Jokes and one liners

[purplefan]

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?

[purplefan]

I'm not saying suzi's a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. (rofl)

[purplefan]

Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?

[S deleted]

I'm not saying suzi's a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. (rofl)

Dude, thats my trick not Suzi, lol'

[purplefan]

what is a geriatric?
A German who scores three goals.
ill get my coat.

[purplefan]

If it weren't for marriage husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.

[purplefan]

I have so many holes in my socks i can put them on 17 different ways.

[S deleted]

a copper knocked on my door earlier and said I could be in trouble as my dog had just chased a man on his bike
That can't be right I said, my dog hasn't got a bike

[purplefan]

A policeman knocks on a door and there is a little kid about 9 years old standing there. he has his dads dressing gown on, a cigar in one hand, and a blond in each arm.
The policeman looks at him and asks. "is you parents at home sunny"? The little lad replies. "what do you think"?

[Hugo-agogo]

https://youtu.be/6UepI8W6pq4

[purplefan]

I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

[matt]

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

[purplefan]

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? A: Denis.

[S deleted]

What is hot and runny?
Usain Balti.

[S deleted]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds

[purplefan]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds

Penny just dropped after days of staring at it. Very good.

[purplefan]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

[purplefan]

Best joke voted at the Edinburgh festive.
I have just deleted all my German contacts from my phone.
I am now Hans free. (rofl)

[purplefan]

What's the difference between a BT engineer and a monkey?
Monkey has more brains.

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/e9231d07109dd717ebd5231236673697_zpstolaoogi.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/e9231d07109dd717ebd5231236673697_zpstolaoogi.jpg.h tml)

[S deleted]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

[S deleted]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

[S deleted]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[S deleted]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwwzUqItFs

[Paula]

(rofl)

[S deleted]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

[purplefan]

A man goes to the dentis and says "Dentist, dentist i have yellow teath"
Dentist replys: "thats easy, wear a brown tie".
Boom boom.


What do you say to someone who studied media studies at university?
"can i have fries with that please".

[purplefan]

Woody allen.

I really love my Gold watch that i got from my Father; he sold it to me on his death bed"

[Pen]

Scared the postman today by going to the door stark naked

I'm not sure what scared him more, me being naked, or me knowing where he lived.

[OldMike]

Why is abbreviation such a long word!!?

[OldMike]

Considering the weather today this popped into my mind.

Doctor I'm suffering from wind, so he gave me a kite.

[purplefan]

A man goes to the doctors with a sore arse. "ive got a sore arse" he tells the doctor, so the doctor tells him to take his trousers down so he could have a look.
"No wonder your arse is sore" said the doctor> "You have a mince pie stuck up there"!!
"Really"!! exclaimed the man "Can you do anything for me"? yes" Said the doctor. "I can give you some ream for it".

[purplefan]

Police in London found a 20 year old dead Chelsea fan on the embankment. He was wearing a blond wig; fishnet stockings suspenders, and a leather mini skirt and high heels. he was also wearing a chelsea shirt. Police removed the chelsea shirt so save his family for embarrassment.

[purplefan]

A little lad was up before the children's court and the judge was asking him.
"Do you want to live with your mother"?
The little lad replies, "no, mother beats me".
The the judge said. "Well do you want to live with your father"?
Little lad replies. ""no, father beats me".
The judge says "well, who do you want to live with"?
The little lad says. "Chelsea, They don't beat no one".

[OldMike]

Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

[OldMike]

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

[purplefan]

Did you here about the Irish Turkey?
Hes looking forward to christmas.


Ill get my coat.

[OldMike]

What about the Irish video recorder!
Records stuff you don't like and plays it back when you're out.

[purplefan]

How dose Good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan; crisp and even.

[purplefan]

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

[purplefan]

How many tickles dose it take to make an octopus laugh?
ten ticles.

[purplefan]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

[purplefan]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartenders asks "why so glum"? the man replys "well my girlfriend has just left me".
"Ho no" said the bar tender that's awful". "can i ask why"?
The man said "well, she got fed up cause i kept on using her tooth brush". Bar tender said thats a bit of a flimsy excuse to leave some one for".
"I know said the man" "But you tell me of a better way of removing sh1t from your shoes and ill use it"

[purplefan]

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men? You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.

[OldMike]

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for women it's made from a massive lump of granite you roll it across the bedroom door so hubby can't get in.

[purplefan]

What is a girl from woking favorite color? Glitter!!(rofl)

[purplefan]

I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt at the weekend.
I thought, that shows a lot of balls.

[OldMike]

I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt at the weekend.
I thought, that shows a lot of balls.

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

[purplefan]

I used to work in the factory that made fire hydrants. But you couldn't park near the place.

[purplefan]

If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet? ^)

[purplefan]

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[S deleted]

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you

[S deleted]

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

[S deleted]

I bet you £2,594.82 that you can't guess how much money I owe to my bookie

[S deleted]

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

[purplefan]

A blind guy walks into the army recruitment office and says he wants to join the paratrooper regiment.

The sergeant is very impressed with the mans determination. But says to him " i dont mean to be rude but your blind and you want to join the paratroop regiment", how will you know when you get near the ground to pull the rip cord"?
"Easy" said the man. "my dogs lead will go slack."

[purplefan]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

[OldMike]

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”

“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”

“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”

[purplefan]

My local drama group advertised that they were putting on some Roman plays. XXX Roman plays it said. I though it sounded sexy but all it was was 30 plays..

[purplefan]

i got a recipe book for road kill. I tried one of the recipes in it, It was delicious, but i still don't know what to do with his bike.

[purplefan]

Our community Bobby came to the school the other day and did a talk on Heroin.
Thing is, you couldn't understand any of it.

[purplefan]

its really hard being a teacher these day. I mean what do you do if you stand in the front of the class you can write on the board, but you cant see the children.
if you stand at the back of the class, you can see the children but not the board. No one has solved that dilemma not by a long chalk!.

[purplefan]

I hated school when i was a kid. One day the teacher asked me if wanted to take the school Guinea pig home, and seven months later i ended up in the African republic of Guinea.I was lost, the British consulate didn't want to know, my parents did not know where i was and my space hopper had a puncture.

[purplefan]

I love going into starbucks and drinking their coffee. But have you tried going in five minutes before closing?
"Sorry mate, we turned the coffee machine off".
Well, F&**(& Turn it back on again ,i didn't come in for a chat.

[Hugo-agogo]

I hated school when i was a kid. One day the teacher asked me if wanted to take the school Guinea pig home, and seven months later i ended up in the African republic of Guinea.I was lost, the British consulate didn't want to know, my parents did not know where i was and my space hopper had a puncture.

Lol, I know that one, Milton Jones!

[purplefan]

Lol, I know that one, Milton Jones!

He is funny. I was watching a DVD of his and could not stop laughing.

[S deleted]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[S deleted]

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

[S deleted]

I really don't know what the best thing about living in Switzerland is but the flag is a big plus

[S deleted]

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a nobel prize.

[S deleted]

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[S deleted]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

[S deleted]

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

[OldMike]

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Shame on you Stella and you being a member of the Duck Protection Society. http://i1200.photobucket.com/albums/bb333/mikeyates1000/ducks_1_zpsthlcbgui.gif (http://s1200.photobucket.com/user/mikeyates1000/media/ducks_1_zpsthlcbgui.gif.html)

[S deleted]

Q: What time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn!

[S deleted]

Q: Which side of a duck has the prettiest feathers?

A: The outside!

[S deleted]

Q: Why did the duck fly south for the winter?

A: Because it was too far to walk.

[S deleted]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any chapstick?" When the pharmacist hands it to him, the duck replies, "Thanks, just put it on my bill."

[purplefan]

As i child i had a condition that to survive i had to eat soil three times a day.
it was luck my older brother told me about it.

[purplefan]

I used to think that stick and stones could break my bones but words will never hurt me.
till i fell into a printing press.

[purplefan]

I love the Internet it is brilliant. I went on to ask jeeves and asked him
Why is Google so much better.
They recon it is going to cost us €30 million pounds to send our Olympic team to Brazil next year but I say you can't put a price on 2 bronze medals in cycling.

The fastest man ever on a bike was British. He went at 156MPH. 156MPH wow that's fast. It was recorded at a level crossing.

[purplefan]

A lot of people ry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
A lot of people ask me how I cope with my depression and I tell them. I like to put smartie tubes on cats leg and watch them walk. If I'm really stressed I watched them going down stairs.

[S deleted]

Are any of your jokes actually going to be funny rather that offensive?

[purplefan]

How can you say the onion joke was offensive?

[S deleted]

It sure as hell wasn't funny

[Pen]

Woman goes into a chemists and asks the pharmacist "I would like a strong poison guaranteed to kill a man quickly" "you must be nuts" says the pharmacist, "I cant sell you anything like that, its illegal" The woman goes into her handbag and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. "Ah" said the pharmacist "thats different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[mitz]

Are any of your jokes actually going to be funny rather that offensive?

this is just one of things I was referring to; and have felt u comfortable reading others past and present. the thread I made was closed and I'm unable to send anymore private messages, so i have no where appropriate to respond. Stella you know you're u have a tendency to be harsh, which is why you knew I was referring to you. it just feels very cliquey around here sometimes, when some can away with things and others can't, even if they try to highlight it, just get gagged! suzi this forum is brilliNt and you do a brilliant job, far better than I and many cld do; providing a service, and a free one at that, is just amazing, so pls don't take this as a criticism; I'm trying to higifnt a real issue as I see it - which is exactly what others say they are trying to do!

[Paula]

Hi, Mitz. It's really tough modding a forum where members are all dealing with depression, either as someone with MH issues or those affected by it. The admin team are all volunteers and are also all dealing with this illness in different ways. But we try our best to be encouraging and supportive, while also ensuring that nothing on the forum can be considered offensive or triggering to members. Suzi has picked all the mods bearing in mind our different strengths and, I believe, we make a good team - all of us. There is never any intention to 'gag' anyone, but there are appropriate ways to flag up a potential problem. Commenting on threads such as this isn't really an appropriate method.

So, I truly hope this thread can return to what it does best - bringing a smile to our members :)

[Suzi]

this is just one of things I was referring to; and have felt u comfortable reading others past and present. the thread I made was closed and I'm unable to send anymore private messages, so i have no where appropriate to respond. Stella you know you're u have a tendency to be harsh, which is why you knew I was referring to you. it just feels very cliquey around here sometimes, when some can away with things and others can't, even if they try to highlight it, just get gagged! suzi this forum is brilliNt and you do a brilliant job, far better than I and many cld do; providing a service, and a free one at that, is just amazing, so pls don't take this as a criticism; I'm trying to higifnt a real issue as I see it - which is exactly what others say they are trying to do!
I'm glad you like the forum. I don't know why you can't send PM's, but I'll look into it. But please, if you have a problem with any of my team there are better ways to deal with it rather than tagging onto random threads. I would rather that you didn't name particular members of the team, in the same way I wouldn't want anyone to pick a forum member..
Thank you x