View Full Version : Time Passing By and Fear of Failure *Triggers*
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S deleted
30-01-18, 08:23 PM
30!? Holy Cow! I take 13 plus my inhaler, and that’s more than enough.
Yup, and that's just the basics. There are others I can add in if need be...
S deleted
30-01-18, 08:34 PM
I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I don’t think I could manage all of those everyday.
Jaquaia
30-01-18, 08:43 PM
I now take 8 every day but Monday when I take 17. If I paid attention to the side effects I'd never take some of them as I'd be panicking about damaging my lungs, liver, kidneys and eyes!
Thank you, I'll do the right way and try to follow what I have already started.
30 is no comment!
Jaquaia, 750 mg twice per day, how is it 8 tab.? Or I'm too bad at math.
Jaquaia
30-01-18, 08:47 PM
It's 2 tablets of extended release metformin
I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I don’t think I could manage all of those everyday.
It’s surprising what you can cope with when you have to ...
S deleted
30-01-18, 09:31 PM
I suppose you’re right Paula. Not like any of us take meds for fun.
I take 4 x 500mg metformin, 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening.
I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I don’t think I could manage all of those everyday.
But without them I couldn't move or look after my kids, or do anything... I'd always take the pills rather than having no quality of life.
Today family physician came to see my grandma. My mum asked her about metformin, she says no way it can be possible that it moves "stone" in a body, it's just very important medicine for me instead. So, I'm going to follow my treatment under medical monitoring of course.
S deleted
31-01-18, 05:52 PM
Good, glad that’s been cleared up for you.
Haven't you started it yet?
No, I've started but I have to increase my dose by the end of this week according to doctor's prescription.
So what dose are you on now?
I'm feeing so bad, like I'm willing to vanish, I will write in my another thread.
Really hard week for me. I wish something changes as I'm already over anxious.
Besides everything, the new girl replacing me this week "vanished " or something alike and I should return to work tomorrow. Her phone and my office phone switched off, some people saw her drunk. That's not my problem at all.
Just fed up with everything.
Then try to get yourself an appointment with the psychiatrist lovely - you need some help and support either with a psych or a counsellor.... You've been putting it off for far too long now.
I've been passing through a little bit harsh time again.
A lot of stressful situations and all this because of HR manager's influence on my boss.
A lot of work all week and even on week-ends and this nasty woman's attempts to put us down.
Today my boss showed me the scan of her discussion with a potential customer. This so called customer wrote that she had been at my office and I had told her that her document could not be translated. This is a very rude lie, but I have no camera in my office for evidence. Then she asked me to call this woman and she tried to say that it was a misunderstanding or something.
This HR wants old emloyees step down from the offices. Four of my ex colleagues had resigned and perform translations home.
I'm feeling lumps again, feeling very anxious...This situation is putting me down
My mom told me that I should be patient and pray. Ok, but this nasty woman can put down anybody.
I can’t believe you still work there. I wish you would find a way to get out of that toxic environment
I'm thinking about gaining some money and living in Latvia at my dad's place for a while, at least trying.
Are you still looking for a different job where you are? You seem to feel lumps when you are stressed - is that fair? Have you still continued to see your counsellor?
Not now. Honestly, I can earn safely at home doing translations for this company and others, but my mum has asked me to wait a little.
Yes, and I'm nearly all time stressed in the office.
No, she is on holiday and will return in September.
Why does your mum want you to wait?
I think she wants me to work in the office and then that local employees are probably all the same.
I agree with the second statement, but I would feel much more relaxed if I did translations at home.
And maybe there is also a reason: my boss donated for her blood last year.
Thing is you deserve to be respected and you aren't where you are now..
Could you and other friends who have left join together and form your own company?
It is a nice idea, I think I should try to get more in touch with some of them.
It would be a good idea - maybe if one of them has too much work to do then it could be passed to someone else etc?
I talked to my ex colleagues. One is abroad, the other works in a different field and has never really worked as a translator. The other two work as freelancers (for my company too) at home and perform only translations they have chosen.
Our last Sales Manager has also resigned. We talked and he told me he is envious of my angelic patience because our boss is too greedy and wants us to work day and night.
He thinks so, I'm on the edge and nearly in hysterics! He told me he asked her why she keeps on putting pressure on me, her reply is that I'm considered as a good translator, but I'm just too responsible! I want to see her translate day and night!
I really don't know what to do, but my anxiety got worse and I'm feeling worn out again.
Could you not freelance for your company and pick and choose what you want to work on?
Yes, even freelance with my company would be ok.
I'm feeling so suicidal, yes, I'm considered as a good translator, but otherwise I'm feeling like a failure.
You aren't a failure at all! I really think you need to get out of that toxic environment lovely..
But who am I, if no man really loved me?
Maybe grandpa.
My dad has never truly cared about me, my stepdad has made sexual advances towards me (thank God he never did anything!). Then I'm either cursed, or abnormal.
Why do you feel you need a man to give you self worth?
I think I just need someone's love, feeling that someone shares even a small part of my feelings.
OldMike
30-08-18, 10:55 PM
Selena you're a highly intelligent young woman and a truly beautiful person, yes it would be nice if you had someone to share your life but being single doesn't make you any less of a person. Not all relationships are like fairy tales and being single does have its advantages in that you can do what you want when you want.
I've started thinking about more socialising, maybe yoga.
Mike, thank you so much for such nice and encouraging words.
I also faiiled with the men I tried to build up a relationship. It is heart breaking now.
There are mixed feelings of guiltness and being manipulated with my mom. Now she came to have more communication with her friends.
Of course, she maybe wants me to be with the best man in her view. And in fact it's my stupid fantasy.
But it deeply hurt me when she told me: " I pray that you will not be with X and may he find someone else".
And then I failed since the beginning. Mother is one and dearest person, but a colleague told me this:" It's not about her, but if you are willing that everything shall be ok next time, just don't tell her anything until it becomes really serious".
All of my relationships ‘failed’, until I fell in love with my husband. Those failures showed me how special my relationship with Si is and I might not have realised that without those past relationships. The most important thing I learned was that I did not have to rely on a man to provide self worth - poor self worth can actually trap us in bad relationships and sabotage new relationships. Without loving ourselves, how can we truly expect someone else to love us?
Mike and Paula are right..
I've had some shockingly bad relationships and they each "failed" but actually whilst it broke my heart a few times actually I wouldn't be the person I am now without them.... I also wouldn't have known how to know that this was true love when I got involved with Marc.
Jaquaia
31-08-18, 10:00 AM
What they said. If it wasn't for my failed relationships, I wouldn't know that I have the real thing with J. What I do know is my relationship does not define me. We are still our own separate people with our own worth. You need to still be you. Having a partner may make you happier but it doesn't make you any better than someone who is single
Thank you for support. You are right of course, I'm just feeling tired and destroyed.
My stressful job too. I've had an offer from the other company. I should check it.
Yes, my boss raised our salary. 500-600 EUR is a very good salary here, but I'm supposed to work day and night. Less money shall be better than this stress and the fact I'm very critical towards myself and try to carefully check the quality of performed translations. You cannot even imagine how greedy she is, once she notices a customer, she thinks about money, sometimes asking even more. My hands are already trembling and lumps are suffocating me.
I switch off phone on week-end, but they try to reach me anyway. They are like predators hunting for me.
Definitely check out the other company, love
What do you think of attending yoga sessions?
If it interests you, go for it
I thought that my body is not exactly for this, but I found out different women attending it.
My endocrinologist also recommended it.
I've got some discounts from travelling agency for January-February, but should think carefully first.
I've been doing some T'ai Chi with the mindfulness course I'm doing and I'm loving it... Hope you do look into the yoga.
CaterpillarGirl
01-09-18, 01:09 PM
One of my friends does yoga, she's going through a lot of stress at work at the moment (to the point that it's causing her depression and anxiety which she's never suffered from before) she's swears by the yoga, says it really helps calm her and makes her feel more herself
I've decided to resign and not to work in this company as an office manager anymore.
I'm in hysterics, I cannot think about anything. I've been exploited for nothing.
If she agrees, I can translate, but online. I will work as a freelance officer and maybe for other companies too.
Just encourage me please.
Today is Sunday and my hands are trembling already...
I think that’s fantastic news! You need to get out from that toxic environment and this decision will be much better for you and your health :)
Woohoo!! That's brilliant! You could do so much better as freelance. You'd be able to set your own payment rates too!
I'm so proud of you for standing up for you!
OldMike
02-09-18, 12:05 PM
That's great news, working freelance you can pick and choose your own jobs and it should be less stressful.
Guys, just imagine, she messaged me now and proposed to translate a big text for morning! For a laughable fee.
I refused. Enough is enough!
You’re in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie (bear)
Hope you're ok lovely. Remember it's OK to not be OK right now. You need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve..
Thank you for support.
Funeral ceremony passed today. There were just close friends of family, some neighbours and my mom's cousin.
It is still hard because I cannot still believe I will not find her home after work. I was free today (I agreed to remain in this agency until the end of year).
It is like an end of my life's period.
Now there are just the two of us-me and my mom.
Grandma had an important role in my life. She is deeply missed.
I am aware that it was hardly possible to be by her side more often due to a busy schedule, but I'm still feeling guilty for this.
Jaquaia
20-09-18, 06:03 PM
You have no need to feel guilty. She knows you love her and that is the main thing. You need to be kind to you lovely (panda)
Sweetheart every time anyone passes away those left behind feel guilty. It'll never make any difference how much time you spent with her, you'd always find another reason to feel guilty. It's "just" part of grief.
You need to be kind to yourself. You need to remember that you loved her and she loved you. Remember the good times and all the words of wisdom she has shared with you.
I can’t agree with Jaq and Suzi more. Sending you much love and hugs, sweetie (party)
OldMike
20-09-18, 10:09 PM
The previous ladies are right when someone close passes there's so many what ifs, I know it's a cliche but time heals. I've lost both my parents and the sadness I felt then has now faded and I remember the smiles and laughs we had together. (bear) (panda)
Thank you for kind words, it really touched my soul.
Me and my mom...we will adjust to new reality, it's just hard to manage this at once. Even our cat seems to be "messed up" because he had never been alone at home before.
Jaquaia
22-09-18, 07:14 PM
It will take time lovely. My nana died when I was 17 and I still miss her. It gets easier but you don't necessarily get over it, you just learn how to deal with it so it hurts a bit less (panda)
My maternal grandpa meant a lot to me too. When he died, I was still a teenager. Now, being adult and more responsible, grief is the same, but this death's perception is different.
Do what you need to do to help you through this lovely. It was the anniversary of my Dad's passing a couple of weeks ago and I still miss him.... Sweetheart grief is horrible. Talk to those around you and work through it at your pace..
I'm still grieving, but I'm slowly getting better too.
I felt so bad the upcoming week after funeral, even yesterday, having experienced vertigo, nausea and bad headaches. My mom even went to a check at hospital.
My boss provided support to me too, asking not to put on me much work last week. I still don't know about my job. Because my dad called me last week and asked to wait a little as he expects me to come to Latvia next year, and it shall be better to keep my current job position for better opportunities there.
My endo increased Metformin dosage up to 1500 mg/day and I'll undergo blood test and other exams in December. It's ok, just experiencing more nausea and nearly impossible for me to eat meat on this dosage.
So sorry to hear about your loss Selena. I never knew any of my grandparents. Time will heal Selena. I'm sure you had many happy times together, and have many lovely photos of you all together to look at and smile about.(bear)
OldMike
30-09-18, 04:23 PM
(bear) (panda)
It’s still really early days lovely, you are going to have to be kind to yourself for a while (panda)
Sweetheart how long have you been on the increased dose? If you're struggling to eat then maybe you need to go back to them and tell them so....
For about two weeks or a little more. I'll see then.
Jaquaia
01-10-18, 06:32 PM
Why can't you eat meat on the increased dose? Are you having gastric issues on them?
I can't help re the meat eating as I'm vegan....
Jaquaia
01-10-18, 07:26 PM
Immediate release metformin can cause some gastric issues, changing to the prolonged release can help that. Definitely something to discuss with your doctor
Yes.
No, I cannot eat it because nearly all meat products make me experience nausea.
Jaquaia
02-10-18, 05:50 PM
Definitely discuss it with your doctor, it could be that changing to the prolonged release would help you.
OldMike
02-10-18, 06:01 PM
I don't know much about metformin but if there is a slow release version that may be the way to go, discuss it with your doctor.
If it's any help, my hubby is on a large dose of Metformin - in fact they encourage almost as much as you can take at the surgery! - and he had bad diarrhoea because of the dosage. He's going for the slow release Metformin, which won't be so violent with his stomach.
I've called my doctor and she has told me to temporarily slow down the dose, as it might be caused by recent stress.
Glad you called them and got some advice.
I'm a little bit disappointed with my boss.
She gave me some money on my grandma's funeral (I didn't ask for), told me that this is an aid, then took this amount out from my salary.
She should have told the truth.
I've done much work for her even at lower price or free in the beginning.
I perform medical translations from/into more languages, our translators don't usually provide this service, I'm paid more or less normally only in pair Romanian/English and vice versa.
I don't like her system, my dad asked me to be patient a little.
I'm very tired of all this, her fees are ridiculous.
Serious medical translations (even of average size) into Russian are paid about 20-25 MDL
I'm really waiting for next year.
She’s proved time and time again that she can’t be trusted, why are you waiting?
OldMike
07-10-18, 12:34 PM
Selena you should definitely look for a new job as soon as possible because your present boss is taking advantage of you.
Here the things have unfortunately taken a bad path again. A year after surgery and my mom has been experiencing again bad symptoms. Tomorrow she is going to be admitted to hospital. Low fever, then high fever, it is really a mess....She was unwilling to see hospital walls again, but...Maybe it's stress following grandma's death (although it was expected due to her age), and her ex colleague's death also due to cancer (but it was discovered at last stage). My head has been exploding since morning...
Oh sweetie (panda), I’m sorry. You’re in my thoughts and prayer
I'm sorry lovely. Hopefully she'll be in the right place to get better...
OldMike
18-10-18, 06:09 PM
(bear) (panda)
How is mum today selena. Hope you're looking after yourself too!
Thank you everybody. I've been sleeping poorly these days, but trying my best to properly take care of everything.
My mom has had a crisis moment today, but now she is felling better. Her doctor considers her condition will improve within a few days.
Does her doctor know what the problem is? Is she still in hospital? What kind of crisis?
Are you taking care of you hunni?
I'm a little bit perplexed. It is an acute form of cholangitis, but they should perform one more ultra sound check to exclude possibility of Mt.
It’s good she’s on the mend. Can you see your doctor about your sleep?
I should find time, but I would sleep better, if she returned at home in good health.
I understand that but, in the meantime and given how difficult things have been recently, maybe you should see your doctor anyway ....
I've seen her today, she had a crisis again, but now is feeling better. Her doctor said there are no Mt, that is the greatest new ever.
But she also developed drug-induced hepatitis due to severe allergy to some medecines.
She had been given Morphine in the afternoon, later she had some rest and also properly ate.
Glad she's feeling a bit better lovely. Glad she's eaten lovely..
Are you taking care of you? x
Generally yes, I try to eat regularly although I don't have too much appetite.
The main problem is insomnia, I can barely sleep at night.
Please, please see your doctor, lovely, if for no other reason than you need your full strength to care for your mum when she’s out of hospital ....
Jaquaia
20-10-18, 09:07 PM
You're going to be no good to your mum if she comes out of hospital and you're exhausted. You need to be looking after yourself.
OldMike
21-10-18, 12:41 PM
I agree with Paula and Jaq you need to look after yourself Selena (panda)
Absolutely go and see your Dr lovely. Insomnia drains you of everything....
How are you doing, hunni?
Have you been to see the Doctor yet Selena? Are you sleeping any better?(bear)
No, because I can barely find some free time , but I'm going to do it anyway. Not too much, but a little better. It's thing to laugh, but even my childhood fears of darkness raised in such a stressful situation. It is such an air of emptiness in the house.
My mom has showed a slow progress, hopefully no fever, but I and she too still have some fears.
I distract myself at work and if I watch some travelling videos. Otherwise, the most difficult is to return home in the evening where nobody (besides cat) is waiting for me.
Jaquaia
23-10-18, 06:36 PM
Can you at least set some time aside before bedtime to try and relax? Maybe a soak in the bath or read a book for a little while? Just something to help you unwind?
Yes, but then I can wake up in the middle of the night and experience the same discomfort again.
Maybe listen to some music or radio? Then at least then you won't just hear silence?
Update on my mother's condition: She has been prescribed Phthoruracilum-5 not accidentally. Her doctor wanted at first to protect me probably, but then he told me she developed metastases in liver. When I heard this, my world fell! And this only in a year after surgery and good perspectives.
I found her in a very bad condition with a high fever and problems with breathing. They gave her Tromadol injection again, her veins are so thin, her hands are actually violet because only a man from medical team was able to put her injection! And jaundice, she hasn't eaten for a day cause of nausea. She is afraid that side effects will destroy her and can be horrible due to her partial resection.
I have no words (like many of you too) to express my grief.
I found this medication. Her doctor told me they will try it. The side effects can be harsh, but if there is no choice.
When she found out, she shouted at me and told me that sooner or later all cancer patients die, and she doesn't want additional pain. It is enough to take Morphine and Tramadol and she will be relieved. I tried to calmly explain to her that I love her and want to see her coming out from this hell, to live some time more for me, for us, for her. But she said No, she wants to sign tomorrow that she will not take any drugs that can destroy her, as there is actually no cure.
The doctor told me life expectancy with metastases is very short.
Jaquaia
24-10-18, 06:42 PM
I'm so sorry lovely (panda)
Oh sweetheart, I’m so, so sorry. But, love, are you asking her to take this drug, knowing the side effects are horrific, for her benefit or for yours? It’s a really tough question, I know, but you need to know 100% what the answer is. Is it possible that it’s better for her to be pain free rather than cancer free?
Keep talking to us, hunni, we are here for you (panda)(panda)(panda)
Well, thanks for support. For both I guess, and want to see her by my side, yes, because I love her. I'm afraid too, feeling like caught in a trap.
I'm just trying to confide in her doctor.
Maybe so...
Jaquaia
24-10-18, 07:23 PM
Take one day at a time lovely. Your mum will need time to come to terms with the news too
Some days ago (one even a week ago) I had a dream that my teeth have fallen (two of them). It means somtimes to lose someone from family. Then a kind of wedding, also meaning death.
Some years ago I dreamt that I had a daughter and my mum was alive.
Then the first is true? I'm simply broken, cannot find any peace now.
Jaquaia
24-10-18, 07:40 PM
I had a dream about losing my teeth a few months ago and this is what I found...
Losing teeth - anxiety, indicators of life changes, symbol of a new start, intensity of imagery reflects intensity of the anxiety
The images we see in our dreams are often just a visual representation of our deepest worried. Try not to read too much into your dreams lovely, you've got enough to worry about at the moment.
I completely agree with Jaq, lovely
Sweetheart when my Dad was diagnosed with Mesothelioma he didn't want any treatment like chemo and although it was really hard for us - especially my Mum at least he wasn't in pain and didn't spend time dealing with horrible side effects and could actually spend the last of his days spending time with family and doing things he loved...
Sending lots of love and hugs (panda)
More update: a week in hospital. Today she is feeling better, but I'm still scared of jaundice in her eyes. The doctor talked to her about alternative medication I've mentioned before, she got calmer, although hoping to continue improvement wuthout this medication.
(panda) how are you coping?
OldMike
25-10-18, 10:03 PM
(bear) (panda)
Maybe not in the best way, but I'm more or less fine.
Are you eating? Drinking enough? Taking care of you?
Please pray for me, for us. Today she has been in horrible condition. She stopped eating again, experiencing nausea, fever, jaundice and weakness. She only felt better when they give her Tromadol or Morphine. At least she can get some rest or sleep. But it breaks my heart to see her in this condition. I only pray that God raises her and gives her some more time with me, I need her so much, love so much and I am just not ready to lose her! She is such an amazing and kind person, doing so much for others without taking anything! I'm just feeling trapped, I'm praying and not praying at once...But she stays faithful to God despite everything.
Her doctor told me they will undergo another ultra sound tomorrow. And I'll go on Monday to local GP too in order to have the right to buy necessary drugs for her, like Metformin and Tramadol.
I'm feeling so useless, so broken, I'm afraid to lose my mind
and lose everything
That's too much for me
I've taken valium, but it didn't help.
A week ago she told me "What's the date is today?
Many years ago she had a religious revelation
It was Night from 26 to 27
September 27 is a religios holiday in Romania
Then I see why she decided to live lack a monk in a normal society
church, prayers, rules...
Ok
I can get anything
and I'm especially afraid of this night
but if God loves her so much and chose this vocation, why would he want to see me destroyed now?
My prayer is not a prayer of a good person
I'm crying and asking him to hear me
I can be subdued
She told me " You're wise, intelligent, I'll pray for you even in another world. You can get through it"
But I'm mentally vulnerable and suicidal
I'm feeling trapped
She told me try to be stronger, wait for 6 months and then I can sell the apartment and move anywhere
But for now it's unbearable for me
I hope to see her by my side at least 2 months...in fact more and more time
but she should sort out from this
Her doc is also discouraged..
Selena, love, my heart hurts for you right now. I don’t know how much more time you have but I suspect it could never be enough..... but trust in yourself, you are far, far stronger than you believe, and trust in your faith - God loves you both and He will hold you close (bear)
Thank you for your support, but I cannot stop blaming myself or regreting. Although logically there are no grounds. She used to be stubborn, some of her words could hurt, but deeply inside she was a kind person. She took care of kittens and helped people in need, being involved in one of first philantropic projects in Moldova.
Well, ans she in fact has tried to give me a good education working very hard.
Jaquaia
26-10-18, 07:29 PM
I promise you that none of this is your fault. You're in my thoughts (panda)
You’ve devoted your whole life so far to your family. You have nothing to regret
Selena, grief causes people to feel guilty and regretful and the feeling that you should/could have done more and only ever seeing the good in those people.... but hunni I promise you that you have nothing to feel guilty about... (panda)(panda)
OldMike
26-10-18, 11:45 PM
(bear) (panda)
Today her doctor told me she is scheduled on Monday for a free CT. He said ultrasound failed to show concrete details:it is either a benign bile stricture or metastases and only CT imaging can identify it. I understand that it might be anything, but I'm hoping so much for some good news.
She hasn't been eating for two days, only tasting some soup or fruits. But she asked me to buy her coffee and a sweet. She felt better after it.
When I came in the morning, I was scared to see her completely yellow! Then she seemed more relaxed. I don't know where she has found forces to go herself to WC. But unfortunately she is able to resist only on Tramadol drugs! Otherwise she is feeling worse and she barely has any forces.
If it's benign, she will be scheduled for surgery, but I cannot imagine how she will resist.
If they don't allow free of charge CT, I shall go to the Institute of Oncology and only after will have to ask for my salary at my boss, because there is no time to lose.
I can certainly see where you get your strength from, and vice versa. Selena, are you getting any support from your church?
Practically nothing. Let's say my mother has always been more practicing than me.
But The Orthodox Church members have never been known for supportive Christian circle unless they refer to members abroad. It's really hard to imagine such a situation in a Christian community, but that is sad truth, that is why many people left the State church.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well for your mum. And look after yourself too!(panda)
Thank you, it's especially hard because we've got to get along really well like we used to be before.
Oh sweetheart you're dealing with so much (panda)(panda)
Your support means a lot to me...
Sincerely, I don't know myself how I'm still standing up to all this.
The most difficult time is the evening when I'm invaded by different anxious and maybe distantly suicidal thoughts. Valium helps, although not on permanently basis.
As for my mother, doctor has told me she is probably depressed too, because everything turned very unexpectedly and painful for her.
You are doing brilliantly lovely..
I hope this horrible situation will clarify soon and then I'll restart my treatment again.
Jaquaia
27-10-18, 09:37 PM
What do you mean restart your treatment?
First CBT (then medicines prescribed by neurologist) and then new tests for endo.
Jaquaia
27-10-18, 09:49 PM
You need to be looking after yourself! At the very least taking any medication you've been prescribed
I agree with Jaq - you have to be taking your meds to take care of you, because if you don't then you won't be able to look after your Mum..
OldMike
28-10-18, 11:01 AM
I agree with Jaq and Suzi, Selena you need to look after yourself, I know it is difficult but you must take care of yourself. (panda)
Today she has asked me to bring some food. She had appetite after not eating nearly all in two (or even three) days!
She has been experiencing so far a lot of weakness anyway.
I cannot wait until tomorrow when we finally find out the truth.
That’s positive that she’s eating. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, lovely
Completely agree with Paula x Will be thinking of you x
I'm so afraid of possibility of hepatic metastases ...because in such a case there is a very little hope.
You are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.... If at all. Sweetheart it's easy to think "what if...." but you need to think about you too....
Unfortunately, there isn't much good news. My dear mother is too weak to survive surgery, her Hb level is extremely and she cannot survive a day without Tramadol or Morphine. At least, she more or less has a very little but appetite. It's hard to see her like this and despite her surgeon's experience, I have some doubts too. Now she is being given plasma and blood transfusions are supposed during surgery too, but surgery will be scheduled only when her condition improves at least a little.
Jaquaia
31-10-18, 09:06 PM
(panda)
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry (panda)
Sorry to hear this lovely...
OldMike
01-11-18, 04:46 PM
(panda) (panda) (panda)
She has been given blood transfusion.
Her doctor told me he will probably take final decision tomorrow.
She is feeling slightly better, but she cannot survive a day without Tromadol or similar painkiller drug. But she hopes surgery will sort out the problems.
Does she have an actual diagnosis atm?
She will have ultra sound exam again.
But I doubt it will clear up the situation, because it is not MRI or CT.
Is her pain under control in the hospital?
Yes, the doctor comes himself with medications.
Glad the pain is under control. That's the kindest thing no matter what the diagnosis.
Are you eating and drinking OK?
I'll try to keep it right.
Do you have any support lovely?
I'm feeling messed up at this moment.
A brief summary for those who are not aware about my mom's story: she was admitted with sepsis in March 2017, Whipple succesful surgery in August 2018 and Cholangocarcinoma confirmed, then a rather stable and fine condition with apparently insignificant episodes of pain, although more some more weakness in May. But in a week after my grandma's funeral (September 18) she had pains in abdominal region, called emergency service, these pains were similar to heart pains, but EKG confirmed it is unrelated.
Results of tests from mid October showed very high levels of ALT and AST! Bilirubin also increased to a certain level and normal Hemoglobin.
She has been in hospital since October 17 and situation still unclear and I would say rather critical. in my country, there are 1-2 specialists specialized in this type of cancer (more or less). She has also experienced coughing, but has no pneumonia. Ultra sound did not show much either. She had blood transfusions. She had a very bad jaundice, now from one side it's better, but she has been going through much pain. She trusts doctor and wants surgery to see if it's biliary stricture. I doubt it. Her doctor told me at beginning that's liver metastases, then he told me about stricture. She has been on Tromadol and/or Morphin for a week. She's crying of pain in some moments. Surgery was postponed several times, anesthetiologist told he has concerns about her current Hemoglobin level and that heart may not resist. I would prefer CT if she feels better, but she is waiting for surgery. Her doctor is nervous. Maybe it will be better just to take her home (or hospice) and leave it up? I mean I'm completely for CT or MRI, but I'm afraid I can lose her in this way soon.I'm discouraged at this moment.
I'm going through all this pretty much alone, but there are people who sincerely ready to give me some help and there are also more blood donors.
Massive hugs sweetheart. All you can do is talk to the Drs and talk to the nurses and see what say and what they advice. Tramadol and morphine should be keeping the pain at bay, but only if they are taken well...
What is the Dr suggesting?
Dr. is waiting for her condition's improvement, more significant ...in order to finally be ready for surgery.
I want to say that your support, as well as that of other people around means a lot to me.
A girl who worked in the same company only in summer time called me and told me all her family prays for me and my mother, and if I need something, they are ready to help.
It's really touching.
You’re a lovely person, they’re offering help because they care about you and know you’d do the same if things were reversed.
It is lovely and humbling when people offer to help when things are tough. Huge hugs lovely xx
There are some lovely people around Selena. There is a lot of power in lots of people praying for you both!....I'll pop in a prayer for you too!(bear)
Thank you everybody for your kind words and support.
It seems God heard my prayer and my instinct about surgery seemed to be right.
Yes, she is definitely feeling better after blood perfusions, but very weak too and still getting a painkiller per day (Morphin).
The anesthesiologist told that she is too weak and might not be able to survive because of general weak condition and heart problems. They want to send her home for 1-2 days and then pass CT scan.
CT scan will show anything, as general situation is still unclear.
How do you feel about her being sent home? I assume that they will have prescribed morphine for her to take at home too?
I'm happy, but...We have decided to do it differently. I will take her on taxi to a private medical centre for CT, so that everything becomes clear, otherwise we are trapped in "nowhere" road.
We'll discuss everything in detail with her doctor. Her doctor gives her Morphin, but being home it shall be different-I must have the authorization of the Institute of Oncology. Otherwise it's hardly possible to change something -without MT detection.
Sounds like a plan. I hope it tells you everything you need to know...
Morning, lovely, how are you?
Not so fine, probably high cortisol due to late stress.
I'm praying only that we'll sort it out by next week...as soon as possible, as it's extremely hard for both of us.
(panda) Are you doing anything nice today to rest a bit?
I've returned earlier from hospital (because it's Sunday) and maybe I've got some more rest than usually. Just because I haven't been working today.
Visiting someone and worrying about them is exhausting hunni. You need to be spending some time a day on you - eating sensibly, resting, showering, getting some exercise if you can....
My mother underwent MRI exam and is unfortunately still in harsh condition. 1) Multiple liver lesions (hopefully benign at least) of cluster type with central necrosis, oedema too 2) some dilatation of biliary duct, but detection of purulent (probably) tissue dead fragments there, common biliary duct obstructive process, maybe necrotic detritus; thus fever is understandable and jaundice too 3)bilateral lung pleurisy , I was thinking why she is coughing and they were unable to detect it in hospital through X-ray. She will undergo surgery asap despite difficulties, because we have no choice. Thank you for support and prayers please.
I'm ok, but very tired and having constant headaches.
(panda) you are, of course, in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the surgery helps her feel more comfortable than she is at the moment xx
Are you eating and drinking properly lovely? That could set off headaches - as can hospital lighting and stress of course...
I think more or less yes, at least I'm trying...
Selena, have you been drinking and eating today? Yesterday?
My mom and other people also reminded me about it today. Well, I think today I've managed to do it more or less.
As far as it concerns the company, my boss (although she at last agrees with my replies) and others try to put all the work on me. I refused several times, when I considerate it difficult and/or inappropraie, as I'm not feelin quite well.
Are you doing any work? Not that I would be in your shoes but I’m wondering if it might distract you a bit?
Would you try to keep a diary of what you are eating and drinking and when? It's just the last few times we've asked you about it, your answers seem really vague...
In what way are you not feeling well? Could it be due to not eating properly etc? Do you need to see a Dr as it's been going on a while now?
That is a good idea about diary, thank you. Thus I'll be trying better.
I think all my health issues are related to recent stress.
Today even one of my long-term customers brought me some food again so that I don't forget for sure.
My mother had her third surgery this morning, doctor told me her general condition is more or less fine.
Another step got through. Big hugs, lovely (panda)
Glad the surgery went well x
I haven't had yet an opportunity to see her. Because she is still in ICU, the last two times she stayed there for 3-5 days.
8 people donated blood for her and even the others tried to be supportive. I'm ashamed because of my inability due to mental issues to grow up a good friendship relation, as I often feel the need to stay apart.
You’ve built up a good friendship circle on DWD, lovely, so you are able to do it, and well
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you've made and maintained a good group of friends through here lovely....
Yes, and I'm actually so glad and proud to have such friends as on dwd.
Morning, lovely, I hope mum’s improved a bit overnight (panda)
Yes, and I'm actually so glad and proud to have such friends as on dwd.
We're glad and proud to have you too lovely. You are so much more awesome than you think you are.
Thank you.
I haven't see her yet. But a doctor told me today she has showed so far a slow progress.
But still progress? I wish I could reach through my screen and give you a huge hug but this’ll have to do (panda)
OldMike
09-11-18, 08:43 PM
(bear) (panda)
Progress is good, no matter how slow or fast hunni x Sending much love
I've seen her today for first time.
She is still very weak and skinnier, but started eating and is encouraged by her doctor in the path to her recovery.
Jaquaia
10-11-18, 07:26 PM
And what about you? Are you eating and drinking?
Yes, a few days ago I've drawn up a list what to do per hour.
I’m so glad she’s recovering. Are there any test results you’re waiting for?
Sorry, I'm a bit confused. What was the surgery for?
Are you eating every day? Are you drinking properly and taking your meds? Are you resting at all?
It was tumor recurrence in the bile duct, bile duct stricture had been blocked because of tumor. They removed it and sent for biopsy, now waiting for biopsy results. Also recurrence of many liver lesions just in a year following surgery. She is feeling very weak and depressed, now following a post-surgery tretment based on antiobiotics and other drugs. But no pinkiller drugs...we do hope she won't need them them, although surgery wounds still hurt because it's too early for recovery. We are both waiting for treatment to be finished and finally coming home.
I ate properly last 2-3 days and got definitely some rest on week-end. I'm going to write a request for a holiday. If my boss doesn't accept, I'll just resign. But I think she will agree.
I've taking only valium, but I'm referred to some specialists due supposed holiday period.
She's not having any pain relief?
What about you taking your metformin? Sweetheart if you've only eaten properly the last couple of days then you're going to make yourself ill love. Please, please, please eat properly.
She does, but it hurts at movements...it was at the beginning after prior surgeries too.
I'll come back to metformin soon.
Jaquaia
10-11-18, 10:14 PM
Selena! You need to look after yourself! You're eating so why aren't you taking your meds??
Why aren't you taking your meds? Selena, if you don't look after you then you can't look after her!
It was doctor's recommendation following pancreas pains and that I'm expected to undergo some tests first.
OK, as long a it's with your Dr saying so...
I think I'll definitely look for professional help, as this time it's the toughest and it's like I lost a part of my world or mind, a strange feeling, maybe it's natural after first shock.
I hope you do, sweetheart. You deserve help
Has anyone here taken Alprozolam?
I've known people who were... Why do you ask? Are you being prescribed it? Who is prescribing it?
It's prescribed by neurologist (in my place it's common), but what is its effect generally?
Here it's more commonly known as Xanax. It's a benzodiazepine - like diazepam. A mild sedative used for anxiety and panic disorders mostly.... It's not one that most would prescribe here as a regular long term medication for that kind of thing.
It can also be prescribed with chemotherapy to help with the nausea.
I've been experiencing so strange feelings after all this shock, like it's something irreversible, like me is not me. Not sure how to explain it, lost, confused and exhausted to a certain extent.
Are you eating and drinking properly? Taking your meds properly? Getting enough rest?
Is your Mum still in hospital?
What are you confused about lovely?
She is scheduled to be released tomorrow.
Confused about everything, I mean it seems I'm still not exactly mentally fit although the first shock passed.
My boss is unwilling to give me a free week, although we've discussed it before and agreed.
Strugglingmum
15-11-18, 08:49 PM
I'm so sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. I think such a shock is going to upset your mental fitness some and coping with worry and exhaustion. It will run you a bit flat never mind trying to sort out work as well. (panda)
Sweetheart what kind of support are you going to have when she comes out of hospital?
Just maybe some of her friends around can help, but I doubt she will accept it easily.
How are you going to cope with caring for her and work?
For this I've asked for holiday, actually it is my legal holiday, just now she doesn't want to keep her promise. One more employee has left the company by the way.
I would also like to point out something about my regrets.
Take the week lovely - what's the worst she can do?
What regrets do you have?
I think I'm simply not recovered yet after shock.
But there is some good news too.
I was given a week vacation by my boss. And mom is back home.
But I've got or nearly in hysterics at hospital. We were waiting for taxi, but it was already too long and bad weather outside...
A doctor suggested to call at the first floor at the Reception sector. When I approached and asked her, she replied that they are not taxi service. I replied that that's a rude reply, I was referred and I shouted that I would file a complaint with their attitude. She then replied that this information is wrong an asked about mom's condition.
I usually behave delicately, but she was first to reply in a very rude way. Then another medical assistant asked me kindly what sector we are to go.
Well, I usually keep my emotions hidden and I'm a bit ashamed of this outburst, but she provoked me.
Well, we got home anyway after a harsh day...
Don’t be ashamed, lovely, you’ve had to deal with a lot of awfulness and you or your mum don’t deserve to have someone who is supposed to help you, be rude and unhelpful
Strugglingmum
16-11-18, 09:47 PM
So glad you got your mummy home. Hopefully the 2 of you can take it easy for the next week and rest. X
How are you now lovely? Are you able to take it easy this weekend with your Mum?
She is still weak, but rather fine.
Glad she is home and is doing ok lovely...
Neurologist prescribed me today Mexazolam for 20 days.
It's very difficult with my boss, but my mum is against my decision to resign.She asked to wait a little at least until we'll pay credit (and this until May!).
This unhealthy atmosphere is hard for my mental condition first of all.
I'm really messed up about any possibilities, even Latvia.My mom thanked me again for doing so much for her but that's normal.
Why have they prescribed that for 20 days?
So your Mum wants you to stay with your boss even though it's making you ill?
She thinks the symptoms might get milder within this period.
She wants me to wait, being anxious about stability and our future.
It's worth trying love...
I'm facing a dilemma, I want to be a freelancer, I'm being fed up with my boss sh..., even with some customers, with translations at night.
Just have to convince my mother...
OldMike
23-11-18, 09:38 PM
Selena if you feel confident about freelance work then go for it you're an excellent translator but if you go it alone how will get work to translate? Will you rely on the contacts you've already established to provide you with work or will you advertise in the press etc.
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