-17, 03:30 PM
Do you do the designs yourself?

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 03:33 PM
No, they come pre-printed and I just need to stick each gem on individually, but it's so intricate and fiddly. I find I need to focus to do them and the movement is so repetitive that it relaxes me.

Amaya
20-08-17, 03:36 PM
It sounds really relaxing, not sure I would have the patience for all the fiddly bits. In the hospital there was a girl using the same things to make football tshirts so I know you can find designs for almost everything online.

Angie
20-08-17, 03:50 PM
That is gorgeous xx Hows things now hunni x

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 03:56 PM
I'm plodding through. I don't really have any other choice.

Amaya
20-08-17, 03:58 PM
Do you have something else fun to do today to break up the plodding?

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 04:04 PM
I could do some gaming but everything feels like a huge effort

Amaya
20-08-17, 04:13 PM
I was thinking I might do that tonight too. But it will probably end up being Netflix again I am so exhausted. What games do you play? I am really enjoying world of warcraft at the moment because it is so relaxing on days when I can't do much.

Paula
20-08-17, 04:35 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y227/lusciousfandango/Mobile%20Uploads/20170820_152104.jpg

It annoys me that my hands make it difficult to do these now as I find them so soothing.

I know, I felt the same about my cross stitch (panda)

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 04:39 PM
I know, I felt the same about my cross stitch (panda)

Hopefully, whatever diagnosis I get on Tuesday, there's something they can do to help.


I was thinking I might do that tonight too. But it will probably end up being Netflix again I am so exhausted. What games do you play? I am really enjoying world of warcraft at the moment because it is so relaxing on days when I can't do much.

At the moment, Lego Harry Potter, but I also like the Raving Rabids games, Mario, Sonic, things like that. I'm after an xbox so I can play Fable and Final Fantasy 13

Amaya
20-08-17, 06:22 PM
Hopefully, whatever diagnosis I get on Tuesday, there's something they can do to help.
I hope so too :)

At the moment, Lego Harry Potter, but I also like the Raving Rabids games, Mario, Sonic, things like that. I'm after an xbox so I can play Fable and Final Fantasy 13 I used to love final fantasy when I was younger, but I am a pc gamer now, hardly ever use a console. Gaming is so good for you :)

Suzi
20-08-17, 06:25 PM
I felt the same too..... Your picture is beautiful!
What about watching a movie? Writing? Baking?

Angie
20-08-17, 06:39 PM
I love fable but struggle to play any game with a controller, how about reading or maybe doing some puzzles

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 06:58 PM
I felt the same too..... Your picture is beautiful!
What about watching a movie? Writing? Baking?

I struggle to concentrate for long to watch a movie. I'd love to write but it hurts to hold a pen for any length of time, it's not even comfortable filling in a prescription! Baking? Really??? I'm trying to lose weight! (giggle)


I love fable but struggle to play any game with a controller, how about reading or maybe doing some puzzles

I do struggle with controllers but hoping something will help my hands. I've actually got a book on the go but started losing my concentration. I have puzzle games on my phone.

Suzi
20-08-17, 07:32 PM
WRT the pen- H uses one of these.. https://www.amazon.co.uk/STABILO-EASYoriginal-Handwriting-Right-Handed/dp/B00T7ULULW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503253838&sr=8-1&keywords=stabilo+easy+start They are specifically for hand issues. It's helped her no end.... And yes, I know it's not a fountain pen......

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 07:39 PM
I haven't used a fountain pen since I was at school! (giggle)

That looks like it might help, I'll give it a go. Thanks chuck!

Suzi
20-08-17, 08:45 PM
OK, so it's only me who uses a fountain pen out of preference then? lol

It's really helped H - you can actually read her writing with it! I've tried it and it takes a little getting used to, but it's easier... Hope it helps - they do right or left handed ones and pencils too!

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 11:08 PM
I need my head testing. I've only agreed to meet a guy for a drink tomorrow night (wasntme)

Angie
20-08-17, 11:47 PM
Why do you need your head testing ?

Jaquaia
20-08-17, 11:49 PM
Because I said yes and now I'm panicking and wanting to back out except I know I'll regret it if I do and just in general argh!!!! What am I thinking?!?!

Paula
21-08-17, 12:11 AM
You're thinking that you need to push yourself to socialise and you want to do this but equally do not want to do this cos it's scary. Is that about it?

The thing is, the more you do it, the easier it will hopefully become. As long as you're safe, I really think this is such a positive thing :)

Jaquaia
21-08-17, 12:14 AM
Exactly that Paula. I'm absolutely terrified now I've said yes.