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View Full Version : Jokes and one liners part deux



Paula
29-02-16, 09:04 AM
Right, the original thread was getting way too big, so I'm starting a new thread. Start filling it up with funnies, people :)

purplefan
29-02-16, 09:05 AM
I used to know a boy at school called ‘Diarrhoea Dave’. He got the name because he was the only kid who could spell it.

purplefan
29-02-16, 09:07 AM
I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

purplefan
29-02-16, 09:13 AM
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

purplefan
29-02-16, 09:13 AM
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

Suzi
29-02-16, 12:41 PM
Those are brilliant!

S deleted
29-02-16, 02:58 PM
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.

S deleted
29-02-16, 03:00 PM
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

S deleted
29-02-16, 03:00 PM
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

S deleted
29-02-16, 03:02 PM
Rick Astley will let you borrow all of his Disney movies except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

S deleted
29-02-16, 03:03 PM
It is never wise to tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. Remember, that is where the knives are kept.

S deleted
29-02-16, 03:05 PM
I really need to stop blaming autocorrect and face the fact that I can't spill.

purplefan
02-03-16, 01:25 PM
I remember once in the 1960s i was on holiday in Cornwall with John Lennon. We got to the end of Cornwall and he said. "Imagine there's no Devon"?

S deleted
02-03-16, 02:38 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

purplefan
02-03-16, 06:31 PM
what do you all a dinosaur with one eye?
Do you think he sawar us.

purplefan
03-03-16, 11:30 AM
Louis Van Gaal the Manchester united manager is showing a new young player round old trafford. The kid is awe struck and cant believed he has just signed for them.
Louis said: " welcome to man utd the greatest club in the world, you will want for nothing here lad".
"first off you are getting £60,000 a week" the young lad reply's "that's brilliant mr Van Gaal, all i ever got at Droylesden was £20.00 a week".
Louie goes on. "Yes that's not all me lad" Sponsors want to give yo a new Aston martian DB8 and free petrol and road tax for the year".
The young lad says: " thats amazing all i ever got at Droylesden was my bus fare home"
"yes", speaking of that you will be moving into a club owned mansion with swimming pool and tennis court all rent free".
"WoW " said the young lad At Droylesden i was still living with my parents".
"And guess what"? said Mr.van Gaal. I am giving you your debut on Saturday against Manchester city" but don't worry if your tired because we can pull you off at half time". "blimey said they young man "all i ever got at Droylesden was an orange".

purplefan
03-03-16, 12:10 PM
If you go camping, don't go in the countryside.
have you noticed that when police find a dead body, its always in a tent?

purplefan
03-03-16, 12:26 PM
I am really very English at heart. I bought a book how to avoid dealing with your neighbours.
Unfortunately i was out when it was delivered.

purplefan
03-03-16, 05:45 PM
One of the worst job i had was when i was a Forensic pathologyst. I found a huge burial site of melted snowmen it was awful. Turned out it was just a field of carrots.

S deleted
08-07-16, 12:52 AM
The past. present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Bereft
09-07-16, 01:42 PM
There's another supermarket opening just down the road from Tesco, I'm glad because as Tesco say: 'Every Lidl Helps'

That Asda be an old joke, but I like it

Bereft
12-07-16, 11:00 PM
Got myself a new thesaurus earlier today, but it's awful, I can't even find the words to describe it.

Elless
13-07-16, 11:07 AM
.... but I don't have an 'any key' on my computer

Elless
13-07-16, 11:07 AM
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

Bereft
18-07-16, 11:10 AM
Not really a joke or one-liner, but a mix of humorous and frustrating. The word 'Brexit' has been going on so damned continuously that it's stuck in one of the many vacant spaces in my brain and I spent several minutes this morning trying to log into DWD with username 'Brexit' instead of 'bereft' very silly but unfortunately very true.
(doh)

S deleted
18-07-16, 11:22 AM
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

S deleted
18-07-16, 11:30 AM
I just managed to burn 1000 colories. I forgot about the pizza in the oven.

OldMike
18-07-16, 12:12 PM
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I'm one the generation who will forever think of the Lone Ranger when hearing Rossini's William Tell overture.

purplefan
19-07-16, 09:56 AM
Have you lot tried the new whisky diet? My friend did and lost 3 weeks.

purplefan
19-07-16, 09:58 AM
A l girl goes to see her doctor and the doctor is examining her and the doctor says: "big Breaths now" and the girl said: YETH i know i am only Thithteen.

purplefan
19-07-16, 10:03 AM
What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

Pen
19-07-16, 10:14 AM
Thanks for these folks. Made be break into a little smile on a day when everything seems grey.
Here is another one.

I rang BT and said "I want to report a nuisance caller" he said "not you again!!"

Pen
19-07-16, 10:15 AM
I watched a documentary the other night on how ships were built... Riveting

Pen
19-07-16, 10:16 AM
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day from within my fort...

Pen
19-07-16, 10:16 AM
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Pen
19-07-16, 10:17 AM
OK I will stop now... :8)

Paula
19-07-16, 10:25 AM
Lol please don't ;)

OldMike
19-07-16, 10:34 AM
Made me smile Pen. (happy)

Pen
19-07-16, 04:07 PM
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it....

S deleted
19-07-16, 04:28 PM
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

S deleted
19-07-16, 04:30 PM
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

OldMike
19-07-16, 04:32 PM
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

S deleted
19-07-16, 04:33 PM
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

OldMike
19-07-16, 04:39 PM
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

OldMike
19-07-16, 04:53 PM
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Call that a joke it totally sucks.

S deleted
20-07-16, 04:38 PM
Mohamed Ali was seated on the plane waiting for take off. The stewardess asked him to fasten his safety belt. Ali looked at the stewardess with a twinkle in his eye and said "Superman don't need no safety belt" "Sir" replied the stewardess,"Superman don`t need no plane"

purplefan
22-07-16, 10:33 PM
I was in the library the other day and i found a piece of cloth in a book. I though: "that's a turn up for the books"

purplefan
22-07-16, 10:35 PM
When i die, I want to go like my father, Peacefully in his sleep. Not like his passengers Screaming and shouting.

purplefan
22-07-16, 10:37 PM
"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

Pen
22-07-16, 10:48 PM
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Pen
22-07-16, 10:49 PM
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Pen
23-07-16, 08:28 AM
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

purplefan
28-07-16, 05:32 PM
A man goes to the doctors with a sore bottom. The Doctor asks him to bend down so h can have a look. The man says: "Can you see anything doctor"? The doctor replies "Yes i can, you have a bit of lettuce stuck up your arse"
The man is shocked and says:" What can you do to help me"? The doctor said: "I'm afraid its just the tip of the iceberg".

purplefan
29-07-16, 10:17 PM
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.

purplefan
29-07-16, 10:17 PM
Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.
No woman no Sky

purplefan
29-07-16, 10:26 PM
Garry Glitter, Stuart hall and Rolf Harris walk into a bar in Ireland and the barman says.
Not yew tree again!

purplefan
01-08-16, 12:58 PM
How many Germans dose it take to change a light bulb?
1. There very efficient, but not very funny.

purplefan
01-08-16, 01:00 PM
I read in the news that someone in London gets stabbed 25 times every second. Poor guy.

purplefan
01-08-16, 01:01 PM
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers,

purplefan
02-08-16, 12:13 AM
A man goes to the doc and says, Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. Th doc said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' He asked. 'It's not unusual' the doc replied.

purplefan
02-08-16, 12:54 PM
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

purplefan
02-08-16, 09:54 PM
Someone stole my mood ring today. I don't know how i feel about that.

purplefan
03-08-16, 04:58 PM
"I say i say i say."
'Are your relatives in business?'

'Yes - in the iron and steel business'

'Oh, indeed?'

'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'

purplefan
03-08-16, 04:59 PM
"I say, i say, i say"

'If I had a rabbit in a hutch, and I bought another rabbit, how many rabbits would I have?'

'Why, two, of course' 'No, ten'

'You don't know your arithmetic'

'You don't know my rabbits'

S deleted
03-08-16, 05:02 PM
I put an accumulator bet on 3 horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times but they all lost. I blame it on the Bookie.

purplefan
04-08-16, 12:01 PM
I say, i say, i say.
I just cleaned the attic with the wife yesterday.
Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs. Still she is good with the kids.

purplefan
06-09-16, 05:34 PM
How many ears dose Captain Kirk have?
3.
right ear; left ear and his final front ear.

purplefan
06-09-16, 05:40 PM
How many ears dose Davy Crockett have?
3.
Right ear; left ear and a wild front ear.

purplefan
06-09-16, 05:42 PM
Van Gogh is sitting in a pub having a drink and his mate comes in.
"All right"? He says to van Gogh, would you like a drink"?
"No thank you" replies Van, "Ive got one ear.

Flo
07-09-16, 02:54 PM
Van Gogh is sitting in a pub having a drink and his mate comes in.
"All right"? He says to van Gogh, would you like a drink"?
"No thank you" replies Van, "Ive got one ear.

(rofl)

Flo
07-09-16, 02:55 PM
Why can't you get Aspirin in the jungle?
**Cos the parrots eat em all**...(Paracetamol??...no??...oh alright then!)

purplefan
07-09-16, 10:41 PM
Why do African Elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wont pay the ransom.

purplefan
08-09-16, 02:06 PM
A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a goldfish.
"Would you like an aquarium"?
The man says: "I don't care what star sign it is"

I'll get my coat.

purplefan
08-09-16, 02:34 PM
A woman and man are snogging each other and the woman says :"Tell me something dirty"
And the man says: "your kitchen"!

Flo
09-09-16, 09:56 AM
Tee Hee!!!!(rofl)

OldMike
09-09-16, 10:19 AM
Nice one Purple. (rofl)

purplefan
13-09-16, 10:56 PM
Two goats are in a lane in Hollywood and they are munching on an old bit of film. One goat turns to the other and said "what did you think of that film"? The othr goat replied "it was okay, but i preferred the book"!

purplefan
13-09-16, 11:02 PM
Woman goes to the doctors, she is really up set, so the doctor calms he asks her what the problem is.
The woman replies; "Doctor i cant stop stealing things, it is getting out of hand. Today is stole three rolls; a book from the book shop, and a DVD recorder from marks. I'm at my whits end, please help me"!.
The doctor takes her had and says: "Dont worry mrs smith, just you take three of these tablets everyday for a week"
Mrs. Smith shakes her head and says:" But what if they don't work"? The doctor replies:"Well, could you gt me a 54 inch TV then please".

purplefan
19-09-16, 12:57 PM
The couple who were snogging in my previous joke have now taken matters a step further and they are now on the kitchen table. The woman is getting right into the swing of things and the old bloke is grunting and puffing along. The woman suddenly says:" YES, BABY, YES! "HURT ME HURT ME".
SO the bloke says: "Your dog has just died".

I know... I'll get my coat. (bow)

purplefan
27-09-16, 11:55 AM
"I heard a rumor that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

purplefan
19-10-16, 11:13 PM
you know who gives kids a bad name?
posh and becks

Flo
20-10-16, 10:49 AM
It's 1901, and the housekeeper and maids of The Big House are going to get their annual group photo taken. They get to the photographers and housekeeper takes young mary the innocent tweeny maid under her wing. They're all sitting there, and mary says:" Why is he getting that big sheet?" "He's going to focus" HK says. An aghast mary replies: "What? all of us?!!" ......No?...maybe not then.:s

S deleted
21-10-16, 10:26 AM
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

S deleted
21-10-16, 10:27 AM
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

Flo
21-10-16, 06:45 PM
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

(rofl)

Flo
21-10-16, 06:46 PM
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

Where do you get them from??(giggle)

Flo
21-10-16, 06:48 PM
A beautiful white stallion walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager. The barman, with a smug grin on his face says: "We've got a Whisky named after you"....horse says: "What? Eric?!"

S deleted
21-10-16, 07:00 PM
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was crap but the reception was brilliant

OldMike
21-10-16, 11:14 PM
A guy fell in to a vat of varnish and drowned, he had a terrible end but a beautiful finish.

purplefan
21-10-16, 11:35 PM
Two sandwiches walk into a bar and the barman says: " sorry but we don't serve food in hear".

S deleted
21-10-16, 11:55 PM
Englishman Irish man and a Scottish man walk into a bar and bar tender says 'Is this a bad joke?'

purplefan
30-10-16, 03:19 PM
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

angeleyes
31-10-16, 03:33 PM
lol laughing hard(rofl)

purplefan
03-11-16, 10:44 AM
I was in sainsbury's the other night looking at sausages and i came across the Jamie Oliver Brand and there is a nice photo of him on the box holding a sausage with a fork. In the cooking instructions it says "Prick with fork". And i though they are not wrong there.

purplefan
10-11-16, 10:46 PM
Scientists have found the gene that makes people shy.
It was hiding behind another gene.

purplefan
14-11-16, 07:00 PM
Paddy and Mick were having a chat in the local and Mick turns to Paddy and says:" Do you know Christmas falls on a Friday this year paddy?" Paddy Says: Begora, (sorry maggie) Mick i did not know that, i hope idont fall on the 13th".

purplefan
18-11-16, 09:54 AM
Did you hear about the Irish turkey? He is looking forward to christmas.
i'll get my coat.

Pen
19-11-16, 07:53 PM
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music.

Pen
19-11-16, 07:54 PM
What do you call a mixed media artist without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Pen
19-11-16, 07:56 PM
What's the main difference between an electrician and a potter?
An electrician washes his hands AFTER he has gone to the toilet, but a potter washes his hands BEFORE he goes to the toilet.

Pen
19-11-16, 08:03 PM
What is the question most art graduates regularly ask after getting their degrees?

"Would you like to add fries to that order?"

Paula
20-11-16, 10:12 AM
(giggle)

purplefan
25-11-16, 01:52 PM
What do you call someone who hangs around musicians all day?
A Drummer.

Suzi
25-11-16, 02:00 PM
(rofl) (rofl) I'm still talking to an amazing drummer I met at Uni and I often throw that kind of comment at him! (rofl) (rofl)

purplefan
06-12-16, 04:31 PM
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

purplefan
07-12-16, 04:45 PM
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberqueue.

S deleted
07-12-16, 05:21 PM
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Cos they were two deer.

purplefan
08-12-16, 11:33 AM
(rofl) you must have the same box of Christmas crackers as m stella. (giggle)

purplefan
08-12-16, 05:59 PM
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

S deleted
12-12-16, 01:23 AM
What did Santa say to his wife when he looked out of the window? It looks like reindeer

purplefan
12-12-16, 03:46 AM
I was going past this rubbish tip today and saw a flock of seagulls flying over the rubbish.
I thought, who threw them out?

S deleted
12-12-16, 10:36 AM
What happened when Santa went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker

purplefan
12-12-16, 10:33 PM
A man limps into th doctors and stands and says: "HELLO", DOCTOR IVE GOT A SORE BUM AND I CANT SIT DOWN". The doctor said: "There is no need to shout just drop your trousers and lean over the couch and let the dog see the rabbit". SO, the guy took his trousers down and bent over. Himmmm Th doctor went."That is odd". "Whats the matter doctor"? Asked the man. "well", said the doctor you have a mince pie stuck up your arse". "A what" said the man. "A mince pie" said the doctor. "Can you give me anything for it" asked the man. "Well" said the doctor."I could give you some cream".

S deleted
14-12-16, 09:56 AM
What Christmas carol is sang in the desert? O camel ye faithful

S deleted
17-12-16, 12:48 PM
What do vampires sing on New Years Eve? Auld Fang Syne

purplefan
18-12-16, 03:19 PM
What do the workers at sports direct get for their Christmas lunch?
About 5 minutes.

purplefan
19-12-16, 08:59 PM
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

Tawny
20-12-16, 09:05 PM
While camping one night, I remember looking up at the sky, the moon was full, not a cloud in sight. The stars twinkled brightly and every now and then a shooting star flashed by. I could make out Jupiter and Mars, the Milky way.. As I pondered upon this wondrous sight, I thought...
Who the hell pinched my tent?

S deleted
22-12-16, 02:01 PM
What do you give to the man who has everything for Christmas?

Penicillin

S deleted
23-12-16, 10:26 AM
I brought some Christmas presents online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card
It cost me an arm and a leg

purplefan
23-12-16, 08:06 PM
What do you give to the man who has everything for Christmas?

Penicillin

(rofl) best laugh today.

purplefan
31-12-16, 09:22 PM
I really hate them Russian dolls. There so full of themselves.

purplefan
02-01-17, 03:43 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, well
it all adds up."

Flo
02-01-17, 06:39 PM
An old one from school:

Don't you think it's cruel to stick pins in spiders?..well of course!
Well why isn't it cruel to sew buttons on flies??

I'm going now....

purplefan
02-01-17, 08:31 PM
An inflatable boy named Billy goes to his inflatable school to take his exam. He sits at his inflatable desk. He hadn't revised and on looking at his inflatable exam paper, he realising he could not do it he jumped up from his inflatable chair and ran towards the exit. The inflatable teacher yelled at him "Go to the inflatable headmasters office .. NOW!" "No !! I won't !!" yelled the inflatable boy and plunged his pencil into the inflatable teaches arm. He ran out of the inflatable school, plunging his pencil into the inflatable school. He ran down the inflatable road to his inflatable home and into his inflatable bedroom. Feeling so much remorse for his actions he picked up the pencil and pieced his inflatable arm. Hours later he awoke to find himself at the inflatable hospital. He opened his eyes and in the bed next to him was his inflatable teacher sitting up in bed, the teacher turned to him and said .......... "Billy.....You've let me down, You've let the school down .. But most of all ... You've let yourself down.

Suzi
02-01-17, 08:44 PM
OMG That was not only terrible, but I think my boys are still groaning and I can't breathe for laughing at them! Thank you so much!

Paula
05-01-17, 09:19 AM
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but thatís it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)d teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Mira
05-01-17, 07:18 PM
A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her man looking troubled and waving a gun around.
Oh my baby what are you doing with that gun she askes?
Where the man looks and comes to his senses.
I was hunting decepticons he said.
The woman says: there are no decepticons baby its all in the movies.
The man starts laughing about it. The women laughs about it. The toaster laughs about it.
Then the man shoots the toaster.

purplefan
10-01-17, 06:19 PM
A man goes to the doctors, because he is not well. Doctor tells him to say "Ahhhh"! "Why"? asks the man. Because my cat died today said the doctor.

purplefan
07-02-17, 02:26 PM
"I say i say i say!; My dog has no nose"

"Really! How dose he smell"?

"Terrible".

(rofl)

purplefan
07-02-17, 02:28 PM
A man walks into a pet shop.
"I'd Like to buy a goldfish please" said the man.

The shop keeper said "Would you like an aquarium sir"?
The man reply's: "I don't care what star sign it is".

purplefan
17-02-17, 11:42 PM
happy New year everyone. (party)

sorry, i suffer from premature congratulations.

purplefan
02-03-17, 12:57 AM
What dose a west ham united fan use as a contraceptive?
His personality.

purplefan
02-03-17, 12:58 AM
What do you say to someone who has spent 4 years at university on a mdia study course?
"Can i have fries with that please".

purplefan
21-05-17, 02:24 AM
I once wrote a book about poltergeists. it was so popular, it flew of the shelves.

S deleted
22-05-17, 03:37 PM
I was in this bar at the weekend and not saying it was rough or anything but I saw a sign stating Toilets and garden. It wasn't until I got out there I realised they were the same place.

AndThisTooMustPass
23-05-17, 01:54 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar.
"Pint of bitter and a mop please."

purplefan
03-07-17, 11:05 PM
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.

purplefan
22-08-17, 11:11 AM
I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.

purplefan
22-08-17, 11:12 AM
I was not very close to my father when he died. Witch was fortunate, he trod on a land mine.

ophelia
17-11-17, 10:02 PM
how many therapists does it take to change a lite bulb?

just 1, but it will take 9 weekly sessions.

lol

ophelia
22-11-17, 10:34 AM
2 flies playing in a saucer

1 turns to the other one and says, we have to do better than this- next week we're supposed to be playing in the cup

S deleted
22-11-17, 02:05 PM
What is a snowman's favorite game?

Ice Spy

S deleted
09-12-17, 11:38 AM
What do the royal family play instead of musical chairs?

Game of thrones.

S deleted
09-12-17, 05:11 PM
Two American tourists on a street corner. Which one is a prostitute?

The with a badge saying Idaho.

ophelia
14-12-17, 12:37 PM
why are 2 times 10 and 2 times 11 the same thing

because 2 times 10 is 20, and 2 times 11 is 20, too

purplefan
08-01-18, 12:29 PM
Filling out them university application forums can be tricky.
My friends son made 1 spelling mistake and ended up spending 3 years at the university of East Angola!

TiffanyyO
17-01-18, 11:40 PM
What do the royal family play instead of musical chairs?

Game of thrones.

(clap) HAHAHA

smelly_steph
23-04-18, 09:38 AM
an american tourist visits japan

while he's their, he realises that he doesn't like japanese food

luckily, he spots an advert for an american pizza ordering service.

so he goes back to his hotel and orders a takeaway

well about half an hour later the pizza man arives and gives the man his pizza, and thee man starts sneezing

man: what did you put on this pizza?

pizza guy: what you asked for, sir, pepper only

smelly_steph
26-04-18, 04:39 PM
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went
into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.
After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.

"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you."

jambuttie
06-09-18, 05:00 PM
I've just started reading a really good book on the history of Superglue ……. I can't put it down

Jarre
07-09-18, 06:43 PM
A few one liners from teh great Stephen Wright...

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

smelly_steph
17-11-18, 12:37 PM
woman walks in to a vet with a goldfish.

she goes up to the vet and says, I believe my goldfish is epileptic.

so the vet looks at the fish and replies, hmm, it looks really calm to me
woman replies well, yes, maybe now, but watch what happens when I remove it from the bowl

purplefan
23-12-18, 08:48 PM
I really hate them Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I sat next to my doppelganger on a plane.
I was beside myself.

Ken Willidau
09-02-19, 05:45 PM
These are some of the best I have written. Hope they make you laugh.

Iíll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didnít start to hate me until we were in high school.

If itís any consolation to you, my sisters treat my mother like crap, so youíre not the only mother whoís a bitch.

I want to change jobs, but Iím trapped by the golden handcuffs. It will take at least 6 months for my urine to test clean.

I feel sorry for wild animals because itís like theyíre always camping without beer.

Iím going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid youíre going to eat her.

Why did the bullied kid just want to live in his own virtual world? Heíd rather be an e-scapegoat.

When I told my baseball coach that my 100-year-old grandmother was watching the game, and it would make her life if she could see me playing in it, he put her in and made me stand, and not sit, on the bench waving so she would.

My poor traits donít do me justice and have painted an unflattering picture of me.

Why did I feel like I was ripped off when I ordered a filet of catfish? My friend paid the same price and got 9 filets of sole.

What did the gnome make his clone into? Its elf.

I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yelling ĎIím here. Iím over here.í, in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasnít lost, at all, so I called off the search.

Bright Spot Alert! I connected all the dots in my life and when I looked at the whole picture I ended up with the pony I always wanted but never got.

If I need a taxi to get home, I go into the nearest pizza place and order one delivery to my home for a ride there if they want my business and tell them I wonít be able to order one from home if I have to spend the money to get there.

I hate it when I buy jeans with a metal-buttoned fly because the only thing quick about them is how fast they rust.

I used to be a cat burglar, but the vet bills were killing me.

I used to eat breath mints that gave me such bad gas that they doubled as room air fresheners, too.

I didnít know what to think when my drug dealer went legit, and I couldnít stop buying vacuum cleaners off him, after that.

Why are eye glasses called spectacles? Because they really are something to see.

If I live to a notable age and the reporters ask me what the secret is to my longevity, I will tell them that I killed and assumed the identity of someone 20 years older than me years ago.

How do I know I feel alienated on this planet and always have? When I walked in on my mother in the nude, once, I automatically raised my finger, lit up and started saying ĎHoooome.í.

I got sick of telling everyone my two cats were Siamese so I renamed them Changandeng and Lucky.

Thereís nothing more hypocritical to me than being stopped at the door of someone whoís invited me over and wanting the guest towels back when Iím leaving.

I find it hard calling strangers strangers because they arenít more strange than the people I know.

I joined the school cross country team, and by the time I finished the first race my whole team had graduated by the time I got back from the border.

I wore a gold wedding band out tonight to see if itís true that people only want what other people have, and it is. It was gone by the time I got home.

You know youíre very old when no one can even be bothered grooming you before youíre going out because you have to be there today.

My generation wrecked everything, not being responsible, so you can only blame the generation before it, for letting it happen.

Itís been so long since my parents gave me a pat on the back that if it happened, now, I would think Iíd just burp.

It totally offends me when Iím watching TV, and theyíre bleeping someone, because I have a filthier imagination than most people have mouths.

I know travelling isnít for me because someone always even breaks into my house every time I watch a travel show on TV and steals my luggage.

I felt vindicated when I blamed my man boobs, that people were constantly teasing me about, on eating meat being treated with hormones when they had to admit that all four of them did look like udders to them.

I think it was the egg that confused me because when I was born I chirped.

I used to blame being left-handed on looking awkward at doing everything but, you know, I look just as awkward in the mirror as a right-hander, so I guess, either way, it didnít matter.

Being dyslexic has its ups and downs. It was embarassing when I wanted a drink and walked into a bra, but not as embarassing as when I go to one with others and order a glass of milk there, too.

Now that everything in this world is a trigger to me, every time I see a picture of planet Earth I see a gun in space.

Paula
15-06-19, 11:14 AM
https://i.ibb.co/fXH5Srk/73254383-64-EB-460-B-A491-E6837-FD210-CA.jpg (https://ibb.co/dfDqckP)

Suzi
15-06-19, 11:28 AM
That made H and I laugh this morning!

ayesha
21-07-19, 04:43 PM
why did addelle cross the road

to say hello from the other side

Paula
21-07-19, 05:45 PM
(rofl)

Suzi
21-07-19, 10:38 PM
(rofl)(rofl)

ayesha
23-07-19, 07:27 AM
so a woman walks in to a vet with her pet goldfish

the woman says, I believe that my goldfish has epilepsy

the vet replies, well, he looks fine to me, calm and collective (he's just swimming around the bowl like fishes are supposed too)

the woman replies oh, he may be fine now, but watch what happens when I remove him from the water

magie06
23-07-19, 10:17 AM
(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)