View Full Version : Jokes and one liners
Heres a few one liners from an American comedian called Stephen Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Squishymama
17-02-12, 07:09 AM
LOL! Brilliant. Really made me smile :)
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Stephen Wright is quite relevant as he has been fighting depression for many years and has always been a recluse. he is very dead pan with his humour, heres a snippit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJCMjJwIGxY
Aspasia
17-02-12, 11:21 PM
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
^ So funny, and funny because they are very true!
Yes ALL Truly American
Surely too unbelievable to be true but if they are ..... IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA
Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately forDickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
Two-hand scratching after this one.
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch. You're getting a bald spot!
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver'sseat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
She got $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid....
or are more members of Parliament serving on juries these days?
LIVE well... LAUGH often... LOVE much
russells
04-05-12, 11:11 AM
Exit signs, they're on the way out!
Alphabet grenade - if it goes off it could spell disaster
One armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out!
So I went down the local supermarket. I said: “I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said: “Those are pickled onions.”
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.
Enjoy :-)
This made me laugh out loud today when a friend posted it on Facebook...
What do you call a judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs.
Ok,that may say more about the nature of depression than anything else...but it STILL made me laugh!
knowlesy
12-03-13, 01:36 AM
A lot of people have probably seen these but they crack me up.Clean language but may offend(nothing to bad-best to give a heads up though)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNDlrVarS2Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Neo0hHqWTeM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLknS8L9QmA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bEtdFrmxQ4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
(whew)
knowlesy
12-03-13, 02:10 AM
This isnt a joke or one liner but is hilarious IMHO;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGS_CKLEVc4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
(rofl)
Plus here's one for the girls....
In my next life..
In this life I'm a woman
In my next life.
I'd like to be a bear....mm....(mm)
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I COULD DEAL WITH THAT .
Before you hibernate you're supposed to eat yourself stupid
I COULD DEAL WITH THAT
When you're a girl bear.
You birth children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake up to partially grown
cute cuddly cubs.
I COULD DEFINITELY DEAL WITH THAT
If you are a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line,you swat them too.
I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat
YUP GONNA BE A BEAR!!!!! (grin)
knowlesy
12-03-13, 06:26 PM
That sounds good to me Amaeru!
Was going to put Stewart Francis on too Jarre but each one had a joke that would have caused it to be removed:s & Tim Vine but I got a sore thumb by then(happy)
I wanna be a bear!!!!! (rofl)
knowlesy
12-03-13, 07:03 PM
I can act like one with a sore (mooning) at times;)
Good medical advice
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for health
&
may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind..
I follow a guy on Twitter who tweets some awesome one-liners. Here's a sample:
Do your clothes smell of Jedi? Must be body Yoda.
My friend thinks he's a traffic island. He broke the news to me yesterday - in a roundabout way.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Chicken doubt.
Mum used to make us drink Milk of Amnesia. I forget why.
:)
knowlesy
17-03-13, 09:30 AM
I broke wind in a lift; thats wrong on so many levels.
(stewart francis)
When Prince Charles sails to Cornwall he goes via the English channel rather than the Bristol channell. Thats because he wants to make sure to "pass the Duchy on the left hand side"
(Milton Jones)
BNAG- Thats BANG out of order that is.
(Tim Vine)
Proceedings in American Courtrooms
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Fairy tale-with attitude. And anglo saxon
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned out the litter boxes, put out their food and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. . .
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F(swear)(swear)IN' PORRIDGE YET!!!"
knowlesy
20-03-13, 08:20 PM
(rofl)
Leizllou
20-03-13, 10:09 PM
Love it thank you
Music and medicine - easily confused
There was once this welsh girl, see, called Megan..
Megan got herself pregnant. Well she didn't get herself pregnant but you know what I mean.;)
Terribly worried she goes to see her friend , Bronwyn.
"Oh Bronwen," she says "I'm in terrible terrible trouble. I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. My da will kill me."
Bronwen thinks long and hard.
"I tell you what you need to do, Megan" says Bronwen "You want to go and see one of those Harley street doctors, see. They will sort it out for you and you da doesn't need to know."
Megan takes her friend's advice and travels down to Harley street. A bit flummoxed she knocks on the first Dr's door she sees. The name on the brass plate reads Dr Ralph Vaughan Williams.
A house keeper answers the door.
"I need to see the Dr right away" says Megan "Its ever so important, see."
"I'm afraid that won't be possible, my dear," says the housekeeper, "He's orchestrating 'The Men of Harlech'
"Orrf castrating the men of Harlech!!"Megan testily replies "Well it's about bl(swear)(swear)dy time somebody did!!!"
Two cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
... You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores,
feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A ROMANIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell them to the abattoir where they are slaughtered and minced.
The procesed meat is shipped to France and then to re-shipped to neighbouring Luxembourg
to make frozen meat dishes for Tesco.
It turns out you had two horses and not two cows.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive!
knowlesy
10-04-13, 05:02 AM
Very good (happy)
knowlesy
26-04-13, 08:45 PM
Saw this on northwest today, didnt know where to post it but had to share, made me (rofl) (rofl) & :@ at same time (its 100% true)
Local supermarket chain Booth's had to withdraw an entire shipment of own brand bags of monkey nuts by the food standard agency as they didnt have the warning; "May contain nuts" on the packet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Couldnt make it up could you?? :x
That is completely and utterly barking :s(rofl)
On the subject of nuts - really bad childish joke.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I'll have a peanut
(groan!!!!!)
Just spotted this via a Facebook link. Made me chuckle (happy)
http://vimeo.com/65102146
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.10 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.