Jokes and one liners

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/post-5196-1380918006_thumb_zps97e08d27.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/post-5196-1380918006_thumb_zps97e08d27.jpg.html)

[Suzi]

(rofl)

[knowlesy]

(rofl) (rofl)

[purplefan]

I can't believe that Jeremy Clarkson used the "N" word on top gear.

"Nissan" :o

[purplefan]

The police in Northern Ireland have held sinn fein leader Gerry Adams for a second night.
To be sure to be sure.

[purplefan]

The pope has a visit to New York and a limousine is there to pick him up.
The driver opens the door and the pope asks:"it's been a long time since i have driven a car, would you mind if i drove for a little while"?
The driver rather hesitantly, thinks and says: "i'm not sure i can do that Holy father". "Ho go on, please" replied the pope.
So reluctantly the driver agrees. The pope goes into the driver seat and the chauffeur went in the back.
The pope is really happy and is whistling and driving down the freeway. Unfortunately a traffic cops flashes his lights, and pulls the pope over.
The cop is stunned to see the pope driving so he radio into control.
:"sarge, he says, Sarge your not going to believe this but ive got someone really important i've stopped and i don't know what to do".
The sarge radios back. :"more important then the mayor"?
"Much more than that". replies the cop.
"Who is it then?" replies the serge. "I've no idea said the cope, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.

[amaeru]

http://i1353.photobucket.com/albums/q670/amaeru69/00_zpsde30846f.png (http://s1353.photobucket.com/user/amaeru69/media/00_zpsde30846f.png.html)

[Suzi]

(rofl)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/14dbfc1732c234662edb5a46c98c0f65_zps3017bac4.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/14dbfc1732c234662edb5a46c98c0f65_zps3017bac4.jpg.h tml)

[sidiam]

16.30 Still at MindUp...tired but (rofl) thanks Amaeru..
Sxx

[purplefan]

I see in the news today that poor Justin Bieber has been charged with attempted robbery?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17515305

I'm surprised the chargers we so lenient . He's been murdering songs for years.

[purplefan]

Breaking news

The Irish government has sent a crack team of experts to assist in the hunt for the missing school girls.The Algerian government dose not know what to do with them

[purplefan]

Oh how I wish I could have spent more time with my granpa.
Instead of playing football with me mates; I could have been going to the shops for him.
Brought him his fav paper and some sweets.
If only I had not waisted my time on my computer instead I should have gone round to his and listened to him reminisce about back in the day. I should have spent more time with him.
Sadly today, the old fart has just won the lottery and went off to Spain and left me nothing.

[purplefan]

Lollipop ladies. The make me cross.

[purplefan]

The Nigerian government is offering a £3,000,000 reward for the return of the missing school girls.
To collect it, all you have to do is send in your bank details with your mothers maiden name.

[purplefan]

I wish people would leave Gary Barlow alone about this tax thing.

What fever he said what ever he did he didn't mean it.

[Paula]

This is genius :)

Hope it copies ok without causing problems, I had trouble with it but it was worth sticking with

http://astoundable.com/intelevator-elevator-humor-prank/#

[purplefan]

IF YOU WANT TO PARTY CLAP YOUR HANDS, (rofl)
Classic.

[purplefan]

So morrissey had joined Twitter.
Panic in the tweets of London,

[purplefan]

washing Done!
Ironing Done!
shopping Done!
Hoovering DOne!
Kids in bed Done!.

Great. Now i can leave the pub and go home. (rofl)

[purplefan]

since moving in with my son and family. My D.I.L has been moaning that i don't know how to use the washing machine.

"Of course i do" i said: "You put it on an gas mark 6 or something".

[Westin]

Always remember there is no I in insane.
Just me.

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)

[purplefan]

whats the difference between God and a lawyer?
God dose not think he is a lawyer.

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/16a5916e21e3ce44d01db9412001f764_zpsf4f47314.jpg

[Watson]

My mates wife just left him, just up sticks and walked out. She took the satellite dish and all his Bob Marley CD's. Poor bloke.

No woman, no sky.

[Suzi]

*Groan*

[purplefan]

Did you here about the two TV areal that got married?

The wedding was ok but the reception was terrible.

[purplefan]

Found an old oil lamp earlier and a genie appeared. He granted me a wish, so i wished to be made irresistible to women.
He turned me into a pair of shoes.

[purplefan]

A new study at Leeds university has suggested that children can learn to love vegetables if you introduce them when they are a baby.
Im not convinced.
Chloe has not stopped screaming since i swapped her teddy bear for a carrot.

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/a4d97fe25e5b990bdf1748a0f4222d7d_zpsa8c55233.jpg

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/2933d8e76821ac67b8e757a0e5825ca7_zps415b297e.jpg

[Pen]

I got one right… (blush)

[Pen]

Two little boys, one 7 the other 4 where talking in the bedroom. The 7 year old says "I think we should start swearing, I will go first at breakfast then you" OK says his brother.
The following morning mum asks the older one "what do you want for breakfast"
He replies "Coco Pops Bitch"
WHACK, she hits him so hard he falls off his chair and runs out of the room crying.
She turns to the 4 year old "and what do you want?" she asks
The 4 year old replies "I'm not sure but I certainly don't want f****ng Coco Pops"

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Paula]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/a4d97fe25e5b990bdf1748a0f4222d7d_zpsa8c55233.jpg

I'm right brain dominant then, which makes sense cos I'm left handed

[knowlesy]

Me too, although I wouldnt say either sides dominant in mine ;)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Funny-dirty-Jokes6-300x190_zps64c7681d.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Funny-dirty-Jokes6-300x190_zps64c7681d.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/postcard-aa003a_1_zpsb258ed05.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/postcard-aa003a_1_zpsb258ed05.jpg.html)


(rofl)

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)

[Amaya]

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

[Pen]

Well I was feeling a bit low this evening but this made me splutter and giggle in spite of myself. Thank you EmmyRed.

[amaeru]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
Oh I did laugh reading those. Thanks Emmy x

[amaeru]

Post Turtles

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our
leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post
Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up
there to begin with."

[Paula]

(giggle)

[purplefan]

This is a bit rude, so apologies in advance if i offend anyone but i think it is ok.

A couple are lying on the beach after a fantastic sex episode. The woman is panting and watching the stars in the night sky.
"Ho John" she says, "that was the most incredible sex i have ever had" "It was lucky that you had that condom".
John said: "Yes i know, i just fond it over there" (rofl)

[Suzi]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (rofl)

[knowlesy]

Saw that on naked video when I was 12, still funny though.

[purplefan]

Naked video was awesome. Used to listen to naked radio also.

[Suzi]

Did you ever see the Naked Jungle Run thing with Keith Chegwin? Something which should come under "horror".. ;)

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xr0542_naked-jungle-game-show_shortfilms

[purplefan]

Thanks Suzi. Afters years of therapy and banging. My head against a wall for 20 years I finally forgot that show.
TILL NOW :@ ho well back to the funny farm (rofl)

[Suzi]

ROFL! *hangs head in shame* Sorry PF x

[purplefan]

It was a shocker. Seeing chegwins little tager swinging from side to side. (shudders) wonder what maggie saw in him?
Love is truly in the eye of the beholder.

Has to be the worst show ever! Apart from East Enders of course.

[Paula]

You mean eastenders isn't a documentary ? :o

[Suzi]

Hang on I missed that... Eastenders? But that's true and everything in it happens exactly as they say? Fly on the wall documentary I thought... All these years and now you are telling me it's not real...

[purplefan]

You women and your soaps.
I remember when Corry was good. when Alan went under the tram at Blackpool.
I remember when Emmerdale was called Emmerdale farm and was set in Beckensdale. Remember Annie sugdon and her husband was found in the potting shed first episode?
I remember the best soap EVER! Albion market.

[Paula]

Never watched any of them. I do not feel I've missed out ;)

[amaeru]

Me either Paula (nod)

[Pen]

I know a man who drinks brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime...

[purplefan]

Funny cause a set of jump leads walked into a bar and the barman said:" ill serve you, but don't start anything"

Then a sandwich walked in and the barman said"Sorry we don't serve food in here".

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/6b241c054f9b23b39068c4f8b35152d6_zpsc8d41037.jpg

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/964d66a81b3682900c2b7e5f9f986bc8_zpsd75fd62a.jpg

[Suzi]

Brilliant! lol

[Paula]

http://i1317.photobucket.com/albums/t636/Paula_ryland/imagejpg1_zpsd373f875.jpg (http://s1317.photobucket.com/user/Paula_ryland/media/imagejpg1_zpsd373f875.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/images_zps331845f4.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/images_zps331845f4.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/0914-funny-jokes-11_zpsccaeb74c.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/0914-funny-jokes-11_zpsccaeb74c.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

sorry, just realized the web site the joke was advertising was rude. oops (rofl)

[Pen]

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

[amaeru]

(rofl)

[purplefan]

Have you heard of the new movie "constipation"? That because it's not out yet.

[purplefan]

So in the news today: There is massive over crowding in jails in England and Wales.
The answer is simple.
Release all the innocent people.

[purplefan]

I'm going to write a book about dream interpretation.
The title is called: you eaten too much cheese".


I had an out of body experience last night.
When it happened. I was beside myself.

[knowlesy]

Saw this today, made me giggle; not exactly a joke but.......

https://www.google.com/url?q=http://metro.co.uk/2014/06/13/this-kids-buzz-lightyear-drawing-will-ruin-your-image-of-toy-story-forever-4760216/&sa=U&ei=_fCeU8O1PIyV0QXznYDACg&ved=0CAYQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNGvDXGfKmYSaRFzJBkeiVb432BVpA

[purplefan]

(rofl) good old buzz.

[amaeru]

(rofl) - do you think Buzz has been watching 'American Pie'? ;)

[purplefan]

I would like to wish everybody a happy new year!

Sorry, I do suffer from premature congratulations.

[purplefan]

I was dusting the attic with the wife last night.
Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs. Still, she is good with the kids. (rofl)

[purplefan]

I got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present. Just a stocking filler

[purplefan]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

[amaeru]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl)

[amaeru]

http://learn1.open.ac.uk/pluginfile.php/152085/mod_forumng/message/549481/10509683_731253933586865_8459512821424489902_n.jpg

[purplefan]

Subject: Senior Citizen trying to set his Windows password


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: “cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: “boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: “1 boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.


USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER: “Really(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)edOff50BloodyBo iledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNo w”


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[amaeru]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

How did you guess my password PF? ;);)

[purplefan]

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Paula]

(rofl) have you tried putting on mascara? No one can put it on with their mouth shut!

[purplefan]

Actually I have. But that story is for another day.

[amaeru]

(rofl)(rofl)

[purplefan]

My nose is so tiny and wee I sometimes think the pixies gave it to me.

[purplefan]

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&index=1&v=u53NmuX7I-I&list=UUqEobfdxKqbf7X-cUh9Ul0Q


This is not a joke but it made me smile. The dog is brilliant. Please watch.

[amaeru]

Laws

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatre or Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.


17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Paula]

(rofl)

[purplefan]

(rofl) just saw that.

The Brazilian goalkeepers wife phoned him to see what time he wold be coming home.
He said: "I'll be home before 8.

[purplefan]

Why don't you hear people getting only 5months to live?

[purplefan]

Funny Stupid Questions to Ask People
What happens when you get 'half scared to death' twice?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?
It it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it's a song?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it called success?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If work is so terrific, how come you get paid for it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?
Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons?
Why aren't blueberries blue?
Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it's white and covered with ice?
Stupid Questions to Ask Someone
Why is the word for "a fear of long words," hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, so long?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
What if Batman gets bitten by a vampire?
Did the Mayans get bored after reaching 2012 or is the predication for real?
Can we spell creativity however we want?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where are all the mentally handicapped parking spaces for people like me?
Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?
Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store properly thanked?
Why don't you ever see ads for advertising companies?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Stupid Questions to Ask Your Friends
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why do all the superheroes wear underpants on the outside?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
When something is funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

[amaeru]

(rofl)

[amaeru]

Dictionary Definition

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent language conference, held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[purplefan]

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.

Police were called to a nursery where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He is now fully recovered.

When I was a little lad I had a photographic memory, but I lost the ability to use it as later on it was never fully developed.

Did you here about the man who was a big mouth who was getting too big for his pants?
He was exposed in the end.

[amaeru]

The blonde flight attendant and the lawyer

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

---------------

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[amaeru]

Gentle thoughts for today


Birds of a feather flock together...
and then (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) on your car.


A penny saved is a
Government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have become really good friends.


The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement...


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.


The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.


Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some of the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

[amaeru]

A ride

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, ...yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/532a4a6fb1daf19f3f4cb3fce2121636_zpsff5a6cba.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/532a4a6fb1daf19f3f4cb3fce2121636_zpsff5a6cba.jpg.h tml)

[amaeru]

Children's logic

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom
good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the
lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she
got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes
my teeth cough..'


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom
scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was
troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I
get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a
restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he
whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife`and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to
the flea?'

Kids say the darnest things.....

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[Paula]

(rofl)(rofl)

[purplefan]

What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A roaming catholic.

I met a fantastic Dutch woman last week who wore inflatable shoes. But when I phoned her up on a date she had popped her clogs.

[purplefan]

A blond phones up for a pizza. The guy asks her if she would like it cut into 6 or 8 slices?
The blond replayed better make it 6 as I don't think I can manage 8.

[amaeru]

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/988877/thumbs/a-MODERN-LOL-CATT-640x468.jpg?6

http://www.vpfunworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/funny-fat-cat-photos-4.jpg

Yes I admit it - I've been looking at picture of cats on the internet again (blush);)

[purplefan]

(rofl) I'm going to steal that.

[purplefan]

Breaking news.

Plane crash investigators have discovered the Malaysian plane shot down in the Ukraine last week was carrying a lot
Of woman's rights activists.

They discovered fragments of a attention seeking missile.

[amaeru]

(rofl);)

[purplefan]

Comedienne and former psychiatric nurse Joe brand has claimed shows like the X factor and Britain got talent
Are exploiting people with mental health problems.

The viewers mainly.

[purplefan]

What's the difference between Brazil football team and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/imagejpg2_zpsccba561f.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/imagejpg2_zpsccba561f.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/imagejpg1_zps7aad798c.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/imagejpg1_zps7aad798c.jpg.html)

[amaeru]

(rofl)

[amaeru]

Intelligent Kids

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

[Amaya]

RIP Robin Williams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiCxqbT2Ru8

[Suzi]

RIP Robin Williams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiCxqbT2Ru8

Not sure what that was meant to be, but the video has been removed.

[amaeru]

Doctor

A man goes to the doctors. He said, "Doc, I can't stop buying raffle
tickets drawn from a hat." The doctor's eyes widened, "I'm sorry Mr
Jones we'll need to put you in an isolation unit straight away." "Why's
that doc?" stuttered the man. "I'm afraid you've got the British strain
of a highly contagious virus." Replied the doctor donning a mask. "What
is it doc?" gulped the man. "Tombola." said the doctor.

[amaeru]

The raise


Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.


Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided
to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?


Employee:
Great! It's a deal. Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[amaeru]

The importance of an occupation during retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such an one:



http://learn1.open.ac.uk/pluginfile.php/152085/mod_forumng/message/591250/retirement.jpg



THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' "

"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all !!!

[amaeru]

http://learn1.open.ac.uk/pluginfile.php/152085/mod_forumng/message/593003/Capture_01%2017-Aug-14%2018.40.jpg

[amaeru]

Home Schooled

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in ‎this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[purplefan]

I am thinking of selling my hoover. Well, it just collecting dust.

[rose]

HAHAHA Tim Vine fan ;)

[purplefan]

People laugh at Tim
Which is good; he is a comedian.

[purplefan]

A dealingwithdeprsssion administrator got a letter through the door with
"Do not bend" written on the envelope.
The spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. (giggle)

[amaeru]

(rofl)
Hope you've got a good hiding place PF ;)

[Suzi]

A dealingwithdeprsssion administrator got a letter through the door with
"Do not bend" written on the envelope.
The spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. (giggle)

Ahh that's easy, get the kids to wriggle along the floor like worms! You are cheeky sir! :)

[purplefan]

Amaeru went to the butchers to buy knowlesy his tea.
The but her said to her. "I'll bet you £10.00 if you can reach that bit of meat on the shelf"?
Amaeru replied "I'm not taking the bet" the butcher said "why not"?
Amaeru said "the steaks are too high " (giggle)

[Suzi]

lol!!!

[Tallbloke40]

I went to the shops yesterday and bought two litres of Tippex. Big mistake.

[amaeru]

(giggle)

[purplefan]

That made me laugh.
Why did the number six feel scared?
Because 7, 8,9

[purplefan]

Wacky Races - Dick Dastardly run over - compilati…: http://youtu.be/SUQg07Jf9XM

This will give you the giggles

[Tallbloke40]

What is red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket

What is blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise

[purplefan]

A lion was having a dump in the jungle when a little rabbit hops over and takes a dump also.
"Morning mr rabbit " said the lion. "Tell me, do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur"?
"No" replies the rabbit. "Good" said the loin who proced to pick up the rabbit and wipes his ares with him.

[purplefan]

What is yellow and swings from tree to tree?
Tarzepan (giggle)

[purplefan]

I challenge the people on the titanic to the ice bucket challenge

[amaeru]

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang bang, clippety-clop clippety-clop...?

An Amish drive by
;)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/post-7530-1408381046_zpshhfgimbs.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/post-7530-1408381046_zpshhfgimbs.jpg.html)

[Tallbloke40]

Two TV aerials attached to neighbouring roofs got married. The wedding service was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[purplefan]

Guy went to the doctors for a check up Doctor told him to stick his toung out the window.
Rather surprised at this he asked the doctor if the natural sunlight will help him see better?
No said the doctor. I just dont like the greengrocer across the road.

[Amaya]

Not sure what that was meant to be, but the video has been removed.

It was one of his standup routines..

[purplefan]

I wanted a kebab so I phoned up my local takeaway
I phoned up and said: do you deliver? He said NO MATE
We only do lamb or chicken.

[john d]

Apparently if you crush up a viagra tablet and rub it in your eyes it makes you look real hard!

[purplefan]

I got one stuck in my throat. Ended up with a stiff neck.

Ill get my coat.

[purplefan]

Why did half a chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side.

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he was stalled to the chicken.

[Amaya]

Great use of a textbook:
http://i.imgur.com/6dcAQDv.png

Another textbook (Physics), but this time it's the writers with a sense of humour:
http://i.imgur.com/FAQbdnQ.jpg

[Amaya]

Spot what's wrong with this advertising technique:
http://i.imgur.com/isR6N9E.jpg

[Suzi]

ROFL, My husband has alopecia and he was always told to use head and shoulders as it has added zinc and is really good to make hair and nails stronger ;)

[Noel]

I had to sell my hoover the other day , .... yeah it was just collecting dust .

[Noel]

The pope was visiting a small village , his cheaffer was driving him there along a country road . The pope asked the cheaffer if he could
have a go at driving as he had never driven a rolls royce before . So the pope gets behind the wheel and puts his foot down . All of a sudden
a police car stops them . As the policeman gets to the car his jaw hits the floor and he starts panicking and appoligises and lets them on their
way . So he radios through to the police station and tells the chief that someone Really Important is on their way in to town .
The chief asks " Is it the head of scotland yard ? " NO , " Is it the prime minister? " NO " Is it the Queen ?" No this person is much more
important , " Well Who Is It ?" . I Don't Know but the Pope is driving him ... ( sorry for spelling )

[john d]

I hear Spandau Ballet have a single out.is it "True"

[purplefan]

I fell down the stairs with my guitar today. I accidently wrote a one direction song.

[john d]

How do you know when a drummers knocking at your door?
The knock speeds up

[purplefan]

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians all day?
A drummer.

[purplefan]

The seven dwarfs are working in the mind when there is a huge cave in and they all get trapped.
Snow White runs down to the mine in a panic and is really worried.
She is crying and shaking, is anyone alive she is screaming. Can someone here me?
Just then, she hears a voice singing. Manchester United will win the league.
And with a relief she sighs. Thank God, dopey is still alive.

[purplefan]

A guy goes to the dentist, and the dentist said: "say ah".
The guy said "why"? And the dentist replied. "My dog has just died".

[purplefan]

I hear two easy jet plains have crashed.
Now easy jet have added a "crash experience" charge.

[purplefan]

How do you get 4 popes in a mini? Take their hats off.

No I don't get it either.

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/images-4_zpsg0pdutvw.jpeg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/images-4_zpsg0pdutvw.jpeg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/Untitled%20attachment%200006711413_zpshjrcy42m.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/Untitled%20attachment%200006711413_zpshjrcy42m.jpg .html)

[Noel]

How do you get 4 popes in a mini? Take their hats off.

No I don't get it either.

I think it refers to the tall hat the pope wears sometimes .:) lol .

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/image001_zps8fasqiyj.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image001_zps8fasqiyj.jpg.html)

The perfect marriage (rofl)

[magie06]

My 8 year old's favourite joke at the moment..

why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
because he had no Body to go with.

[purplefan]

My 8 year old's favourite joke at the moment..

why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
because he had no Body to go with. (rofl)

my chloe likes this one.
Why did half the chicken cross the road? To get to his other side.

[purplefan]

one for the men

If your dog is barking at the back door to get in, and your wife is shouting at the front door to get in. Witch one do you let in first?
The dog of course. He shuts up once he is in the house. (rofl)

Runs from thread.

[Suzi]

(rofl) That made me giggle!

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/1ff3_zpsagpnjiu3.jpg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/1ff3_zpsagpnjiu3.jpg.html)

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/Mobile%20Uploads/images_zpsecbs9xkw.jpeg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/Mobile%20Uploads/images_zpsecbs9xkw.jpeg.html)

[Suzi]

Yes, nearly always.. ;)

[purplefan]

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.

It's chloe's favourite joke. (rofl)

[Suzi]

OO she might like this one.

If you have a mummy vampire and a daddy snowman what would you call their baby?
Frostbite!

[purplefan]

Two women sitting quietly. (rofl)

[Suzi]

Skating on thin ice this morning there PF? (rofl)

[Aspasia]

As told to me by a student this morning:

What do you call a dinosaur crossed with a dictionary?
A Thesaurus.

[purplefan]

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
Do you think he sawr us.

I'll get my coat.

[Noel]

What do you get when you cross a dinasaur with one eye and a dog ?

A do ya think he saurus rex .. ;)

[purplefan]

A woman who could not stop stealing goes to the doctor for help.
The poor woman is frantic. "I've already stolen stuff from boots and poundstreachers, coming to my appointment, I can't stop".
Doctor sa8d: " don't worry take these tablets 3 times a day and come and see me next week".
The woman says. "Thank you doctor; what if they don't work"?
The doctor said: "can you pick me up a 52 inch TV then".

[purplefan]

http://i998.photobucket.com/albums/af109/ronmac95/images-16_zpsjl8tqdbi.jpeg (http://s998.photobucket.com/user/ronmac95/media/images-16_zpsjl8tqdbi.jpeg.html)

[Mira]

funny: She's My Wife

One of the guests turned to a man by his side to criticize the singing of the woman who was trying to entertain them.
"What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is ?"
"Yes", was the answer. "She's my wife"
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course, it isn't her voice, really. It's the stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful song ?"
"I did", was the answer.

[Paula]

(giggle)

[S deleted]

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

[purplefan]

The Leyton orient chairman was in tescos doing his shopping when he sees an old lady struggling to put her shopping into her car.
Being a gentleman he walks over and asked her: "can you manage love"?
"$@# off" she replied. "I don't want to manage that rotten club".

[The_Scientist]

Did you hear the one about the 3 holes filled with water? No? Well, well, well...

[new2015]

God the endless rhetorical questions, something im sure most people can relate to...

So youre at the pub:
You: ''Are you a psychologist?''
Stanger: ''Well now, why do you ask that question?''
You: ''Oh yep, you are''

[Tallbloke40]

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

[purplefan]

A woman goes to the doctors cause she can't stop stealing things.
The doctor says:" take these tablets for a month and come back when you finish"
The woman asks" but what happens if the tablets don't work"?
The doctor says" could you get me a 60 inch smart tv".

[S deleted]

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

[S deleted]

Some people are very much like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you shove them down the stairs.

[S deleted]

Finding a man worth dating is like using a public toilet. They are either, vacant, engaged or just full of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)

[S deleted]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

[S deleted]

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

[S deleted]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

[S deleted]

Two tigers in Asda. One turned to the other and says 'it's quiet in here'

[Suzi]

Lol...

[purplefan]

My bank has started sending me text messages to tell me what my balance is.
It's cool but I don't think they should be putting LOL at the end.

[The_Scientist]

an invisible man and invisible woman got married. their kids weren't much to look at

[The_Scientist]

how many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? ten tickles

[new2015]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

ahhahahahaaaaaaa I think you just made my day, thank you

[S deleted]

Sex - Isn't that what people from Kensington keep potatoes in?

[purplefan]

5 out of 4 people are bad at maths.

[purplefan]

What do the letters D. N. A stand for?
National dyslexic Association.

[purplefan]

Two Dwd mods were having chat on a thread one said to the other. "I see Christmas falls on a Friday this years"
The other mods replys. " well I hope it don't fall on the 13th. (rofl)

I shall leave it to you to work out witch ones. (call) .

[Suzi]

ROFL..... Skating on thin ice there..

[Paula]

It's not often you've all seen my angry face :@

[S deleted]

pmsl, that is a comedy genius moment PF.

[S deleted]

Two DWD mods sat on the floor. One fell off.

[Suzi]

ooo Whatcha saying about my balance? (rofl)

[Hugo-agogo]

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar......what a fine example of an integrated community (whew) (giggle)

[magie06]

Knock knock,
who's there?
Banana,
banana who,
knock knock,
who's there?
banana
banana who
Knock knock,
who's there?
Orange
orange who,
orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[Hugo-agogo]

"I decided to sell my hoover... well it was just collecting dust"
Tim Vine

[Hugo-agogo]

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers"

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76 so it's no distance"

"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... they're not laughing now"

Bob Monkhouse.

[S deleted]

I went to a binocular shop. They saw me coming.

[S deleted]

I love local jokes. They're right up my street.

[S deleted]

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their bum with an iPad.

[purplefan]

It's about all that an I pad is good for. (rofl)
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their bum with an iPad.

[purplefan]

A man goes to a doctor's and the doctor told the man to stick his tounge out the window.
"Why" replied the man. Will it make you see better"?.
"No" said the doctor. "I just don't like the greengrocer across the road".

[purplefan]

You know those joke candles that goes out and back on when you blow them?
Well the factory that makes them went up in flames.

[purplefan]

I was walking past a newsagents and noticed a bit of card in the windows that read.
For sale.
TV. £10 sound button broken.
I though; that's a good deal, I can't turn that down.

[purplefan]

Did you know that my sister used to be a dancer?
yes, she used to spin on her right leg and Pirouette on her left leg. Between the two she made a living.


Last night i got attacked by the grim reaper, So i picked up a hoover and hit him with it.
I was Dyson with death.


crime on multi story car parks. that's wrong on so many levels.

[S deleted]

A blind man walked into a bar....


....and a table, and a chair.

[purplefan]

A sandwich walked into a bar and the bar man said: "sorry we don't serve food in here"

[purplefan]

why did half the chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side.

[purplefan]

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a gorilla?
I don't know, but if he asks for a cracker give it to him.

[S deleted]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[S deleted]

Since having a neck brace fitted i've never looked back

[S deleted]

Im very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

[S deleted]

Hug your enemies. Then you'll know how big to dig the holes in the back yard.

[purplefan]

When I die, I want to go peacefully and quietly in in my sleep like my dad.
Not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

[Pen]

A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)

[Pen]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

[S deleted]

An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.

[S deleted]

A man shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"

[purplefan]

An Elephant walks into a bar, and walks over to the pianist and starts to cry.
The pianist asks" do you recognize the song" The Elephant replies "No, i recognize the ivory".

[S deleted]

A dyslexic guy walked into a bra....

[purplefan]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

[purplefan]

My gay dyslexic friend was really disappointed this year; he though February the 14 was Vaseline day.

[S deleted]

My mate bet me £50 I couldn't build a car out of pasta. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

[S deleted]

I went to the zoo the other day and only amimal there was a small dog. It was a shih-tzu

[purplefan]

I'm not one for buoyancy but whatever floats your boat.

[purplefan]

Last night i was cleaning the attic with the wife.
Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs. Still shes good with the kids. (rofl)

[purplefan]

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.(rofl)

[purplefan]

As a youngster my mother was always trying to encourage me.
She would say things like "son, if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything you want; the skies the limit"
I was really upset at this, as i wanted to be an astronaut.

[purplefan]

A man walks into a butchers and asks for a sirloin steak.
The Butcher says: "Ill bet you £50.00 you cant reach that bit of meat on the top shelf there".
The man replies: "Sorry, im not taking the bet".
"Why not" replies the butcher.
"The steaks are too high" replies the man.

Sorry, ill get my coat!

[purplefan]

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

[purplefan]

From real 911 calls in the U.S.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!(rofl)

What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

[purplefan]

I knocked on the door of a guy and he said;"i'd like to introduce you to my wife and sister"
There was only one woman standing there!.