Venturing out of the dark *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to try and pace this week. I say try as I have coconut ice and gingerbread reindeer to make and 2 cakes to marzipan and ice. I need to go and get a frame for my dads picture and get it wrapped, get all my cards posted, pick my prescription up, go and get dog food, go and get the last of the stuff in for christmas, the dog needs bathing, need to go and pick up her worming tablet from the vets, remember to get the turkey out of the freezer and then I have to be sociable on Christmas Eve. Not to mention J is popping to see me tomorrow before work, possibly wednesday and Friday too. Although he will make me rest...

[magie06]

It sounds like a very busy week Jaq. TRY to rest and pace yourself, and enjoy J's company when you see him.

[Suzi]

If it doesn't all get done, then so be it! No point hurting yourself over it so you can't enjoy Christmas at all..

[Jaquaia]

I'm planning to spread it out over the week, and J is very protective of me, he will make me sit down and rest if I mention I'm tired or struggling. It's quite sweet really and taking some getting used to.

[Suzi]

I know how it was when I got together with someone after a couple of hideous experiences... Enjoy it lovely. You deserve it.

[Jaquaia]

Thanks Suzi :) I know it's going to be difficult for a while but I think he's worth it, and he certainly seems to think I am :)

Feeling pretty dodgy today but at least cuddling up with J for an hour or so made me forget just how sick I'm feeling for a little while.

[magie06]

Hi. Sounds like you had a lovely time this morning. Did you get anything done from your list?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't as I feel like throwing up! Although my mum grabbed my prescription for me when she went to the shops. Plan tomorrow is get the frame, get everything posted and get the cakes marzipanned!

[magie06]

Can you take something to take that feeling away?

[magie06]

Have you your cards stamped or do you need to get to the post office? If they were already stamped you could just stroll to the post box and throw them in.

It sounds like you are aiming high for tomorrow
But go for it. If you have the energy, go and get as much off that list as possible. But don't forget to pace!

[Jaquaia]

I need stamps and have 14 cards to post plus 2 parcels so people in the queue behind me will love me!!!

[magie06]

Don't worry. They will be behind you, so you won't be held up.

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

[Paula]

How’s the nausea?

[Jaquaia]

It's easing a little but I have just eaten!

I have no idea what my dad has done to the bloody christmas cakes but it's going to take a miracle to make one of them look edible!!!

[Suzi]

Just cut the top and the bottom off or do what my Dad did one year after he and my Mum had (yet another) blazing row and made it into a ski slope (rofl)

[Jaquaia]

How about if it's broken into 3 pieces :(:

[Suzi]

Then you stick it together with apricot jam or brandy cream ;) By the time you've got everyone "merry" then they won't notice anyway! :)

[Jaquaia]

I'm sure I'll manage to do something with it....

[Suzi]

Go "abstract" or "deconstructed"....

[Jaquaia]

I don't eat it so I don't care. They should have gone with my recipe from last year as that turned out spot on and my bro-in-law raved about how good it was. My dad said it was lovely too! But because the little princess complained about the nuts in it, my dads now decided it was too rich and they all wanted the normal cake. Well (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)( swear) to them! They shouldn't have complained and I would have made them

[Paula]

Hey hunni, that doesn’t sound like you - you ok?

[Jaquaia]

I am at the moment but that could change as I'm about to head in to town. My mood just seems to be very changeable at the moment

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula - not heard you talk about anyone or anything like that before. Are you continuing to keep a mood diary?

[Jaquaia]

I'm keeping track.

Mamaged to do town and get the frame today and going to start marzipanning the cakes soon.

[Jaquaia]

Both cakes are now marzipanned!!! Going to go and frame my dads pic now and get it wrapped.

[Suzi]

You're a whirling dervish! I haven't even made our cake yet........ I'm not sure we'll even get round to it at this rate!

[Jaquaia]

Pic is wrapped and so is the last thing I picked up for my mum. Need to go and wash the pots now though

[Jaquaia]

I feel like I haven't stopped today. I've sorted the cakes, finished my christmas shopping, wrapped it, washed the pots, cooked the dogs meat, wrote a load of cards out, helped do tea, showered and blow dried my hair. Yet looking back at it, it doesn't look like a lot so why am I so tired?

[magie06]

That's a lot to have achieved today. You did very well.

[Suzi]

That looks like a huge amount to me!

[magie06]

Have you planned an easy day today?

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely lady?

[Jaquaia]

J has just left to go and collect his daughter. We've just spent the morning cuddled up watching "It's A Wonderful Life" and talking. It's been lovely :)

[Suzi]

Good. I'm glad.

[Angie]

Sounds like a good morning hunni x

[magie06]

How did you get on after lunch?

[Jaquaia]

I got stressed as hell with my mum, not looking forward to Christmas, just want to hide away from everything.

[Suzi]

Oh no lovely, do you want to talk about it?

[Jaquaia]

Not really paying enough attention to the road amd then trying to make excuses. It doesn't help that my mood is so changeable either, or that I'm missing J

[Suzi]

How are you feeling today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm finding it hard to get out of bed if I'm honest

[Paula]

Do you have to be busy today? Could it help to have a duvet day?

[magie06]

Is there much that you have to do?

[Jaquaia]

I need to make a start on the gingerbread, J has asked for rude gingerbread people so making those will make me giggle! Gingerbread reindeer for the more mature people. Made the coconut ice and that's setting in the fridge.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart, when are you pacing?

[Jaquaia]

Everytime I stop I get agitated. Still not done much, made the mixture for the coconut peppermint chocolates and the coconut ice and that's it. Not even started the gingerbread. And my dad has been drinking since he got home from work so I'm getting even more wound up as he's wittering on at me and repeating himself. Not doing great today really.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart, I hope you've managed to get some rest and had some time on your own to chill a bit....

[Jaquaia]

By half 6 I was on the edge of a breakdown and had to fight off a full blown panic attack. I had a shower after tea and I'm a lot calmer now but feel shattered

[S deleted]

Sorry chick if I’ve added to that

[Jaquaia]

You haven't! Don't think it helps that I aren't out much anymore

[Suzi]

Oh lovely, I'm sorry things have got that bad... Can you organise to go out tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

I have to go for dog food first thing then I'm treating myself to some brioche from aldi and then it will be chilling with J for a couple of hours before finishing the last bit of shopping whem my dad finishes work.

My mood swings seem to be getting more and more extreme, it's something I need to bring up with my doctor. I'm glad I rearranged counselling now as I think that may have been a step too far for me this week.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you've got plans to chill a bit today.. I think you are right. These mood swings definitely need to be bought up with your Dr. They do seem as though their intensity is increasing. Is the speed they change at getting faster too?

[Paula]

(panda). Does this have anything to do with J?

[Jaquaia]

Not really Paula, though he can calm me better than anything, even diazepam. Last night it was my dads drinking that set me off, today it's just my mum talking to me that's irritating me. Some days it's just being around certain people. I'll be much calmer and content when J is here and I'll be a lot calmer tonight when my brother is here. Other days it's just how I wake up.

Suzi, possibly, I hadn't really noticed the speed but I'm starting to notice that some days I can be fine in the morning and climbing the walls by the afternoon.

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[magie06]

How is it going? Did you get up to much today or was today a day for taking things easy?

[Jaquaia]

I went shopping for dog food then J came to see me to bring me my Christmas presents. He really should have stayed in bed as he's really not well but he said he really wanted to see me. He got me a beautiful book of poetry and a pair of TARDIS studs, appealling to the nerd and the bookworm in me ;) I gave him his gifts and we just cuddled up and watched a film and talked. (inlove)

[magie06]

That sounds lovely. I hope your mood has treated you nicely today. What I mean is that I hope there hasn't been a drop in mood.

[Jaquaia]

I'm starting to get wound up with my dad again as he seems to be more interested in drinking, smoking and talking about work with my brother. There is no wonder I feel like an outsider as he's the same with my sister and her partner. I can't really join in any of the conversation.

[Suzi]

Can you find something to distract yourself?
You really are amazing.

[Jaquaia]

I went into the kitchen and cooked tea. I did have a huge wobble though where I had to really fight the urge to grab the tray out of the oven with my bare hands

[Paula]

(panda) but you didn’t. You’re an amazing, kind, funny woman - you may not be able to join in there but you can and do here, among people who love you

[Suzi]

Paula's right. Here you are loved and shine...

[Jaquaia]

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a lot calmer now. Going to curl up with my Christmas present I think and just relax now

[magie06]

I hope that you are enjoying your gift!

[Suzi]

Hope that you are feeling calmer and more settled today lovely.

[Jaquaia]

So far so good. Got the cakes to ice and need to coat the peppermint in chocolate and planning on leaving the gingerbread for now as don't think my hands will hack it!

[OldMike]

A beautiful Christmas card popped through my letterbox just now, a big thanks Jaq (bear)

[Suzi]

Wow, you've been so busy. I hope you do leave the gingerbread hunnipie x

[Jaquaia]

You are very welcome Mike!

I am going to Suzi, just iced the cakes and it's started my hands off so just going to finish off the peppermints and leave it at that

[magie06]

Are your feet up now Jaquaia? I hope that they are and you are enjoying a nice cold drink.

[Jaquaia]

I'm resting now. Just waiting for tea to arrive and then disappearing again as my dad is slurring so has been drinking a lot AGAIN!!!! I've been watching Line of Duty and really getting in to it.

[Angie]

Hope that your now chilling out hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I have been. Watched some more of Line of Duty and just had a quick shower. Spoken to J a bit, and ended up telling him exactly what dickhead did to me. The subject came up because dickhead has set up another fb account and messaged me. He says he misses talking to me and wants to help me pay off the debt. That's really thrown me and set my anxiety off a bit. But I think I'm going to go with my gut reaction; that I'd rather struggle and pay off the debt on my own, rather then have anything to do with him again.

[Suzi]

I loved Line of duty!

Maybe you should let him, but I also wouldn't want him to either....

[Jaquaia]

Letting him would mean letting him back into my life. I don't really want that, even if it means paying it all myself.

[Angie]

Hunni am going to play devil's advocate but are you sure thats not just him trying to get back into your life rather than help?

[Jaquaia]

That's what I'm thinking. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

[Suzi]

I completely agree. I know he should pay, but I know I wouldn't accept it from him. Block him from all means of contact.

[Paula]

Definitely block him

[Jaquaia]

He's blocked and I've ignored the message request. I think he'd use it as an excuse to manipulate me and J agrees as I talked it through with him. My best friend just asked if he can smack him

[Paula]

Well done :)

[Flo]

Not that I know much about it as I've been 'missing' for so long but you're an independent woman and don't want to be beholden to DH...get rid...a simpler and less painful solution!Add me to your 'smack' list!;)

[magie06]

How are things? Is today a good day?

[Jaquaia]

Today is mixed. Got home from my sisters and I've decided to come and start series 2 of Line of Duty

[magie06]

That's a good idea. Takes you away from the mayhem for a while.

[magie06]

How are you now?

[Jaquaia]

Feeling a bit flat really so relaxing watching Line of Duty

[Suzi]

MAssive hugs lovely (hugs)

[Paula]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Hope things are good lovely x

[OldMike]

Merry Xmas Jaq hope all goes well today (bear) (panda)

[magie06]

I hope that you are enjoying your day. Happy Christmas.

[Jaquaia]

It's been ok thanks magie. Happy Christmas

[Suzi]

Have you been able to speak to J at all?

[Jaquaia]

He texted me this morning to wish me happy christmas and to tell me how much he's missing me :) apparently his little girl has been manic and it also happens to be his sons birthday today!!! So not expecting much from him until a lot later.

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed to get some space as and when you needed it...

[Jaquaia]

I sat reading to Scarlett a fair bit, it was fun reading about Gerald the giraffe while trying to stop her eating the book but she loved it :) and came home with my brother so got a bit of a break then too. And disappeared about 5 to finish watching series 2 of Line of Duty. We've not bothered with a proper dinner, just had a buffet so only just eating. Wanted to throw up at my sisters so been picking all day to settle my stomach.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (bear) Hope you're feeling less sick... Sounds like you've had a pretty fab day all in all x

[Jaquaia]

It's been pretty good. I especially liked it when it was just me and Scarlett reading "Giraffes Can't Dance" as everyone else was in the dining room part :)

[magie06]

It sounds like a lovely day.

[Jaquaia]

I don't know why, but I reached my limit a few hours ago and have spent a lot of the past few hours crying. Ridiculous really

[Paula]

You don’t know? You’ve been running around like a baf making and baking for everybody else, your dad’s been drinking, your mums not well but not helping herself and you’ve been dealing with hospital appt after hospital appt. you’re in pain and dealing with physical health worries and your time with the one person who makes you feel better is severely limited. It’s not ridiculous, lovely (bear)

[Jaquaia]

When you put it like that...

[Jarre]

(panda)

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Suzi]

Totally not ridiculous. I completely agree....

[Jaquaia]

Having another bad night, broke down in tears again. Even J was struggling to make me smile. So watching Line of Duty with a bag of minstrels

[Suzi]

(bear) Could it be partly hormonal? Although you are allowed to be emotional after everything you've been going through....

[Jaquaia]

I don't know, I've not had a period since mid-September so possibly. I just know I'm finding it so hard at the moment. I'm struggling to be around my family and just want to hide in my room, I'm not eating properly and haven't since saturday and my drinking isn't great either. I've stopped crying as I have Line of Duty to keep my mind occupied but I did have to fight the urge to burn my hand when I lit a candle earlier. Feeling a little calmer now though

[Paula]

How are you this morning?

[Jaquaia]

I feel numb at the moment. Currently building up the energy to get up.

[Suzi]

Can you focus on your breathing? Drinking water?

[Jaquaia]

Been sipping water since I woke up at 7

[Suzi]

And how's your mood? What plans have you got today?

[Jaquaia]

Mood is very flat today. I've eaten as J made me promise him I would. I've got a glass of orange juice and I'm medicated. Even got dressed and washed. Other then that, I'm thinking picking at food and watching more Line of Duty

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're eating and drinking and medicated and washed and dressed - those are all amazing positives. Flat isn't brilliant, but it's better than it could be...

[Jaquaia]

If I had my way I would still be in bed asleep but trying to fight it. I know I would just use it as something I could beat myself with as I already feel like I'm drowning.

[Suzi]

No drowning allowed - *throws life ring*

[Jaquaia]

Got my appointment through, 8th Jan. That seems really quick? Is it normally that quick?

[Suzi]

It'll be the same as it is for breast clinic - a two week rule. It's a good thing it's quick. Can J go with you?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I don't know if I'd even ask him as it could make things difficult for him.

[Suzi]

You don't want to go alone - I know that from my first urgent breast clinic referrals. Ask him. The kids should be back at school then, but allow him to step up...

[Paula]

I agree. You can’t go alone

[Jaquaia]

I'll be ok

[OldMike]

https://image.ibb.co/jRmcrk/teddy.gif

[Paula]

I'll be ok

No woman would be ok with this. Stop being stubborn and ask for help

[S deleted]

If I could I’d be there in a flash to hold your hand.

[Jaquaia]

No woman would be ok with this. Stop being stubborn and ask for help

Well that's me told!!!


If I could I’d be there in a flash to hold your hand.

I know you would

[Suzi]

So are you going to ask him to go with you?

[Paula]

^^^wss

[Jaquaia]

No, as it turns out he's working so I haven't asked. He's going to come and see me beforehand though

[Suzi]

So who is going with you?

[Suzi]

So who is going with you?
Actually scrap that. Ask him anyway. Surely he can take a long or changed lunch break or something? I wouldn't want to go alone and sitting in that waiting room is hard enough with someone by your side when all manner of horrible thoughts are going through your mind. PLEASE ask him....

[Jaquaia]

He's back on normal duties now so no longer working in Hull. I will consider asking him, but I was going to go on my own.

[Suzi]

How are you today hun?

[Jaquaia]

I'm coming down with something so yay! Not!

[Suzi]

Oh no! Hope it's not the cough cold virus that we've all got/had.

[Jaquaia]

I think it is. J is feeling really bad about it as he was poorly when I saw him on friday but it's more likely I caught it from my dad.

[S deleted]

My money is on you catching it from J cos I doubt very much you’ve been swapping spit with your Dad :P

[Jaquaia]

Ewwwwwwww!!!!

[magie06]

I hope you feel a little better.

[Jaquaia]

Well I've eaten, wasn't really hungry but I've had J, and now my friend Annie telling me off for not looking after myself properly! Mainly got a sore throat, stuffy nose, bit of a headache and sneezing so been binge watching boxsets.

[Suzi]

Glad you have eaten love. Have you had enough to drink?

[magie06]

Have you taken anything for it? Some cold and flu remedies perhaps? There is a very good one where you take one tablet early in the morning, and another when you are going to bed. I can't remember what it's called but I think it was made by the people who make 'night nurse'. I've found it very good in the past.

[Jaquaia]

I've drank more then I have been. Tickly throat is annoying me as it makes me want to gag. Just had a shower so the plan now is to sprawl out with a bag of wine gums and a bottle of water and carry on with Luther

[Suzi]

Marc's been drinking lemsip and I've been sucking Halls (and drinking port or tia maria as they both are sticky and coat your throat..)

[Jaquaia]

Hate lemsip, might grab some covonia though. Can barely move my wrist now though, could do with my immune system settling down.

[Angie]

(bear)

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Suzi]

Flares are horrible... *Sends much sympathy*

[Jaquaia]

I feel crap. It feels like it's all gone on to my chest, my throat feels like I've swallowed razor blades, I have a headache and my nose is blocked, plus flaring.

[magie06]

Have you managed to get an appointment with your doctor. It might be a chest infection that will need an antibiotic. (panda)

[Suzi]

Get to the Dr lovely - please?

[Jaquaia]

It's only a virus so there's not much they can do really. I'm making sure I'm drinking plenty, resting and eating as and when I'm hungry.

[magie06]

How was the rest of today? Did you hear from J at all today?

[Suzi]

Hope you are feeling at least a little brighter ;)

[Jaquaia]

I talk to J every day magie, he makes a point of it :)

Mood wise I'm feeling a bit more level, just grotty!

[magie06]

Did you get to the chemist to get something for it? Or have you heated some honey and lemon and taken that? It sooths the throat and gives some relief to a chesty cough.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)

[magie06]

How are things today?

[Suzi]

Morning lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Morning. Still full of cold so just planning on taking it easy. It's really wiping me out.

[magie06]

Hope taking easy has happened today. Put your cold to bed and stay there.

[Jaquaia]

I've just been watching Luther again. Getting a little addicted to that too, it's brilliant!

[magie06]

But you were taking it easy. That's what counts.

[Suzi]

Luther is awesome ;)

[Paula]

Just sending gentle hugs (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I just need to keep an eye on this cough, but it feels like it's starting to break.

[magie06]

That's great news. Stay put and maybe tomorrow it will be a little easier. Have you tried the honey and lemon?

[Jaquaia]

No, it makes me want to throw up so I avoid it.

[magie06]

I totally agree with you. It used to do that to me too. My gran used to whisk up egg whites, sweeten them with the honey and add lemon juice. They used to make me take it by the spoonful.

[Paula]

Ewwww. Mind you, my gran relied on vicks. For everything. Including her leg ulcer ...... grans aren’t always right ;)

[Suzi]

Eww yuk Magie!
Whisky? lol

[Jaquaia]

Whiskey makes me want to vomit too. Suppose I can get some honey and have honey and hot lemonade!

[Suzi]

Yup, go with that lol

[magie06]

How is the cough today?

[Jaquaia]

My chest is hurting a bit but it's easier to cough today itms?

[magie06]

It is beginning to sound a lot like a chest infection. Will you see anyone over the next few days?

[Jaquaia]

I'm an old hand at this, I've had recurrent bronchitis since I was a kid. I know when I need to see a doctor, trust me.

[magie06]

Okay. You know your own body. Take care though because the Australian flu has hit here and 10 people have died from it in the last few weeks.

[Suzi]

Hope you are having a good weekend lovely.

[magie06]

I hope you enjoy your evening.

[Jaquaia]

I'm just resting finishing Luther

[Suzi]

OO what's the next boxset? I'm currently binging on Happy Valley lol

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure yet. I may even do some knitting for a change!

[Suzi]

What's the next project?

[Jaquaia]

Thinking a patchwork blanket in apple green, pale pink, cream and white

[Paula]

Sounds pretty :)

[Jaquaia]

Fingers crossed. I want to learn some new stitches.

[Suzi]

That sounds awesome ;)