View Full Version : Finally getting through it? *trigger*
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magie06
14-09-15, 09:41 PM
Well done for studing while being sick. Good luck with the graduation.
It was a five year struggle. At first I really did not think I would make it through but I was fortunate to have a great tutor in Sim for the first two years and then the HE tutors were great as well (and I still had Sim to help with the Ceramics work which was his speciality). But what really helped me through was my College Mentor. She never did any of the work for me but was always there to help me get a grip when things were getting too much or talk to the tutors when I could not or just read through what I had written and reassure me that it was better than I thought.
I would keep a mantra in my head on bad days... "Get up, Dress up and turn up" and even when I thought I just could not carry on that was what I did. I think my average attendance through the course was 95% (there was a few days when it really was just too much to cope with!!).
I still cannot believe I got a first. It also seems really odd not to be going back to college. One of the campuses is just down the road and it feels odd when I am walking the dog to see kids wearing college passes and not be part of that.
7 this morning Ember woke me by the process of pressing her nose against mine and staring hard at me. I got up and went to the loo, when I went back in the bedroom to get my dressing gown the little madam was curled up fast asleep in the warm space I had left with no intention of getting up.....
(rofl) clever little Ember
S deleted
15-09-15, 08:41 AM
and this is one of the reasons why Max is crate trained, lol
I'm not allowed to crate Ember, not that I would anyway.
S deleted
15-09-15, 08:59 AM
I used to have a staffie who made a great pillow when lay on the sofa, haha
That sounds like something my cats would do. They wait next to me and as soon as I move, they are in the space I was sitting in.
I think its amazing you went back to college and changed career. How did you know you wanted to do art?
Storm has to be crated bit only at night and when we have to leave the room for her safety
I think its amazing you went back to college and changed career. How did you know you wanted to do art?
I have always had an interest in art, but when I did A level art for a year I was told that I had no talent and would never be any good at it so I dropped out and studied electronics instead.
I still did art but it was something I did at home and never shared with anyone. When I went into the MH ward I took art stuff with me and there was two fabulous people in there, one an OT and the other an art therapist. They encouraged me to do as much art as possible and I had lots of people in the ward admiring what I did so I started thinking maybe I am not as bad as I thought. Whilst I was in there I picked up a brochure for the local college covering degree courses so I applied, but I missed the deadline and they would not extend it as they said I did not have the formal skills needed for the course anyway.
Then a friend took me along to a college open day and I met Sim who was the tutor for the art and design foundation course and he persuaded me to apply for that course. I figured I would give it a go, that it would give my days some structure and hopefully help my MH.
The rest as they say is history.... After completing the foundation course I was welcomed into the degree course and throughout have been reassured that my art is fine and nothing to be ashamed of.
magie06
15-09-15, 11:44 AM
And look at you now, your own business in art and the classes you are running a t eacher as well. Do you still see your old art teacher? I would love to put her nose into it. Well done you! (handshake)
I would have loved to but it was over 30 years ago and he was an old man close to retirement then so I suspect he is long gone. In a way he did me a favour as I made a good living in electronics and was able to be a good enough financial position now to be able to do this. I think if I had stayed in art at that age I would have ended up working in McDondalds like a lot of art students.
Pfft what's important is that you are doing it! You are not only creating your own items, but you are teaching! You are amazing!
Somedays can be quite frustrating though, I have spent almost all day mixing up coloured slips. Currently I am part way through making a fresh batch of base slip. Its like baking a cake only more dangerous, I have to use 50% of one thing then 20 of another and 10 of three others. They all go into a mixing bowl and then you add water and make a batter. This is then sieved. Until the water goes in you have to be really careful not to breath the powder or it will coat your lungs and suffocate you... Lovely stuff. I could buy the colours all ready made up but they are over twice the price doing that.
Once I have finished this slip I have a batch of russet glaze to mix up. Again the safety mask will have to go on. As I wear glasses my breath coming out the top of the mask fogs them up, so I have to take them off and then I struggle to see the quantities I am mixing so I put them back on then have to take them off again as they are steamed up... (think)
That does sound frustrating.... Is it not something which one of your apprentices could be doing or at least helping with?
I did get H to make 25 test tiles today which was a help. I need more staff... but I have no money to pay them... I wonder how I get work experience kids...
Maybe let a secondary school near you know that you're available?
How about college students coming to help out for the experience
Been looking into the schools work experience. The kids only come in July and there are a huge number of hoops to jump through so thats out. I may contact the college and see what they say but I have only been trading for 5 minutes so they may not be too keen.
I would contact them as you wont know unless you ask hunni x
IS it today that's graduation or next week?
Awww have a lovely time on Saturday xxxx
Thank you. Just ran my first ever art class for kids. It was intense and a chance to get to know the kids better but I think this class is going to more taxing than the adult classes. Now for the first of the two adult classes.... No idea what I am going to do but we start in 20 minutes....
You will figure out what you want to do hun am sure, have fun with the class x
I gave them a still life to draw for an hour, including making them change seats and work on each others drawings. Then for the last hour they chose a flower out of my garden and did a watercolour painting.
Tomorrow I have the first of the home educators pottery class, so we will be making pinch pots in the shapes of sea monsters so I had to knock up a few tonight after the evening class to a: show them what they can make and b: refresh myself on making them!!
RIGHT.... Takes big breath.... Kids pottery day..... 8 Home educated kids for the morning and dont know how many later this afternoon.
Hope you all have fun hun x
It was, but I am just so tired, I have not been sleeping at well well for the last few nights. Kids made sea monsters. I have posted the pictures on my FB site but if you are not a FB user they are here as well http://www.carantoc-art.co.uk/2015/09/17/started-the-home-educated-groups/
This is all so awesome, you are building up a brilliant business! Did they teach you some of this stuff at uni? I wouldn't know where to start. (I mean the business side, not the art side, obviously, I know you did art!)
I love seeing the pictures you are posing!
Yes the course I did at uni was a business course as well as art. It is quite unique in that respect as very few art degrees prepare you for the business aspects of a self employed artist like this one did. Of course it helps that I have run three companies before this, but the course was really helpful in understanding the art business.
It seems I have become famous. I just went down to our "scrapstore" to become a member and the ladies in there went "oh are you the lady who is running the pottery classes in weston advertising on FB?"
Hey brilliant on getting recognised so quickly hun x
Phew, 6 kids this evening, all making little cottages and all at different stages. I had my two most constant customers tonight as well. B and W who are both 4. W is a boy and was not keen on making a cottage and took some persuading, he was much more interested in making "poo". B is a girl and is much easier to work with but not big enough to roll her own clay. Unfortunately both parents legged it when they dropped those two off as B and W are quite happy to be left with me. I have to try and get W to make something along with the group as left to his own devices he creates HUGE creatures and uses much more clay than I can really afford. Of course W saw the sea monsters we made this morning so he nows wants to make them.
The mum and Dad of two of the kids stayed with them but I suspect that actually the parents did most of the work, unfortunately I was so tied up with B and W that I could not intervene or I would have given the parents their own clay but I think everyone enjoyed themselves anyway.
As long as everyone had fun! :)
Well my bank balance will look a bit healthier after this week. The HE Clay group paid upfront for 6 weeks so I will have to transfer the money over to the savings account once it is paid in so I can drip it back into the current account week by week and not go mad on the spending. However I am now comfortably in profit. I have a lot of people who want courses and so I now have to consider what I will add to the schedule or if I just stick with what I have for a while.
That's brilliant! Well done hunni. That's fantastic - you haven't been trading long and already you're in profit? Amazing.
I know and I also have people begging me to put on more classes. I just had a message from someone asking if I would put on another beginners art class and I added about 5 people to the waiting list for kids classes plus some mums have asked if I would do a group for them. I will have to consider these carefully though. I calculated last night that I actually have enough coming in from the classes and the rent from H to live of and so do I actually want to do more? Maybe I can rent the space out to a friend for them to run a class? Just need to find a friend I trust not to give Carantoc Art a bad name with poor teaching.
Not even two months in... and you are thinking of employing staff ;)
You're so awesome Pen (bear)
This is amazing. I think you are an inspiration.
I agree. Pen you've changed so much as a person and how you deal with the bad times. I am so proud of you.
You're incredible - I'm completely in awe of you!
(blush) No I dont think I am incredible.
Just had the blind group. Boy thats hard work, partly as they are so nice and wont speak up and ask for help when they are stuck but wait quietly till you notice that they are just sitting waiting. So you constantly have to be vigilant whilst moving from one to another. One guy must have sat for about 5 minutes whilst I tied up a wind chime rather than say he needed more clay.
Part of that is them learning to know to say something! You might have to keep reminding them!
The thing is that they have on the whole spent their lives reliant on others so they are very unassuming about asking for help. The guy who was waiting for clay is partially sighted (and the group chairman) so he especially does not want to ask when there are others who are more disabled than him who need my time. Thing is that getting him more clay takes seconds so it would not have been a problem. I have written to my old tutors to ask if there is anyone who would like to get some work experience helping me with them.
Scary... Just been going through my wardrobe trying to find something to wear tomorrow. Found an old suit of mine that I had when I was an MD. I had given away all my other suits but for some reason I had kept this one. It has not seen much wear and is a lovely dark purple colour. Two years ago it would not have fitted me but I tried it on tonight and although the jacket is a little tight across the shoulders it fits! It was an expensive suit from M&S so it is cut really well and looks very sliming so teamed with a fancy cream blouse I have H and I have decided that is what I will wear. I will probably be the only person in a trouser suit but I only really feel comfortable in trousers and only own two skirts which get worn about once a year so it would make sense to wear trousers.
How do women without daughters ever choose what to wear??? I would be lost without being able to bounce ideas of H when getting dressed up. Hubby would just grunt something about "you always look lovely"
Suddenly the graduation is starting to get real!!
That sounds brilliant about emailing your tutors!
I'm so excited for you about the graduation - Can we see pics?
I think its so lovely that you and H had that moment Pen. I bet you'll look brilliant and good luck for tomorrow, you earned it.
I'm so excited for you about the graduation - Can we see pics?
Just try and stop me! My best friend is coming and H. Dad wanted to come but I felt it would be too much for him and I did not want to spend the afternoon worrying about him so I have promised him lots of pictures as well!
So exciting! Im really looking forward to seeing pics :) (and it's not all girls - eldest is great with clothes, youngest doesn't care lol)
A very unhappy hubby turned up tonight. Life is hopeless, no one loves him, life is not worth living anymore... Depression is eating him alive tonight. However apart from the paperwork the house is finally on the market.
I have to admit his brother S does have a nerve, he turned up at the house on Monday and asked hubby to go over to his holiday caravan he keeps nearby and cut the hedge. Not only that but he didn't offer to pay him anything for doing it. Hubby did but he could not bring himself to say that he was putting the house on the market the next day.
That is some nerve.
Sorry to hear that about your husband, depression is a horrible thing. As we all know.
(just had a look at your website, its amazing)
(panda) hunni, personally if it was me I would of told him to go pay a gardener brother or not. I hope your husband starts to feel brighter soon x
I hope that you enjoy your graduation sweetie x
I was just surprised that the other boys did not hang him by his ankles in the orchard but apparently he brought a bodyguard (rofl)
Getting really nervous now. I have also discovered J is bringing his german GF home this afternoon for a few hours before we go out for dinner. The house is a tip so will need to get cleaning, especially as she is very allergic to pet hair!
I have discovered that the graduation ceremony will be played live on FB. If you would like to have a look mine will start at 3 this afternoon.https://www.facebook.com/westoncollege?fref=ts
Or here for non FB users (rofl)
http://www.weston.ac.uk/graduation-live-2015
I should be visible as I will be the only woman in a purple trouser suit...
Remember that it will go so fast so stop and try to take it all in...
Looked like a lot of fun was had today hun x
How'd it go? I'm sorry I didn't see it live. I looked up from my study and realised it was 4pm :(
Did you watch it Suzi, I'm surprised and flattered :-)
Here are some of the better pictures of me with H and my my best friend M.
http://s1009.photobucket.com/user/penny_price1/slideshow/Graduation%202015
It feels really weird tonight. It has finally sunk in that its really over and I no longer have a connection to the college. I saw my tutor today and asked him if he had got my email but he has not seen it yet. He has given me a lead of another centre in town that helps people with sight issues find activities so I may be able to pick up more business there as his wife works there!
Love the photos on your photobucket hun and you look so happy x
You look amazing and so happy! H is gorgeous btw
Of course I watched it! I told my children about you and the graduation and they came in and watched bits too. I was so thrilled when I saw you! Awesome speaker too! H is stunning!
Thank you everyone.
Came home this morning to find an ominous brown envelope on the doormat....
However it turned out to be a letter telling me that the DWP owed me £10 in an unpaid Christmas bonus from 2009....(party) Feels like I just pulled a Chance Card from a Monopoly game... Now what can I blow my extra £10 on??
Woohoo! That almost never happens :)
I know :P
Went and had a coffee with one of the mums this morning, she has offered to come and help me with the HE pottery group on Thursday morning which would be helpful as the youngest is 4 and the eldest 12 so I am hoping that she can look after the little ones whilst I am doing some more academic stuff with the older children. It will also mean I can deal more effectively with a bigger group so get a bit more cash. (rofl)
Went down to the scrapstore which was fun. I got a 12.5Kg bag of clay for £5.30 which works out at 40p a kilo which is an amazing price, more than half what I had been paying. I also got a basket filled with huge sheets of paper, cardboard, containers for putting water and slip into, two plaster moulds, some cardboard cones to make father christmas' with, elastic bands, picture mounts and some other bits and pieces all for £3.
They are awful in there... they kept finding things I might like.... including coming out with a bag filled with rollers with patterns on them for rolling into clay... it was with great difficulty that I stuck to just two and handed the bag back (as they were not counted as part of the £3 and were £1.20 each). I also nearly came home with a fantastic dragon puppet, I told them that if they had had one in purple I would have been forced to buy it so they have taken that as a challenge to see if they can get a purple one in!!! I have checked online though and I think I am safe they only seem to do it red and green. http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Shiny-Red-or-Green-Dragon-Hand-Puppet-By-The-Puppet-Company-/261548047035?var=&hash=item3ce57a7abb
As its turned a bit chillier tonight I have blacked my fireplace and fender, cleaned it all up and have a real fire going. For a little while I had all the lights out and was just sitting listening to a radio play by the light of the fire. The kids thought this was a bit odd when they came through for a ciggy and have left me one light on. Not the same though...
The really great thing about visiting the scrapstore is that it is my job!!
Sounds like you had a good time shopping hun, and you can't beat a proper fire
That scrapstore sounds awesome!
magie06
22-09-15, 10:41 AM
That scrapstore sounds brilliant. The craft shop nearest to me, holds onto bits and pieces like that for me.
You are beginning to sound like a proper grown up business woman now. It wont be long until you will be franchising out to other areas in the UK. (handshake)
I know. I am starting to think I need an administrator to help keep track of bookings!! However at the moment as well as everything else that needs doing I am still the person who paints the floor.... I am trying to do an hour on Mondays and Tuesdays and hope eventually I will get the whole floor done, only thing is by doing it in stages I bought a second tin of paint and discovered that despite assurances to the contrary by shop staff it is in fact a slightly different colour to the first, of course I did not discover this till I was well into painting when I realised that it was not drying as light as the other...
Have spent all evening trying to get more people for my course tomorrow morning after the numbers dropped to 2. Not sure who is coming now! Had to move the start time to 10 which will mean I will have one hour to clear up the kids class before setting up the adults whilst grabbing some lunch! Its going to be tight !
Are H and your other person not helping with anything?
There is no other person (rofl) just me and H. H has a trapped nerve in her hip so can barely stand so she has not been much help, hopefully today she may be a bit better. I do have someone coming to help with the HE class tomorrow and someone who will help with the blind group on Friday but apart from that its just me and H.
Had a really bad night last night, just could not get off into a proper sleep. At 1 this morning I was unloading and reloading the dishwasher and writing a lesson plan for this morning. I finally got off about 1:30 and woke at 7 so feeling very tired at the moment.
Do you think perhaps you were stressed out about today? I hope it all goes well. I think you are doing brilliantly!
Your doing so well hun, try and figure some rest time into your days though
Run two groups so far today. May have a little lie down before the next one at 7. I woke this morning and thought, "you know I have quite a gap between the afternoon and evening groups maybe I could fit in a kids art club for an hour there and have four classes on a Wednesday" ....... Call the men in the white coats!!!!!!
Take that time to rest up or sit and do paperwork dont over do things in one day hunni x
Lol, I think you do need to give yourself time to rest/do admin ;)
LOL you make me smile. Always trying to maximise the business opportunity. But you did say you had some admin to do, and you had a bad night's sleep, so maybe you can use the downtime to catch up on paperwork/sleep.
The problem with running your own business is it can be difficult to know when to stop. But you only started this business in August, and its your baby, so I can see why its hard for you to relax.
You're honestly doing amazingly though, maybe just take some time to say 'Well done Pen'.
S deleted
23-09-15, 06:56 PM
I had noticed you were online at silly o clock the past couple of nights. Was tempted to send you a message to tell you to go to sleep, lol
I had noticed you were online at silly o clock the past couple of nights. Was tempted to send you a message to tell you to go to sleep, lol
I would if I could! Tried all sorts of things in the last few weeks to try and get myself off to sleep. Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate with nutmeg. tea. milk. squash. spraying my pillow with lavender spray. Reading a book. listening to a play. Watching a film. Not using the computer before bed. Cuddling up with Ember, not cuddling up to Ember. Changing the bed. Trying different PJ's. Trying breathing and meditation techniques. Not taking my antihistamine medication (really regretted that one the next day!!), eating earlier in the evening. Going to bed and getting up at the same times
I go to bed tired but once I am under the covers I just toss and turn and cant get off for hours.
BTW Stella if I was up at stupid o'clock you must have been as well to have noticed!!
Really unhappy this morning. I have a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off potential customer as I missed replying to their message. Streetlife have cut me off as they want me to pay between £25 and £50 every time I want to advertise a class and Hannah is going to Dismaland for the day and I have two clay classes and and art class and no one to help clear up between them. (oh and its raining so I will get a wet walk with the dog) :s
I had never heard of Streetlife before! It looks as if they don't carry any banner advertising, so I suppose they have to make their money somewhere.
Have you tried Facebook advertising? You know, the in-feed ads you get, or the right-hand-side ads?
Yes its annoying as I find the older generation tend to use Streetlife not Facebook so for the adult art classes I get more bookings from Streetlife than Facebook. I have spent money advertising with them but it is very expensive if you want to reach outside your immediate area (£25 an ad in your local area £50+ outside) and I have not had responses to the paid ads I have put in.
Facebook advertising is not free either and although I have used them several times again I have got no response. People generally zone out these types of paid ads as they seem suspicious of them and more friendly message in Streetlife on their message boards or a note in the buy sell site on Facebook gets a much greater response.
Grrr. Decided I dont like people. Going to become a hermit in the Orkneys. ;(
That's interesting about Facebook, the bit where you said posting in the local groups gets better response than the paid advertising.
(panda) for the tears, try to do the minimum you can get away with today, you sound tired.
Loads of people I know struggle with the paid adverts. I know that the DWD FB page gets more traffic by sharing posts etc and the costs for advertising are ridiculous!
I think you sound exhausted too hunni xxx
Hunni try and get an early night, even just resting in bed with a book
Yes I am tired.
Still only one course tomorrow.
AW sweetheart (panda)(panda)
Still very tired. Although this morning did discover why I was a tired and bit down and in need of eating a bar of chocolate at 2 this morning. Ladies I am sure you will understand.
Only had the blind group today and we had the best session yet. My friend from college A-M came to help and it made such a difference. She was able to sit with one of the totally blind people whilst I kept an eye on the another. She spent quite a bit of time sitting with a guy who is very quiet and withdrawn and I have never seen him so animated. A-M though is one of life's wonders. Someone who is always kind, always happy, always thinking of others despite life throwing some nasty curve balls at her like cancer and discovering her son had a baby that she knew nothing about till the mum and baby turned up on the doorstep from Japan. I think it sums her up that when that happened she just threw open the door and welcomed them in, to the house and her heart. She has said she will come every week and help but she wont accept payment, not even the cost of her petrol.
I have spent the evening helping another college friend out. What started out with her asking if she would need to pay business rates turned into an online seminar on running a business. Ending up with me offering to help her with her advertising plan.
Sounds like a good day hun despite mother nature throwing a curve ball in there at this moment
Your friend sounds like an amazing person - maybe you or you and the blind group could make her something to say thanks? She sounds like she'd appreciate that far more than money...
A wonderful friend, helping you out, and then you passed on the random act of kindness to your college friend. That's what life should be about :)
Had a little wobble last night after reading Rose's post so I hope she is alright. H has decided that she wants to get more exercise as well as her new diet so we took Ember for a two hour walk up Sand Point this morning. It was glorious, for most of the time we did not see anyone else (we did there at 9:15) the weather was not too hot or cold and just a gentle breeze blowing.
Here are some pics of where we went (try not to get too jealous!)
http://s1009.photobucket.com/user/penny_price1/slideshow/Sand%20Point%20Sept%202015
Now having had a rest for an hour I am trying to decide between drawing, housework, making pottery or gardening
Had an hour chatting to hubby this evening, holding his hand, reassuring him, persuading him that life is not so bad and that things will work out, wiping the tears...
Now I feel I may need to call the Samaritans myself. :s
Awww hunni, but make that call if you need to, I take it your hubby is upset about the house etc?
Oh yes. He feels that the whole of his family is against him, even his local cousins. He feels that they are making him out to be a criminal and he is concerned that he may end up either in prison or a ditch.
Oh sweetheart that can't be easy.. (panda) One of my favourite things I've ever done was to climb Brean Down!
Had a little wobble last night after reading Rose's post so I hope she is alright.
I remember so clearly when you were so ill, and I woke up one morning worrying sick that something had happened to you. The first thing I did that morning is come on here and check to see that you'd posted.
Maybe I should have told you that at the time, but what would you have said? Probably something like 'Don't worry about me!'
You got through it Pen, look at you now! You inspire me because you were ill a long time and went through a lot and came out the other side, not just surviving, but flourishing. So that gives me hope, a lot of hope. (bear)
I care a lot about you Rose, so I worry about you as well (smirk)
Suzi I have not been up Brean Down for many years so that may be coming. This morning H wants to goto Crooks Peak, scroll to the bottom of the link here to see what we are facing :-) http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/mendip-hills/
The first part is V. Steep so will really burn off some calories. However not sure we will make it to the top, I know a route that goes over an adjoining hill and is a gentle downward walk through the woods.
magie06
28-09-15, 08:56 AM
Looks lovely, enjoy all the fresh air. You are so lucky to live in a place like this.
Sounds like a lovely walk hun x
Looks lovely, enjoy all the fresh air. You are so lucky to live in a place like this.
(rofl) H was only saying yesterday how much she would like to go to Ireland and explore the waterfalls and hills.
I want to go back to Ireland it is an absolutely beautiful country and I have a lot of family over there, my grandad was born in Galway but lived in Offaly on Shannon Harbour,
Crook Peak looks awesome!
This looks amazing. Is Monday your official day off from work now?
Sort of. I am trying to have Sunday and Monday as my "weekend" but I do find it difficult to stay out of the studio and away from answering emails and FB posts.
We did not make it to the top of Crooks Peak but got up the hill next to it. It got me thinking about another piece to write for Moodscope. The only way I could get her to the top was to get her to aim for little targets. So "right lets get to the next bush then rest" eventually we got to the top and the view was magnificent. I think that sometimes you need to tackle depression like that. Not looking at the top of the hill, its too much to tackle, but taking little targets along the way till you get there. and not forgetting to stop and look back at what you have achieved so far and giving your self a pat on the back for getting that far. When we were half way up it was great to look back down and see what we had managed to that point and how great the view was, knowing that with each step the view and the sense of achievement will get better.
I would love to post the pictures but Photobucket is playing silly buggers and wont load.
I agree, it's the only way I get through. I'm really, really tired at the moment but still need to get things done so it's very much 'I'll do this then I can have a coffee etc'
Just watched The Imitation Game. Wow, great film. Its not often that I watch films anyway and even less when I just cant stop thinking about it. What a tragedy to end that way!
It's an amazing story brilliantly acted (though I'm biased as I think Benedict Cumberbatch is the best actor we currently have in the world). It's such a shame he didn't know he'd once receive the thanks he deserved, and all of those at Bletchley Park
Finally managed to get my pictures uploaded! Try not to get too jealous :-) One of the pictures is a bit blurry as I had the camera in my back pocket and it seems my bum must have got a bit hot!!!
http://s1009.photobucket.com/user/penny_price1/slideshow/Mendip%20stroll%20Sept%202015
Gorgeous, really beautiful - mind you my youngest, when first introduced to the area my parents had moved to said 'but it's just grass and trees' lol
This morning my head is full of dark thoughts. I had a dream last night about trying to run away again and this morning I am just thinking that being dead would be soooo good.
Are you giving yourself enough time to do your own pottery? Just for you? I would think that would be a way of focussing on what's good in your life itms?
I have some new toys coming later today from the pottery supplier to play with.
It also looks like I will be starting a new group if things goto plan with stroke survivors. Meeting the organiser on Friday to thrash out details.
Now I had better go and build a stable for someone....
I'm sorry about that dream. Are you OK?
The stroke survivors group sounds brilliant! Stable? To go with the Nativity pieces?
I'm sorry about that dream. Are you OK?
I dont know really. I would just like someone to take care of me I guess, rather than have to be always the person who is taking care of everyone else.
Stable? To go with the Nativity pieces?
Yes I have two I made yesterday but they are just Mary, Joseph and Jesus at the moment, I need to make two stables for them. (a certain admin on this site has requested a commission (rofl)
Hubbies house is up on Rightmove now, so if you want to see what all the fuss has been about its here:-
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-36619329.html
Oh Pen, its beautiful. I can see why he didnt want to leave.
I can see why he doesnt want to leave x
S deleted
29-09-15, 01:41 PM
With views like that I wouldn't wanna sell up either. Heartbreaking.
His family have lived on that land for nearly 200 years.
Wow! It's beautiful! I can understand why they don't want to leave!
I feel really bad for them having to leave all that.
Are you ok Pen? You've had a rough couple of days (bear)
Oh Pen it's beautiful ...... I know hubby is fragile right now but please make sure you look after you too.
Oh, and I think that certain admin has impeccable taste (giggle)
Are you ok Pen? You've had a rough couple of days
Not as rough as you...
Not as rough as you...
I think I am coming out the other side of it though. I think crisis is a bit like a storm, in the end it tires itself out.
Are you taking care of you?
Oh sweetheart (bear)(bear) Are you able to get help if you need it? Samaritans? A+E?
Dont know really.
Hunni, please get help if you need it, and give yourself some time to relax and for you x
I'm sure I will be fine. I will have to be, there is nothing anyone else can do.
How are you today gorgeous lady?
Hey Pen how are you today ?
I don't know really. I struggled to sleep again last night and took a lorazapam to get me off. I am wondering how many repeat prescriptions I can get before I have enough for a OD. I no longer have a GP assigned to me so I suspect I could get quite a few.
Pen, hunni, please talk to your GP, Samaritans and get some support. Can you get H to look after your meds and just give you a day/week's worth at a time? You're a wonderful person, with an amazing talent, and a family that loves you so much.
Pen love, this seems like a massive slide really fast. Please get some help. Call the crisis line if you need to. You can get through this. You've just been doing too much and need to slow down and take better care of you. Sweetheart please call your GP..
magie06
30-09-15, 03:27 PM
Have you been talking to anyone? It would be a good idea to do it and take a weight off your mind. Please make that call.
There is no point in calling anyone, there is nothing wrong with me, so no one can do anything.
Hunni please make sure your safe, wondering how many pills you can get is a worrying sign sweetie x
Pen, you've been working hard and been doing brilliantly. Your husband finally put the house on the market. Things are looking good for you.
Then suddenly, your husband is sad, my post triggered some bad feelings, and here we are.
Think back to a recent time when you felt good. Those beautiful nativity sculptures you made for example. Helping children and blind people create art. YOU did that, you made other people smile. Another example was walking with your daughter, it wasn't just about the beautiful scenery and the exercise, you spent time with your daughter who you love and who loves you.
All those good things are within your reach, they are in your recent memory.
This is just a blip that WILL pass. Your thoughts are just thoughts and you don't have to act on them. Get back to your GP asap if they continue. Don't let Depression win.
(bear)
Pen lovely, you shouldn't feel this way and feel that you shouldn't be calling people for help. Hunni if you are having those negative and harmful thoughts then you are well within your rights to call for help.
Well its true. There is nothing wrong, I just have had enough. I dont want help.
Had two classes today. Had a few more kids for the art class this morning. One a little monster... Had 5 adults this afternoon took them out to the park to do some drawing. Tonight I am teaching the other adults art class. Some of them want to do a bit of sculpting so get a bit of clay for them this evening.
You seem so tired, lovely, can you please make sure you take some time to yourself? - you've got a lot on your plate and you're overdoing it I think
Are you actually getting any time off so to speak?
Is there any way that you can schedule some "you" time?
No too much to do. Three classes again tomorrow.
Are you having help with them - H and your friend?
My friend came this morning and was a big help with the HE group who are starting to warm to me a bit. The evening kids group was a laugh we made gnomes. Just waiting for the adults to turn up now.
Sounds like a fun time was had hun x
Still thinking that an OD would be a good idea
Definitely NOT a good idea. You'd probably wake up in hospital with a severely damaged liver.
Do you feel sad, anxious, worthless, hopeless? What is it that's making you feel like you don't want to carry on?
The gnomes look amazing!
Are you sure that you're not pushing yourself too hard? 3 classes today sounds like a huge amount - especially as I would imagine you don't get much of a complete break between them as you're probably cleaning up and setting up for the next class in between times?
Thursday is not quite so bad as I have my friend to help in the morning and then I have a gap from 12 till 4:30.
I am about to take on another 3 courses. I have an adults ceramics starting on a Tuesday afternoon on the 20th October, another Saturday session starting this week and I am meeting the stroke association tomorrow. Then this evening one of the delegates on my course (who is the home ed coordinator for North Somerset) asked if I would be able to run a pottery group of teenage Home ed kids.
Definitely NOT a good idea. You'd probably wake up in hospital with a severely damaged liver.
Do you feel sad, anxious, worthless, hopeless? What is it that's making you feel like you don't want to carry on?
I just feel dead inside. I feel that my life is a sham and that I cannot keep up the pretence any longer.
Hunni please go back to your gp and explain what you have here to him/her xx
It's fantastic how many classes people want you to run, but you have to find some way of doing them and getting a break too. You must be exhausted al the time which won't be helping your mood.. What about discussing it all with your GP?
What GP? I dont have one I can talk to anymore, even if I felt there was any point.
You are moving into a new phase. Until recently, you were Pen, student, mother, wife... now you are Pen, business owner, teacher, mother, wife...
Maybe your feelings about yourself just haven't caught up with the reality. So you look at what's going on around you, and you don't know how to feel, its all alien to you, and you feel like you are a fraud somehow, that its a sham.
Who looks after your medication now? If you needed a review, who would do it?
I think you might need to pick another Dr to see and go through things with them.
Please find a go hunni, and get support. You're too special to gave this happening to you
Who looks after your medication now? If you needed a review, who would do it?
My medication is on a weekly repeat prescription. The last time I saw a doctor he took me off the pregabalin but would not alter the venlefaxine although I asked him to take me off that as well. Whoever is on prescription duty signs the prescription. There is no one specific who would do a review.
I cant face going to the surgery. The only way to get an appointment there now is to goto their "drop in clinic". Its not really a drop in you still have to fight through the hundreds of people wanting an appointment on the phone first thing in the morning and if you get through you are given a time slot. If you dont manage to get through in time you dont get an appointment and have to try again the next day. When you get a slot you go along at the given time and whichever doctor is free is who you see. The idea terrifies me of seeing a doctor at all especially one who is not sympathetic to MH issues. I found it really difficult to even talk to Dr T who was very good but I just cant face seeing anyone else. I have no faith in any doctor to be able to do anything.
Perhaps you could ring up and ask to be put back on the pregabalin - if that's the recent change, maybe that's the course of this drop?
I was told by a pdoc that patients on Venlafaxine must have a yearly ECG and blood pressure check.
Also, you have to have a named and accountable GP as part of some government thingy now.
So if you continue to feel low, you know you need to get help, make an appointment for a couple of weeks time (I can totally understand why you can't face the 8am scramble for appointments) and have a chat about things.
Perhaps you could ring up and ask to be put back on the pregabalin - if that's the recent change, maybe that's the course of this drop?
The change was in February, which was the last time I saw a doctor about my MH.
I was told by a pdoc that patients on Venlafaxine must have a yearly ECG and blood pressure check.
Also, you have to have a named and accountable GP as part of some government thingy now.
So if you continue to feel low, you know you need to get help, make an appointment for a couple of weeks time (I can totally understand why you can't face the 8am scramble for appointments) and have a chat about things.
I have not had a ecg check for over two years now. The pdoc's know that it should be done for patients on Venlefaxine but the GP's dont.
On the records I have a named GP. He is the head of the practice so that is what on everyones records. He and his wife taught an understanding christianity course I did for a couple of years. He's a nice guy socially but I dont like him as a doctor. Anyway I think all doctors are frauds and I dont want anything to do with any of them anymore. Anyway as I said it is almost impossible to get an advance appointment as all the doctors are tied up with this "drop in" thing.
Why do you think that all doctors are frauds?
This is likely to become a rant about doctors so I shall refrain from answering that.
Hunni, please speak to someone, Samaritans?
Fair enough. When's your next day off? Will you call Samaritans/CALM/Crisis Line/Etc or go to A+E if you need it? When is your husband down next? Does H know how you are feeling?
Sorry, loads of questions... (bear)
When's your next day off?
Sunday
Will you call Samaritans/CALM/Crisis Line/Etc or go to A+E if you need it? No point
When is your husband down next? Arrived half an hour ago and has made me some tea and a toasted muffin. He will be out all weekend though.
Does H know how you are feeling? Yes. She knows that I am not right. I think finding me lying on the bed staring into space was a pretty good indicator to both her and hubby.
How are you doing today lovely?
Morning sweetie, how are things?
Did two hours of kids clubs this morning which was a profitable morning. However I just feel so ill. Physically as well as mentally. I feel like I have a knot in my whole body and feel sick. There's a railway line just up my road, I would jump in front of a train but I dont want to traumatise a train driver.
Pen, please talk to H and hubby, please call Samaritans, the emergency dr or go to a&e (panda)
Please get some help lovely x
magie06
03-10-15, 05:22 PM
Please go for help please.
Pen you've done so much recently. You haven't really stopped since I've known you - but recently you've had the move, starting your business, finishing your degree, exhibitions, your son moving out, renovations to make your studio, your husbands issues etc.... You need to find some time just for you.
Couldn't agree more with everyone sweetie please seek some help x
A knot in your stomach... that sounds like anxiety.... you're no longer on Pregabalin (why were you taken off?)
I know you're sick of doctors, sick of talking about it, God knows I am too, but there is no other way to get help.
Its Saturday night, you've got two whole days now to just chill out. So get into your PJs and get yourself onto the sofa, watch a film, have a nice dinner.
By the way, when was the last time your husband took you out for dinner?
Please go for help please.
I have asked for help so many times and not got any so there is no point.
A knot in your stomach... that sounds like anxiety.... you're no longer on Pregabalin (why were you taken off?)
I know you're sick of doctors, sick of talking about it, God knows I am too, but there is no other way to get help.
Its Saturday night, you've got two whole days now to just chill out. So get into your PJs and get yourself onto the sofa, watch a film, have a nice dinner.
By the way, when was the last time your husband took you out for dinner?
Doc took me off pregabalin as she said it should only be used for a short time and I had been on it too long.
Hubby is not the sort of guy to do meals out. A MacDonalds is a meal out.
Interesting about the Pregabalin, I am going to ask my pdoc about that.
A MacDonalds is NOT a meal out!!!!!
I've been on it for a couple of years and they've not said that to me?
Pen, you sound so sad. Is your hubby with you all weekend? Have you told him and H how you are feeling?
magie06
03-10-15, 09:32 PM
I really think you need to talk to someone. It's Saturday night, and you sound so sad and fed up. I wish I could be there, just to be there for you. If I were there we could stay up and chat about everything. (bear)(bear).
I've been on it for a couple of years and they've not said that to me?
Ah but you are not on it for anxiety. I think as an anxiety med its only supposed to be for short term use.
I
Pen, you sound so sad. Is your hubby with you all weekend? Have you told him and H how you are feeling?
Hubby is here. He bought a chinese for dinner but the oil it was cooked in was tainted so I could only eat about half of it. Although I think I would have struggled to eat more than that anyway. After pacing the house for 20 minutes afterwards and then washing the kitchen floor, I locked myself in the bathroom. When I came out hubby had gone to bed. I curled up on the sofa in my blanket but after 10 minutes he came looking for me and has made me come up here to be beside him. However I cannot sleep, and I am waiting till he goes to sleep to slip out again.
Hubby would hate a romantic dinner and I would hate to see him unhappy but trying to please me so we dont eat out except at very special family occasions.
Still wide awake past 3 in the morning. I have tried lots of things but nothing seems to work. The dog is both helping and not helping as it is comforting to be able to cuddle her but at the same time she is pushing up hard against me. I have come downstairs now to have a cup of tea, a biscuit and try taking a lorazapam. I only had two left so I was holding out as long as I could. I have asked the surgery for some more but they said on Friday that they were waiting for a doctor to consider if I could have more as I have not asked for any since June when they gave me 14. You would have thought that as I was using so few that giving me more would not be an issue but hey ho.
I have not had lots of negative thoughts and worries that are keeping me awake, I just cant stop thinking about what I need to get done this week and what I can do with the kids and the adults in the pottery classes this week. This is why there is no point in calling the Samaritans. The conversation would go something like "do you think I should make bird feeders by using slab or coil techniques or by building over a ballon, oh and by the way I want to kill myself..."
Did you get any sleep at all?
When you have all that stuff in your head, can you try writing it down in a notepad? Just to get it all out of your head, so you don't have to remember it, and then maybe you can get some rest?
Did you get any sleep at all?
I finally got off at about 4 this morning. I woke at 9. Hubby and I were going to goto the car boot together but he knew I had had a really bad night so he left me to sleep as he thought might do me more good than being taken round a field.
After I walked the dog this morning I went up to Homebase to get some compost. It was a bit of a disaster. I did not take any cash forgetting that you need a quid for the trolleys. There was no way I felt strong enough to carry a bag of compost from the back of the store to the tills and then to the car so had to come away empty handed. Trouble was that I was so tired that I could not face the drive back home. Hubby and H started to get worried when I did not come back and rang several times but I just felt too low to answer the phone. Finally I did and I managed to make it back.
Hubby is currently cleaning the grass out of the patio, he says "I always knew you would bring me to me knees!" he has then said he will finally put up the wall mounted washing line which I bought about two months ago and then he conveniently forgot about. I know why he is suddenly doing all these chores its because he is worried about leaving me.
When you have all that stuff in your head, can you try writing it down in a notepad? Just to get it all out of your head, so you don't have to remember it, and then maybe you can get some rest?
Tried that, it does not work for me it just starts other thoughts off.
Sweetie. I'm glad you got some sleep, and hubby let you sleep. Homebase wasn't a disaster, lovely, it was a nuisance. Compost is not the end of the world. Well done for answering the phone and getting home, it's going to be ok - I really think you need some rest though (bear) (and my nativity set can wait til next Christmas if necessary) x
The next two nativity sets just need sanding smooth and then they are ready for the first firing. I Hope to get them in on Tuesday so you may not have to wait till next Christmas. Been doing just little bits this afternoon. Weeded some grass with hubby for about 20 minutes then I just got too tired to carry on so had a little nap on the sofa. Just had some lunch with him. He is insisting I eat even though I dont really want to and has told me off for not having any food in the house for me to eat during the day in the week.
I'm so glad he's looking after you. You're so precious, lovely, you deserve to be cared for
Just feel sick now after eating the sandwich and crisps he made me. My legs feel like lead I dont think Ember is going to get an evening walk. Just unloaded (after I asked H to do it) and reloaded the dishwasher but Hubby stepped in when I started to wash up the pans that cant go into the dishwasher and is currently finishing clearing up the kitchen. Meanwhile I just want to go to bed but I still have to finish checking the kiln and the drying racks.
Sweetie, this has been such a quick spiral - is it worth getting checked out for any physical reasons behind this?
I dont know, I just dont think I can face the battle to get to see anyone only to be told there is nothing wrong with me and to pull myself together.
Hubby has gone now. Kiln is fine, and just turned off the fan on the cooling rack so the studio is locked up for the night. H has taken Ember.
My whole being feels like a knot again, my head just feels empty, I cannot get enthusiastic about anything at the moment least of all the course admin that I need to do.
Just been researching the best way to kill myself. Interestingly it lead me to looking at a site about killing fruit flies....
Did you speak to your husband before he left about how you feel?
Oh he knows that I am bad. Now have swung from just waiting to curl up on the sofa to pacing the house. Just tried to get out to the car to get my razor blades but H caught me and has now taken the car keys away. So I will be going out to the studio in a min for a craft knife.
No, stop. Take a deep breath. Have you got anything like Valium for emergencies like this?
No I have one lorazapam left and no idea when I will get anymore.
Can you take the Lorazepam?
If you're talking about harming yourself, you need to use every tool you have to keep calm.
Rose is right. Take the lorazapam, that's what's it's for, speak to the dr tomorrow and ask for more. Please don't assume they won't give you more - it's their job to make that decision, not yours.
Is H staying around tonight?
magie06
04-10-15, 07:17 PM
Oh Pen, please don't do anything. Please, call hubby and tell him how you are feeling. Get yourself to a + e and to safety. You need someone to take over and be your help for now. I don't think you should be left alone for now either. Please please ring H.
H is in her sitting room with her BF watching Dr Who.
So far this evening I have sanded a nativity scene, washed up some paintbrushes, put a load of washing on and put away my clean clothes. (and had a short spell in the bathroom with a knife)
Pen, those kind of throwaway comments are really distressing lovely... I hope that you've called a helpline or hospital...
I'm sorry suzi I will go away until I can behave myself.
Pen, don't go anywhere (panda)
I'm sorry suzi I will go away until I can behave myself.
Oh Pen, that's the last thing I want. I just want to make things better for you. Sweetheart please please please call someone...
(bear) hunni please, please get help.
S deleted
04-10-15, 09:26 PM
Pen, there are hundreds of ways to kill yourself, how would you like to go out? Do you have a high pain threshold? Are you worried about leaving a lot of mess for someone to clean up? Hey, inbox me I've got tons of different ways you can do it.
But before you do think of this...somebody somewhere is going to find your body. This could be a general member of the public, a close friend or a family member. Now put yourself in their shoes. Imagine the image of that dead body etched into your mind, once you've seen it you can't unsee it. That image of a loved one lying lifeless with you every night before you go to sleep. Think of your family, wondering what they could've done differently to stop this from happening and having to live the rest of their lives with that nagging feeling they could/should have done more. You know what it's like having to live with negative thought every day, do you really wanna put your family through that?
Do you want to end your life or do you want to end the negative thoughts? Please Pen do the sensible thing and get help right away.
Thinking of you Pen (bear)
Been walking for the last three hours, just trying to deal with my head. Walked down to the railway station but decided that I could not do that to a train driver. So just walked and walked, I hoped that would help, that it would tire me out so I can sleep but all I have is a throbbing corn and I am still wide awake. I just cant get help, I dont know who I could ask. I tried to talk to the Samaritans but although that helped to calm me down a bit at the time it did not do anything to help with how I feel.
I just want to disappear, Stella I dont have the courage to kill myself and I certainly dont want to traumatise anyone else. I just want someone to wave a magic wand and for me to no longer exist.
S deleted
05-10-15, 12:17 AM
Sorry Pen but that isn't gonna happen. We can either give up, which isn't really an option, cos we can't just stop breathing, or we can fight it. I know it's hard when you feel drained of energy and the thoughts in your head are telling you not to bother trying, but we have to fight on. Try and get an emergency appointment with your GP in the morning and explain how things are right now. It hurts to see you like this when you have been doing so well. We're all right behind you buddy and wanna see you back on top again.
H wants me to call the docs in the morning as well. Dont know if I will manage to get an appointment. Its a Monday which will be busy anyway and the surgery only has 4 doctors on duty.
Pen please try and telll them that you need an emergency appointment if necessary x
S deleted
05-10-15, 01:28 AM
Get on the phone as soon as the lines open and stress that its an emergency.
Not sure I will be awake when the lines open at 8am! Just discovered that they have stopped doing the sit and wait clinic system though and you book in with a doctor of your choice again. Not that I know who would be any use as I have never met any of the doctors who are on duty tomorrow.
S deleted
05-10-15, 02:06 AM
Set an alarm for 8am and make that call. If you need to get some sleep again after you can do but please get yourself some proper help.
You can try and make all the excuses in the world but I can nag with the best of them too.
I dont know what I will say to them.
Pen, have you made an appointment?
What you will tell them? What you've told us hunni...
Yes. Took 10 minutes to get through but I did manage it. Appointment is at 11:20. Had to take who was free so receptionist did not know if she is any good with MH issues.
Well done, lovely (panda)
magie06
05-10-15, 09:29 AM
Good luck at the gp today. Bring a copy of your last few posts here, so they can see what you are going through at the moment. We are all thinking of you and only want the best for you, so please keep this appointment.
Well done hunni, print your posts out from here and just show them to her if nessessary,
Could not print out the posts so got H to read them and come in with me. The doc was very kind and understanding. She is going to fax a letter to the pdoc saying that it would be an idea for a specialist to see me sooner rather than later. She has given me a load more lorazapam to try and help with the anxiety and to help me sleep. H has taken the tablets and is looking for the car keys and is cooking me some lunch.
That's so positive. Well done to you for letting H read what are really personal posts here. I'm so glad that she was good. Would you see her again?
I probably would. She gave me a hug as I left. Dont know if i will get to see anyone from the psych team though.
Well done, lovely. And you will get to see the pdoc - you didn't think you'd have any more lorazapam but you did. They're only interested in getting you better, whatever it takes (bear)
S deleted
05-10-15, 02:16 PM
hey you've made the first step, well done. I'm really proud of you for making that appointment and keeping it. It's never easy asking for help but you've got the ball rolling now. Give yourself a pat on the back
I think that I will need to cancel courses but I cant get my head to work enough to be able to figure out who I need to contact and how.
Well done hun on going and also getting H to help, take a step back for a little bit then figure out what you need to do xx
Step at a time hun, make a list cross them off when you can do them.
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