Venturing out of the dark *TRIGGERS*

[Paula]

Can you put thinking about going to one side for tonight (in hopes you get some sleep) and focus on how awesome you are for agreeing to go?

[Jaquaia]

I can try but really nervous!

[Paula]

How are you doing this morning?

[Jaquaia]

Nervous!!!!

[Angie]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Do you know what you are going to wear? Going somewhere public? Do you have someone set to send you a get out text at 9?

[Jaquaia]

I don't yet. Yes, a bar in town. And I do. But still nervous.

[Suzi]

It's understandable to be nervous.. How long have you been talking to him? Will you try not to do anything spontaneously if you don't know him well?

[Jaquaia]

I will try. I'm intending to be on my best behaviour

[Suzi]

OK.. IF that changes then please, please, please let someone know where you are going and how you are getting there (reg plates would be good too).... Pics of him too.. (Am I sounding a little over protective? It's coz I am and I loves ya x)

[Jaquaia]

Well he's an older guy called Tony who is spanish but has been in the UK 16 years. He's been very polite while we've been talking, he's attractive, seems genuine and I've seen comments from a lot of people who have met him saying how lovely and how much of a gent he is. I'm looking forward to some intelligent conversation. Just really nervous as it's out of my comfort zone.

[Angie]

Go and have a nice evening, decent conversation and see how it goes x

[S deleted]

I am so proud of you for pushing your boundaries and I'm confident you will have a great time but just in case you need a get out of jail call let me know lol

[Jaquaia]

I'm getting very, very nervous now, so much so that I feel sick.

[S deleted]

Hey it will be fine. The apprehension is always the worst part. Once you get chatting you'll have a great time.

[Paula]

Nerves are ok, nerves are normal in this sort of situation. I'm so proud of you :)

[Suzi]

You'll be fine lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I need to go start showering but feel like throwing up

[Angie]

Hunni deep breaths you will be fine honestly, once you get there and start talking etc

[Suzi]

Suck a peppermint and go for it!

[S deleted]

Yeah suck it and see lol

[Jaquaia]

(rofl) well I'm showered at least and I know what I'm wearing!

[S deleted]

Woohoo.

[Angie]

(y)....

[Jaquaia]

In the taxi. Can I go home?

[Paula]

Big hugs

[S deleted]

No you can't go home. Not until you've had a fab time.

[Angie]

You will be fine hunni xx

[Suzi]

Are you there yet?

[Jaquaia]

Just waiting for a taxi home. Wow! Can't stop smiling!

[Angie]

Sounds like a good night hunni ?

[Jaquaia]

It was a great night! He was a complete gent, great company, absolutely lovely, very sexy accent ;) We talked so much!

[S deleted]

So you gonna be seeing him again?

[Jaquaia]

Probably not. He's actually from London but wanted some company while he was up here for work. We'd been talking a few weeks and he was a complete gent, so thoughtful and attentive.

[S deleted]

I'm that's a shame. He sounds really nice.

[Paula]

That is a shame ..... but you did it and it was a success :)

[Jaquaia]

I did and it was a huge success!

[S deleted]

I'm so excited about you getting out and living instead of just existing. You sound so much happier which in turn as a mate makes me happy.

[Angie]

Am so glad that you went hunni x

[Suzi]

So glad it went well and that he was lovely! Fantastic!

[Jaquaia]

I'm absolutely bouncing today!

[Angie]

Suppose we need to call you Tiger :P aslong as its happy smiley bouncing :)

[Jaquaia]

I'm in such a fantastic mood today!

[Paula]

That's really good news!

[Angie]

I have a great big smile on my face reading your posts hunni :)

[magie06]

I'm so delighted for you. It sounds like a great night.

[Jaquaia]

In other news, guess who's going out for coffee tomorrow ;)

[S deleted]

Well it ain't me lol

[Angie]

Nor me am to busy :( Go and have fun hunni xx

[Jaquaia]

And I think I've got plans on friday too. Can't remember ;)

And I'm out on sunday. And have a date next Saturday! (giggle)

[Angie]

Yay busy bee but good for you :)

[S deleted]

And I think I've got plans on friday too. Can't remember ;)

Have you? Anything interesting?

[Jaquaia]

Have you? Anything interesting?

It's ok I suppose (giggle)

[Paula]

Another date?? Spill?

[Jaquaia]

This one feels a bit weird. Been talking to him for a year and he's lovely. Really respectful and we get on well. Well I've done him a favour and I've said he can take me out for a drink next Saturday to thank me. He's only 24 though so it feels a bit naughty. And I know! Age is only a number!

[S deleted]

Right so you hook up with a 45 yo last night, but a 24 yo is a bit weird? It's a smaller age different so whats weird about it? It's not like he's gonna be turning up in his school uniform or anything.

[Jaquaia]

Now you've put it like that it does sound daft! I didn't think of it like that before.

[Angie]

Jays 9 years younger than me sweetie nothing wrong with age difference xx

[Jaquaia]

Ok. I've given it a couple of hours to sink in.

I was at the hospital today and all my tests came back positive, I have rheumatoid arthritis. The rheumatologist said that they've caught it early though so no damage has been done to my joints yet. I've had to have a chest xray today and more bloods and I'm to go and see my doctor in 2 weeks. If my chest xray is fine, I'll be starting methotrexate.

[Suzi]

My friend is on methotrexate and it's helped so much. Just make sure you get the anti emetic too. She doesn't eat much on methotrexate day - normally belvita biscuits as it is easier with the nausea.

I'm sorry you've had such a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) diagnosis, but at least you know you're not imagining the pain etc.... (bear)(bear)(bear)

[Paula]

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

To be honest, it's not that much of a shock as I was kind of expecting it. And at least it's been diagnosed before my joints are permanently damaged. I'm more annoyed that I now have an autoimmune disease and am going to have to have the flu vaccination

[Angie]

Treatment can at least start early but can understand how your feeling hunni x

[Paula]

Why are you annoyed you have to have the flu jab?

[S deleted]

I'm more annoyed that I now have an autoimmune disease and am going to have to have the flu vaccination

Having asthma for as long as I can remember I've always been eligible but some reason never got invited for one until I was 30. Is it really such a bad thing?

[Jaquaia]

I guess because it's a reminder that I'm now immunosupressed and I need to try and avoid people with infections as catching it can cause a flare up. Although in good news, since the last time I was at the hospital, so about 8 weeks, I've lost just over 12lbs!

Oh and...
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y227/lusciousfandango/received_10159171893330317.jpeg

[S deleted]

It can sound pretty scary I guess but when you don't know any different it's not something you think about. It's only when people point out the risks I even realise.

[Paula]

I'm immunosuppressed too. It sucks but at least you know and can deal with it. Eventually you won't even think about it. One of the first things my consultant told me when he diagnosed CRPS (on top of my asthma so I doubly need the jab) was to take 1000mg vitamin C every day. I do and actually have far fewer colds/throats infections etc than I used to have

[Suzi]

*waves hands as another immunosuppressed person*

How are you feeling today?
Awww baby!

[Jaquaia]

I'm feeling sick again. Meeting a friend soon for coffee but want to throw up again. Anxiety is an arse

[S deleted]

But your not going to give in to the anxiety. You will meet your friend and you will have a good natter. The more you get out the easier it will become.

[Suzi]

Stellla's right. You can do this. x

[Angie]

What they said, you can do this hunni x

[Jaquaia]

Back! He got called back to work but had such a giggle. It's just that initial anxiety, it makes me feel so ill.

[Angie]

But be as proud of yourself as we are as your facing it, working through it and dealing with it babe xx

[S deleted]

I totally understand how difficult it is to get out and yeah, you wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just cancel as that is the quickest way to relieve the symptoms of anxiety, but do you really wanna be controlled by your condition? you gave into the anxiety for so long it's no wonder that you find it so hard but right now I am so damned proud of you cos you are challenging yourself, you're stepping out of your comfort zone, taking the hard option and learning that it really is worth fighting your natural urge to run and hide cos there is a fun and enjoyable experience on the other side.

[Paula]

I'm another one proud of you. And I'm so chuffed you're pushing through the initial anxiety :)

[Suzi]

Woohooo! You are awesome!

[Jaquaia]

I almost fell asleep on the couch when I got home. I just felt exhausted

[S deleted]

Yep it'll do that but it is so worth it right?

[Jaquaia]

Definitely! I might need to slow down though. I've agreed to go out on Wednesday too!

[Paula]

One extreme to the other ;)

[Jaquaia]

I know! I'm like a child with a new toy (giggle)

[Suzi]

Go you! :)

[S deleted]

I know! I'm like a child with a new toy (giggle)

Is it battery operated?

[Angie]

(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

I forgot I'm out next Friday night with a group of people too (sweat)

[Suzi]

You're becoming quite the social butterfly ;) )

[Jaquaia]

I may need to start keeping a diary! ;) though on the plus side, it's not letting me dwell on my diagnosis

[Suzi]

It's a good thing! You sound happier than you have in a while. How are you actually feeling?

[Jaquaia]

Things are feeling a little better. Monday night with Tony was a HUGE boost. A little numb at the moment though and my hands and wrists are really stiff which isn't helping.

[Paula]

Better is good, really good :)

[Jaquaia]

There's something bothering me but I'm trying to work up the guts to post about it.

[Angie]

When your ready hunni xx

[Paula]

We're here when you're ready (bear)

[Suzi]

You know we won't judge you for anything, so go ahead and post when you are ready love.

[Flo]

Yup...get it off your chest Jaq.....AA table card : What You Hear Here, What You See Here, When You Leave Here, Let It Stay Here........all you'll get is love not chastisement.

[Jaquaia]

I've posted it in my other thread.

I can breath now!

[OldMike]

I've posted it in my other thread.

I can breath now!

I suspect your other thread is in the ladies section where some great ladies will give you some fantastic support.

If you ever feel the need to talk to an older guy I'm here ;)

As Flo says we don't judge, what's written here stays here. (bear)

PS: Could I become an honorary lady (rofl)

[Paula]

Aw Mike you wouldn't like it, every 4 weeks you eat your body weight in chocolate ;)

[Suzi]

Aw Mike you wouldn't like it, every 4 weeks you eat your body weight in chocolate ;)
So true!

[Jaquaia]

Had a fab time with Stella! My parents think she's awesome, Talia is gutted she's gone and I've had a giggle!

[Angie]

Am so glad that you had a good time hunni xxx

[Suzi]

All sounds lie a brilliant time!

[Jaquaia]

It was pretty embarrassing though when a group of fit, tattoed guys walked in the pub and I completely lost my train of thought (rofl)

[Angie]

hahaha

[S deleted]

You little hussy lmao. I gotta admit even I had sneaky peak. You best let ya mum know I might be back in a couple of months.

[Jaquaia]

I'm so happy! Back to back Challenge Cup winners! Woohoo!!!!

[Suzi]

So glad you had a good time!

Yay for the cup (I think? I have no idea, but it's made you happy...)

[S deleted]

I'm happy about the cup too cos I'm £1.10 richer lol

[Suzi]

Lol Stella - what are you going to spend it on?

How are you today Jaq?

[Jaquaia]

I can't get going today. Think I've exhausted myself.

[Suzi]

That's not a problem - be kind to yourself x

[S deleted]

Sorry :( I'm pretty wasted today too.

[Jaquaia]

Don't be daft you dozy mare! I think I've tried running before I can walk. That and I feel pretty shocking today. Guts are churning and I feel like throwing up.

[S deleted]

I just wanna say what I told Angie yesterday, about how amazing it was to see you with a smile on your face and a spark of excitement about you. I really do understand how hard it can be and just how much it can take it out of you. I like to think I'm good at challenging myself and pushing the boundaries but sometimes I push too hard and too fast and it takes it's toll. I try to stick with it cos I know how good it can be when you get past the initial difficulties and the sense of achievement in the end but sometimes you have to back off and give yourself a break. I know you've got things lined up over the next week so just rest up when you can and prepare yourself mentally for the battle and the fun you will have.

[Paula]

Sometimes, the joy of achieving times like this far outweighs the 'hangover'

[Jaquaia]

Well I ended up popping to a friends. Had such a giggle.

[S deleted]

A proper social butterfly you're becoming lol

[Jaquaia]

Haha! I know. Although tonight was just crazy.

[Suzi]

So glad you are getting out and having some fun!

[OldMike]

It's great you're out there socialising, and crazy is good ;) (party)

[Jaquaia]

If you knew what happened Mike you might not say that (giggle)

[S deleted]

Lmfao

[Suzi]

Spill.......

[Paula]

What? What? What? (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Oh my god. I couldn't possibly spill here. It's hilarious but extremely embarrassing. (rofl)

[Jaquaia]

Had a huge headache all day today, still agreed to go out tomorrow though! I must be mad.

[Suzi]

Oh my god. I couldn't possibly spill here. It's hilarious but extremely embarrassing. (rofl)Then spill somewhere else....

[S deleted]

Had a huge headache all day today, still agreed to go out tomorrow though! I must be mad.

Bloody hell do you spend any time at home these days lol

[Jaquaia]

I'm out tomorrow, Friday, saturday and most of next week (giggle)

[Suzi]

This seems good. How are you feeling mood wise?

[Jaquaia]

My mood is a bit all over really. It's better when I've been out but still pretty flat most of the time and the anxiety is exhausting. Still, if I can get through sunday in one piece I can handle anything!!!

[Suzi]

Of course you can! Are you keeping a mood diary at all?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't been just lately but I need to start again. Got a busy week this week. Seeing Fran tomorrow morning and out tomorrow night, seeing Sam Thursday morning and maybe out Thursday night, counselling Friday morning and out Friday night, out Saturday and maybe seeing Mark again.

[Suzi]

Erm, all this is brilliant, but where you are fitting in resting?

[Jaquaia]

I know. I've gone from one extreme to another and I need to find a balance. I'm just trying to figure out how right now.

[Paula]

The fact that you're aware of that and are trying to figure it out gives me confidence you will figure it out :)

[Jaquaia]

I hope so. In other news, another 3lbs lost! (party)

[Suzi]

Wow! Well done lovely!

[purplefan]

I think what you are doing is so inspirational Jaquaia. So proud.

[Paula]

Fantastic!

[Angie]

well done hunni x

[S deleted]

I hope so. In other news, another 3lbs lost! (party)

Must be all the exercise you're getting ;)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl) I'm saying nothing! (giggle)

[OldMike]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl) I'm saying nothing! (giggle)

What have you been up to Jaq *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more* (giggle)

It's great to see you're enjoying life and long may it be so. (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I feel great this morning! Just got out of the gym and I even got a hug off the gorgeous Sam! He has helped me so much!

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you! Things seem to be going in the right direction?

[Jaquaia]

Getting to hug the gorgeous Sam is definitely a good thing ;)

He has helped me so much over the past 6 months. I have so much more self belief as he's helped me to see that I can do things. One of the tests I do is a 6 minute walk. I've always had to stop before because my back started hurting, but today I did the full 6 minutes. I am so chuffed with myself! They have new machines in the gym and the leg press machine doesn't even go as high as what I did last time. I feel so much better physically and mentally since I started seeing Sam. Combine that with going out and the medication actually having an effect, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.

[Paula]

I honestly don't think I've ever seen you as buoyant as you have been the last few weeks and I'm chuffed to bits (happy)

[S deleted]

I told you all that exercise is good for you lol

[Jaquaia]

(rofl) it certainly is! ;)

Paula, Sam commented on how different I seemed to be too :)

[Angie]

I'm so glad things are going well for you hunni, you deserve it

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you and proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I'm in a flare up tonight, but the satisfaction I got from my session with Sam, and the boost to my mood makes the pain worth it.

[S deleted]

And a hug. I'm jealous.

[Jaquaia]

He is rather lovely isn't he ;)

[Suzi]

Hope it's a quick flare and doesn't cause too much pain. When are you starting the methotrexate?

[Jaquaia]

I took some ibuprofen last night which seems to have stopped it. My hands are just stiff and uncomfortable today rather then painful. See my GP a week today, so fingers crossed he's received the letter from the hospital and I'll be starting it on Friday

[Suzi]

Awesome :)

[Angie]

Glad the ibuprofen has helped hunni x

[Jaquaia]

My hands are so stiff this morning! Not liking this flare up but so worth it! (nod)

[Angie]

(panda)

[Paula]

I find flare ups are much easier to deal with if you know there's a good reason for it ;)

[Jaquaia]

A very good reason behind it ;)

[Suzi]

Good! Sometimes it's worth the flare I find ;)

[Jaquaia]

Oooh! And on my way home this morning (yes, I know! Naughty girl!) I used the bus!!! I haven't used public transport in about 2 years yet took 2 buses home and didn't even flinch!

[Angie]

Go you :) am so proud of you hunni x

[S deleted]

Haha, we've all done the walk of shame the morning after the night before. Well done with the public transport. It's easy going home than heading out cos you're returning to your safe place. Has Talia forgiven you yet for leaving her?

[Jaquaia]

Haha! I actually never have before! It's my first time (giggle) no regrets whatsoever though.

[Paula]

That's fantastic!

[Suzi]

You've never done the walk of shame before? I used to always find it best with a bloody great smile on your face, holding your shoes in your hand ;)

Nice one love. Pleased for you x

[Jaquaia]

Definitely a huge smile on my face. He's a good friend too and someone I can hang out with

[Suzi]

Is he still in the "friendszone"? Or......

[Jaquaia]

Still friends as neither of us are looking for anything serious, but there is a connection there.

[Angie]

So proud of you hunni xxx

[Paula]

Hey, Si and I were friends for 7 years before we started seeing each other ;)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl) we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again (blush)

[Paula]

(happy)

[Suzi]

(rofl) we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again (blush)
So cool! :)

[Angie]

:)...

[OldMike]

(rofl) we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again (blush)

Brilliant Jaq :)

[Paula]

Hey hunni, how's you?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Had a bit of a flare up since yesterday so been in a fair bit of discomfort. Other then that, I'm honestly ok.

[Paula]

Gentle hugs sent oop north (bear)

[Jaquaia]

Only a few days til I see my doctor to start the methotrexate

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Gentle hugs hunni... When are you seeing the Dr?

[Jaquaia]

Friday afternoon. My wrist is throbbing tonight so it can't come soon enough

[Suzi]

Can you try to get an earlier appointment?

[Jaquaia]

Only an emergency appointment at this point

[Angie]

Awww hunni is it worth getting one if your in pain though ?

[Jaquaia]

I took a naproxen before bed so it's settled down a lot

[Angie]

Glad its settled for you

[Suzi]

How's it doing now love?

[Jaquaia]

There's just some stiffness in my fingers tonight so I can live with it.

[Suzi]

Ok... Be kind to yourself though lovely x

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to try, but doctors and the hospital with my mum tomorrow.

[purplefan]

How did it go with the appointment Jaquaia?

[Flo]

Hope your wrist doesn't play you up too much today Jaq, and good luck at the hospital with mum.

[Paula]

Try to get some rest today, love. Hope it goes ok with mum

[Jaquaia]

I've not had it yet purple.

To be honest flo, I can see them increasing her meds again to try and get the arthritis under control.

[Suzi]

(panda) Hope it goes well today lovely x

[Jaquaia]

15 minutes to find a parking space, 15 minutes queuing for the lift and I only needed to get her up to the first floor, all while I'm flaring again ;(

[Paula]

(bear) has she seen the doc yet?

[Jaquaia]

Yeah. Ended up parking about 5 minutes away from the hospital and having to walk, then walking back and dismantling the wheelchair to go back in the boot. I feel exhausted now.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (bear) Did the appointment go well?

[Paula]

Did they increase the meds?

[Jaquaia]

Oh the appointment went well apart from the 15 minutes to find a parking space, then the walk, then the 15 minutes just to get in the bloody lift, then the walk back and having to dismantle the wheelchair. She's had the meds increased again and they're sending her for lung function tests as they're looking to swap her on to methotrexate but she won't stop bloody smoking.

[Suzi]

She's still not even thinking about quitting?

[Jaquaia]

She said she's trying and she has cut down a little. But then some days she has 2 or 3 in a really short space of time.

[purplefan]

Morning Jaquaia, Hope you are well today? I was up in the attick last night and found a little box full of Dr.Who books all the sylvester Mccoy stories. I shall work my way through them. Was it a Dr.Who story that you got your user name?

[S deleted]

Yeah, who did you choose the username you did?

[Jaquaia]

It was from a Dr Who novel! It was an 8th Doctor novel, 'The Fall of Yquatine' and it is one of the summer months on the planet. Hugely geeky! (giggle)

[S deleted]

Yeah but why that of all things?

[Jaquaia]

I thought it was a really pretty and original name and it always stuck with me.

[S deleted]

Much like you then.

[Jaquaia]

Awwww mate! (blush)

[magie06]

What's planned for the rest of today?

[Jaquaia]

Not a huge amount as I'm still having a flare up in my hands and now my left shoulder too. Had my haircut and just taking it easy now

[Angie]

Glad that your now taking it easy hunni x

[Suzi]

Hope that you've been properly resting lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I've been trying. Can't really lift my arm above my head so blowdrying my hair was fun after my shower.
Doctors on friday so will mention it then.

[Suzi]

Did you need to blow dry? If it hurts then don't push it too hard love. (oo er)

[Jaquaia]

I had it cut today so needed to see how it looked properly (giggle)

[Suzi]

Ooooooooooooo how short?

[Jaquaia]

To my shoulder and it's a lot more shaped around my face and layered. The hairdresser asked how much I wanted off... "surprise me" (giggle)

[Paula]

That was a risky thing to say (giggle). And, btw, it looks lovely!

[Jaquaia]

Oh that wasn't actually my new hair paula! I shall upload a pic!

It is now on fb!

[Paula]

It's gorgeous!

[Jaquaia]

Thank you! I'm not used to it being so short at the front!

[magie06]

Your hair is beautiful. I love the cut. I'm going for the chop tomorrow. Feeling brave too. Going to ask for layers this time. Just for a change.

[OldMike]

Hair looks great Jaq.

[Jaquaia]

Thanks guys! :)

I think I've just agreed to go on a proper date (blush)

[magie06]

Cool.

[S deleted]

Woohoo! You go girl. When you going? Where's he taking you?

[Suzi]

Your hair looks amazing!

Proper date? OO tell us more..

[Paula]

(party) details please!

[Jaquaia]

Ok, huge blip this evening. My phone crashed and then I lost all internet and I panicked. Without my phone, I don't really have any contact with the outside world, and losing that crutch is scary and it sent my anxiety sky high. I've only just stopped shaking but I'm feeling so stressed and tense that my whole body aches and my RA has flared up.

As for my date, his name is Ric, he's 35, no kids, lives in Grimsby and seems to be a bit besotted with me. We've talked on the phone and I feel so comfortable, the conversation just flows.

[Suzi]

(hugs) lovely. How are you doing after the blip?

Date sounds lovely - where are you going?

[Jaquaia]

Mainly sore. I was in so much pain last night that I took a naproxen and went to bed early. I've never been so tense that it's started causing discomfort before, my leg is so tight today that it's actually painful.

I'm not sure yet. He wants to take me for a meal.

[Paula]

Could the tension also be because of your date?

[Jaquaia]

I'm actually looking forward to seeing him, although very nervous. He's incredibly sweet and easy to get on with.

I'm annoyed with the hospital though. Just seen the doctor and can't start the methotrexate as they haven't received anything from the rheumatologist.

[Paula]

Oh ffs! Have you called them?

[Jaquaia]

I have no details for them, the doctor is getting the secretaries to chase it up and I'm to ring and check in a week.

[Angie]

Oh hunni that is not good x

[S deleted]

I'd be bloody fuming too.

[Paula]

(panda)