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selena
18-05-15, 08:05 PM
Good evening to all!

How I wish to wake up one day, look in the mirror and realize there are no problems anymore, there are no depression moods, no failures, no physical illness...

I think everybody comes through this, but sometimes it seems tougher than ever.

Ok, I have PCOS, my things are getting better and my treatment finally works, but it's so slowly. Last year I had a sudden and positive change, but things are not getting fast. I am on the point of losing my faith and patience.

I am very close to 30 and I've got hysterical. Every time I think about how little time I still have in order to build a good relationship or open marriage ( I'm not dreaming of marriage, just about a good partner and friend) and have children ( at least one, while I consider two). But now my illness still doesn't allow this, I am still in not so good shape and not exactly able to bear children due to medical reasons. There are moments when I get crazy and just thinking about enough time to manage everything. And I could not start an affair with any man, he should be man in my taste and close friend. I am feeling miserable and start to think what my life will be without becoming mom and wife. There are "wiser" women who can live with men they don't really like and have children in order to get a hand of help in their older years, but I just could not do this.

Such a question is rising in my head:" What is the oldest age a woman can safely give birth to a child?"

I like planning and getting all things on time but this time I am not exact master of my wishes. On good side, I am not lost case and my medication is working. But not a day goes by without thinking what I would have achieved if there wan't this cursed illness on my way.



All these reasons make my depression a harder pillow to swallow.

Paula
18-05-15, 08:28 PM
(bear) I hope this gives you hope but my friend has pcos, was told she wouldn't have children and now has 2 boys. Hunni you have plenty of time to meet someone you could spend your life with and have a child with. But these things aren't able to be planned, they happen when the time is right. And tomorrow may be that day - you never know x

Suzi
18-05-15, 08:52 PM
My Mum was over 40 when she had my little brother.... There is still time hunni..

selena
19-05-15, 07:07 PM
Thank you for replies, it is really a great support to me.

Suzi
19-05-15, 08:21 PM
How are you doing today?

selena
19-05-15, 08:39 PM
A little better.

EJ
19-05-15, 08:57 PM
Hi Selena. I also have PCOS. I am now post menopause. When I was twenty seven I married my husband. We tried for eight and a half years to have children. I was unable to ovulate without help. My eggs were too small to be fertilised and not viable to conceive a child. If you don't ovulate then you will be unable to have a child naturally. At thirty six I had IVF a single cycle on the NHS. I am now the Mother of a seventeen year old. I have suffered with hyperstimulation because of the PCOS. I nearly died. It can be done but IVF/ICSI might be the only way to become pregnant naturally. Best of luck xx

Suzi
19-05-15, 09:00 PM
Glad you are feeling even a little better hun x

Hugo-agogo
21-05-15, 09:06 PM
I really identify with feeling like you're always in a race against time to reach a place where you can have all of the normal, good things in life. For me a wife, home, and a purposeful living. For a long time now I've felt that I've lost that race. Maybe feeling that way is part of the problem - always feeling it's just that one extra push away. But if it helps, my sister-in-law is 36 and having her first child.

S deleted
21-05-15, 09:49 PM
My mum was 41 when I was born.

selena
22-05-15, 09:20 AM
My mum was 41 when I was born.

Were you first child?

Thank you both for your answers.

Besides this race, there is always something to regret and to blame myself on not doing something important in the past.

Hugo-agogo
22-05-15, 11:54 AM
Often feelings of regret and blame, and that there's something we first need to do or atone for, weren't something we deserved, but were made to feel by other people who have shrugged off all responsibility.

I think we can always try to work through things to be happier people, but I guess my message would be that it is always an ongoing process, and that there is never necessarily a point where we have solved all our issues and arrived at some perfect place in life. So do have counselling and treatment for things that still affect you, but don't put your life on hold. There's nothing to wait for. Life is for living and opportunities may be there every day.

S deleted
22-05-15, 12:32 PM
Were you first child?

Thank you both for your answers.

Besides this race, there is always something to regret and to blame myself on not doing something important in the past.

No, I was my mum's 3rd child, but my fathers first. I have a friend who was told she would never have children and even if by some miracle did become pregnant wouldn't be able to carry a child to term. She now has healthy twin boys and she was mid 30s when she had them.

I have two beautiful young boys myself whom I love with all my heart but I still feel like a failure as I was unable to give birth naturally :( I guess we need to accept that life isn't always as perfect as we'd like it to be and roll with the blows but that is so much easier to say than to do

selena
31-05-15, 07:46 PM
Hello everybody!

It's passed some time since I wrote last messages here.

My condition is better, but I still suffer from lack of confidence, first of all in my forces.

I don't have new work and still not prepared to get into new job, it's not because of laziness, I am just not ready.

Summer has come but I don't have any desire to go out, because I am shy that I am far from being slender and get depressed when I see a lot of skinny semi-nude bodies, it's not about envy, it's about psychological and non-accepting my body. Besides, PCOS problems again.

On the good side, my back got skinnier, I've been bra fitted and my result is 42 C, still a lot of work to get back to my 36 B.

And I want so much to move for some time abroad, everything around gets me depressed.

Are you active on social links, such as facebook, instagram? I mean under your real name and photos. I'm not because I changed because of illness and people can hurt my feelings, but as I am too curious like many other women, sometimes I look at my ex classmates' photos. And after looking at them, I get depressed. No, there are just a few who achieved something professionally, the thing that hurts me is more simple -some got married and have children.

I still have some time but I am just dreaming of being healthy and have a good partner and children, not necessarily being married. How much time should I stilll wait for my recovery? Lol, but it's my eternal painful question.

I have probably Adult attachment disorder, I have feelings but can't disclose them, can't look straight in the eyes of others.

Probably I should change environment and go forward.

Suzi
31-05-15, 08:57 PM
I am on FB, as is DWD https://www.facebook.com/DealingWithDepression.UKforumpage
Sweetheart you are doing really well. I think that you are a lovely lady and it shouldn't matter about your size!

selena
31-05-15, 09:38 PM
Thank you for support.

The thing is that I used to wear 12 size, now I am around 18-20. Well sometimes papers and tv put an established model of beauty higher than others and it's a lot of pressure with all these standards.

Paula
31-05-15, 10:28 PM
Hunni, I was a size 10 years ago, and a size 12 when we got married, 3 months after having our daughter. I'm now a size 18, because of ill health and medication, yet my husband still loves me very much. He sees my body, but he sees me, not my dress size. And it's the same with my friends - they don't care what size I am. The right friends, the right partner Will love you for you, not whatever label you have in your clothes

Suzi
01-06-15, 11:34 AM
My husband has known me as anything between a size 16 and a size 30. He loves me the same too... My sister in law (who is stunning) has clothes from a size 10 to a size 16 and she says it's just because of the way different clothes are labelled. She once said to me that it's only a number on a label. If you don't like it then cut it out! She's right...

selena
07-06-15, 12:39 PM
Hello! Hope everybody enjoys nice Sunday!

I've thought all last week about my future.

I'm feeling guilty that I couldn't go to work by now, but my psychologist says it's still early, I should do more therapy, I know that's true but just blame myself. Anyway she considers I will get more recovered by autumn.

Have you ever experienced such moments of "hurry" when you try doing everything on time and you just can't cope to manage it?

Paula
07-06-15, 12:57 PM
Oh yes, I was the ultimate 'I can have it all' woman. I worked, had 2 small children, was studying and trying to get my business as a Holistic Therapist going! Everything had to be perfect, and I am a classic overachiever. Then I gave up the day job, and crashed big time. I haven't been able to work since - I tried volunteer work for a while but even that didn't work out.

I still try to do too much, and my expectations of myself are high but I am learning that, if I take things more easy, I'm more likely to get it done rather than give up in a hissy fit in the middle of whatever I'm doing.

Please don't blame yourself, or tell yourself you 'should' be doing this or that. If you take things at a rate you really can manage, you're far more likely to get where you want to be

Suzi
07-06-15, 07:38 PM
I was someone who had just passed my degree, got a job which I wanted, and had a baby and then my husband had his first breakdown and it all crumbled...

selena
17-06-15, 10:39 PM
I am very different in different days or even parts of the day.

Sometimes I get optimist, try to do anything, fight any obstacles and move forward. The next day I get back to earth and realize nothing that really matters changed and I'm getting down.

Mornings are the most difficult for me - I feel miserable, very unhappy.

Amaya
17-06-15, 10:57 PM
I also have a lot of changes throughout my day. I don't know about you but it makes it very difficult for me to be organised or plan anything, because what I think I can do at one moment, I cannot do in the next. So exasperating! Sorry this post is not helpful advice, just me saying I know how that feels!!

selena
20-06-15, 09:18 PM
Good evening!

Whay else could I add?

On the bad side, nothing major changed.

On the good side - I've got new natural period.

My doc said that's progress. but I am upset about things getting so slowly and I regret about all the lost years because of my illness. I put efforts. but weight loss is still slowly. After many years of disbalance is not a surprise, but I wish all health would come back to me again.

Samantha340
20-06-15, 09:36 PM
don't see those years as lost. No matter how hard and difficult those have been, they made you the person you are now. Be patient, you are on the right way.

Paula
20-06-15, 09:44 PM
I agree with Sam, my illnesses and trauma over the years have 'tempered' me with fire - I am who I am because of those, and I like who I am.

selena
20-06-15, 09:48 PM
Yes, it did me stronger indeed and more compassionate toward others. But knowing that this partially destroyed my life, makes me feel very sad.

Paula
20-06-15, 10:59 PM
I know, this was not in my plan .....

selena
20-06-15, 11:06 PM
The worst thing for me is developing agoraphobia when I can't pull myself out from my house, that could get worse and if that mood moves towards permanent depression one can forget about brushing hair, cleaning etc. And it becomes difficult to fight against it. But I try to do everything to get out from depression because that helps me to improve my condition.

Suzi
20-06-15, 11:12 PM
Disability wasn't in my plan either, but then neither was watching and caring for my husband through severe mental health issues. I wish that these things haven't happened, but in reality I wouldn't have the children I do or the home or the husband if things hadn't been as they are.... I wouldn't be so tolerant or understanding or forgiving...

selena
20-06-15, 11:36 PM
The most important thing I learned is that I ( and nobody else)should not feel guilty about my illness, now I can talk and think about it easier.

selena
21-06-15, 05:58 PM
Another annoying think that bothers me is posting on blogs.

Let's say, you have a blog or post to a particular site thread about your passion - let it be recipes, tourism guides, celebrities etc. You do some good work and after you face unreasonable criticism, arogant stuff or additional identical material from people always sure of knowing better than you. Of course, constructive criticism is good but web attacks from ill arrogant people or trolls could take this desire of sharing your experience.

In real life could be harder of course.

rose
21-06-15, 06:21 PM
Some people make it their life's work to upset people. They are very very sad people Selena and not worth worrying about.

selena
21-06-15, 06:23 PM
Right you are, just have to move forward and forget about it.

Suzi
21-06-15, 08:08 PM
There are people out there who just don't seem to be able to be nice at all! (panda)

selena
01-07-15, 10:27 PM
Summer is the hardest time for me because I'm ashamed of my far from slender body ( and all because of this hormonal disorder!).

I found on FB group of women suffering from PCOS, unfortunately my case is one of the most difficult, but still I'm not single in struggling it.

I feel most miserable in the mornings when I do realize that in fact nothing has gradually changed.

I'm afraid I'm on the way of developing agoraphobia. I'm afraid to get out and find new work as I fear I'm going meet some of my ex-colleagues or neighbours that remember me looking differently. I'm afraid of their comments, personal indelicate questions, just can't cope with it now.

Paula
01-07-15, 10:44 PM
I understand that. There's a 25th school anniversary event happening that I've been invited to. I'm not going because in not who I used to be and my life has not turned out how everyone expected. It's silly really, because I like my life, but I want them to remember me how I was.

Look up Simply Bekini - none of us have perfect bodies, but they do an amazing job every single day in keeping us going, in processing everything we do to it, in getting us to jobs, or out with friends, or just cleaning the house! Enjoy your body, you're not getting another one :)

selena
01-07-15, 10:51 PM
Yes, but that's really difficult.

Suzi
02-07-15, 09:34 AM
Oh yes, it's really really hard, but it is something to work on...

Paula
02-07-15, 09:37 AM
Yes, but that's really difficult.

Yep .....

selena
10-07-15, 07:29 PM
Another end of the week and another frustration for me.

I'm at the same point of deception, but I do have a hurtful question: do you think you can't start something new, like career or anything else, after turning 30 years old or for example could it be too late to start something new in a different place ( like moving to US, for example)?

I've worked hard but unfortunately didn't realize all my personal and professional plans in previous years because of my physical illness and other particular incidents.

Now I'm getting better but this question strucks my head again and again. And I'm feeling trapped in my place and desperately need some changes.

Paula
10-07-15, 07:47 PM
30?? Hunni that's no age - of course you can start something new! You can change things at any stage in your life if you want to.

rose
10-07-15, 07:57 PM
I think, no matter what age a person is, if they really want to do something, they will do it.

Justin Tolerable
10-07-15, 08:46 PM
I could just start and affair with a young man. But otherwise I share the same feelings of hopelessness, despair and loneliness. In fact I am going to leave this forum tonight for various reasons to find a new outlet where the admin won't care about what I say. This is unfortunate.

Samantha340
10-07-15, 10:07 PM
You can change your life no matter how old. Why staying in a unhappy routine if you could be happy.

Mrs-Darling
10-07-15, 10:28 PM
I could just start and affair with a young man. But otherwise I share the same feelings of hopelessness, despair and loneliness. In fact I am going to leave this forum tonight for various reasons to find a new outlet where the admin won't care about what I say. This is unfortunate.

Why do you feel you should leave Justin? It'd be a shame if you did.

selena
10-07-15, 10:29 PM
Thank you all for kind words, hope everyone could move from such depressive moods.

Justin Tolerable
10-07-15, 10:56 PM
Why do you feel you should leave Justin? It'd be a shame if you did.

No one has ever missed me or noticed my absence since about 1994. I think I should leave because I frequently submit inappropriate posts to serious threads - mostly because I don't read the OP and don't know it is very serious.

Suzi
11-07-15, 10:14 AM
Selena - when I was at Uni doing my Teacher Training degree there was a lady on the same course who was 47 at the time of starting - it was a 4 year course, but she had just wanted to do it all her life, but hadn't managed to. She was amazing!
Of course you can do what you want to do, age is nothing but a number!

Mrs-Darling
11-07-15, 01:09 PM
No one has ever missed me or noticed my absence since about 1994. I think I should leave because I frequently submit inappropriate posts to serious threads - mostly because I don't read the OP and don't know it is very serious.

I find that hard to believe! I rather like your presence here.

selena
18-07-15, 02:56 PM
Yesterday came across an article in DM about a woman with a rare physical condition, she found a job, got married and became mother. It's great that she had support and strength to overcome many things, her story inspired me.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3165499/Toddler-twice-size-mother-woman-walk-stand-brittle-bone-disease-miracle-child-surrogate.html

Paula
18-07-15, 03:26 PM
Wow!!

Suzi
18-07-15, 06:26 PM
Such a lovely story.

selena
23-07-15, 10:03 PM
Now I'm struggling to get out from home, I feel so confused but I know by autumn I should definitely do the first step.

My doc said my analysis are neither too bad nor too good and hormone balance is very imprevisible, I should just calm down.

And also there are very important decisions to make about my future.

Suzi
24-07-15, 10:22 AM
Sweetheart what kind of important decisions?

selena
24-07-15, 11:48 AM
About working and moving to other place, I feel trapped. But I simply can't accept reality - I mean physical illness and very slow progress. Maybe travelling could help a little, I don't know.

Suzi
24-07-15, 04:56 PM
Trapped in what way lovely?

selena
24-07-15, 05:14 PM
That's all about psychological matter, the people who have known me since my younger years can't help hidding the astonishment on their faces while meeting me now.Because I have changed and not in the best way, it's all because pcos. I feel rather free with new acquaintances, they at least didn't know me when I was in a better shape.

So I feel trapped inside pcos and the same infinite circle.

I need to move on, just don't know how to do it. Theoretically is simple, but certainly not in practice.

Suzi
24-07-15, 05:18 PM
Is it "just" your weight issues or are there other symptoms you have?

selena
24-07-15, 05:23 PM
The other unpleasant symptoms have been also bothering me, but nobody can guess it.

All my depressive moods are connected to my weight issues and how different I used to be in the past.

However there are other issues, family issues, that really have an impact on me.

Suzi
24-07-15, 06:54 PM
Sweetheart why does your weight bother you so much?
Is there any area of your life where you are happy?

selena
24-07-15, 07:00 PM
Because I can't fix it myself regardless any efforts and because of standards of beauty imposed on tv and other media. I've lost some weight since last year but I wish I had lost more.

Yes, I feel a kind of happiness in process of working, travelling, hobbies, I don't really know, but these moments vanish soon.

Suzi
24-07-15, 07:20 PM
Lovely, I assume you've spoken to your dr? What about diet and exercise?

selena
24-07-15, 07:33 PM
Yes, a little.

I'm on low-carb diet and exercising or going for a walk.

Suzi
24-07-15, 07:35 PM
I think you can change things so you are happier and I wonder if you are happier whether you'll find it easier to lose weight? Does that make sense?

selena
24-07-15, 08:06 PM
Yes, I'll try to take these changes with more ease.

Suzi
24-07-15, 08:07 PM
It's not easy, nothing worthwhile is... but you can do it.

Mrs-Darling
24-07-15, 08:14 PM
Are you having any kind of talking therapy? It sounds like you could do with some help with your self esteem. I totally understand the feelings surrounding weight issues. I've put on about 3 stone since I turned 40 (I'm 48 now) and have fluctuated between losing rapidly on stupid diets and regaining twice as quickly plus adding more on. I hung out with a really fashionable set in London in my 30s and was very slim but I had a much more energetic job and very active social life. I'm virtually a recluse now, rarely seeing anyone other than my close friend. I'm on a waiting list for therapy, it's about 3 months away and I'm impatient to start it but my psychiatrist thinks I'm too unwell to start it now so I have to be patient!

If you don't have access to therapy, there are lots of self-help materials available online for self esteem and empowerment designed specifically for women. Although it does seem that you may need something that centres around your condition. You said that you'd joined a Facebook group for PCOS, have you thought about outside of Facebook where you don't have to use your real name? I'm sure you'd benefit from talking to other women with your condition.

selena
24-07-15, 08:25 PM
Not exactly, I've had a few sessions with psychologist, but that's not so often as it required in my condition. I am also a kind of recluse, and it's not because others avoiding me, it's because of me avoiding others who can hurt my feelings not knowing details of my current condition.

I've thought, offline meeting with other women experiencing the same difficulties would be a great benefit for me, but such a suggestion hasn't been made so far.

Suzi
24-07-15, 08:37 PM
Aw sweetheart, have you found any support groups near you?

selena
24-07-15, 08:49 PM
No, unfortunately, no near support groups. Forums also do help a lot.

The most annoying is that I'm fed up of explaining to others symptoms of pcos. I know I should neglect this, but sometimes it's getting on my nerves.

Mrs-Darling
24-07-15, 08:53 PM
http://www.soulcysters.net - here's a forum that looks pretty active.

Mrs-Darling
24-07-15, 08:56 PM
http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/about_us/about_verity And this one is a charity with members only area which organises events and seminars.

selena
24-07-15, 09:08 PM
Thanks, I know the first one, it's good.

The second is new for me, I'll have a look.

selena
26-07-15, 07:35 PM
Good news here, my periods have become naturally shorter, my doc considers it a progress. But breast pain before periods is so unpleasant, it starts about a week before, probably hormonal fluctuations. I hate these issues, besides always have to search my bra size that's so difficult to find - 42 B. Sometimes I find 42 C that fits me during periods time, basically I could buy cheaper bras with smaller band size and bigger bust size, but I could barely breathe in them.

Samantha340
26-07-15, 07:53 PM
Have you looked online? Normally you can find everything at Amazon.

selena
26-07-15, 07:57 PM
I haven't looked at Amazon, tried at other sites, but they are rather expensive.

Samantha340
26-07-15, 08:16 PM
expensive yes, but i think its worth it.

Suzi
26-07-15, 10:36 PM
amazon, ebay, Marks and Spencer here are brilliant as are Debenhams and BHS..

selena
02-08-15, 10:11 PM
I don't know, maybe it's my lack of courage, but I'm so tired of my psychological battle about accepting my PCOS condition. Sometimes I think I've done everything that I could do about it, everything else is in God's hands, I just can't continue blaming myself, medication and surgery could change something, but not everything.

Suzi
02-08-15, 10:38 PM
Why can't you accept this diagnosis?

selena
02-08-15, 10:44 PM
It's because I want to be like the majority of people, but every time remember of certain restrictions related to my illness. Mentally speaking, I've got it, but not by my soul.

Suzi
03-08-15, 10:20 AM
Hunni, trust me. The sooner you accept it, and work with it the easier it will be. I know how hard it can be, but sweetheart it is an important step...

selena
03-08-15, 02:26 PM
Yes, I really want to accept this.

But I think I'm going insane with all these sudden fluctuations: headaches, fast growing of facial hair ( on my right side of chin) and plucking it again and again, and now sensation of lump in the throat and back of tongue, i'm really afraid of having a thyroid nodule or something worse. My doc says I still have nothing to worry, it's just result of hormonal fluctuations as things have been positive, but I don't get the cause of this turn.

I've also started to think that my mother deserved a better daughter, me being too self-centered and when we're together the only thing to discuss is my illness. I'm her only daughter and in a bad health, now I think that people should better have at least two children, in case one is ill or something the other could succeed, just such a failure mood.

Suzi
03-08-15, 03:53 PM
You aren't a failure and I don't think your Mother would ever say or think that at all about you. I am sure that you are perfect to her whether you have illness or not.
Sweetheart you need to listen to your GP, it sounds like you are worrying yourself silly over something that may never happen!

selena
03-08-15, 04:01 PM
You're right, it's not her feeling, it's just mine.

Suzi
03-08-15, 04:05 PM
Maybe you should tell her that's how you are feeling?

selena
03-08-15, 04:19 PM
I told her, she is not upset and even proud of my achievements, but she is sad because of everything that happened to me.

magie06
03-08-15, 04:36 PM
Can you do the three positives for every day? I keep a diary and I try to include 3 positives about me, although some times its difficult.
Sometimes my positives may be that I showered, I took my medication, and I didn't stay up too late!
Other days if I had done housework, gone for a swim or did something with Aisling, then the positives are easy to write.
It is quite difficult to do on some days but it is so worthwhile, and on very difficult days, you can look back on your previous days and say things are not as bad as I thought.

selena
03-08-15, 04:49 PM
magie06, thank you for suggestion, I think I'll try doing this way.

When I was on a short trip abroad, I kept diary and it helped.

magie06
03-08-15, 04:55 PM
Diarys are great.

selena
15-08-15, 04:24 PM
Due to say I've barely left my house this summer.

By autumn, I'll get better. I don't know what to say, the things improved but my expectations had been higher, I've hoped for full recovery.

Trying to read something new about people, most young and teens, who had been struck hard by a serious illness just like me or worse.

My life is not the same as it was supposed to be.

I don't feel like I'm able to do office work now, just freelance and I want to change my place, maybe for a period.

magie06
15-08-15, 04:28 PM
Nothing wrong with freelance. Always needed somewhere. Do you think you are able for work?

selena
15-08-15, 05:07 PM
Nothing wrong with freelance. Always needed somewhere. Do you think you are able for work?

I'm inclined to say yes, but I'm getting nervous when some clients try to argue about financial side of business in their favour.

I finished my last work in April.

Paula
15-08-15, 06:29 PM
Due to say I've barely left my house this summer.

By autumn, I'll get better. I don't know what to say, the things improved but my expectations had been higher, I've hoped for full recovery.

Trying to read something new about people, most young and teens, who had been struck hard by a serious illness just like me or worse.

My life is not the same as it was supposed to be.

I don't feel like I'm able to do office work now, just freelance and I want to change my place, maybe for a period.

My life was turned on its head 2 1/2 years ago, and it took a while to come to turns with it. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm adjusting and so is my family. It hurts when your life is not what it was supposed to be, I completely empathise

selena
15-08-15, 08:00 PM
Thank you all.

I'm just on the point of getting into hysterics, i've heard my mum saying that she's afraid I could have cancer or another kind of tumour. I have PCOS for many years and last year there was some progress, but recently I've coped with some bad health moments. I'm aware she's afraid because she's my mother and I'm her only child, but that's insupportable, especially when she starts in a way blaming herself, although she knows it has nothing to do with her.

I'm afraid, on this point I googled " euthanasia" issue, because I'm already fed up with an illness and I don't want any additional physical sufferings.

I wish to move in another country, because other causes and even this panic affect my mental health a lot.

On other side, I want to move on and before getting to sleep I have only positive images of my future, or is it also a bad sign?

I'm really confused.

magie06
15-08-15, 10:56 PM
Try writing everything down. You could put pros on one side and cons on the other. It would take all the words out of your head, and leave them aside until morning.

Suzi
18-08-15, 01:22 PM
Mother's blame themselves for everything. It doesn't matter if it could be down to them or not. Trust me. Mother's guilt is horrific!
Have you spoken to her about all this?

selena
18-08-15, 02:21 PM
Mother's blame themselves for everything. It doesn't matter if it could be down to them or not. Trust me. Mother's guilt is horrific!
Have you spoken to her about all this?

Yes, I did. She has said she realizes it's not exactly her fault, but after a liitle time the same begins again.

selena
19-08-15, 05:02 PM
It's the end of summer and I am confused. I know I should push myself to a change, find a job and move on. But my anxiety continues to getting me down, just like " What's the point of it, if nothing radically changes?"

selena
22-08-15, 06:34 PM
And I am saddened by the fact that my work hasn't been paid yet, at least I didn't give all piece of translation, I was paid just for the first 25 pages. It was literary translation and the woman ( apparently author) seemed to me strange, and I should have thought better before taking it. But I enjoy this kind of work and wanted to put it on my cv, unfortunately no news since May...

She apologized saying that their company is out of money now.

I really enjoyed translating her piece of work and building a new universe in a different language, I even noticed some historical mistakes and rewrote text in the right variant.
It's historical love romance with mystery elements and happy end. Whilst I don't agree with everything in the story, the heroine becomes close to me, although it may sound strange.

Suzi
22-08-15, 07:12 PM
That isn't good of that company, but maybe you could still put it on your CV?

selena
22-08-15, 07:35 PM
That isn't good of that company, but maybe you could still put it on your CV?

I could put it on my CV, but the potential clients could have access only to first pages and I am supposed to ask for agreement.

Suzi
22-08-15, 08:07 PM
Could you ask for that agreement?

selena
22-08-15, 08:09 PM
Could you ask for that agreement?

Yes, but I doubt I will receive permission, maybe some pages. But you are right, it's better to ask anyway.

Suzi
22-08-15, 08:14 PM
Always an idea...

selena
25-08-15, 10:47 PM
Sometimes the black thoughts occur to my mind, but I try to move them out...

Apparently nothing new, but once again my pcos symptoms have got milder and my doc can see progress. She insists that I should be more patient.

It's strange but after severe symptoms have gone away, I've begun thinking about how wonderful it will be if I ever become mother, especially of a daughter...

Paula
25-08-15, 10:51 PM
I don't think that's strange, lovely. I have friends with PCOS who have kids, and my cousin had endometriosis so severe she was told there was no way shed ever conceive - her daughter is now 14 years old

Suzi
26-08-15, 10:01 AM
Certainly not strange lovely..

selena
01-09-15, 01:27 PM
Now I'm starting to find a job and move on, and it's not easy.

I try to forget about my last work and it's stupid but I'm still feeling connected to the heroine of the romance I translated.

And maggie's advice was really helpful, I try to write 3 positives every day.

Paula
01-09-15, 02:21 PM
What's the new job?

selena
01-09-15, 05:46 PM
What's the new job?

I hope to begin with something easier because of my health problems.

That's call centre or part-time translation job.

selena
02-09-15, 10:55 AM
Yesterday I had another breakdown and got into hysterics. What was the cause? I saw my old photos when I was healthy and started thinking of how I am horrible now. Of course it's only put me down and I was on the edge, wanting just to cry and vanish. I still can't feel calm while looking in the mirror. The other day I stopped and asked my mother to hide these photos, because they're a trigger for me and I'm trying to move on.

Another bad news was about the death of an ex-neighbour who was really a kind woman of good heart, I'm so sorry for her...

Paula
02-09-15, 11:16 AM
I understand that about photos, but you're not horrible now. Because you're a beautiful person and that will shine through

Suzi
02-09-15, 10:54 PM
You aren't horrible at all lovely lady x

selena
08-09-15, 02:54 PM
I've had panic attack and experienced a bad anxiety mood. When I'm facing these moods, I'm feeling desperate and just want to vanish from this earth.

I'm trying to find job, but here is difficult to find free-lance job, so it's basically the office option or nearly. I'm feeling awfully because I don't want to live on my family' s money ( like the last three months).

I hate everything around me ( not exactly about people, just this atmosphere around). It's so difficult, I want to move on but before taking this step I should earn some more money.

Another thing - it's probably stupid what I'm gonna say, I know I have PCOS and I'm overweight. My things have however got better, and probably because I'm alone I just want to make some friendships. I know I'll be laughed by these men, but want to try.

Ok, but what normal man would want a rather young woman with 38 inches waist?

I could hide some embarassing moments, but he will see it. Apparently people say that my face is pretty and I have nice eyes. And my legs are rather normal. I could register on dating site, ok I'm ready for being rejected, but if not he will anyway see what I am and? Or should I wait before I lose more weight? But I've been exercising this year and being on a diet, and my doc says that the process of slimming is slowly and could take an unknown period of time because of hormonal level and thyroid. What would you advise me to do in this case?

I'm registered on some pcos online groups and I've come across a photo of a woman who is young and extremely overweight in comparison with me and, my God, she dates a man, and not bad-looking. My first thought was:' he is probably insane or wants something from her'. Ok, but maybe I also have a chance. My God, what to do?

I apologise for writing a lot of my interior disaster, but I cannot hide this into me anymore.

rose
08-09-15, 03:35 PM
Re the job, why not explore full-time office jobs and ask at interview about the possibility of working at home sometimes? That might give you more of a feeling of being freelance. Full-time should offer benefits such as sick leave, pension etc which is actually better in the long-run.

Re relationships, why not get on a dating site. If you fear rejection, let the boys come to you. Or you could look for a speed dating night, perhaps a friend would go with you? I am sure you are not as overweight as you think you are, and there are guys out there who care for more than just a woman's weight. Do some simple things to make yourself good; perhaps get a hair cut, do your nails, look about online for some new clothes (some websites are very cheap). I am overweight but I was shocked when I got chatted up at a party a couple of weeks ago, I think perhaps the issues with my weight are more my own perception that other people's.

selena
08-09-15, 05:09 PM
Thank you rose for your kind words and encouragement.

Many employers don't like to offer part-time job to people who do not have children, but I will try.

Paula
08-09-15, 05:19 PM
Rose is right. And wrt part time jobs, employers are looking for someone who can do the job, whether they have children or not is irrelevant

And, both of you, yes I suspect your perceptions about your weight are just that - yours, not other people's. I'm overweight but only yesterday got told I'm glamorous by a woman who was assessing me for a voluntary job.

selena
08-09-15, 05:59 PM
Thank you, whilst being out of job for a while gives idea that I'm useless, depressed creature without any normal skills and strong will. And it's so hard to go forward.

rose
08-09-15, 06:02 PM
What about full-time, but able to work at home say 1 or 2 days a week?

selena
08-09-15, 06:07 PM
I will see more offers by the next week.

But I consider this, thank you for suggestion, rose.

Suzi
08-09-15, 07:16 PM
Selena, my husband has known me at my biggest and at my smallest and he's always been there and loved me - no matter what my size. The right person won't care...

selena
08-09-15, 09:50 PM
Selena, my husband has known me at my biggest and at my smallest and he's always been there and loved me - no matter what my size. The right person won't care...

Thank you for opinion, that anyway seems true. But have you been slim when you met your husband?

mitz
08-09-15, 09:56 PM
you are lucky Paula for having found the right person. Others are not so lucky ; ( I'm having a nightmare online dating atm, its really disheartening, depressing, and I can't bear it anymore. I've wasted my whole life on non-starter men, and now I am more emotionally ready (I think) , men don't want to know women over 40, or don't want to know me! I'm so fed up of being the one without a family to share and do things with. it's too depressing. Selena you are much younger than me, it will be much easier for you - don't waste anymore time. Weight isn't the issue either, like Paula said. It's about how you feel and how ready you feel for intimacy, a relationship etc.

mitz
08-09-15, 09:57 PM
and maybe luck as well!?

mitz
08-09-15, 10:19 PM
sorry to but in your thread, it feels like its too late for me, and its all my fault. : (

Suzi
09-09-15, 08:07 AM
It's never too late.

selena
09-09-15, 07:13 PM
Mitz, it's like Suzi said ' never too late' for marriage and maybe for children. Thank you for encouragement and you're welcome to post about your feelings here.

Jaquaia
09-09-15, 07:47 PM
Oh honey (bear)

I have PCOS too, I've tried for years to lose weight and saw so little results that I gave up. I hate myself and how I look. I have hair growing where I don't want it to grow, periods once every blue moon, androgenic alopecia due to it and I need to lose half my body weight. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I'm disgusted by what I see. All we can do is stick with the treatment and work hard as there is hope out there for us

selena
09-09-15, 08:22 PM
Oh honey (bear)

I have PCOS too, I've tried for years to lose weight and saw so little results that I gave up. I hate myself and how I look. I have hair growing where I don't want it to grow, periods once every blue moon, androgenic alopecia due to it and I need to lose half my body weight. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I'm disgusted by what I see. All we can do is stick with the treatment and work hard as there is hope out there for us

Thank you for your words. When I've read about your PCOS experience, I was nearly crying, because many people judge PCOS women without even knowing anything about their struggle.

My father who I met again after many years and who did nothing for me commented on my issues like it was a joke, and not illness.

And I also can't look in the mirror without getting anxious. Maybe I exaggerate, but there is still a great problem. Anyway I hope to find the right man who will be caring and understand my issues.

Paula
10-09-15, 09:13 AM
you are lucky Paula for having found the right person. Others are not so lucky ; (

Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on

selena
10-09-15, 02:13 PM
Yesterday I went out after 3 months hidding in house. I know that's crazy but due to my issues I cannot have made this step for a long time. I've been anxious and excited, my emotions are over my forces.

Today I've gone to the recruitment agency, tomorrow I'll discuss with some employeers. But my God, because of my issues I make effort to look into people's eyes and can't communicate properly face-to-face. Everything is easier to express in written form, and I've lost this live communication with people. I'm too afaraid, shy and anxious and this could be a barrier. I remember one of my employeers asked me why I never look straight in eyes, with this step I break any contact with others.

I'm nervous. However I'm prepared for being gotten down, the most important is that I've begun searching.

Because of my mood swings I'm facing health troubles:nodule in throat, nausea, toothache, headache, my hands get wet and I constantly move my fingers until it hurts. I'm obsessed with some thoughts, like that I'm awful, useless, fat and should have plastic surgery, panick attack is something usual.

The struggle is not easy, but I want to give it a try.

And to register on a dating site, but I won't run after guys.

selena
10-09-15, 02:18 PM
On the good note, I'm happy that I have a little clawed and plush friend, that I adopted some years ago.

http://s844.photobucket.com/user/emeraldlady/media/%20015_zps9nyaonbj.jpg.html?o=0

mitz
10-09-15, 07:42 PM
your cat is beautiful: well done for you going out and facing the job agencies, that's not easy at all.
hopefully the more you go out the easier it will get. All the horrible thoughts aren't true.

rose
10-09-15, 07:49 PM
It's really amazing that you went out and did all that! Well done!!!!

mitz
10-09-15, 07:54 PM
Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on

I wasn't suggesting you don't/havent struggled Paula!

Suzi
10-09-15, 08:54 PM
Well done Selena!

selena
11-09-15, 05:22 PM
So, this day was full of impressions and strong emotions ....and I've got the job.

Prior to the job interview I've been so anxious that I barely slept the night before.

I was a little late and first got to the wrong building. But I overcame my shyness and was able to answer employeer's questions. She offered me a full-time vacant job, saying that part-time employeers won't be offered all the necessary social package. I told about my previous job story, affiliated experience and asked about some working moments. The first week will be like a special training, and after having worked successfully for around a month I would have my contract definitely signed.

My exact job is office manager and translator, working 5 days from 9 am to 5 pm, and a short work day on Saturday. She appreciated my knowledge of languages and said that it would be anyway a good experience for me. Thus I could pass in a year special exam to become certified court interpreter.

She seemed easy-going, but I do have my fears, I just couldn't refuse this offer, I've thought I could give it a try, although it will be difficult. I told her that manager part could distract me from basic job of translator, she says she understands the issue. In the process of working I will learn how to communicate with clients and work with specific office equipment.

When I handed her a copy of my ID ( dating from 2012), she asked me: " Is that you? You used to be overweight, you seem to have lost a lot of it". She is overweight too and when she said this, I was really astonished, because I consider myself fat and useless.

The director signed document stating my period of trial.

I still can't believe it, but I've got the job, I still have fears and want to hide in house. I'm afraid that I'll be considered useless and get exausted.

She said she prefers workers on long-term basis. I did not say about my plans of moving in another country, because now it's irrelevant and I should gain more.

I've had a long walk on my way home along the park. I'm again out after staying home for three months.

Meanwhile I want to register on a dating site, just to get friendly discussions at the beginning.

rose
11-09-15, 05:53 PM
This has got to be the post of the week Selena.
You got the job, you were complimented on how much weight you have lost (a really big deal for you), and you are facing fears about working. You were offered the job on the spot which is fantastic!
I think getting that court interpreter certification would be great too, that's a nice bonus!

I am encouraged to hear about your fears. I hope you don't mind me saying that, but I too am really fearful about starting work again. Nerves are natural, but this goes beyond nerves. That nagging voice that says you won't be good enough. I suppose the only way to fight the demons is to face them head-on. Good for you! :)

Jaquaia
11-09-15, 06:00 PM
Well done Selena, that's awesome!

Paula
11-09-15, 06:53 PM
Selene, you are a star! That's fantastic news - well done (happy)

mitz
11-09-15, 07:47 PM
congratulations on the job selena, that's fantastic! I wish you lots of luck.

Suzi
11-09-15, 08:33 PM
I'm so pleased for you! Hoorah!! Well done!!!

selena
13-09-15, 12:31 PM
Today I've been to church, the last time was around three months ago. It was fine. But in the street I've felt anxiety and nearly panic attack. It's probably because I haven't been out for a while and it's also related to other issues.

Sometimes I think that I've become a little wild and insecure. I really don't know how I will cope with the upcoming work. But the next week is like an introductive training and maybe I'll learn more and in process of working will forget a little sensitive issues. I would definitely should give it a try.

Suzi
13-09-15, 04:18 PM
You'll be fine hunni... Well done for going out to Church. The more you can practise going out and about the better...

selena
13-09-15, 05:24 PM
Thank you.

And I should also have to keep a good elementary style ( in everything, not just physical issues). Should put efforts while looking at myself in the mirror. I think it's better this way than staying home days and nights, and going to bed very late.

Suzi
13-09-15, 07:20 PM
I completely agree!

selena
14-09-15, 06:45 PM
Today has been my first work day, or better saying first training say. I didn't expect it but new experience appears to me interesting. I've learned some technical things and related to translation of official documents, that is about Hague Apostille Covention, management politics etc.

The director encouraged me and wants me to become office-manager. I think I should learn more anyway and after my first day I'm extremely tired!

I wanted to do just translator's work but this double experience will be helpful.

What I like about this work:
- I will communicate and help people. But won't be surrounded by a lot of them. Just communicating with potential clients in office and over phone;
- New experience and new chances;
- I hope in process of working I will 'forget' about my other depression issues.

From other side I should be patient and learn. I've experienced anxiety states being out and feeling useless. It's difficult to get used to new way of life, whilst the last months I've lived very dark days, barely getting out from bed.

rose
14-09-15, 06:47 PM
This is wonderful. You should expect to be ridiculously tired for at least two weeks! It sounds like this is going to be a great job for you, congratulations.

Paula
14-09-15, 06:54 PM
That's fantastic news, Hunni :)

Suzi
14-09-15, 07:15 PM
I'm so pleased for you!! Make sure you get some rest!

selena
15-09-15, 05:18 PM
Today I feel a little better and not so exhausted.

But the director seems to be a little unreliable and capricious person. I told her that I'm translator and that's my job. However she wants me to be office manager. Ok, I'll try it.

I know I'm anxious and depressive but I can't stand when someone infiltrates in my personal space. Today she has told me that she wants me with dyed hair and Armani brand bag. That's ridiculous, and I'm afraid that it won't last. Well then she told me she doesn't want this immediately, just step by step.

She doesn't have exactly bad reputation, instead quite instable. Maybe I should try, I'm confused.

Paula
15-09-15, 05:22 PM
Tell her back that you'll get the hair dyed and the Armani bag when you're on a 6 figure salary!

rose
15-09-15, 05:45 PM
Today she has told me that she wants me with dyed hair and Armani brand bag. .

That's a strange comment. Did she mean to say that you are worth more than you think you are? Or was she criticising? Its difficult to know without hearing the way it was said.
Remember I worked at that office with the 'posh' people, the ladies and gents in their perfect suits, the ladies spending ages in front of the mirror in the bathroom doing their makeup.... it was very difficult for me to get used to being in that environment. I felt very left out. I suppose over time I would probably have adjusted how I looked to fit in more with the others. But maybe not with an Armani bag!!!!

selena
15-09-15, 06:16 PM
That's a strange comment. Did she mean to say that you are worth more than you think you are? Or was she criticising? Its difficult to know without hearing the way it was said.
Remember I worked at that office with the 'posh' people, the ladies and gents in their perfect suits, the ladies spending ages in front of the mirror in the bathroom doing their makeup.... it was very difficult for me to get used to being in that environment. I felt very left out. I suppose over time I would probably have adjusted how I looked to fit in more with the others. But maybe not with an Armani bag!!!!

Both I think. But that's not posh people work place. It's just her personal view. It's like someone would want to impose their own style.

I said that I don't have enough money, she promised I probably would earn it. And one more thing, there are very few clients.

About the lady - she is average and her style is not posh at all, her hair style is like mine, just too bright 'artificial' reddish colour.

Suzi
15-09-15, 08:40 PM
Could she be meaning that she wanted you to have earnt so much that you could afford the Armani bag? Maybe she was saying that you are worth more than a translators wage?

selena
15-09-15, 08:52 PM
Maybe but that's not about her very reddish hair. She has said she sooner or later expects any woman from her office to have this hair colour. And that bothered me.

selena
16-09-15, 06:15 PM
Ok, today has passed my third day at work. I've decided not to get nervous and to be sincere with my employeer. It is not the job I expected, but I'm afraid I have no great choice.

They promised me a training but want a perfect person with immediate results. And she hurries everybody without any specific reason. I should have to learn more, so no need of hurrying me.However I can't say that she is not satisfied at all with my results and my general knowledge.

If it passes well, ok. If no, I'll keep my nerves and search for another job. This experience appears to be helpful anyway.

Yes, director is instable woman with changing mood and subjects, at least she is not bad person.

Today I met two clients, negotiated price and convinced that this agency provides the best service. I didn't know how I did it, but I did.

Tomorrow will be the first reunion and meeting with my colleagues. I've got to know just one of them. I hate this kind of events and firstly wanted to find a reason to reject it, but decided to accept.

rose
16-09-15, 06:38 PM
I am glad you decided to accept the event. Building friendships with your colleagues will help you feel like you have allies when your boss is being a bit strange.
I think sometimes its easy for employers to forget or assume about a new starter's knowledge. Just keep your cool and ask when you don't understand something.
It sounds like you did really well with the clients though, and you always made it clear that was your strength. The other stuff will come in time. I am sure you are doing really well.

selena
16-09-15, 06:48 PM
Not perfectly well, but not too bad.

She appreciates my strong points. However she expects her workers to be as quick as robots.

Suzi
16-09-15, 08:33 PM
Speed will come, just hang on in there...

selena
17-09-15, 07:35 PM
You've been right.

Day has passed quickly and it's ok. I'm a little anxious being next to director and hearing sometimes her strange remarks about everybody.

So I still stay strong and try to be patient. I don't much like the idea being more her assistant than translator. However she encourages her employeers to take the exam and become sooner or later court translators.

Today I calmed a man who had to run everywhere because of some difficult issues with his documents. Later I've met my female colleagues from other offices, they appear to be quite normal girls.

Suzi
17-09-15, 08:25 PM
Sounds like it's going quite well! Well done hunni!

Paula
18-09-15, 02:33 PM
You're doing great :)

selena
18-09-15, 06:32 PM
Thanks, but in fact not so great. Today I've had a big panic attack and even cried ( nobody saw it as I haven't shown my weakness to anybody outside my inner circle).

First, I explained to her from the beginning that I'm trained to be a specific translator, not manager and I should have proper training during a week like she promised. She pressures all employeers and wants them to be truly perfect beyond any possibilty and expectations although she does some major mistakes herself.

Next, this is very responsible job, work with money, documents. She wants everything done on time, right and proper. But that's impossible as there are just a few employeers, because she keeps purse for herself. A girl from team has told me that she had a major breakdown.

Today I've translated an Italian text. I hesitated to take the job, but took it, as there are in fact few translations to be done. That's a good point and discussed with a very polite client before.

Later two men brought to the office cooler, yesterday she instructed to sign document applied to this agreement, today I've signed it but after a while she told me that I shouldn't have done it. How to get to understand such a person? And she's always in search of employeers, as some people just can't put up with all this pressure. And work is different from what she promised. I can't work and verify all the necessary materials because of pressure put on me.

However I decided that my mental health is more important and when she asked me ' What will we do?', I replied simply ' You're to decide not me, I've done my job'.

Well, I really don't know what to do, whether I should resign or wait a little.

Paula
18-09-15, 06:38 PM
Brilliant answer! If you can, Wait and see, she's probably never had someone stand up to her before :)

selena
18-09-15, 07:08 PM
And... surprise... on the dating site I've registered this week, I've got 5 likes and invitations to talk on site. I'm a little surprised and really don't know what to do next.

Paula
18-09-15, 08:44 PM
Smile, enjoy and, if they interest you, say hi!

rose
18-09-15, 09:06 PM
She sounds like a nightmare Selena. I am not sure I can really advise you, but I can say it sounds as if you are really holding your own and standing up to her and doing your best. And you only just started! How dare she expect so much from you.

selena
18-09-15, 09:11 PM
Yes, Rose, I'm holding myself but I don't know how much time I could last. I can't get these negative emotions out of my head.

Suzi
18-09-15, 09:47 PM
Thing is I think you should see the positives - you're holding your own, you stood up to her, you are doing translation work....

selena
18-09-15, 10:01 PM
Maybe I haven't stood up enough but I preferred not to get in open conflict as it could deeply hurt me. A few translations but there are some positive moments like aniwhere.

selena
19-09-15, 04:01 PM
I'm supposed to work on Saturdays as well. I'm not accustomed to this work yet so I had to stay later. But at least I was alone and this Ms. didn't bother me much.

I entered the office and got shocked when I saw her list of duties. She phoned me and explained tasks, but she enjoys so much to put pressure on others and complain. I explained that I haven't been trained at least a week and trying to do my best. It's so difficult to do everything on time - keep an eye on documents, money, keys etc. That's extremely responsible task and I feel increasing anxiety. I prefer to work slowlier in order to avoid any mistakes. At the end of the day she phoned me and asked if I put stand X, I didn't because nobody told me, she insisted that I ' should have guessed' it.

I ran the streets in order to hand documents to notary, but then realized I forgot some documents and returned twice, I should get accustomed to it, normally Rome is not built in a day.

And I should learn some specific programmes 'in process' without any promised paid training.

When I was on my way to the office of my colleague, I was so anxious that wanted to tell her everything I think of and that I resign. But when I got there, she talked to a woman, so I didn't say anything.

Positives: I met nice clients, who had patience and understand. One of them told me a sad story about her liitle granddaughter, she was born with congenital heart defect. The girl had undergone surgery, but because of fatal mistake of doctor who operated got disabled, she can't eat because doc damaged her esophagus, she is still alive only due to tube feeding. And they hope someone will help them.

There is a month and then I'll decide if not her. Should I stay? Probably until the end of the month, however it's not easy at all. And then, really don't know.

rose
19-09-15, 04:19 PM
It sounds like really hard work. Don't push yourself too hard and remember its just a job. If she is being unreasonable then that is not your fault.
(bear)

Suzi
19-09-15, 07:36 PM
There's nothing to stop you from looking around at other opportunities whilst you are there...

selena
20-09-15, 10:17 AM
Today I've gone to church again. I slept just a little because of toothache.

And tomorrow should hand translation to an impulsive client, the only thought about him and director is getting me down...

Suzi
20-09-15, 10:49 AM
Oh sweetheart. Are you feeing down because of the job, the work or the director?

selena
20-09-15, 10:55 AM
Because of director and multiple tasks that I'm not accustomed to and anytime I fear that something won't work in proper way and she put the blame on me.

When she offered me this kind of job, I explained that I'm translator and should learn more about other tasks, now she is expecting from me to know and guess everything.

Suzi
20-09-15, 06:11 PM
Could you arrange to talk to her about this?

selena
20-09-15, 06:15 PM
I already talked, but she's like nothing remembering.

Paula
20-09-15, 06:17 PM
Is it possible to have somebody with you to back up what you talk about? Do you have a job description?

selena
20-09-15, 06:47 PM
I'm afraid no. Yes, I do. She promised to provide training, then expresses her negative opinion, and after all calls me back and gives new tasks.

If I work a month I will have some money and then could leave. I don't know, maybe support three weeks and then leave,

I know that I should concentrate and leave all negativity like in yoga practice, but barely manage to calm down myself.

And tomorrow I should hand a translation to an hysterical client, oh my God, this man shouted at director's husband and is very instable...

In moments of pressure I have panick attacks, and start to think about hurting myself or death, I can't do everything so fast like she wishes.

I experience some health problems and besides all this, terrible toothache probably because of my wisdoom tooth, a real hell... I've taken two painkillers but it hasn't helped a lot.

And again these moment of OCD, feeling useless...

Paula
20-09-15, 07:01 PM
Hunni, you're not useless, you're achieving so much. I used to have a boss who'd get hysterical and expect far more from me than he should have (including arranging his mothers funeral). My way of coping was to retreat to my office, sit down and work out what he was really asking me to do amongst all the drama, then looked up or spoke to people to figure up how to do it. It helps with the anxiety, too, because you can take time to breathe. He told me he knew I was going to work out when he asked me 2 weeks after starting whether I knew how to do a particular task. I said no, but I'd find a way.

Can you ask someone to go with you to the hysterical client? You shouldn't have to see someone like that on your own.

rose
20-09-15, 07:39 PM
And tomorrow I should hand a translation to an hysterical client, oh my God, this man shouted at director's husband and is very instable...


But he didn't shout at you, and there is no reason why he should. Just stay calm and be sure to note, by email, when you feel tasks you are being asked to do are beyond what you have been trained to do or are unreasonable.
I can't advise you what to do, I think you will be able to make your own mind up, because you are far more capable than you think of making the right decision.

Suzi
20-09-15, 07:49 PM
You are far from useless - you just need to believe in yourself more!
You can do this, or you can see how you go - one minute by one minute if you need to lovely.

selena
21-09-15, 05:48 PM
Once again a day full of anxiety and frustration.

First of all, the hysterical client behaved well and treated me with respect. It was my director's husband who got him angry, because he two or three times postponed their meeting and once this guy stayed an hour in front of the door.

Then I did a little translation. My sadness is that I doesn't have any time to properly translate more works ( although they are few) because of all these tasks and responsibilities. They don't even have appropriate dictionaries in PC. So I'm expected to provide them ?!

I don't know a PC programme in Word that is related to signature' application. She promised to train me properly, notary told me that I should be trained to better arrange documents. I'm so ashamed...

My boss hasn't kept her promises until now, she expects that I guess how to fix a even a broken check machine. That's too much.

But if I wait I'll have a salary by the end of the month.

This work is eating my nerves because of their inappropriate management. Today she has phoned me and told me that her husband advised her to fire me, and I should be grateful that she keeps best opportunities for me and train me, if only... I mentioned that they often change emplyeers, so why is she so interested to keeping me at her office?

I told her that she could do this step anytime.

She wants me to be occasional translator, manager, a kind of accountant, PR special and money keeper in a person...

Today I managed to overcome my shame and asked client a couple of times what she really wants, although I was feeling dumb.

With all this I feel a limb in throat, dryness and panick attacks. When I'm pressed, I can't act properly and feeling trapped in a static mood that blocks me from inside and I can't focus on my next steps.

Only good thing - my Friday translation has been accepted as fine, so I do know my exact work.

rose
21-09-15, 06:25 PM
OK, I tell you what I take from your post.
You are very good with the clients, they like you, and you give a good service. These skills could be used outside of translation work.
The director is unreasonable, unkind, and possibly a bit crazy.

If you want to quit now, you should be given the money for the days you worked, why do you have to work a whole month?

selena
21-09-15, 06:32 PM
OK, I tell you what I take from your post.
You are very good with the clients, they like you, and you give a good service. These skills could be used outside of translation work.
The director is unreasonable, unkind, and possibly a bit crazy.

If you want to quit now, you should be given the money for the days you worked, why do you have to work a whole month?

Yes, Rose, I'm good with clients and translation work, but not good as manager and notarial assistant work etc.

Maybe I wanted to wait until I learn something useful. She promised to work with me tomorrow but I don't know what to believe.

Paula
21-09-15, 08:06 PM
You have no need to be ashamed - your boss is the one who should be ashamed. They've dumped you in it and treated you badly. Rose is right, you're great with clients and your translations are good - the problem isn't you, it's your boss.

Rose is also right that you should get the money for days worked, though I'm a little concerned that they're so bad they might refuse to pay you, so you may be right to wait until you've got your months pay

(panda)

selena
21-09-15, 08:16 PM
Thank you, Paula, you really helped me.

I probably should stay till the end of the month, otherwise they could dare not to pay my work, and I'm already out of money.

Suzi
22-09-15, 09:49 AM
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with her. She sounds like a nightmare boss! Only you can decide if you can stay there or not. I also don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Every new place gives training on the way that they like things done, so why she isn't I can't imagine, but I do suspect you now know the answer as to why so many staff keep leaving.... (panda) Remember, your health is more important than money...

rose
22-09-15, 11:16 AM
Good luck today, let us know how you get on.

selena
22-09-15, 06:54 PM
Today has passed more or less calmer. I was staying alone in another office. So, from one side I was happy not to have her by my side.

Her husband arrived early in the morning and explained me how to use checking machine. Ok, that was fine. I don't like her ideas, but today she hasn't bothered me.

In the evening I went to main office. She was supposed to teach me, but in fact provided very little information, saying that I could learn this via Internet (?). I told her that if I'm not properly trained I don't want to feel ashamed and I could go anytime, but she began to ask me to stay for a while. I guess she is a kind of manipulator. She wants to impose her choices and tastes to other people.

Every time she pressurs her workers to do everything in a very quick away. Today a translator has commited a serious mistakes by writing in document wrong information, the client got very angry and this girl could have been responsible for everything.

rose
22-09-15, 07:01 PM
I think your boss must be very stressed out. She also sounds like a terrible manager. Instead of calmly providing proper training and then allowing her staff to get on with their work, she hurries everything and then panics because her staff want to leave!
What do you want to do, get the first pay packet then run?

Paula
22-09-15, 07:10 PM
I'm glad your day was calmer, though feel very sorry for that poor girl

selena
22-09-15, 07:11 PM
Yes. Meantime I should find another job. Without a good job I'll soon be out of money and prefer not to make debts. But my mental condition is more important and I'm still not sure how much money I'll receive in the end.

I've forgotten to mention that last night I suffered asthma attack, that hasn't happened to me recently, I suddenly got awake and was nearly suffocating.

Paula
22-09-15, 07:14 PM
Have you had a check up with your dr recently?

selena
22-09-15, 07:20 PM
No, not yet. It's probably because of additional stress.

Paula
22-09-15, 07:39 PM
No, not yet. It's probably because of additional stress.

Probably, but is it worth seeing your dr just to rule anything out?

selena
22-09-15, 07:44 PM
Yes, and I'll ask for an appointment over phone.

Suzi
22-09-15, 08:42 PM
I'm glad it was a calmer day too lovely....

rose
22-09-15, 08:51 PM
I just want to say that I don't think you are finding this job difficult because of your mental health issues. I think you are finding it difficult because it IS difficult, unnecessarily difficult, without proper training and with lots of stress attached.
I've really struggled to get back into work this year and really suffered from low confidence and feeling like a failure because my jobs didn't work out. But in both instances, the jobs didn't work because they didn't work, it wasn't my fault.
Please don't assume just because this hasn't worked out, that it means you can't work. You made a massive brave step getting back into work and I have faith that you can succeed.

Suzi
22-09-15, 09:32 PM
I completely agree wit Rose.

Paula
22-09-15, 09:36 PM
I agree, you're doing brilliantly in a difficult environment

selena
23-09-15, 06:30 PM
So another not so easy day has gone.

I haven't been trained so today I've put some more time on making specific documents form. The client was in a hurry so I've phoned another girl and Mrs. to help me. Mrs.Dr. was too 'busy' to help, I've felt ashamed when I asked this girl for help, but had no other choice.

Today I've discovered that I'm supposed to be super checker, besides that I'm mini-accountant, manager etc. The authorized translator made a serious mistake, changing a letter from client's surname and of course the last got angry. But I'm managed to calm client and when didn't understand what she exactly required gave her my boss's phone. That shouldn't have happened if I had been trained, and when boss began again her portion of complaints, I overcame my modesty and told her that I should be trained like she had promised.

The client thanked me and gave me an apple.

This job sounds nervous, keeping an eye on everything. However it's difficult to find something proper. Tomorrow is team's meeting and I'm afraid that my tactless boss could make a hurtful remark in presence of them.

What else? A girl resigned and left the job. I have a feeling that Mrs. wants me to stay. I don't know if I have enough strenght to stand up to her and defend myself.

I've taken a little translation.

Suzi
24-09-15, 10:18 AM
I think it's brilliant that you are standing up to her lovely.

selena
24-09-15, 07:28 PM
Another hard day.

In the morning an aggressive woman phoned to get some information and tried to have an argument, but I stopped her and said that I'm not going to follow her way. Thank God, she didn't come to office.

Then a very pleasant woman came to office and asked me to type and print a little text. She was so grateful that paid me separately, that's for coffee and tea. I've been really glad that I met her and helped her with little work.

In the evening we've had a meeting with colleagues, the second for me. I was not very eager to go but I did. Mrs. Dr. really enjoys to instruct others and feel her importance. I understand that she wants me to stay. Suddenly she gave me a present - newer cell phone. I was really surprised, I think I won't use iy until I decide what I'll do next, this present really make me feel frustrated. I wanted to returned, but she refused.

She promised to train me on Saturday. However I feel that she enjoys imposing her views to other people and dominate.

My health is not the best: first of all terrible tootache and I can barely sleep at night, even painkillers don't help, I should go to the dentist but I should overcome my fears first.

rose
24-09-15, 07:34 PM
She gave you a mobile phone, what for?

selena
24-09-15, 09:00 PM
For personal use, saying that's her present for me....

rose
24-09-15, 09:05 PM
I don't think its appropriate for her to buy you gifts, what do you think?

selena
24-09-15, 09:14 PM
I agree with you and I earlier told her my point of view. She said that she bought 9 phones for office and one was freely offered. But I suppose it's her try to make me stay at her office. The work is nervous and many have resigned.

I decided to keep it packed and not to use, so that I could give it back to her. She has made this when the others were present, and I was feeling very confused when she said she doesn't expect any refuse.

Suzi
24-09-15, 09:14 PM
I don't think I'd be comfortable with her giving such a gift either...

selena
24-09-15, 09:27 PM
I don't know what other surprises expect from her part.

selena
25-09-15, 04:15 PM
Today is the end of the week and I'm literally dead on my feet. I am very tired and not very happy about new job.

Tomorrow I'll have promised training with my director. I'm nervous because she could try to impose her opinion like having her clown hair colour ( I respect others' choices, but I don't impose mines either). And I'm nervous because I don't know how to reply and argue. I don't know if I'm supposed to do cleaning, because this is not my official duty that will be paid.

Suzi
25-09-15, 05:39 PM
You don't need to argue, just say "no" or something. Do you have a written job description? Then check it and you can then keep referring back to it.

Paula
25-09-15, 05:40 PM
^^^ wss

selena
25-09-15, 05:41 PM
Yes, I do, but I am afraid she is always ready to built new meanings.

Suzi
25-09-15, 06:01 PM
Ask her to write it all down lovely...

selena
26-09-15, 02:19 PM
Today she has promised to answer my questions and train me. More or less, but she did it. Director did not impose her hair style choices and asked me about my impressions, I sincerely told her that I'm still not sure and I want my rights respected.

On site she never mentioned cleaning as one my obbligations. But she said I'm supposed to do cleaning once a week but I won't be paid for this separately. She said that's nothing difficult in brooming and washing floors and some brushing. I've said that I won't wash windows because I'm not paid for this and I've never washed such big windows.

At the end she said that she has done a lot for me. I'm still not officially working for this company, so just have to decide by the end of the month or a little later.

What do you think of?

rose
26-09-15, 02:26 PM
Honestly, I think it sounds terrible. She is going to pay you the days you've done, isn't she?

selena
26-09-15, 02:28 PM
Honestly, I think it sounds terrible. She is going to pay you the days you've done, isn't she?

For this month yes.

rose
26-09-15, 02:35 PM
What do you want to do?

selena
26-09-15, 02:49 PM
I hope to find another job. Then I'll see, as this job has eaten a good part of my nerves and forces, and I doubt it will get better.

Suzi
26-09-15, 04:07 PM
I agree, she sounds like a hard person to work for!

selena
26-09-15, 11:11 PM
My depressing moods slowed down. However by the end of the day I'm anxious again, feeling useless and in a way desperate. I couldn't have kept my emotions inside and I've had a good cry.

I probably was too stupid to message a normal guy, while I am who I am...

Suzi
27-09-15, 10:17 AM
Why are you stupid to have sent a message to someone? Have you not heard back? Wasn't he the guy that wasn't showing as being active?

Mira
27-09-15, 10:20 AM
Why are you stupid for doing that? If anything its amazing you are doing this. Its something thats not easy for you but you do it anyway.

And Selena you are way more then your depression

selena
27-09-15, 12:33 PM
Suzi, yes, it's that guy, but he hasn't read it yet. It's just another wave of insecurity.

In the morning I didn't want to get outside the house. However I forced myself and I've gone to church and have had a little walk in the park.

I'm feeling better but getting more nervous while thinking about my job and appointment to the dentist.

Suzi
27-09-15, 02:59 PM
Don't beat yourself up from not hearing from a bloke who isn't even active on the site! It's nothing to do with him not being interested in you - it's him not looking for anyone atm!
You are doing so well lovely - I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are.

selena
27-09-15, 04:40 PM
Yes, indeed. Last years I've been struggling with severe depression. Recently there have been slight improvements in my physical and later in my mental health.

By the end of summer I've had a lot of positive materials on my condition and PCOS, have read about positive transferring and had online consultation with psychologist. I knew I should move on and accept some things and try to stop my inner hysterical mood and suicidal thoughts, I really didn't know how to do it. And one day this miracle came, negative thoughts hid inside me and I found strength just to go on. It's not easy and still there are a lot of obstacles, but I'm really trying to stay positive and not fall in this abyss again.

One more thing: when my PCOS problems come back, my mother becomes anxious and the fear of disease and pain starts to dominate my mind and I really don't want to become obsessed with it.

Yes, I get the thing about this guy, it's just...er... disappointing. And yes, there are a lot of other men and he is not the one and only in the world. My personality is dual: from one side, I've inherited my mother's romantic side, that implies a little dreaming of happy life with a certain man I like, from other side, I've also got my grandma's practical side that stops me from being dominated and deceived by a man, but dreaming comes first.

And one more thing, when I'm walking on the street I daily observe different women, some are average, some are slender, some are overweight. Sometimes I'm thinking :" if I ever date someone and a perfect slender girl passes by, he will for sure compare me with her, and all day will be ruined'".

Paula
27-09-15, 04:58 PM
Hunni, why on earth would you assume you'd be dominated and deceived by a man? A relationship is an equal partnership between 2 people - and that's really what most people I know have. You can have the dream with the practicality, I promise (bear)

selena
27-09-15, 05:07 PM
And I've forgotten to add, this forum also helped a lot.

Suzi
27-09-15, 07:19 PM
Sweetheart I'm no where near slender and Marc and I have been together for 16 years. It's nothing to do with size love, you just haven't found the right person yet, but I am sure that there is someone out there for you.

selena
29-09-15, 06:30 PM
I don't know what will come next at work but apparently I've got along with clients quite well, although emotions inside me are higher than ever.

Boss gave me a text to type it.

Tomorrow will be held next reunion.

A really painful toothache is bothering and don't exactly know the cause, I've already taken a lot of painkillers and they barely helped. So tomorrow I intend to get an appointment, but I still have my fears.

Paula
29-09-15, 07:42 PM
It sounds to me like you're in the right job, with the wrong boss. Can you speak to her boss to try to resolve some of the problems?.

Suzi
29-09-15, 07:47 PM
I completely agree with Paula! Right job, wrong boss!

selena
29-09-15, 08:01 PM
Thanks. Job is not bad, I would just prefer more translations and better conditions.

I could talk, but I doubt something will gradually change.

selena
30-09-15, 05:21 PM
Today was not a simple day.

My boss put pressure on me again, now I understand why people leave her. She has never wanted to explain something till the end, so I'm expected to guess everything or feel ashamed. Her words today:" I'm not gonna train anybody for years so by the end of the month I'll decide, if people want to stay home let them stay". She expects that I could make stay any client and get from them highest amount of money.

My head is going crazy:I should keep an eye on personal documents, keys, other stuff and do cleaning, what is not officially included in my list. And I barely do my real job, because she wants everything done.


I've told her that I'll keep calm and she is to decide.

Today id International Translator' Day and in the evening she organized a meeting with team and gave everybody little presents. That's confusing me.

rose
30-09-15, 05:45 PM
Selena, she sounds like a nightmare.
When are you expecting to be paid?

Suzi
30-09-15, 07:55 PM
Oh what a nightmare!

selena
30-09-15, 08:29 PM
I should be paid around mid-October. I'm feeling very sad and low, and a lot of physical problems have got so far worse.

I couldn't manage to deal all these things at once, there are a lot of tasks that are even not connected with each other. Her idea with presents seems like a kind of manipulation.

Suzi
30-09-15, 09:53 PM
It sounds exactly like that!

I do hope you are looking around for something different lovely?

selena
01-10-15, 05:34 PM
Yes, but it's difficult and should wait until I get my money.

Today has not been an easy day.

I don't really get the boss, she finds wrong in anything I and other girls are doing. And surprise... the last thing she told me is that she does not exactly approve my writing style! Maybe I'm not the best, but all letters and other related characters are visible. They keep an old checking machine, so when it went wrong I called her and she said that I'm probably to blame, I asked shop assistant in a nearby shop how to fix it, he did it and said that's not my fault, all it's about a broken mechanism. I'll be afraid of using it next time, that could be tomorrow!

At the end of the last week she gave me an additional task - to type a text of a certain man who is in prison and claims to be innocent. The text is in written by hand and not everything can be easily seen, I've had some doubts and asked her - she replied that I could call this man from prison and ask him ( that won't be paid by me). I called, but he didn't answer. At beginning she promised that she would do checking and other things.

All this vanity makes impossible doing my main job. That's not translator's job, that's little different.

Today a woman asked to translate for her a simple medical text, it's not difficult but implies thinking, it should be finished in a week, and all these circumstances stop anybody from normal process of working.

selena
03-10-15, 10:40 PM
I've already written about multiple tasks, that in all this chaos I barely manage to translate.

On Thursday a woman asked for translation of medical report. She is cancer patient and I made her a price reduction ( in this case boss let us decide). And finally I've taken translation because other translators refuse to deal with medical texts. I've thought it would be hard, but today at home I nearly finished it. It wasn't simple because I had to google a lot of information on breast cancer and that's tragic issue...

This morning I've been to the dentist, she is my new dentist and she made a good impression.

My boss in two last days made me compliments, but I don't believe her...I think she's a kind of manipulator that wants to get on knee all her employeers.

And the last, I've received more likes on dating sites, but still feel ashamed and afraid of reaction of the guy who I send message. And I still don't believe that I did it.

Suzi
04-10-15, 09:52 AM
I think you're doing brilliantly - are you expected to take your work home to finish?
I don't think you should feel ashamed at all about sending that message.

selena
04-10-15, 11:16 AM
Yes, I've taken it and finally could work in silence. Last week boss proposed me a translation, but I refused because I can't do all work at once. I've felt ashamed but then decided that's better to refuse than to do bad job.

selena
04-10-15, 11:57 AM
About dating, I know that's nothing wrong this, but that's probably my inner feeling of insecurity. And the most interesting is that i've written this guy messages on different sites, but he ' has vanished' and he surely didn't read them. Maybe it's better...because he is attractive.

As for other men, I wish to wait a little because I'm too afraid to reply and hold a conversation. My mind is always stucked by this kind of thoughts:
' What if?....what if he wants to see more photos... what if he wants to see me in bikini and I don't want it because of my body...what if he wants to contact me on my skype....what if?" That way, I'll go mad.

Paula
04-10-15, 01:41 PM
Why would it be better because he's attractive? Why wouldn't you be with someone attractive? Wrt the others, if someone asks something you're uncomfortable either, say no and don't talk to them anymore. You're in control of what you can and can't do, lovely

Jaquaia
04-10-15, 03:40 PM
Selena, the guy I'm getting to know is gorgeous! Very fit with a gorgeous smile. Yet it's me he's saying is beautiful and amazing, not the slim, pretty ones. A good man will see you and want you for who you are, not what you look like (bear)